Anti-social cat--is he still happy??

[debbiegarland]

Hi everyone I have a one year old siamese mix.  Anyways I got a second cat (to provide a companion for my first)  and it made me realize how anti-social my first cat is in comparison with the second.  My second cat constantly wants to be held and pet whereas my first cat will not let me touch him.  In fact he runs away if I step near him.  He never makes eye contact with me and he dissapears for long periods of time.  He is also very skittish of any sudden noise or movement.  He hates strangers and will hide the whole day when someone new comes.  

The only signs of affection I see from him is he seems to prefer me over the rest of my family and will usually be in the same room as me, but that is about it.  

I think this might all stem from his past though.  He was the first cat I got and I don't think I did a good job of evaluating the place I got him from.  He was so so scared when I first got him, but they told me hiding under the bed for two weeks was normal.  But I later found out that his foster care kept all their cats locked up in a tower like cage because they also fostered dogs.  Apparently one time a dog grabbed a kitten by the neck and killed it.   Basically I think he was VERY poorly socialized.  

--My first question is although he doesn't seek any attention or affection from me is he still happy??  Is this just his personality or is something wrong? I know some cats are more aloof than others.  

--My second question is is there anything I can do to try and coax him into being more social? 

The most important thing is I want him to be happy and healthy!!  Thanks! 

 

[molly92]

Poor thing, I'm sure his start in life has affected his personality, and he's probably always going to be more skittish and scared than a cat that was well socialized when it was young.

The good thing is there are ways to make some experiences less scary for him, which would be nice for him if he doesn't have to live in fear quite so much.

Although he's not feral, he does share some of the characteristics, and if you want to, you can follow these steps thoroughly to teach him to like petting and tolerate being held http://bestfriends.org/resources/socializing-cats-how-socialize-very-shy-or-fearful-cat. Or if he's advanced enough, you can just adapt the lessons to what he needs the most help with. If after all that he still just doesn't like some things, that's fine. It's helpful to be able to handle your cat for medical reasons, but they do not need petting to be happy if they don't like it.

Food is the quickest way to make a positive association with something, so you can give him little pieces of his favorite treat every time he's stressed out by something, and slowly, he'll learn that that noise or that person means food is coming rather than danger.

I'm sure he is much happier than he was before he came to live with you! He may never really like petting that much and that's fine. That he chooses to be in the same room with you is a very deliberate sign of trust in you. He would not be in the same room with you if he didn't like you. Cats can be pretty subtle about showing affection sometimes, but they do not decide things randomly. Him choosing to fall asleep in the same room as you could be his equivalent of another cat running up to you and rubbing all over you. It's very normal for a cat who was not well socialized to people to not make eye contact. Cats do not naturally communicate with their eyes like we do, and a direct stare can be interpreted as aggression in cats who don't understand human eye contact as well.

Overall I think he's probably grateful to be in a safe home with no scary dogs! Unfortunately some fears got wired into him at a young age that can't be completely undone, so he will never have the happy go luck disposition of other cats, but I would guess that he is happy overall.

 

[debbiegarland]

Wow that's so helpful!! Thank you! Glad to know he is probably happy! I will try that lesson plan thing!  

Also on the flip side I have a question about a too social cat! 

My other cat is basically a velcro cat which I kinda love and kinda hate.  I can deal with him having to be on my lap, and held, and in the bathroom, and sleeping on my face, and all his other antics haha, but the one thing is that he wakes me up at night every few hours because he wants me to pet him.  He does this by biting my toes and legs and won't stop unless I pet him.  Although I adore him, and it is to some extent very cute is there any solution to this?  I have tried locking him out of my room and I did it for a week but the whole week he scratched up my door and meowed all night.  

I mean I guess I can deal with it.  It's so so cute, but at the same time I kinda want sleep too!  Is this just a kitten thing--he is about 5 months.

 

[molly92]

Well, good you can deal with him sleeping on your face, because I'm not sure I'd be able to do that!

Part of it is just him being a kitten. They get bored when you've been lying still for so long! But I do know of a way that might stop it, it just takes a lot of willpower.

My adult cat (who was on a diet) started biting me in the early morning hours to try and get me to get her breakfast. I tried hissing at her and hiding under the covers and yelping, but all of that just seemed to make her more determined to continue. Eventually I had to just lay completely still and pretend like I was still sound asleep. If she got any reaction out of me at all, she assumed she was getting closer to her goal of getting me out of bed and into the kitchen and she would keep at it. And at first, when nibbling didn't work, she would just start biting even harder, but I got pretty good at pretending I didn't feel anything. It took a few days, but eventually I convinced her that there was nothing she could do to wake me. She just had to wait for the alarm to go off. And she gave up, and now she lets me sleep.

 

[debbiegarland]

Thanks for the advice!  That is going to take a lot of willpower though!  Maybe i'll invest in a thick quilt haha