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A friend has asked for my advice
- Thread starter bnwalker2
- Start Date
I have to ask is there a special reason she is not working?
She's still technically 'single' even though she's living with him. Yet he is supporting her while she stays at home to clean and look after the dog. Neither are a full time job. It's not like there are kids in the picture.
Personally I see no reason for her not to be working.
On the subject of him not wanting to get married until they can afford to buy a house. Well, that's his perogative. He also sounds tired of supporting a lazy girl friend. Yes, she keeps the apartment clean, but like I said, it doesn't take 8 hours every single day to keep an apartment clean and to look after the dog.
She needs to start pulling her own weight in the relationship and contributing financially. Cost of living is rising and one income doesn't go as far as it used to, especially if you want more than just the basics and not having to livie pay cheque to pay cheque.
My advice is for her to get off her butt and go and get a job and regain some of her independence and also show him that she can contribute financially to the relationship so that they can actually better their financial position and prosper
It will also give her some spending money and a sense of pride in not having to ask for money like she's a little kid living at home.
She's still technically 'single' even though she's living with him. Yet he is supporting her while she stays at home to clean and look after the dog. Neither are a full time job. It's not like there are kids in the picture.
Personally I see no reason for her not to be working.
On the subject of him not wanting to get married until they can afford to buy a house. Well, that's his perogative. He also sounds tired of supporting a lazy girl friend. Yes, she keeps the apartment clean, but like I said, it doesn't take 8 hours every single day to keep an apartment clean and to look after the dog.
She needs to start pulling her own weight in the relationship and contributing financially. Cost of living is rising and one income doesn't go as far as it used to, especially if you want more than just the basics and not having to livie pay cheque to pay cheque.
My advice is for her to get off her butt and go and get a job and regain some of her independence and also show him that she can contribute financially to the relationship so that they can actually better their financial position and prosper
It will also give her some spending money and a sense of pride in not having to ask for money like she's a little kid living at home.
My SO did not have a real decent paying job while he was learning his trade and for the first few years we were together, I mostly supported us. Them when he got a good job, he did not want me to work, because I had taken care of us. He is just not making the money he used to, and I now have to get and keep a job. We are about to lose everything now because I lost my job, and he is not making any money at his, since he works strictly off of commission, and it is the time of year he usually has a bad time financially. He spends money like an idiot, but that is a whole other issue. I have been out for days looking for a job, and he goes to work, but makes no money. Does she really want to be my age, nearly 50 and be as stupid as I have, with nothing but a raggedy old truck that I am going to either sell it or live in it? She needs to get off her butt and get a job so if necessary, she can support herself and him if, God forbid, something bad happens. Or if she is young enough and single, she can get student grants and loans that will not only help them financially, but get her an education for a decent paying career instead of just a job. I know this sounds harsh, but it is cold reality that in today's economy, most households need 2 incomes.
I know money should not be an issue, but he sounds like a practical man with a starry eyed little girl that thinks love will fix everything. Coming from someone that loves her man deeply but should have kicked his butt to the curb years ago, love will not pay the rent, electric bill, etc.
I know money should not be an issue, but he sounds like a practical man with a starry eyed little girl that thinks love will fix everything. Coming from someone that loves her man deeply but should have kicked his butt to the curb years ago, love will not pay the rent, electric bill, etc.
I know i would not. Not without a very good reason why.
over all i am going with GingersMom on this.
lets be real love is nice. But money is needed.
without money , there can be alot of added stress
I just have to chime in and say that I, personally, could never allow myself to be totally dependent on anyone like your friend is. I think she has gotten herself into a very sticky predicament. She needs her boyfriend, her boyfriend does not need her. IMO she needs to get a job, at the very least to give herself a means of support if her BF should leave, or she should want to leave her BF.
Rule #1 in my Mom's rules of life: Never depend on anyone but yourself
Rule #1 in my Mom's rules of life: Never depend on anyone but yourself
Um. Well. Maybe the fact that SHE decided for him that he SHOULD have proposed by now, and that the time for marriage is right, was a HUGE red flag for him. Everyone seems to be all over the guy for acting controlling and putting ultimatums on things, but lets be honest: SHE is the one who started with the controlling/ultimatums. If he isnt ready for marriage, maybe this is just his way of stalling. Sounds to me like she didnt bring up the marriage demand in a very nice way, and he wasnt going to then be nice with his very legitimate reasons for thinking they are not ready. Since she assumed he was ok with taking care of everything, she made that mistake too. She should have been making sure for the duration of their relationship that he was ok with this, otherwise she may have just left one of the biggest relationship killers to assumption that she should be taken care of.
I dont know. I actually *cant* see her side. No one should be able to DEMAND marriage. If hes not into it, and thats all SHE cares about, she should leave for both their sakes and stop taking advantage of this man and feeling hurt when he calls her on it. jus mho
- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #27
She never demanded marriage, she hasn't even told him that she thinks they should already be engaged/married, she just told ME that. The subject of marriage apparently came up while watching some news story on the subject and all she said was "It seems like everyone is getting married lately", and then he said what he did.
Also, I asked her why the job situation never came up before and she said not long ago they talked about her getting a job and he said he liked their current situation and liked her being home and keeping the house clean, etc.
Again, this is just one side to the story, I'm just relaying what she has said.
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And only through heresay, I am aware of this, but I call 'em as I see 'em. I read through the OP several times before I posted my reply, so it wasn't a snap judgement at all, it was based on exactly what I read in the OP, and the request was not for gentle opinions only. I gave my honest opinion.
And I don't think I'm the only person that perceived the situation the way I did - I just tend to be extremely direct. Some people find that to be abrasive, I call it just being myself.
People going into marriage - a lifelong commitment in theory - thinking it is all about "love" only is very very foolish IMO.
I think he is being wise (if that is the full story).
I also wonder why he would marry at all at this point since he is getting the benefits of being married without the legal commitment.
Originally Posted by GingersMom
And only through heresay, I am aware of this, but I call 'em as I see 'em. I read through the OP several times before I posted my reply, so it wasn't a snap judgement at all, it was based on exactly what I read in the OP, and the request was not for gentle opinions only. I gave my honest opinion.
And I don't think I'm the only person that perceived the situation the way I did - I just tend to be extremely direct. Some people find that to be abrasive, I call it just being myself.
So what did you tell her?
