Afraid I Will Regret Second Cat

[cylon.descendant]

Hello,

I am hoping that anyone who has experienced similar emotions after adoption might be able to help put my mind at ease or validate how I'm feeling. I have had my first cat for almost 8 years; I love him so much and feel like he is my feline soul mate, in spite of all the trouble he causes (it really just makes me love him more). Over the past couple of years I've toyed with the idea of adopting a second cat. Earlier, I hadn't really considered it an option because my cat, Smog, loves being the centre of attention and I didn't think he'd like to compete for that. But over time I started thinking that, if I was careful about it, another cat might be an enriching companion for him. He hates being left alone at home while I'm at work, and he just needs a lot of stimulation and interaction in general. Plus, I love cats .

So I decided to embark on the journey of adopting a second cat. A number of months ago I did a few day trial meeting between Smog and a cat from a rescue (the rescue allowed/encouraged home trials). It didn't work out as the other cat's personality really clashed with Smog's - the other little guy was super playful and play-aggressive and had a very dominant streak. So when that didn't work out I decided to step back and maybe not adopt another cat. Flash forward, and I decided to give it another go - a local rescue had a cat whose personality seemed like it would be compatible with Smog; she was known to be friendly and good with other cats. I had been feeling again like Smog could benefit from extra companionship, so I went for it after much consideration.

New Kitty (not named yet) is very sweet and friendly. She loves to be pet, is playful, and has shown no signs of being bothered by Smog's presence. I am taking introductions slowly - they have mostly been in separate rooms but have had a couple short meetings (through the crack in the door and once with them both in the same room). Smog has been good - he hasn't acted aggressive or anything at this point. But he is clearly quite suspicious of the newcomer, and even though Smog is the bigger cat, he seems kind of freaked out by her (the big baby ). But I know introductions can take time and I feel like everything's going pretty smoothly so far.

What I am worried about is more about me. I have been having these little doubts about whether I will regret this change in my and Smog's lives. I have such a close bond with him, and even though I love cats in general, it seems impossible to imagine ever loving another cat as much as I love Smog. And I would feel bad if I couldn't give the new kitty that same level of love that she deserves. I also worry that it will end up changing Smaug's relationship to me or making him less confident or something. I would be really sad if he retreats into a shell because he feels less confident with the other cat. I keep telling myself that, yes, things will shift and change with the new addition, but it could be a change for the better and one day I probably won't be able to imagine my life without the new girl.... But I still just can't help worrying that I will end up regretting my decision and that it will shift things for the worse for Smog. I am committed to caring for and giving a good, safe home to the new kitty. But I am just wondering if my anxieties seem normal and if others have gone through similar feelings???

 

[Elfilou]

Let me start by saying that what you're feeling is valid, and that I have similar feelings about my cat. Elfie is now two years old and, next year after I move, I will be looking to adopt. For the same reasons as you are. I love cats, and I think it would enrich Elfie's life when I am away from home. I'm already nervous about the change in dynamic. Elfie is my soul-kitty. Will our relationship change? Will she feel less secure? Can I love the new cat as much as I do Elf?

Right now I can still look at those feelings with a level head, because I'm not in that situation yet, and say that it's just anxiety. We humans are hardwired to fear change, because we want to feel safe and secure and changing is taking a risk. Things will change! But I have to tell myself that things will change for the better.

I think you should enjoy the process and focus mostly on getting to know the new kitty. As much as you are scared, just imagine how big of a thing this is in her life. You will be her human now, and that's a great thing for the both of you. Take babysteps and try to embrace the change. Tell yourself you have nothing to fear. If a problem presents itself, I'll take your example of Smog becoming less confident and retreating, you will be able to deal with that. There are ways to make a cat feel more confident, such as playing with them, offering more places for them to climb on etc.

But really, you seem to be doing everything right and things seem to be going well. If problems arise you can always make a new thread and ask for help. Hopefully I'll be able to tell myself this when I'm finally adopting my second cat - but try to enjoy the process!

 

[kissthisangel]

I do totally understand where you are coming from, when we got our second cat it was the opposite for me. I'd wanted cats my entire life and got myself a kitten ( my first cat) for my 25th Birthday. I knew I would love her, she was tabby, not the ginger tom I'd wanted, nor a tuxedo, who I had briefly loved for a few months at college ( stray and rehomed as we weren't allowed pets), but she was mine, forever. I had the first pick of her litter. She slept on my lap my head my chest and she wanted our attention all of the time.I marvelled at her every move, and my partner who has had cats all his life loves her, but not the same. About a year later, my partner's friend's cat had a litter of kittens, and he fell in love with our little boy. He showed me some pictures and I agreed, we had to have the little boy excitement and kitten shopping spree ensued. I was so careful to apply a slow and closely monitored introduction, but to be honest he could handle himself, it became clear after about 3 months that the little boy was his cat, and my baby will always be mine. It's not that I don't love Charlie I absolutely do, the rare occasions where he snuggles in under the duvet with me or when I'm sick he sits on my feet and warms them up I treasure those moments. I'm sure my partner loves it when my girl begs to be picked up, which she never will with me. Sorry this got a little off track with me wistfully remembering cat moments. Anyway. You have plenty of love for two cats and if you follow the slow intro it should work out. Just post here if you have any questions further down the line. You just need to take it slow and build a great relationship with the newbie and keep up the love for your original cat, slowly bringing them together over time.They may never snuggle, but good companions don't have to. <3

 

[susanm9006]

A second cat is an adjustment but an adult cat is your best chance to get a personality that goes with your current cat and you.

 

[cylon.descendant]

Thanks everyone for the replies. It is nice to know my worries aren't totally unique, and to just let the process unfold and trust that we will all adjust and be okay.

Just to clarify, the new kitty is 2 years old, so I did go the adult cat route rather than the kitten route. She is used to being around other cats, so it's more my first cat that this is a big adjustment for.

I just hope I'm not a bad cat person for worrying that I might regret this!

 

[danteshuman]

I got a playmate for my beloved Salem... and Dante is very much like how you described the first kitten you said clashed with your cat! That said when I travel, they get along great. They snuggle together when I'm around. Even what I call them not getting along (Salem growling or Dante occasionally/once a month jumping on & biting Salem between the shoulder blades) many cat owners wish their cats got along that well. So if my boys can get along or my punk can learn to share; then your cats should be best buddies soon enough.

 

[Elfilou]

The possibility of regret is always there. But if that feeling does come, deal with it then. Don't try to anticipate it. Make the decision to fully enjoy the process ! Try to imagine positive things (theyll get along, this will be good for all of you), rather than imagine what could go wrong! Which is easy to say but harder to do. I'm sure it will take some adjusting but I doubt you will regret bringing another feline into your life. Let's be real here, she is most probably going to steal your heart. Keep us posted if it helps!

 

[auntie]

This is a great thread...I am in the same pickle! We haven’t even got the new kitty yet so it’s still theoretical—almost worse. I have to just give up on worrying I guess...do the introduction correctly and put it in G-d’s hands. Ugh, not my strong point!
Good luck to us all

 

[cylon.descendant]

Thank you all for the reassurance . I have been feeling less doubtful over the past couple days, and Elfilou, you are totally right that the new kitty is stealing my heart.

It has also helped that the short meet-and-greets where I have let the cats get acquainted in the same room have gone pretty smoothly. Smog is still a bit skeptical about his new roommate, but new kitty really just wants to make friends with him haha. And there have been no fights or even hisses so far when they've been together, which is great (though these are only short, supervised meetings so far).

I also am starting to see it more along the lines that yes, I have a deep bond with Smaug that has grown over our many years together, and so new kitty can't 'compete' with that just yet, but at the same time she and I are starting to grow our own bond that will deepen over time with each other, and so there's no need to compare it to the bond I have with Smog. Different doesn't mean less meaningful. And I am also starting to realize that instead of just worrying that this will change the dynamic between me and Smog, I can see it as something that is letting me learn even more about Smog as we both navigate this new situation.

Anyways, I just thought I'd update on my shifting perspective in case anyone is reading this thread and having the same doubts that were kind of plaguing me a few days ago. I'm sure the process won't always be smooth and perfect, but I feel much more hopeful and positive about things, so hopefully anyone else who goes through those doubts can see that they can dissipate over time.

 

[Elfilou]

Such a great update I'm so happy to read that! I hope things will continue to sail smoothly for you guys

 

[Minxrat]

I've just gone through the same thing - I've got Milo not because I wanted a second kitten but because Poppy was on her own too much and I felt she needed company. She's been good with him so far - they're only 6 months apart - but she's my number one priority and although Milo is a sweetie and very playful, I really hope I don't feel resentful that he's there and wanting to play when I've got him solely to see Poppy happy. He's so very different than Poppy was at his age, which is a good thing. And he's giving Poppy the exercise and company she so needed.

It has changed the dynamics with me and Poppy a little bit and it can be quite upsetting but that happens with people too and we all get used to it. It's lovely having a little kitten asleep on my chest again but I put a pillow up so Poppy can't see him and get jealous - it's little things like that. Poppy has always been a cool, calm, collected young cat and he's the opposite so he's bringing her out of herself a bit.

I really do worry too much

 

[bells85]

Hello,

I am hoping that anyone who has experienced similar emotions after adoption might be able to help put my mind at ease or validate how I'm feeling. I have had my first cat for almost 8 years; I love him so much and feel like he is my feline soul mate, in spite of all the trouble he causes (it really just makes me love him more). Over the past couple of years I've toyed with the idea of adopting a second cat. Earlier, I hadn't really considered it an option because my cat, Smog, loves being the centre of attention and I didn't think he'd like to compete for that. But over time I started thinking that, if I was careful about it, another cat might be an enriching companion for him. He hates being left alone at home while I'm at work, and he just needs a lot of stimulation and interaction in general. Plus, I love cats .

So I decided to embark on the journey of adopting a second cat. A number of months ago I did a few day trial meeting between Smog and a cat from a rescue (the rescue allowed/encouraged home trials). It didn't work out as the other cat's personality really clashed with Smog's - the other little guy was super playful and play-aggressive and had a very dominant streak. So when that didn't work out I decided to step back and maybe not adopt another cat. Flash forward, and I decided to give it another go - a local rescue had a cat whose personality seemed like it would be compatible with Smog; she was known to be friendly and good with other cats. I had been feeling again like Smog could benefit from extra companionship, so I went for it after much consideration.

New Kitty (not named yet) is very sweet and friendly. She loves to be pet, is playful, and has shown no signs of being bothered by Smog's presence. I am taking introductions slowly - they have mostly been in separate rooms but have had a couple short meetings (through the crack in the door and once with them both in the same room). Smog has been good - he hasn't acted aggressive or anything at this point. But he is clearly quite suspicious of the newcomer, and even though Smog is the bigger cat, he seems kind of freaked out by her (the big baby ). But I know introductions can take time and I feel like everything's going pretty smoothly so far.

What I am worried about is more about me. I have been having these little doubts about whether I will regret this change in my and Smog's lives. I have such a close bond with him, and even though I love cats in general, it seems impossible to imagine ever loving another cat as much as I love Smog. And I would feel bad if I couldn't give the new kitty that same level of love that she deserves. I also worry that it will end up changing Smaug's relationship to me or making him less confident or something. I would be really sad if he retreats into a shell because he feels less confident with the other cat. I keep telling myself that, yes, things will shift and change with the new addition, but it could be a change for the better and one day I probably won't be able to imagine my life without the new girl.... But I still just can't help worrying that I will end up regretting my decision and that it will shift things for the worse for Smog. I am committed to caring for and giving a good, safe home to the new kitty. But I am just wondering if my anxieties seem normal and if others have gone through similar feelings???

Thank you SO much for posting this!!! I am in the same situation. My cat I had before the kitten is only 1. I am worried that Penny (older cat) is going to stop loving me. How slow did you introduce them? How long has it taken? I am on say 3 and I am losing sleep trying to care for the kitten and have penny have plenty of attention. any tips? Penny hid for about a day when she heard the baby crying, she is hissing and growling and not coming out of the room. So any advice even step by step time amount of exposure would be AMAZING!!!

 

[cylon.descendant]

Thank you SO much for posting this!!! I am in the same situation. My cat I had before the kitten is only 1. I am worried that Penny (older cat) is going to stop loving me. How slow did you introduce them? How long has it taken? I am on say 3 and I am losing sleep trying to care for the kitten and have penny have plenty of attention. any tips? Penny hid for about a day when she heard the baby crying, she is hissing and growling and not coming out of the room. So any advice even step by step time amount of exposure would be AMAZING!!!

Hi Bells,

This might be longish, but here is a kind of play-by-play of what has happened with me. I am on day 7 now, so not too much further along than you. The first few days especially were a hassle, trying to go back and forth between the bedroom to spend time with the new kitty and the other part of the apartment to make sure Smog was getting lots of attention. Honestly, it was stressful and scary and emotional at first. Now those feelings are all settling down and while I still have moments of that anxiety, I am feeling positive about the fact that it's slowly been dissipating as I get used to everything (and as the cats do).

I kept them completely separated for the first few days (other than the fact that they could sniff under the door). After maybe two days I started doing some 'site swapping,' so that each cat could explore the other part of the apartment and smell the other cat without having to meet each other yet. That was a bit of a hassle, but one thing you can do is put one cat in the bathroom or something, let the confined (new) cat out, then go move the (old) cat into the other room now that the new one is out. That way they don't really have to see each other in the process.

After maybe three days I started letting the cats sniff and see each other by opening the door just a tiny crack (not enough for them to squeeze a paw through even at first). After a few times, since that was going okay, I started to open the door a little wider. On maybe day 4 or 5 when I was just trying to move between rooms, the new kitty managed to sneak out. Since their doorway meetings had been okay (no hisses really, though Smog was definitely suspicious and not seeming too happy about the new cat), instead of rushing to get the new cat back in the room, I let her stay out for a minute. She walked right up to Smog and wanted to greet him; he backed away in fear and suspicion and she followed him while he tried to get away. He didn't hiss or anything though. I kind of let them sniff noses and then put her back in the room and gave Smog some treats and attention. In my situation, the new cat isn't afraid of Smog at all and is used to being around other cats, so she just kind of wants to make friends, but is a little too pushy about it for Smog's liking. He's really unsure about her and while he can be okay for the initial nose sniff, he doesn't like when she keeps trying to get in his face, and he runs away if she does that (she chases after him lol). I kept those meetings very short the first few times, and I found that it worked best when the new cat was in a calm state beforehand (like she had just been napping or something).

Tonight I let the new cat out and just kind of hung out with both of them in the living room. Since she is still kind of infringing on the boundaries Smog wants, I played with her to distract her from going after him, and Smog just kind of watched (I also tried to give him attention intermittently). I had them both out for probably half an hour, so I was happy about that. Eventually she kind of chased Smog again and he hid, though, so I didn't let it escalate and put her back in the room. Honestly, Smog isn't warming up to her very fast. He's very suspicious and does not like when she tries to bat at him to play or follows him when he's trying to leave. But he is seeming less scared, and I am really happy about the fact they were able to be in the same room for about half an hour tonight, even though I kind of had to distract her to keep her from getting in Smog's space. At least it let him watch her and kind of get more used to her.

I have also read that it really varies how long this process takes, so I wouldn't feel like you have to do things in a certain amount of time. Just see how the cats are doing and try to judge by that. Something that is an obstacle for me is that, since the new kitty is the one confined to the bedroom most of the time, she can get kind of antsy and have pent up energy, even though I am trying to make time to visit her and play with her. That is contributing to her being too much in Smog's face I think, and too much in mine sometimes lol - she kind of crawls up to my face and tries to grab / play with my hair and stuff, so I'm trying to discourage that. But I think once I have her out more often that kind of attention-seeking behaviour will hopefully fade a bit.

I know how stressful it can all be. Try to remember that it does just take time for both you and the kitties to adjust - I'm trying to remember that. And try to go with your gut about when to move on to a new step. I hope it all works out okay and that Penny comes around! I have no doubt that she won't stop loving you, even if she's scared right now!

 

[Elfilou]

Thanks for sharing! That already makes me less nervous for the introduction I'll have to go through next year. Since you said she was getting antsy, I suggest to maybe site swap for an hour before letting them be together? Is that an idea? That way you have an hour or whatever to tire out the new girl with playing and exploring - maybe even give her some food (cats get tired after food usually!). And then supervise the visit when she's tired?

 

[Minxrat]

I had no choice when introducing Milo to Poppy as I don't have any separate rooms to introduce. So, Poppy went to Milo's home twice to meet him and he came to ours.

I then picked him up last Saturday and spent the day with the two, monitoring them. There was hissing and growling from both sides but nothing bad.

Sunday there was whacking (mainly from him!) but again nothing bad.

Monday we progressed to chasing each other and wrestling.

Last night we finally got to the point where they slept next to each other on the bed, which delighted me. During other nights if he got too close then she would get down and come back later. I've been half awake trying to monitor him, so he's getting in the habit of sleeping on my feet. Poppy is still wary and unfortunately has stopped nudging me for a cuddle during the night, but I think it is because he is nearby. Hopefully once she's relaxed a bit more she'll start it again.

It's so lovely to see her being stimulated and not just waiting for me to entertain her. I went home unexpectedly yesterday lunchtime and they were playing, which is fab.

I think I had an easy experience of introductions, helped by the six month age gap.

Good luck!

 

[bells85]

I had no choice when introducing Milo to Poppy as I don't have any separate rooms to introduce. So, Poppy went to Milo's home twice to meet him and he came to ours.

I then picked him up last Saturday and spent the day with the two, monitoring them. There was hissing and growling from both sides but nothing bad.

Sunday there was whacking (mainly from him!) but again nothing bad.

Monday we progressed to chasing each other and wrestling.

Last night we finally got to the point where they slept next to each other on the bed, which delighted me. During other nights if he got too clos then she would get down and come back later. I've been half awake trying to monitor him, so he's getting in the habit of sleeping on my feet. Poppy is still wary and unfortunately has stopped nudging me for a cuddle during the night, but I think it is because he is nearby. Hopefully once she's relaxed a bit more she'll start it again.

It's so lovely to see her being stimulated and not just waiting for me to entertain her. I went home unexpectedly yesterday lunchtime and they were playing, which is fab.

I think I had an easy experience of introductions, helped by the six month age gap.

Good luck!

Were you afraid one was going to hurt the other? Mine are about a year apart. I am afraid Penny the older one will be too rough with Penelope. I will be on day 4 and like you there was minimal getting used to smell. Penny is really curious and coming out of the living room now and kind of looking for the baby but once she sees her she runs up to her and hisses. The baby is scared. IT is nice that you guys are sleeping in the same bed together!!! We are still separate one on the couch and the other in the bed!

 

[Minxrat]

No I was worried that Poppy would be upset with a new arrival. She's much bigger but he's much faster. After being with them for a few days I knew she wouldn't hurt him. When they wrestle, she stops if he cries out.

Milo hissed back at Poppy when she first hissed at him and I think that was a good thing as she was quite surprised. She's such a good girl and I think she realises I'm only helping her. I do apologise to her for bringing such a bouncy boy in sometimes .

Can you swap blankets they've slept on? I did that when taking Poppy to Milo's old home. Kittens are quite resilient - Penelope maybe just needs the chance to hiss back. Maybe I'm lucky due to the female/male age difference?

As for the bed - Poppy chose to sleep with me straight away, which is lovely, and Milo also jumped on the bed the first night. He's more of a fidget though!! I do tend to go upstairs early-ish as its warmer, so they just play or eat and then get on and off the bed.

Treats help as when Poppy is lying on the floor in the evening, I entice her up with treats and then after the third time she will stay on there so maybe you could try with the treats? Give them treats together?

 

[cylon.descendant]

A little further along in the process now, and no regret . The cats are already buddies and have been playing and chasing each other around. And they even groomed each other while both were cuddled on me... I was in heaven!

View media item 420278

 

[Elfilou]

This melts my heart I am so happy for them and for you! They're gorgeous btw!

 

[auntie]

Great news, great picture! This totally gives me hope for the future
Your cats are beautiful