Boy or Girl?

[sierra_k]

About a month ago my 21 year old cat, Sassy, passed away

  I still have my 6 year old male, Joey.  We really haven't been ready to get another cat, but I think Joey is having a hard time being an only child.  He runs around meowing in the night, gets into everything, and seems to be looking for her.  He has always been around other pets, and I think he is lonely.

We have agreed to look for another cat, but don't know exactly what to look for.  I know that a tiny kitten is out....Joey is 6 and he weighs about 20 pounds!  I am thinking that another young adult would be better for everyone. 

Should I look for a boy or a girl?  Does it even matter? 

Any suggestions would be appreciated.  I have read the articles on this site about introducing a new cat into the household. 

Thank you!

Sierra

 

[sk_pacer]

I don't think it matters. My cats get along great for the most part and in winter, it is an evenly mixed 'herd'. Sure there are spats but that is also normal with that many cats.

 

[mrblanche]

Some people say that females, with their natural territoriality, are harder to integrate.  That might be true.  Our Ella was pretty slow to be anybody's friend, and pretty hissy and growly at first.  On the other hand, our little foster Sassy doesn't have an aggressive bone in her body and would love to play with everyone.  It's our permanent cats who are resistant.  She's broken the ice with "Mama Sterling" and is getting there with Flambe.

This is Sassy when she first came home.  I don't know why she seems unfazed by other cats; she just walks by them, unless they swat at her, and then she just scoots away.

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• mrblanche
• Sep 26, 2012

 

[lyrajean]

An older kitten about 6mos or so should be able to hold his/her own with your cat. You could check with local shelters to see if they have any "left-overs" from the springs litters. Now would be a good time to find one that age.

 

[catspaw66]

Three of my five ladies came from being fosters at his house, and they were no problem at all to integrate into the clan.  I guess his cats are the perfect mix to show fosters how to act.

Definitely get an older cat, sometimes they are harder for shelters to find homes for.  Go to the shelter, look at all the adults, watch how they interact with people and other cats and then make your choice.  Remember, you don't have to get one the first time you look.  I am sure you will find one that says "I am perfect for you."

 

[sierra_k]

Thank you for all of your replies. There are two shelters and a kitty rescue near my home. All of my pets are "rehomes" and that is where my heart is. Joey gets worse every day. Now he is starting to bite me (he has never been a biter) and he howls when I get out of his sight. Since I work, I am sure that he cries while I am gone. I will look for an older kitten, or young adult. Still not sure if boy or girl. Joey came into my home when there were two very old cats...one male and one female. I am more concerned about the new cat than Joey, as he seems to like everyone. Sorry for long post...I just want to make a good choice.

 

[mrblanche]

You COULD take Joey to the shelter and test him out, but I've found that with cats, that's not a very dependable test.  If you went by that, you'd think our Flambe hated everyone, and he definitely doesn't.
 

 

[sierra_k]

The rescue has a "foster with intent to adopt" program that I will probably go with.  That would allow me to bring a kitty into the home and see how things would be with Joey and another cat.  If all goes well after a reasonable time, I could adopt the foster.  If things do not go well, we are not committed.  NOW, I just need help deciding on a boy or a girl.  The article on this site (about introducing a newcomer) says that neutered males of approximately the same age might like to be buddies.  Should I try that first?  or just go visiting cats and see who has  a great personality and not worry so much about boy or girl???? 

 

[txcatmom]

neutered males of approximately the same age might like to be buddies.  Should I try that first?  or just go visiting cats and see who has  a great personality and not worry so much about boy or girl???

I know some don't like gender stereotypes, but I think the thing about neutered males tends to be true.  I'd do both, keep that generalization in mind, but be open to a girl kitty with the right personality too.  (By the way we recently fostered with intent to adopt and it was a great experience....adopted our foster about a week ago.)

Here's a cat blog I love that describes cat personality types and how to choose compatible cats.  It has been super helpful to me...

http://www.wayofcats.com/blog/cat-types

 

[otto]

The rescue has a "foster with intent to adopt" program that I will probably go with.  That would allow me to bring a kitty into the home and see how things would be with Joey and another cat.  If all goes well after a reasonable time, I could adopt the foster.  If things do not go well, we are not committed.  NOW, I just need help deciding on a boy or a girl.  The article on this site (about introducing a newcomer) says that neutered males of approximately the same age might like to be buddies.  Should I try that first?  or just go visiting cats and see who has  a great personality and not worry so much about boy or girl???? 

I'm so sorry for your loss of your beloved Sassy. 21 years is a testament to the love and care she received all her life! Joey is grieving, too. Cats feel the loss of their companions as acutely as humans. Give him lots of love. Talk to him about Sassy, where she is, what has happened to her. Tell him you understand how sad and lonely he is.

I disagree with "foster trials". That is not what fostering is. Fostering is taking in cats until good homes can be found for them, often the cat needs to learn socialization skills, or needs nursing. It is not meant to put a cat on "trial", then back to the shelter the cat goes if you decide you don't want him. That's just not right. Every return to the shelter lessens the cat's chance of ever finding a forever home.

I think going into an adoption with the attitude that "this is a trial" is the wrong way to think. Most cats take time to adjust to change, any change.

Talk to the people at the shelter or rescue about your home and lifestyle, to help them understand which kitty might be right for you and Joey. Go to the rescue and shelter and see who Chooses you. If it feels right, bring him/her home, and commit to the adoption for the long term, regardless of how long it takes for Joey and newbie to make friends.

Gender isn't all that important. What matters is who Chooses you.

 

[sierra_k]

Txcatmom...thank you!  I will keep in mind that a neutered male might make a good buddy for Joey, but a sweet girl might be the right choice.  I do believe in letting the cat choose me rather than the other way around.  I am happy that your foster worked out so well.  I will check out that blog before I go out visiting kitties :-)

Otto...you make some very good points.  I agree that the adoption should not be looked upon as a "trial".  If you look at all my past posts you will see that I have lost 2 cats in the last year, and that they were 23, and 21 years old.  I obviously take my committment to my pets seriously.  Joey and I are both grieving, and I want to provide him with a companion because I am not home 24/7.  I just want to make a good choice.  Joey and I have been having some nice talks and cuddle time.  I talk to him about Sassy, and how much we miss her, where she is, and that I understand how sad he is that she is gone. 

I don't understand why Joey is biting me so much.  I don't make a big deal about it, but just put my hand on his face, tell him "no biting, that hurts me".

I guess I will just have to go out and start meeting cats until THE one presents itself.

Thanks for all of your input.  It helps.  I am still so sad....its' hard to think about getting another cat, but I know it will be the best for Joey.

 

[txcatmom]

I disagree with "foster trials".

I've often scoffed at anything resembling a "trial" with a cat because it takes so long for them to adjust to other cats and to get to know them.  I do think fostering with the intent to adopt is a bit different though (though I agree it is different than straight fostering.  However the outcome can be the same...a cat who is more prepared for their forever home.)  In our case, we didn't know if the foster cat would ever be healthy enough to meet our other cats.  We couldn't have kept her in isolation for her whole life if her health didn't improve.  The hospital at the shelter (where she came from) or a one-cat home might have been better for her if we couldn't get her healthy.  We certainly hoped to, even planned on adopting her all along.  I think there are probably other situations where it could be a good thing.

 

[otto]

There are always exceptions, of course.

Sierra, to help with the biting, you might try installing a feliway plug in diffuser to help reduce stress and anxiety. It will come in handy when the newbie comes home, too.

He may be trying to recreate some ritual that he had going with Sassy. Did they cuddle much? Perhaps they exchanged love bites sometimes. Sounds like you are discouraging it in the right way. You can also try having a stuffed animal or other favorite toy in your hand and encourage him to bite that instead.

A good rousing interactive game right before bed will help him sleep through the night better, though, my Tolly did look for and call for his Bibbs, every night for almost a year, after she died. It was heart breaking. He had other cats, Mazy to play with and Ootay, whom he was as bonded to as he had been with Bibbs, but he was so lost without his Bibbs, for a long time. I wish I'd known about Feliway then.

Rescue Remedy at bed time can help, too.

 

[whollycat]

I am still so sad....its' hard to think about getting another cat, but I know it will be the best for Joey.

I'm going to be in the minority here and propose that you wait a bit longer. You are both grieving and may need more time.

My little back-story: When Abby (now 16) lost is brother (litter mate) Tuffy to CKD/CRF (in 2004), we were both devastated. Abby looked for Tuffy for the longest time, wouldn't eat (he's a chow cat, so this was highly troubling), became especially needy, and just was in quite the funk (me too). What I did was exactly what Otto said--I talked to Abby and told him how sorry I was that Tuffy had to leave him. I poured my heart out to Abby as he listened intently to me. I also showered him with a lot more attention and lovin' and let him sleep with me (he is up a lot at night, so I don't generally do this).

As time went on he got better and seemed more content. Only then was it that I knew that he would be more accepting of an addition to our family (and me too!). Tuffy left in mid-July of 2004, and Maxie (Maine Coon-13 wks old) arrived from his cattery Thanksgiving day (in November

) of that year. Abby took to Maxie within the first night with a couple hisses and a bop on the head.

That was it. They became buddies. (I did spend the night on the sofa just to make sure.)

I will say that it took at least a year for Abby to fully complete his grieving process. How did I know? He started saying "ma-ma" again to me once in awhile when he meowed. Tuffy, a very sweet, timid mama's boy who never fought with Abby, would jump on Abby's back and bite his neck whenever Abby said "ma-ma" in his presence (I'd end up prying Tuffy off). I would have to ignore Abby when he said it if Tuffy was in the room, although sometimes that didn't work because Tuffy would hear him from most anywhere in our home and would come scooting out and jump on Abby. What a hoot because Tuffy was half Abby's size and Abby could have easily mopped the floor with Tuffy. He didn't though, which I found amazing.

So my point is, maybe it's best to wait a bit until Joey is okay with things (and you too)? I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Angel Sassy.

Maybe let yourselves grieve her loss, celebrate her life, and then get more serious about another kitty joining the family?

Just something to think about.