Adoption regret and severe anxiety

[skittlecat]

I am a new college graduate, just moved across the country for a job in October and have always wanted a cat of my own after growing up with them. I adopted a 3 year old male cat about 4 days ago, and they have been some of the longest days of my life- it feels more like weeks.

I didn’t get to spend much time with him before adopting and as soon as I went to pick him up I started feeling like something was wrong, but I brought him back to my apartment and he immediately explored and made himself at home. I FaceTimed my family to show him off and I thought I was just having a bit of anxiety until an hour later I was having a full blown meltdown, just sobbing and hyperventilating.

So of course once I calmed down a bit I took to the internet and saw that post-adoption anxiety is fairly common. At this point I have read just about every post and article on the internet about this and very few have brought me any comfort. Most people with this have kittens or cats with behavioral issues but this cat is literally an angel. He is calm and cuddly and affectionate and sleeps on my bed at night. He seems to have a bit of a cold from being at the shelter but is eating and drinking well and using the litter box. I don’t find myself worrying about whether I can take care or him or if he’s ok but I find just his presence to almost be too much. I feel anxious and sad when I look at him and stressed when he tries to sit on my lap.

The day after I brought him home I was basically in constant panic breakdown mode and could hardly function. I was giving myself headaches and stomachaches and breaking down sobbing all the time. The next day was the same and so I emailed the lady in charge of adoptions telling her a bit about the situation because I didn’t know what to do. She had the cat’s previous foster mom contact me and we talked for a few minutes and she asked me to give it a few weeks and that I should forgive myself for feeling some anxiety. I felt a little better after that but an hour or two later I felt not anxious but just numb and depressed. I sat on the couch and sort of watched a show until I fell asleep with the cat laying on the other end of the couch.

That brings us to yesterday where I spend the first half of the day feeling incredibly depressed and very out of it. I had barely eaten since I got the cat, so I was feeling kind of weak. I had a heavy feeling in my chest and started getting chest pains. I think I even began to dissociate for a time and I could not focus on anything. I have not been able to get things done that I really need to for work. When it was time to leave work I started feeling anxiety in my stomach again and when I got home and saw the cat I locked myself in my room and laid down for an hour. Even thinking about just getting though the weekend felt impossible.

Then I made myself go to the couch and let him sit on my lap and I called my mom. She thinks that I should return him because I seem to be having an extreme and disproportionate reaction to the cat. I kind of agree but every post online says to give it time. I talked to my friends and my sister too and now I’m posting here, and I know that no one else can decide this for me, but I think I’m just looking for as many perspectives as I can get. After talking with my mom yesterday I kind of made up my mind to give the cat back because I felt I couldn’t bear it any longer and immediately felt some relief, though I felt sad at the idea. A few hours later I began to second guess myself again and became distressed.

This morning I feel calmer but sad and indecisive. I thought I was ready for a cat, but I am unsure what my future looks like for the next few years and I think adding the cat to that is maybe part of my stress. He came from a small shelter and the people running it seem very caring and he’s a very easy going cat who likes everyone so I think he would be ok if I did return him. Of course I adopted him with the intention of keeping him and it feels wrong to return him, but I also want him to live a happy life with someone who can give him all the attention and love he needs and deserves. I’ve been forcing myself to give him attention and hold him but it’s been hard for some reason. Since the beginning it’s been hard to put my finger on why I’m feeling like this. I’m also scared of never finding a cat like him again even though I know there are so many amazing cats out there and that I won’t be able to adopt again if I do this. I have been volunteering at a PetSmart taking care of cats so if I did return him I would probably just keep doing that and not try to adopt again for a while and also go see a therapist to try and figure out why I had this reaction. It seems like it could be the right cat at the wrong time kind of thing but then I feel sad and guilty thinking about returning him. I do like him and he’s very cute, but the anxiety is making it hard for me to enjoy him and bond with him. I think I could get through it eventually but I have no idea how long it would take and the thought of continuing to feel like this is overwhelming.

I don’t know if it’s fair to the cat to keep him when I’m like this. I haven’t even been able to bring myself to call him by a name yet. I know it’s only been four days which I know is no time at all, I’ve just really been struggling and it feels like it will never end and I don’t know how long I can last. Sorry for so much info, I’m starting to cry just reading back through this and any thoughts or support would be helpful.

 

[catmom2wires]

I doubt it’s the cat that is causing the reaction. He just was the catalyst, no pun intended. You have had major life changes, and are on your own in a pandemic. It’s a lot.

I encourage you to let your cat help you. They really are wonderful and He sounds extra special. Give it time. You will figure out all the details as you need.

 

[Babypaws]

I doubt it’s the cat that is causing the reaction. He just was the catalyst, no pun intended. You have had major life changes, and are on your own in a pandemic. It’s a lot.

I encourage you to let your cat help you. They really are wonderful and He sounds extra special. Give it time. You will figure out all the details as you need.

I fully agree. I was wondering how Skittlecat’s emotions were before adopting the cat? (New job/new location etc) When I first started reading your (skittlecat) message I thought you were beginning to say how bad the adopted cat was acting but see it was just the opposite. Sorry, I don’t understand why you feel the way you do, sounds like the cat is happy and very lovable…it takes time to adjust, maybe you’ve decided you don’t want the responsibility. If you decide not to keep him please find a good home for him in case you can’t return him to shelter, he deserves it

 

[denice]

I agree, I think this has to do with all of the other life changes. Have you considered talking to a doctor or counselor to get help with the anxiety? It is normal for there to be a little settling in for both the human and the cat, but this seems very extreme.

 

[skittlecat]

Thank you all for your replies, catmom2wires, Babypaws, and denice. I agree that the cat is not the ultimate cause of my reaction and I actually wanted a cat in part because they’ve always helped me when I’m stressed. I did have some problems with anxiety and depression during my second year of college and went on antidepressants for a while. Since then I’ve had a bit of anxiety but very manageable and it was mainly related to work. After moving I felt like I adjusted pretty well. I felt down occasionally but overall everything felt like it was going well. I already had a doctors appointment scheduled for next week so I’m planning to talk to her about it and hopefully get into therapy.

 

[KittyFriday]

Therapy is good.

I've never really felt this way over a cat, but when I got my dog I had major puppy blues. I already struggle with anxiety and depression, and on top of what is normal when bringing a new animal home, my boy had a lot of behavioral issues that I was having to cope with. It was a really dark time, but I got through it and can't imagine life without him now. It really does get better.

 

[Danneq]

Regardless of what you do with the cat, you should speak to a therapist. This is not a normal reaction (it sounds far more extreme than typical post-adoption anxiety). I also highly recommend that you start by speaking with your GP about an anti-anxiety medication. They can either prescribe a temporary medication or refer you to a psychiatrist. Your cat can actually help you through this, but you might temporarily need something to help you get over the immediate anxiety so you can concentrate on bonding with him and letting him help you. There's no shame in that. What is his name?

 

[neely]

already had a doctors appointment scheduled for next week so I’m planning to talk to her about it and hopefully get into therapy.

I think that's a wise move. Good for you for recognizing it and taking the appropriate next steps to help yourself. I believe in fate and from your description of the new cat it sounds like he is the perfect companion for you, i.e. affectionate, not overly demanding and good natured. The fact that he sleeps with you and enjoys your company is a good sign. With any new animal it takes time and patience so it's only normal for you to feel anxious. Even though you mentioned being adjusted to your recent move and new work position it's still a transition and although you may have adopted the cat too soon I think he could end up helping you with your anxiety and depression. Cats are very intuitive and pretty darn smart.

If you're up to it we'd love to see a pic of your new cat. Best of luck! Please feel free to post updates, we are not judgmental but rather a supportive and caring community.

 

[vince]

You seem to be doing a bit better already, but I think your doctor appointment is a good idea.

I had real anxiety problems after I graduated from college, too. You've had a lot of changes in your life recently and that can cause severe anxiety. The cat might have been the tipping point. Don't make a decision just now, but wait until you have seen the doctor.

I take a SSRI for depression and have for years, but I still needed something extra when I retired, and that's when I took in a cat after a long hiatus. I needed something to care for. The doctor agreed with me, but I was very scared of doing that, even if it was my idea. Eventually turned out to be probably the best thing I could have done.

 

[catmom2wires]

Maybe the cat adoption was the exclamation mark at the end of “I am now an adult!” and it scares the crap out of you. My daughter is 24 and has anxiety and depression issues as well. Sometimes she just can’t enjoy the great parts of her life because of that. Perhaps if you can reframe it in your mind as “This is a symptom” without having to pin it to any one thing, it will help.

 

[ashisburning]

I am a new college graduate, just moved across the country for a job in October and have always wanted a cat of my own after growing up with them. I adopted a 3 year old male cat about 4 days ago, and they have been some of the longest days of my life- it feels more like weeks.

I didn’t get to spend much time with him before adopting and as soon as I went to pick him up I started feeling like something was wrong, but I brought him back to my apartment and he immediately explored and made himself at home. I FaceTimed my family to show him off and I thought I was just having a bit of anxiety until an hour later I was having a full blown meltdown, just sobbing and hyperventilating.

So of course once I calmed down a bit I took to the internet and saw that post-adoption anxiety is fairly common. At this point I have read just about every post and article on the internet about this and very few have brought me any comfort. Most people with this have kittens or cats with behavioral issues but this cat is literally an angel. He is calm and cuddly and affectionate and sleeps on my bed at night. He seems to have a bit of a cold from being at the shelter but is eating and drinking well and using the litter box. I don’t find myself worrying about whether I can take care or him or if he’s ok but I find just his presence to almost be too much. I feel anxious and sad when I look at him and stressed when he tries to sit on my lap.

The day after I brought him home I was basically in constant panic breakdown mode and could hardly function. I was giving myself headaches and stomachaches and breaking down sobbing all the time. The next day was the same and so I emailed the lady in charge of adoptions telling her a bit about the situation because I didn’t know what to do. She had the cat’s previous foster mom contact me and we talked for a few minutes and she asked me to give it a few weeks and that I should forgive myself for feeling some anxiety. I felt a little better after that but an hour or two later I felt not anxious but just numb and depressed. I sat on the couch and sort of watched a show until I fell asleep with the cat laying on the other end of the couch.

That brings us to yesterday where I spend the first half of the day feeling incredibly depressed and very out of it. I had barely eaten since I got the cat, so I was feeling kind of weak. I had a heavy feeling in my chest and started getting chest pains. I think I even began to dissociate for a time and I could not focus on anything. I have not been able to get things done that I really need to for work. When it was time to leave work I started feeling anxiety in my stomach again and when I got home and saw the cat I locked myself in my room and laid down for an hour. Even thinking about just getting though the weekend felt impossible.

Then I made myself go to the couch and let him sit on my lap and I called my mom. She thinks that I should return him because I seem to be having an extreme and disproportionate reaction to the cat. I kind of agree but every post online says to give it time. I talked to my friends and my sister too and now I’m posting here, and I know that no one else can decide this for me, but I think I’m just looking for as many perspectives as I can get. After talking with my mom yesterday I kind of made up my mind to give the cat back because I felt I couldn’t bear it any longer and immediately felt some relief, though I felt sad at the idea. A few hours later I began to second guess myself again and became distressed.

This morning I feel calmer but sad and indecisive. I thought I was ready for a cat, but I am unsure what my future looks like for the next few years and I think adding the cat to that is maybe part of my stress. He came from a small shelter and the people running it seem very caring and he’s a very easy going cat who likes everyone so I think he would be ok if I did return him. Of course I adopted him with the intention of keeping him and it feels wrong to return him, but I also want him to live a happy life with someone who can give him all the attention and love he needs and deserves. I’ve been forcing myself to give him attention and hold him but it’s been hard for some reason. Since the beginning it’s been hard to put my finger on why I’m feeling like this. I’m also scared of never finding a cat like him again even though I know there are so many amazing cats out there and that I won’t be able to adopt again if I do this. I have been volunteering at a PetSmart taking care of cats so if I did return him I would probably just keep doing that and not try to adopt again for a while and also go see a therapist to try and figure out why I had this reaction. It seems like it could be the right cat at the wrong time kind of thing but then I feel sad and guilty thinking about returning him. I do like him and he’s very cute, but the anxiety is making it hard for me to enjoy him and bond with him. I think I could get through it eventually but I have no idea how long it would take and the thought of continuing to feel like this is overwhelming.

I don’t know if it’s fair to the cat to keep him when I’m like this. I haven’t even been able to bring myself to call him by a name yet. I know it’s only been four days which I know is no time at all, I’ve just really been struggling and it feels like it will never end and I don’t know how long I can last. Sorry for so much info, I’m starting to cry just reading back through this and any thoughts or support would be helpful.

Hi,

I'm currently a college student and I just adopted a 2 month old kitten. I've been dealing with so much anxiety and dissociation from it and I truly related to your post. I was wondering if you ended up keeping your kitty and if not, how did you overcome these feelings?

Currently on day three and I feel very scared of the commitment I have made.