It has been nearly one week since I found this place... freaking out a couple hours after the traumatic passing of my beloved baby Buddy "Wubby" (too many other names of affection to mention)
I appreciate all the support I have received here.. it is so great to be in the midst of Cat lovers... I know you all can understand the grief that others around me cannot.
Again... I am, going to paste an email I sent tonight to my close "Crazy Cat People" confidants.....as I did in my first posts here on this board.... less the names and appreciation statements....
I buried him with help from three of my kids (Sam, Toby, Makell) just about 12 hours later, with some of his favorite things....
#1 I wrapped him in a baby blanket...
#2 Placed him in a luggage bag of mine that he rubbed his pheromones on every two seconds when I was loading the bag for travel, and slept on or in while in my closet unless I was traveling...(he wanted to make sure I took him with me..and I did in my heart and mind)
#3 Two stinky shoes...that sounds strange, but he loved smelly shoes...so I typically observed him (in his Shoe moments) with his face stuck in one of the boy's shoes, or one of Andy's....so I had the two little ones (Sam and Toby) get one shoe that does not fit them any longer... and we placed them next to him.
#4 Letters of love, from me and the two boys were zipped in compartments of the bag.. surrounding him..., mine was tucked in his blanket.
#5 A strand of yarn...this was his weakness.... he loved chasing strings...regardless of the string holder, he loved them..
#6 about 1000 genuine tears..absorbed by his fur and burial blanket..
(I sealed tight, three contractor grade plastic bags, individually, around the luggage bag.... should take a good 50 years to degrade those layers)
I am selfish, I took his collar off before I wrapped him in the blanket in the place where he died..I wore it around my wrist whilst I held him....I attempted to help Sam and Toby understand the melt down they had just witnessed on the kitchen floor. (I know it sounds a little nuts...but I sleep with it under my pillow so I can touch it...I am sure that will pass...but, I just need it right now. )
This may sound a little morbid to some...but I offered (as they *kids* were collecting items to send with Buddy) to hold him... he had never let someone pick him up and hold him beside me... to my surprise, they both wanted to do so...... I am aware that Toby may have complied just to appease me, but I know Sam truly loved Buddy....(Sam has the animal lover gene...)
I explained that all animals go to Heaven because they are pure...they never felt hate...they do "fear"...as Buddy did.. but they never felt negative feelings, or wanted to hurt anyone....
I was so composed at this time ...for them... that it kind of freaked me out inside....I truly wanted to get back on that kitchen floor and re-live that minute and figure out another way to make the outcome different... make his little heart beat again...he was alive and moving when I came in the room...I can do that right??? Alas...no... I could not...
I have re-played that tape in my head 10,000 times...the moment I saw him...the way everything in the room looked, was positioned etc... maybe it is just my mind messing with me...maybe it is just wishful thinking, but right now I think he was already in distress...he saw me...turned to me for help, or comfort in his last moments...then seized and fell...and what came after....leaving his last minute in my hands...there had to be a reason...I hope it was him knowing that I loved him so freaking much...and that he knew that ....and desired to feel it through me as he passed.
Thank you for putting up with me...Wubby appreciates it I am sure of that!!!
I know you are all very familiar with loss of your little babies...I wish I could say I have pulled myself together and can picture Buddy (Wubby) at the Rainbow Bridge and be at peace at this point in time...but... I know I have to go through it (grief)... and I admit at this moment...I am in the early stages...
Thank you so much for the support everyone!!
I appreciate all the support I have received here.. it is so great to be in the midst of Cat lovers... I know you all can understand the grief that others around me cannot.
Again... I am, going to paste an email I sent tonight to my close "Crazy Cat People" confidants.....as I did in my first posts here on this board.... less the names and appreciation statements....
I buried him with help from three of my kids (Sam, Toby, Makell) just about 12 hours later, with some of his favorite things....
#1 I wrapped him in a baby blanket...
#2 Placed him in a luggage bag of mine that he rubbed his pheromones on every two seconds when I was loading the bag for travel, and slept on or in while in my closet unless I was traveling...(he wanted to make sure I took him with me..and I did in my heart and mind)
#3 Two stinky shoes...that sounds strange, but he loved smelly shoes...so I typically observed him (in his Shoe moments) with his face stuck in one of the boy's shoes, or one of Andy's....so I had the two little ones (Sam and Toby) get one shoe that does not fit them any longer... and we placed them next to him.
#4 Letters of love, from me and the two boys were zipped in compartments of the bag.. surrounding him..., mine was tucked in his blanket.
#5 A strand of yarn...this was his weakness.... he loved chasing strings...regardless of the string holder, he loved them..
#6 about 1000 genuine tears..absorbed by his fur and burial blanket..
(I sealed tight, three contractor grade plastic bags, individually, around the luggage bag.... should take a good 50 years to degrade those layers)
I am selfish, I took his collar off before I wrapped him in the blanket in the place where he died..I wore it around my wrist whilst I held him....I attempted to help Sam and Toby understand the melt down they had just witnessed on the kitchen floor. (I know it sounds a little nuts...but I sleep with it under my pillow so I can touch it...I am sure that will pass...but, I just need it right now. )
This may sound a little morbid to some...but I offered (as they *kids* were collecting items to send with Buddy) to hold him... he had never let someone pick him up and hold him beside me... to my surprise, they both wanted to do so...... I am aware that Toby may have complied just to appease me, but I know Sam truly loved Buddy....(Sam has the animal lover gene...)
I explained that all animals go to Heaven because they are pure...they never felt hate...they do "fear"...as Buddy did.. but they never felt negative feelings, or wanted to hurt anyone....
I was so composed at this time ...for them... that it kind of freaked me out inside....I truly wanted to get back on that kitchen floor and re-live that minute and figure out another way to make the outcome different... make his little heart beat again...he was alive and moving when I came in the room...I can do that right??? Alas...no... I could not...
I have re-played that tape in my head 10,000 times...the moment I saw him...the way everything in the room looked, was positioned etc... maybe it is just my mind messing with me...maybe it is just wishful thinking, but right now I think he was already in distress...he saw me...turned to me for help, or comfort in his last moments...then seized and fell...and what came after....leaving his last minute in my hands...there had to be a reason...I hope it was him knowing that I loved him so freaking much...and that he knew that ....and desired to feel it through me as he passed.
Thank you for putting up with me...Wubby appreciates it I am sure of that!!!
I know you are all very familiar with loss of your little babies...I wish I could say I have pulled myself together and can picture Buddy (Wubby) at the Rainbow Bridge and be at peace at this point in time...but... I know I have to go through it (grief)... and I admit at this moment...I am in the early stages...
Thank you so much for the support everyone!!
