After my Midnight died (Nov. 12), I started volunteering with a no-kill shelter. Yes, I loved several of those cats, but I never had a desire to take any home. This shelter's model is to take animal's from the kill-list (24 hour notice or less) and bring them to their shelter. Because they're in a temporary location, they don't have the medical facilities, or permanent animal care facilities for some cases, so those go to partner shelters in other cities. Sometimes, those partners take healthy animals, too. I was saying "goodbye" to some of the ones getting ready to transport out the next day one night, and one kept crying for me as I passed, and I finally cried for him (my first time crying at the shelter). I knew it was too soon after Midnight's death for me to adopt another cat. I walked away. But I couldn't get him off my mind. I went back the next evening, and lo and behold, the transport had been delayed. He woke from a dead sleep, ran to the front of his cage to greet me...
Novel aside, I signed the adoption papers and took him home. This poor boy cat is practically perfect from an adopter's standpoint, and I didn't understand why no one snapped him up sooner. He's dodged the URI bullet and appears perfectly healthy, he's affectionate, he had to be told that it was ok to get on the furniture... He even LIKES to have his belly rubbed. There are just two problems. The first is that I really, really am not ready. I'm overcome by guilt, yeah, but the bigger part is that I just want to be alone to cry about Midnight in peace.
The other thing, perhaps the more important thing, is that he is a major cuddler. He is glued to me from the moment I come to see him (when he was in his "isolation room"/"study", which is slowly expanding to the rest of the apartment, my bedroom now inclusive). If I part away from him, he starts crying. If he goes to use the litterbox and I don't follow him, he cries for me until I come into the same room. He wants to be held, petted, touched, every waking moment. He doesn't even have much interest in playing (and he's 9 months old... practically still a kitten!) or treats.
Right now, I'm in a lull at work, where I'm only working 8 hour days, but there's a big project coming up where I'll be ramping up to much longer hours, and he'll be alone most of the time. I could make some sacrifices for Midnight, whom I was deeply devoted to, but this cat and I aren't bonded to each other at all. (I tested this theory this weekend by having friends over... he gladly cuddled with any of them, just so long as /someone/ held him).
This is further complicated by me starting to have anxiety attacks, partly from the guilt of how Midnight died, from feeling like I "replaced" her, partly because some of the little guy's sounds are very similar to hers (He didn't start really "talking" to me until two or three days in), and partly because he's not eating as much in the past two days as he did at the shelter or as he did in the first three days he was here (it's been five days since I brought him home, his appointment with the vet is tomorrow).
So... My options at this point are to stay the course, keep going with the poor guy and hope a bond develops... or contact the shelter, let them know that it isn't working out, and offer to write a bio/take pictures and post him as a "foster" until he's adopted... which could get to be just as messy if I either get attached or continue to have these anxiety attacks. I know he freaks out and runs when I have the stereotypical/sobbing-and-hyperventilating panic attacks, which has got to suck for him. Before adopting him, I'd already talked to the foster coordinator about "eventually" taking some cats for foster (specifically the ones who were most nervous in the shelter), so we've been in contact.
I really think the little guy needs to be with a family, or someplace with more activity and "touchy-feely" love for him, because he was Mr. Social Butterfly when I had company over and now that we're alone he seems kind of... sullen, but still needing to have constant contact, and I just can't provide it to him. I also, selfishly, want to be alone for a while longer.
Does anyone have any advice? Anyone been here before, either where they adopted "too soon" or adopted a cat they felt would be a better fit with someone else? (Again, to be clear, this cat has precisely 0 behavioral problems, except for being a cuddle-monster. I'm also not going to be returning him to the shelter, since they are full up, and since I'd already agreed to foster at some point... might as foster this guy until he's adopted, if I don't keep him)
Novel aside, I signed the adoption papers and took him home. This poor boy cat is practically perfect from an adopter's standpoint, and I didn't understand why no one snapped him up sooner. He's dodged the URI bullet and appears perfectly healthy, he's affectionate, he had to be told that it was ok to get on the furniture... He even LIKES to have his belly rubbed. There are just two problems. The first is that I really, really am not ready. I'm overcome by guilt, yeah, but the bigger part is that I just want to be alone to cry about Midnight in peace.
The other thing, perhaps the more important thing, is that he is a major cuddler. He is glued to me from the moment I come to see him (when he was in his "isolation room"/"study", which is slowly expanding to the rest of the apartment, my bedroom now inclusive). If I part away from him, he starts crying. If he goes to use the litterbox and I don't follow him, he cries for me until I come into the same room. He wants to be held, petted, touched, every waking moment. He doesn't even have much interest in playing (and he's 9 months old... practically still a kitten!) or treats.
Right now, I'm in a lull at work, where I'm only working 8 hour days, but there's a big project coming up where I'll be ramping up to much longer hours, and he'll be alone most of the time. I could make some sacrifices for Midnight, whom I was deeply devoted to, but this cat and I aren't bonded to each other at all. (I tested this theory this weekend by having friends over... he gladly cuddled with any of them, just so long as /someone/ held him).
This is further complicated by me starting to have anxiety attacks, partly from the guilt of how Midnight died, from feeling like I "replaced" her, partly because some of the little guy's sounds are very similar to hers (He didn't start really "talking" to me until two or three days in), and partly because he's not eating as much in the past two days as he did at the shelter or as he did in the first three days he was here (it's been five days since I brought him home, his appointment with the vet is tomorrow).
So... My options at this point are to stay the course, keep going with the poor guy and hope a bond develops... or contact the shelter, let them know that it isn't working out, and offer to write a bio/take pictures and post him as a "foster" until he's adopted... which could get to be just as messy if I either get attached or continue to have these anxiety attacks. I know he freaks out and runs when I have the stereotypical/sobbing-and-hyperventilating panic attacks, which has got to suck for him. Before adopting him, I'd already talked to the foster coordinator about "eventually" taking some cats for foster (specifically the ones who were most nervous in the shelter), so we've been in contact.
I really think the little guy needs to be with a family, or someplace with more activity and "touchy-feely" love for him, because he was Mr. Social Butterfly when I had company over and now that we're alone he seems kind of... sullen, but still needing to have constant contact, and I just can't provide it to him. I also, selfishly, want to be alone for a while longer.
Does anyone have any advice? Anyone been here before, either where they adopted "too soon" or adopted a cat they felt would be a better fit with someone else? (Again, to be clear, this cat has precisely 0 behavioral problems, except for being a cuddle-monster. I'm also not going to be returning him to the shelter, since they are full up, and since I'd already agreed to foster at some point... might as foster this guy until he's adopted, if I don't keep him)
Midnight would want it that way! Trust me!
You have nothing to feel guilty about, and you are not betraying her or her memory by bringing this guy into your life. It's natural that you're still grieving, but sometimes having new life in the house can be helpful..and even comforting 
Of course you don't feel bonded to your new cat yet - that takes time, and it's hard to bond with a cat when you're grieving so deeply for another. I get the impression that Midnight was your soul-mate kitty, and relationships that close come along very rarely (I've had cats, dogs and horses all my life, and have only had that ultra special connection with maybe 2 or 3 out of 19 in total), so you may never feel the same depth of bond that you and Midnight shared. That doesn't mean that you won't bond with and love this new guy, or that he won't bond with or love you. It may just be a different kind of relationship and love.
Congratulations on your kitten, too. I know that Hank, the YA cat I picked up, is a cuddle-fiend, and I have to admit, it's nice to hold him, and pet him, and hear him purr. I know, ever and always, that he isn't Midnight, but the companionship is nice. It even feels a bit like I'm using him, which adds to the guilt-pile that's building. 
