Can't Cope With Guilt

[sjp]

Yesterday we had to say goodbye to our wee boy, Mr Karl. I am beyond heartbroken and the guilt i feel for having him put to sleep is indescribable, it's eating me up!

We adopted Mr Karl from the cats protection six years ago when he was 13. Over the years he's had several health issues from time to time and many people had said maybe it's time to let gim go, which would make me really angry; there was no way we were giving up on him so easily. Every time there has been something wrong with him he pulled through amazingly and went back to being his wee happy self. He truly was a trooper!

Five weeks ago he was diagnosed with heart failure and had fluid on his lungs. The vet put him on diuretics to get rid of the fluid and, long story short, he was doing well. He had a check up about a week and a half ago and the vet picked up he had also developed an arrythmia. She said we needed to monitor his quality of life. Tuesday night just past, my partner woke me up at half past midnight saying Mr Karl wasn't well; he had been sick several times and he seemed really distressed and was frantically walking about the house yowling! He kept hiding in places he never would go before, like the drawer under the bed. We placed his bed under the desk in our living room and he settled there and stopped yowling. He never moved all night and wouldn't respond when we patted him/talked to him (he would normally make a purr/chirp noise when we did that). We stayed up with him the whole night. At one point he did get up and peed and pooped on the floor, he has never done that before. A couple times he got up, would stumble, go to his water bowl stand over it and just stare at it for a while then go back to his bed.
The vet came out to the house checked him over and said his heart rate was fast and she suspected his blood pressure was really high and it had altered his state of mind and that's why he was being so odd at his water bowl. I don't know if I believe this! She said there was nothing else we could do for him and he would continue to get weaker. At this point he got up went to his water bowl and started drinking! But then continued going between his three water bowls hunched over staring at them. The vet said he wouldn't get any better and it would be the kindest thing to do and let him go. I couldn't sign the consent form, my partner had to do it. I was holding him when they put the sedative in his leg, he proper hissed and pulled away, I'm convinced that was his way of saying "f off I'm going to get better". We put him on his bed for the vet to give him the overdose of anaesthetic. She said it would take a couple minutes to ten minutes for him to slip away after it being given; he was gone before they finished injecting it all. My partner says he thinks that shows how weak his heart was as he went so quickly.

I am so sorry for this essay! But I feel like I had to give all this info as I need to give the whole story. I have never felt this horrific in my life! I miss my boy so so so much, I just want him back! I feel broken! I'm consumed with guilt, I feel like I've let our boy down. I keep thinking what if there was something else we could have done to help, but we didn't do anything else for him and now he's gone and I can't cope! People keep saying we did the right thing for him, but who am I to end his wee life. He trusted us to look after him and we let this happen to him!
Has anyone felt this horrendous guilt? How did you deal with it? I feel like I can't live with this guilt and that we no longer have our boy! I've been physically sick with how I'm feeling. I feel like I've massively let him down and wherever he is he's angry with us.

Has anyone felt the same way in this situation?
Please help me,
Sara

 

[les26]

First I am so sorry that the end finally had to come for him, but if I read this correctly he was 19 which was really good for a cat plus YOU SAVED him all those years ago! But it sounds like it was his time, he wasn't enjoying life anymore and if he didn't make that chirp noise I think he was not feeling well and you did the right albeit hardest thing to do for him, and if he passed quickly when they injected him I always think that means that they are ready to go, he is fine now and happy and healthy again, it is you who is hurting and that is normal, the grief has a stranglehold on you and it can play many games with you mentally and physically and will for awhile, and you will start to feel better then it will hit you like a tidal wave again and over and over and over, but with time it settles down and you come to be able to deal with it. I found Holy Basil to be very helpful in dealing with the stress with a clear mind, it is still there but you can handle it a bit better.

Right now no matter what anyone says to you you will still be in pain, but you did more than you could have, he isn't angry with you he loves you and when you see him again one day down the line it will all make sense, and he will let you know that you did the right thing, he thanks you for it and loves you and he is fine now, it will take time and love and prayers but you will heal again but with a scar on your heart, but each time you touch that scar you will be touching him too.

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven"

You did the right thing but it was so so hard we know, you will find much comfort and love here.

I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day, Lord Bless you......

 

[betsygee]

Second-guessing that kind of decision is normal. We always wonder if we could have done more, or done something differently. I went through something similar with the first cat I had to have put to sleep. She was almost 18 and very weak. She also went almost immediately. It was one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do and I felt guilty and broken-hearted for a long time.

As time passed, I knew I did the right thing. She was in pain and did not have a good quality of life any more. Even though it's hard to see it now, I believe you did the right thing, too.

Mr. Karl is out of pain now and at peace. RIP, sweet kitty.

 

[sjp]

Thank you both for your replies! I know in my heart of hearts he's no longer suffering, but I just can't shake this guilt. I feel like I'll never get over this and not having Mr Karl here anymore. How did you start to try feel normal again? I feel like I'll never be happy again. Never felt grief like this in my life, worse than when my grandparents died. I feel guilty for that too.

 

[1 bruce 1]

You adopted a 13 year old cat (which are next to impossible for rescues to place), nursed him through health problems, pulled out all the stops to ensure his health and well being for as long as possible. And the last moments of his life were with you, at home (with a vet making a house call to avoid the stress of travel), in his own bed at an age pushing 20. This was one LUCKY and well loved cat and you sound like a very special and amazing owner.
I understand how you feel guilty, we all have done the same thing, but this is a very fresh and raw wound for you to deal with.
Had you woken up one morning to have found that he had died on his own, chances are you'd be second guessing yourself, too, wondering if you should have "done the deed" sooner.

 

[wt1964]

Mr Karl was a very old little man. He was suffering the maladies that came with one his age. The one thing we cannot do is make our old companions young again.

I understand about the guilt of having to end his life. But they get to a point that we have to realize that we are no longer prolonging their life, but rather we are now prolonging their death. It is a terrible decision to have to make, and the guilt that goes with it is something that I myself have been dealing with for 1.5 years now. I try not to allow myself to "go there", but when I do, I look at the list of all of my little Lucy's ailments, and I am reminded that I surely did the right thing. Her meds and treatments were now working against her, and her time was coming. There can be fewer more terrible decisions than when we have to decide to let our child go...because they are our children. Time takes its toll on those that grow old. Try not to imagine Mr Karl being angry with you. When we lose our pets, we tend to give them spiritual human sensibilities, that they suddenly are bestowed with an intellectual understanding that they did not possess on Earth. Perhaps the one "good" thing about having to put our pets down, is that they do not know what is coming. No doubt he was not happy about being touched by the vet, and no one likes to be poked with a needle...but otherwise, be assured that he was unaware, and please don't beat yourself up by imagining that he is angry with you. You made the decision because he couldn't. To let him go naturally could very well have been worse for him. You did all you could, but we all have our time, and he was an old, old little man. I have no doubt that you gave him the best last years of his life. And you were with him to the end, and that is what counts.

The guilt will linger, but try to look at it rationally and practically. You had the vet's assurance that nothing more could be done. Don't let your grief cloud your reason, and if you can manage that, the guilt will be at least somewhat easier to deal with.

 

[GreyLady]

But they get to a point that we have to realize that we are no longer prolonging their life, but rather we are now prolonging their death.

I think this is a really good way to look at it.

Also, a lot of times the phrase used is "not a good quality of life" but it can go so much further than this, it's not just not good, it's like torture. Every creature must go through some terrible moments, but everybody's worst fear is having them prollonged and dragging on with no escape, that's what torture is. Living without control of his bowel movements and getting sick because he cant process food right and being so confused he is yowling, hiding, and staring off at his bowls in confusion sounds scary, I think you did the best thing for him.

I think most pet owners hope they will not have to make the decision about their pets death. That they will pass away quietly in old age in their sleep. But for so many it doesnt happen, pets cant communicate and things go downhill fast and out of nowhere. I am so, so scared of having to make the decision you did. You did something millions of people are scared to death of. Don't feel bad about it, it's a trauma and it's normal to feel guilty, but it doesn't mean you are. When a kitty is already suffering like yours, badly, you dont have the luxury of slowing down and trying to figure out what exactly is happening. That it is so terrible and he was so old is enough. I hope you find peace soon. Best wishes

 

[foxden]

Sara,
Try to remember the good times you spent with Mr. Karl. These memories can eventually help you replace the most recent set of sad memories.
Look for pictures you have to remember and cherish his life with you. Remember the times you cared for him and he recovered from all the health issues he experienced. You showed your love for him by adopting one of the oldest cats at the shelter, knowing that health issues always come with older cats. You had 6 years where you showed your love for him and he knew he was loved and treasured.
Animals do not fear or anticipate death as humans do. They experience pain and discomfort, but cannot look forward to a time when that pain might not exist.

You made one of the most difficult decisions we make as pet owners. You allowed Mr Karl to leave you, to leave his pain, knowing your pain was just beginning.
He left his pawprint on your heart and he took a piece of your soul with him.
You walked him to the Rainbow Bridge and helped him cross to a place where he is forever young and healthy and will be waiting for you.
The love you shared with him never dies, it still exists in your memory.
Here is a link to another thread that may help you in your process Grieving

 

[Purr-fect]

Has anyone felt the same way in this situation?
Please help me,
Sara

Yes many of us here have felt what you are experiencing now...including me.

Mr Karl was 19 years old, he had been diagnosed with heart failure and fluid on his lungs. In your first post you gave many examples of how he was failing.

I think often we know its time to say goodbye, but our hearts arent ready and wont accept "giving up". The guilt you are feeling is normal and common. It will pass in time.

I think you and your partner chose the right time. Making Mr Karl wait longer would have served your needs, not his. It takes courage to do what you did for him, when you did it.

The real guilt would have been allowing him to suffer because you couldnt fullfill your duty to him.

I love my cats very very much. But I would rather let them slip quietly and peacefully away a day too soon than have them suffer a day too long.

There will be better days ahead. Grieve, cry, remember the special moments and one day love another special cat.

 

[di and bob]

Every action you described is what my precious Burt went through right before he died. The yowling, the hiding, the hunching over the water bowl, and the not responding to your touch. He even was sleeping in his litter box, and stumbling. It was on a Sunday and on a holiday weekend, I would have given anything to have had the vet be able to end his suffering.
The guilt is horrible. And it would come whether you ended the suffering or you let it run its course. The normal lifespan for a cat is around 15 years, your precious little one was equal to a hundred year old. It is a testament to your care and love that you kept him alive for that amount of time. Any time you love someone so much and they are called away you will feel this guilt and crushing grief, you will go through all this second guessing and should haves, could haves. Believe me, it would NOT have been any better to have let him die naturally, they fight against it so hard, and it is absolutely horrible to have to watch them suffer. That he passed so quickly indicates how weak he was, how tired of fighting.
Time is the only thing that helps. It gives you a new perspective on things, it allows our confused and heartbroken minds to process what happened and to start to see things as they truly were, not as we wish they were. To concentrate on his life, not the death, to not make that death more important than the life, because his life is infinitely more precious and valuable. He would NEVER want you to be so sad. Just as you would want for him if you were the first to go, so he wants for you. To let the precious memories of his life with you bring you comfort, not pain, to know in your heart that the bond you have with that sweet boy can never be taken from you, "death cannot take that which never dies", your love for each other. He is as near as your thoughts and prayers. So send him thoughts of love and renew your joy in life. Do not hide his love under that darkness that comes with grief, pass it on, allow it to grow and to bloom with life, not have your happiness and joy in living die too. He would never want that.
Allow yourself to grieve, talk to him, send him your tears and then listen carefully for him to answer your prayers. It might come in the form of a gentle butterfly, or as dramatic as my own Chrissy's shooting star in a clear sky. But it will come. He is apart of you, your very soul.
When my Chrissy died and I was so inconsolable,I went to the local shelter and paid for the cat's adoption that had been there the longest. I still do, several times a year. I do it in her name, and it helps to make you feel a little better about myself. To bring a little happiness to another, to give another the same chance at love.
My thoughts and prayers are with you my friend. I know how much this hurts, and how long it takes to build a new life's order for yourself without them. But with support from those who love you, and talking it out, which helps, you can do it, it just takes one day at a time......RIP sweet Mr. Karl. You will never be forgotten, you will forever have a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[Q2U]

I can only hope that when it is my turn to go there will be someone, such as you sjp , who will help me pass on with such care and heart-felt compassion. Thank you for showing us how much love can be shown.

 

[sjp]

I have been reading each of your replies over and over the last day or so. For you all to take time out of your day to offer such kind words....I can't say thank you enough to each of you!! Your messages have truly helped me to think rationally, realise we did the right thing to end the suffering for our wee boy and to remember not to let his death cloud the amazing and fantastic memories we have of Mr Karl!

I don't know why but hearing you all say/type his name has helped, maybe it helps knowing others know my amazing boy existed. He was such a friendly, sociable boy and was always meowing at any visitors to be petted, everyone loved him. It always made me laugh how it would look like he was sound asleep on his bed but as soon as I opened a packet of ham or the roast chicken tub he would be straight through to the kitchen like a furry bullet. He loved his roast chicken, fresh mackerel, steak; spoiled rotten haha. I'm sorry for rambling on, I just want to talk about him I suppose. We have four other cats too, Smokey is also from the cats protection and she was like Mr Karl's cat wife; they would cuddle up together and clean each other. She cuddled up to him the whole night before he left us.

I also want to say I'm so sorry for all of you who have lost your cats, they're not just pets - they really are like our children! The pain of loosing them is horrendous, but as you guys have said - they will FOREVER hold a place in our hearts and never ever be forgotten!
I know I'll never get over loosing Mr Karl, but your messages have helped me in the right direction to begin accepting what's happened and to try and focus on how I've been so lucky to have had such an amazing wee legend in my life.
Thank you all so much!

 

[Furballsmom]

"Has anyone felt the same way in this situation?"

Yes.

Never felt grief like this in my life, worse than when my grandparents died. I feel guilty for that too.

There are so many of us that are shaken at how badly it hurts. Someone, I apologize I don't recall who, wrote that maybe it's because these furry buddies of ours can end up in our hearts being somewhat similar to human babies because they are dependent on us for so many things, and at the same time similar to elderly frail people where again, they're dependent on us.

Bless you for loving this kitty Mr Karl, and your current, past and any possible future furry babies

 

[les26]

I have been reading each of your replies over and over the last day or so. For you all to take time out of your day to offer such kind words....I can't say thank you enough to each of you!! Your messages have truly helped me to think rationally, realise we did the right thing to end the suffering for our wee boy and to remember not to let his death cloud the amazing and fantastic memories we have of Mr Karl!

I don't know why but hearing you all say/type his name has helped, maybe it helps knowing others know my amazing boy existed. He was such a friendly, sociable boy and was always meowing at any visitors to be petted, everyone loved him. It always made me laugh how it would look like he was sound asleep on his bed but as soon as I opened a packet of ham or the roast chicken tub he would be straight through to the kitchen like a furry bullet. He loved his roast chicken, fresh mackerel, steak; spoiled rotten haha. I'm sorry for rambling on, I just want to talk about him I suppose. We have four other cats too, Smokey is also from the cats protection and she was like Mr Karl's cat wife; they would cuddle up together and clean each other. She cuddled up to him the whole night before he left us.

I also want to say I'm so sorry for all of you who have lost your cats, they're not just pets - they really are like our children! The pain of loosing them is horrendous, but as you guys have said - they will FOREVER hold a place in our hearts and never ever be forgotten!
I know I'll never get over loosing Mr Karl, but your messages have helped me in the right direction to begin accepting what's happened and to try and focus on how I've been so lucky to have had such an amazing wee legend in my life.
Thank you all so much!
View attachment 253927 View attachment 253928 View attachment 253929

Those pictures are all great but the one with him looking up and wearing his little bow tie, that is the one that I would keep in my heart and memory, so so sweet.....

 

[1 bruce 1]

"Has anyone felt the same way in this situation?"

Yes.

Never felt grief like this in my life, worse than when my grandparents died. I feel guilty for that too.

There are so many of us that are shaken at how badly it hurts. Someone, I apologize I don't recall who, wrote that maybe it's because these furry buddies of ours can end up in our hearts being somewhat similar to human babies because they are dependent on us for so many things, and at the same time similar to elderly frail people where again, they're dependent on us.

Bless you for loving this kitty Mr Karl, and your current, past and any possible future furry babies

I think that dependence thing says it all, and to top it off, most people (aside from babies and anyone who has a mental disease/illness that prevents it) can understand and grasp what's happening before. 99% of people will understand if you tell them they have heart disease, kidney failure, cancer etc., where as those who are dependent can't always grasp it.

 

[1 bruce 1]

Those pictures are all great but the one with him looking up and wearing his little bow tie, that is the one that I would keep in my heart and memory, so so sweet.....

His expression in this picture is priceless!

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Mr. Karl, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someones' heart forever.

Oh, My Dear Friend, your guilt is so normal. YES, Mr. Karl trusted you to take care of him, and you did. You made the most unselfish decision we ever have to make, and you made it knowing that your heart would break. You did not allow him to linger and suffer. And he ended this journey safe in your arms. Now, Mr. Karl dances on starlight, free and healthy. No more illness, no more pain. NO ANGER, for he knows how you loved him and love him still, and he returns that full measure. When you meet again in the fulness of time, you will be met with purrs, not hisses, and a sweet voice saying, "Silly human, I understood all the time!"