Advice Appreciated...

[Kopanova]

So... I need some new advice.

However, it's not for the cat. Some of you know I recently got my new Highlander Lynx Girl, Vitanni. (There she is Below).

She and I are bonding slowly. It's been 3 weeks I believe? And (at least with me) she's blooming BEAUTIFULLY! We have a schedule. We get up at a certain time, get fed, lounge around the room and watch Indiana Jones (haven't found her favorite yet but the boys love watching that movie) her and the boys have bonded without a hitch. They love playing, and cuddling and they have really become a key part in her understanding she is safe.

Now we get to the part where I need the advice. It's my Boyfriend.

She is... well to put it bluntly TERRIFIED of him. He tries very very hard to show her that she doesn't need to be afraid. Gives her treats, plays with her, sits quietly and tries to patiently wait for her... but he's also rather... pushy.
He enjoys holding her and he wants her to know she is his little princess, but no matter how hard I try to remind him that HER personality ISNT like the boys, it's like he doesn't want to listen. I keep trying to tell him 'Don't pick her up, Don't pursue her, Let her come to you Don't move so quickly, Try not to get excited, IGNORE HER AND LET HER COME TO YOU,' but nothing I say he will listen to. Since Day 1 he has pushed her boundaries, she has scratched him SEVERAL times, to the point I had to clip her claws so she wasn't gauging out his skin everytime she scratches him. (DONT MISUNDERSTAND I WOULD NEVER EVER DECLAW MY BABIES) But I'm at a loss at what to do. She will let me pet her, and she has even slept next to my side when he isn't home, but when he is she hides, and constantly tries to escape from him and it's just... I don't know what to do to convince him to stop. I know he loves her and I know he wants to be part of her life but he just doesn't get that he's pushing her to hard and to fast. How do I get him to understand that everytime he pushes her boundaries and makes her scratch him he takes 10 steps back from what little trust she STARTS to build with him?

 

[di and bob]

Tell him exactly what you have written here, or ask him to read it. Men are big and loud with deep voices and aggressive to a cat. MANY cats are terrified of men. He has to have patience, sitting quietly, talking softly to her and leaving treats. Have him pick up and cuddle the boys in front of her, she will see that and understand he is not hurting them. MAYBE eventually she will get used to him, but somehow I doubt it. She will learn to hide when he comes in if he continues what he is doing.

 

[FeebysOwner]

I agree with the above and with what you are telling him. If he doesn't listen, there is not much you can do other than to give her a safe room to spend her time in while he is present - assuming he doesn't live there. I hope - for her sake - he doesn't.

He is in the process of ruining any chance down the road for a better relationship than he has with her right now. If he doesn't understand and won't follow your advice, then he is sadly mistaken.

What about friends/family/visitors - can they or do they also tell him what you've been telling him? If not, maybe they should start. Perhaps if he hears it from multiple sources, it will sink in.

I don't know if he will listen to anyone, including us, but here are some TCS articles that maybe he would entertain as guidelines he can utilize.
14 Cat Experts Reveal - How To Get A Cat To Like Me - TheCatSite
16 Top Cat Experts Share Tips For Dealing With Timid Cats - TheCatSite

 

[Kopanova]

I agree with the above and with what you are telling him. If he doesn't listen, there is not much you can do other than to give her a safe room to spend her time in while he is present - assuming he doesn't live there. I hope - for her sake - he doesn't.

He is in the process of ruining any chance down the road for a better relationship than he has with her right now. If he doesn't understand and won't follow your advice, then he is sadly mistaken.

What about friends/family/visitors - can they or do they also tell him what you've been telling him? If not, maybe they should start. Perhaps if he hears it from multiple sources, it will sink in.

I don't know if he will listen to anyone, including us, but here are some TCS articles that maybe he would entertain as guidelines he can utilize.
14 Cat Experts Reveal - How To Get A Cat To Like Me - TheCatSite
16 Top Cat Experts Share Tips For Dealing With Timid Cats - TheCatSite

No she's terrified of people in general. She accepts me and the boys and slowly getting accustomed to my 6 year old German Shepherd female. However, he does live here, so I just try to give her as many hiding places as I can and when he's not around, I usually let her and the boys kind of "take over" the house to run and play and let her develop that confidence without other humans around.

What I have come to slowly realize about her since she is almost a year old, and the boys are only 6 months is that she really has NOT had any socialization work done with her in regards to humans so I just basically have to do what I can with what I have.

 

[Alldara]

You'll need to be strict with your boyfriend! Tell him the truth, she might never come around to him if he doesnt force himself to have patience.

Also beware. He lives there, he could arrange to have her declawed without your knowledge. I've had friends who their boyfriends/roommates/family members did this. Ensure you tell him what declawing is (amputation to the knuckle) and that she will likely just bite him instead then. Most declawed cats bite. They have no other options.

Ask him if someone constantly pushing his limits would make him love them? Trust them?

He must go slow if he wants to see the beautiful personality she has unfold.

 

[Kopanova]

You'll need to be strict with your boyfriend! Tell him the truth, she might never come around to him if he doesnt force himself to have patience.

Also beware. He lives there, he could arrange to have her declawed without your knowledge. I've had friends who their boyfriends/roommates/family members did this. Ensure you tell him what declawing is (amputation to the knuckle) and that she will likely just bite him instead then. Most declawed cats bite. They have no other options.

Ask him if someone constantly pushing his limits would make him love them? Trust them?

He must go slow if he wants to see the beautiful personality she has unfold.

My boyfriend would never declaw her. He loves the animals, and He would have me, his sisters, his mom and pretty much every other member in his family on him like white on rice if he EVER did something so cruel.

 

[Robyn5678]

This may be an unpopular opinion but I’d reconsider the relationship.

If you’ve asked him repeatedly not to do things and he still is, he isn’t respecting you or the cats boundaries and that’s not someone I could be long term with. It’s not a lot to ask to ignore the cat and let her come around on her terms. I’d scratch him too.

 

[Alldara]

My boyfriend would never declaw her. He loves the animals, and He would have me, his sisters, his mom and pretty much every other member in his family on him like white on rice if he EVER did something so cruel.

Well, he needs to respect her (the cat) and you! Youve asked him to go slow and change how he is with her. He's an adult.

 

[Caspers Human]

I don't know... Try reverse psychology on him.

Tell him to "punish" the cat by completely ignoring her. When she decides to "behave" she can have attention from him.

Yes, the usual way to treat a skittish cat is to leave the cat alone until she calms down. In this case, just flip the wording around, from cat-centric to human-centric. Many people think in terms of the cat's behavior toward the human but I believe that we need to think in terms of our behavior toward the cat. A slight turn of phrase might reframe the question in an easier way to understand.

"When the cat 'decides' to be friendly to ME then she can have the attention she wants but, if she's just going to be a little, fraidy cat, she can just go somewhere else."

 

[Biomehanika]

Agree with Robyn5678 … no offence OP, but this sounds like a problem someone would typically have with their toddler or young child, not their grown adult boyfriend/partner. If I were you I would bluntly make that comparison when addressing the issue with him, it’ll hurt his ego a bit but might help him see the light a bit too.

Is it possible you aren’t addressing the issue as seriously as you could be with him in fear of offending him and he therefore isn’t taking it as seriously as he should when you tell him these things? So maybe he thinks it’s not such a big deal because you’re trying to be nice/lighthearted about it? If he truly loves animals he should know they are all different and that the only way you establish a trusting loving relationship with them is by respecting their boundaries and letting them advance the relationship on their terms. Especially when it comes to cats. Many cats hate being picked up and feeling restrained regardless of how much they love you. My cats have always been cuddle bugs but only on their terms, they hate being picked up/feeling restrained so it’s just something I never ever do with them unless totally necessary, AKA I need to move them somewhere or give them medication, ect.

Having a cat who is human-social enough to confidently approach people/love on people in general who are not their trusted/bonded owner is rare. My boy came from a cat cafe, he was there for five+ months so was exposed to all kinds of different people on the daily, and is still absolutely terrified of anyone who isn’t me. It is just their nature in a lot of cases and not necessarily a socialization issue, sometimes no amount of exposure to people will change that about them, which is why building trust with their permanent people on their terms is so important. Three weeks is also not a lot of time at all for a cat to adjust to a new home/people. She is still going to be on edge in the new environment as she establishes her new territory, gets familiar with the other cats, and even with you despite you doing everything right to earn her trust personally, so it’s no wonder she’s so scared of him, she’s had barely any time in the grand scheme of things to not only feel familiar and settled and take everything in, but feel safe too.