About two years ago I adopted a smallish female cat (Sydney) from a local rescue that had been abused when she was little which made her a bit of a scaredy cat. Things seemed to be okay at first, occasionally my large male cat will chase her around at night and I can hear her hissing from the top of the fridge where she goes to get away, but nothing too serious has ever happened. She is afraid of people that she doesn't know, but she quickly warmed up to me and loves to get pet.
Recently my boyfriend has been spending more and more time at my place, and unfortunately he and the cat don't get along too well. She seems at times to be completely terrified of him. He has never had cats, always a dog person, so he doesn't really know how to deal with them. He thinks that you can teach a cat to do things just like you might be able to teach a dog. If you punish the cat for doing something bad, it will learn not to do it (I don't think this is even how you should teach a dog, but that doesn't matter). I told him that you can't do that with a cat. You can't force her to do things that she doesn't want to do and you can't be mad at her when she hisses at you because she is scared. He wants to try and lock her in her cat carrier every time she does something he doesn't like and I tell him that it won't work, she will just be more scared, but he seems to think that he knows better than I do. I told him that he needs to show her that when he is here, good things happen. He should ignore her and let her come up to him and give her treats and play with her all of the time. He will usually do this for a while and things will get better. She will start to come out more and be playful, but then something happens (usually when I'm not in the room) where he says that he tried to pet her and she hissed at him. She is usually sleeping when this happens so I think that he just startles her, but for whatever reason he thinks that she is just being mean. I keep trying to explain that she is just scared and that he has to try and bribe her into liking him. He also keeps trying to take away her hiding spots in order to force her to be in the room with us. I told him that by doing that, she will be more upset. If she has a place to hide, she will be more likely to come out and investigate because she knows she can get away. It doesn't help that my other cat is more like a dog. You can pick him up and wrestle with him and do almost anything to him and he could care less. My boyfriend doesn't seem to understand that all cats aren't like that.
Things have gotten pretty stressful, almost to the point of getting rid of either the cat or the boyfriend, but after our last argument he seems to have come around to actually trying to get along with her. There are still times when she will cower a bit when he comes around, but there are also still times when he tries to pet her and she purrs and loves it, so I don't think it is a completely lost cause. He has given her back her major hiding place and she seems to be much more relaxed now that the door to the bathroom is simply open. Unfortunately I think the fact that my other cat chases her around sometimes doesn't help things, but one thing at a time I think.
I've got two Feliway diffusers for my living and dinning rooms (the rooms where the cats spend most of their time, I live in a small apartment). I was wondering if there was anything else that I might be able to give her that might make her more relaxed and less likely to hiss at him (I've heard things about flower essences?). He doesn't get upset with her until she hisses or swats at him (although, I've only ever seen hissing and moving away, never any scratches). Also, maybe you could suggest some articles or books that explain the best way to deal with skittish cats that I can have him read so he can see that I'm not the only person who says that punishment doesn't work. It is a very fine line I have to tread because he thinks that it is just my irrational view of my cats and her abuse that makes me feel like she is just scared and not see the "truth," as he calls it, that she is just mean.
Thanks for your help!
Recently my boyfriend has been spending more and more time at my place, and unfortunately he and the cat don't get along too well. She seems at times to be completely terrified of him. He has never had cats, always a dog person, so he doesn't really know how to deal with them. He thinks that you can teach a cat to do things just like you might be able to teach a dog. If you punish the cat for doing something bad, it will learn not to do it (I don't think this is even how you should teach a dog, but that doesn't matter). I told him that you can't do that with a cat. You can't force her to do things that she doesn't want to do and you can't be mad at her when she hisses at you because she is scared. He wants to try and lock her in her cat carrier every time she does something he doesn't like and I tell him that it won't work, she will just be more scared, but he seems to think that he knows better than I do. I told him that he needs to show her that when he is here, good things happen. He should ignore her and let her come up to him and give her treats and play with her all of the time. He will usually do this for a while and things will get better. She will start to come out more and be playful, but then something happens (usually when I'm not in the room) where he says that he tried to pet her and she hissed at him. She is usually sleeping when this happens so I think that he just startles her, but for whatever reason he thinks that she is just being mean. I keep trying to explain that she is just scared and that he has to try and bribe her into liking him. He also keeps trying to take away her hiding spots in order to force her to be in the room with us. I told him that by doing that, she will be more upset. If she has a place to hide, she will be more likely to come out and investigate because she knows she can get away. It doesn't help that my other cat is more like a dog. You can pick him up and wrestle with him and do almost anything to him and he could care less. My boyfriend doesn't seem to understand that all cats aren't like that.
Things have gotten pretty stressful, almost to the point of getting rid of either the cat or the boyfriend, but after our last argument he seems to have come around to actually trying to get along with her. There are still times when she will cower a bit when he comes around, but there are also still times when he tries to pet her and she purrs and loves it, so I don't think it is a completely lost cause. He has given her back her major hiding place and she seems to be much more relaxed now that the door to the bathroom is simply open. Unfortunately I think the fact that my other cat chases her around sometimes doesn't help things, but one thing at a time I think.
I've got two Feliway diffusers for my living and dinning rooms (the rooms where the cats spend most of their time, I live in a small apartment). I was wondering if there was anything else that I might be able to give her that might make her more relaxed and less likely to hiss at him (I've heard things about flower essences?). He doesn't get upset with her until she hisses or swats at him (although, I've only ever seen hissing and moving away, never any scratches). Also, maybe you could suggest some articles or books that explain the best way to deal with skittish cats that I can have him read so he can see that I'm not the only person who says that punishment doesn't work. It is a very fine line I have to tread because he thinks that it is just my irrational view of my cats and her abuse that makes me feel like she is just scared and not see the "truth," as he calls it, that she is just mean.
Thanks for your help!
