Why Does Life have to be this way?

I find myself wondering alot lately. We've been good people....we give when it's needed to others and we just we take in what we can. Over the last year, I got out of the service, I couldn't hold a civilian job to save my life.....I applied for VA benefits knowing that alot of it is service connected...

Here it is 10 months later and the VA has gotten no where with my claim.

DH tries to find work but can't. ((He goes to a job fair on Friday--so prayers and vibes that he gets a job offer there, it's just one company that's hiring like mad).

My non-parents begged us to move to NC with the lure of a good job market and this that and the other thing, DH gets a good job, but it's temp-hire.....he gets injured on the job (sliced open his hand requiring 9 stitches) and loses that job (so we were back at square one).

We needed help with the rent, I ask and am denied....and then the non parents come and take the car they were letting us make payments on and proceed to write a scathing email to us and forward it to everyone on their contact list about how awful 'We' are.

To make matters worse, they put in a call to social services with a false report to shake me up. (((But before that we were making plans to leave NC forever))).

We have to move into my ILs house because we have no where else to go. My MIL can be incoragable.....very moody (worse than me) and won't let us discipline the children in any way. Even undermining everything I say (for example, I tell my daughter I've made Mac and Cheese for lunch, she refuses it and so right before I can ask her what she would like...since I'm cook apparently, my MIL mentions the fruit---so I bite my tongue and give her fruit all the while listening to MIL tell me how nutritious a 'fruit lunch' can be).

I'm at a breaking point....seriously....I can't take much more, I'm trying to cope with everything that's gone on and I don't know how much more I can take.

We are seriously hurting financially. I have can't function well in a working condition because I have such a hard time interacting with adult people....and my DH keeps applying for jobs but with no degree these days (he graduated HS) you can't find anything anymore.

I am just venting I suppose....but it seems like everytime we seem to take a step forward....something or someone pushes us two steps backwards.

I know exactly how you feel. My other half can't hold a job and is considering going into the army ):

Right now I'm working and this month we had to decide if we were going to aet or if we were going to pay all the bills.

Something will come up! I promise. Go to temp agencies! Apply for food stamps, gov't assistance and so forth. DO what you have to do to stay a float. Feel free to PM if you like. i'm in the same boat and would love to offer words of encouragement and tell you our situation. It's always nice to find someone dealing with the same stuff you are.

Best of luck!

I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. I also went through similar things in life. It is extremly hard for you I know. I will send some vibes your way. I hope things get better soon!!

Life can be sooo TOUGH! I've been there, too! Years ago, when my girls were small, there were days when I had to hitchhike to work; times when I didn't eat cuz there wasn't enough for all of us; my stray cats had to hunt for a real meal; when I felt up to dating again, I had to borrow clothes because my only good clothes were uniforms. On top of that, my disabled daughter used to have tantrums, so I would have to pay top dollar for sitters - $6/hr for her alone. then I moved to a ski town, got a great job in a popular dinnerhouse, walked for 2 more years, but saved up enough to buy a new Toyota. Seems I was always juggling bills, payments, rent, pet food, vet bills....
I'm really sorry about your non-parents being so vile I'm sure the recipients of the e-mails find their behavior absolutely SCANDALOUS and have pity for you. As for your MIL, since you are there in her house, I'd see if you could win her over with kindness. even though it's wrong of her to usurp your authority, when those situations occur, you could just agree with her enthusiastically and praise her knowledge & caring to the children.
My MIL can be a real pill, too, and my mother always warns me to, "get along with your suegra [MIL]" because my family thinks it reflects on the rest of my family whether or not I'm a dutiful daughter-in-law. On the whole, my MIL is great, except that she will be deceitful around my husband & FIL, so that I get the blame. Just think, tho, this too shall pass & someday you'll get to be the MIL!!

well life happens? Sometimes i really think if everything went good all the time we would find life boring. But maybe not. I know i would like to find out. The last three years have been a very rough ride.

I have found that i only worry about things i can control.

IE the wife is upset that i am banned from her country for 10 years to life. the court case has been going on for 3 years now trying to get me back in. There is nothing i can do about it, accept what i did. hire a lawyer let them work it out. i had spent my whole life saving on moving there, setting up a business, buying a house etc.. now that i am back in the US her family(
the older ones) keep tellling her that i lied about moving there and living there with her that she should leave me.

there are a few more things going on that is making life not so fun.
the point is I cant control her govt, or what her family says. I dont worry about it. I trying what i can to fix it. that is all i can do.

find your enjoyment in the things that matters. Hugging your loved ones at night when going to sleep, being on a motorcycle on a hot summer night.
a good book to read. A great video game to play. watching and playing with the cat or cats. and also in my case upside down in a airplane.

and just do the best you can on the rest....

That's horrible...I'm sending good vibes your way that things will get better.

Unfortunately that's the way life is...it seems like when it rains it pours. But you learn patience, persistence, and survival techniques.

Check with your local negotiator for the VA. When B was last there we were talking with a guy that had a $60K debt to a hospital that the VA was taking its time paying (B has a similar situation). This guy found out about...crap I can't remember the name of them...I'll look it up...but they basically put the lean on the VA to speed the process up. In a way they're like your union for the VA. This guy said that within 6 months his $60K debt was paid off after 10 years of fighting with the VA to get it paid.

Oh no, I am so sorry your life seems so hard lately. Hopefully things will start looking up for you

Why is it that you can't get a job? Do you have social anxiety?

I would say even a crappy job is better than no job...good luck with everything, I'm sending vibes your way.

I hate to hear that so many of us are in the same boat. I am days away from being evicted, and I have no idea what is going to happen to us if that happens. My rental agent says she will work with me as much as possible, but you can't work with nothing. We both go to work every day, but since we both work on commission, if nobody uses our services, we don't grt paid. I am going back to Behavioral Health for my depression which has really been kicking my butt lately, and hopefully be able to get back in to Vocational Rehab to probably have to train for another job. BTW, ButterflyDream, NC has a good Vocational Rehab program, but you have to have some kind of disability. If you have any kind of mental health issues, that usually counts, but you have to be referred by a Behavioral Health program, which is what NC calls the mental health facilities. They are paid for on a sliding scale, so you can get in for free if you are broke. I hope all of us are in better circumstances soon.

I think it's the ombudsman you mean Lunasmom. Is that right?

ButterflyDream, I think you're doing wonderfully. You have a roof over your head, your children are fed. You are attempting to deal with everything, and not just laying in bed. Your husband wants and is looking for a job instead of just being a bum, you've gotten away from your family who was poisoning you emotionally. I know you're in a hard situation, and it must seem like nothing could possibly be any worse. Just remember someday you'll look back on it from your own comfy house and think about it in a different light, as something you had to do. Nobody can make it on their own in this world, and for right now you need the help of your in-laws. Someday your kids families will need you, and you'll be able to help. I know it's very hard to try to look on the bright side when your brain doesn't want to. But try it just for a minute and see how you feel.

Your mother-in-law is being a pain, maybe you should talk to her openly about how it makes you feel when she overrides you in front of your children. Without being accusatory. She might not realize she's doing it.

I am going to meet with the American Legion today....they are generally a veteran's 'union' when it comes to matters such as this.

As an answer to a question, it's not social anxiety that I have it's Avoidant Personality Disorder.


Avoidant personality disorder (sometimes abbreviated APD or AvPD), or anxious personality disorder, is a personality disorder characterised by a pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, and extreme sensitivity to negative evaluation. People with avoidant personality disorder often consider themselves to be socially inept or personally unappealing, and avoid social interaction for fear of being ridiculed or humiliated.
Avoidant personality disorder usually is first noticed in early adulthood, and is associated with perceived or actual rejection by parent or peers during childhood. Whether the rejection is due to the extreme interpersonal monitoring attributed to people with the disorder is still an open question.

The DSM-IV-TR, a widely used manual for diagnosing mental disorders, defines avoidant personality disorder as a "pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, and hypersensitivity to negative evaluation, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:
avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection
is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked
shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed
is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations
is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy
views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others
is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing

Taken from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidan...ality_disorder

As for my MIL. No none can peacefully talk to her, she blames everything that goes wrong here on me and she is very hard to talk to when she's in one of her moods.

Ok, 1st of all, we need to come up with a way for you to count your blessings daily. Maybe get a small notebook from the dollar store, and each day list the wonderful things that happen to you, or that you feel. You can call it "life's little blessings", and list the things that make you smile, like Pandora was extra cuddly today, she gave me the sweetest kitty bath, or my toddler woke up and got himself dressed all by himself, my daughter ate her lunch--no questions asked! And then really celebrate these small feats... I guarentee it will help the kids too, if you are overly appreciative of their "little things", it may even help their behavior because they want that exaggerated attention. Then at the end of each day, when you crawl into bed, read over your list. Take a minute to stop and be greatful for the wonderful things that you have. And relish in that moment.

Have either of you seen an employment agency? I know they will sign a contract with you to get you work. And although it may be 3 weeks at 1 job then 2 weeks at a different job, at least it's work. My other suggestion for you would be PT waitressing or bartending. Is this something you could do? Cause you could work evenings, where your kids would be in bed, and would only have to be watched for a few hours. Even cocktail waitressing would be ideal, you could work 7-1am or something like that. Not to mention how fast you drop weight running around, and get your body toned. Or how about a daycare? Community centers sometimes have daycares, you'd be able to bring the toddler with you. You would only have to worry about care for your daughter in the summertime... just a few thoughts/suggestions...

The next thing, your MIL. I have dealt with this nightmare for the last 5 years. It will only get as bad as you allow it to. You definately need to address these things with your MIL. But 1st you need to address them w/DH, and make sure you are on the same page, this way she cannot come between you, after all you know the saying "divided we fall". And it needs to be away from the kids. If you allow them not to listen to you now, because she said they can eat fruit, they do it forever, they will get the message clear that they do not have to listen to what you say. And it will haunt you when you guys get back on your feet & get your own place. It will also drive a wedge between you & your kids. Try to talk to her alone, either woman to woman, or if you need your DH there, then make sure you are sitting beside her and he is sitting on another chair... this way she doesn't feel like the 2 of you are ganging up on her, or like her son is on her side (cause u r next to her!) Start with I am greatful for, we are greatful for, you have been a blessing, however, we need you to understand, that while we are greatful, we are raising our children, and we need you to respect that, and NOT come in between that. It is sending mixed messages to the kids, and they cannot understand when they have to listen and when they don't cause gramma said they can have fruit. If she acts surprised, give her an example: it hurt my feelings when I made her mac & cheese, told her she had to eat it, and you underminded my decision by telling her she can eat fruit. When I tell them something we all need to stick to it. The same if you are babysitting and you make a rule (they can play outside after they clean up inside) I will not come home and tell them they can go out anyway. Some people just can't help themselves, and don't realize that they are butting in, and causing a problem. I hope you 2 can nip it in the butt now, before it gets outta hand. Trust me, I know. But my IL's said and I quote: "It doesn't matter what you say, as soon as you leave I'm just gonna go ahead and do whatever I want anyway!" All because I asked that they don't give her soda, cause of sugar & caffeine... she takes meds for being hyper?! duh! Mine are idiots. Hopefully yours will be more caring. And remember that it may take a little while for this to be perfected... and you have to stand your ground in front of the kids and her "grammom said you have to finish your lunch before a popsicle, so no popsicle till your finished" when she sees you are backing her up, hopefully she will try to do the same for you... good luck.

Chant this everyday: "what doesn't break me makes me tougher, everything happens for a reason, God (or whoever you believe in) won't give me anything I cannot handle! I am strong, I can get through this!"

I don't know the job market were you are but their is a hugh demand for OTR truck drivers. One of my BIL -his plant closed and he took training to become a truck drivers. He is employed and once he has one yr of experience the job market becomes wide open. Also welders seem to be in high demand too-that is a tech school trade.
I hope things look up for your family.

I found these Inspiring words that helped me through a tough time and I would like to share them with you. I don't know who wrote this.


Words Of Truth


Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there...to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or help figure out who you are or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be but then you lock eyes with them, you know that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way. and sometimes things happen to you at the time that may seem horrible, painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, willpower or heart. Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. Safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless. The people you meet affect your life. The successes and downfalls that you experience can create who you are, and the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones. If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them because they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart to. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but also because they are teaching you to love and to open your heart and eyes to little things. Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you possibly can, for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will believe in you. Create your own life and then go out and live it.

Originally Posted by Zissou'sMom

I think it's the ombudsman you mean Lunasmom. Is that right?

Click to expand...

I think who Butterfly is going to see is the one...althought I swear the guy said something else. It was 2 months ago and my memory is poor lately.

I'm sure there are many organizations for such issues with the VA.

Good Luck today at the Americal Legion !!

Just a word about your MIL. She is your husbands mother, not yours. Ask him to talk to her about her behaviour, as how she treats you should concern him. If she's really just a moody woman, then I would look into ways to deal with her moodiness and some relaxation practices for you.

~Julia

Originally Posted by jlutgendorf

Just a word about your MIL. She is your husbands mother, not yours. Ask him to talk to her about her behaviour, as how she treats you should concern him. If she's really just a moody woman, then I would look into ways to deal with her moodiness and some relaxation practices for you.

~Julia

Click to expand...

I would have to agree...given your Avoidant Personality Disorder and current depression your MIL doesn't sound healthy for you and in fact she may be making your feelings and health worse for you then better. I understand that given the lack of jobs out there you can't just pack up and move.

Again, I wish you the best of luck today with the American Legion and hopefully they can help you out with the VA sooner than later. Then you can get the proper help and meds for your health.

I'm so sorry all these things are happening to all of you. and <<<vibes>>>

Just a thought.... the people here on this board who reply to your threads and laugh at your jokes are real. They aren't mythical people who are here to try and make you feel better and tell you things you want to hear. They have real thoughts and feelings. You have made many friends here and don't seem to have any trouble interacting with them... They are real friends! If I remember correctly, you recently reached 1000 posts and called yourself a "big talker". For someone who describes themselves as having problems dealing with people, you seem to do a fine job of it here. Try and transfer that energy and confidence outside of the computer, I know you can do it, and you will do just fine Don't be so down on yourself. I have noticed in your posts you have a hard time with that. The first thing you need to work towards is thinking positive thoughts about yourself... if you continue to put yourself down, you tend to believe what you say and it shows in your actions.

Your husband might want to look in to getting work in a Correction Center,Ted (my better half who is 54) got a job in one in Feburary. Starting out at $29.000 a year,in Feb,he will go to $31.000 a year,all the trainng is paid. All meals are free (while working) uniforms,free. ets. and bennies! What state are you in?
you could get a job cleaning motel room's,Most of the time you go in after they leave.

A label given to you by a psychiatrist is not who you are. Now repeat that to yourself until you believe it. A diagnosis using the DSMIV is a classification tool desrcibing what you say might be wrong, and what the doctor observes might be wrong. Then they pick a category that best fits what is going on and use it as a diagnosis. Remember this is a set of symptoms, not an actual thing. Saying you have avoidant personality disorder, is saying you feel a certain way best described by these this set of symptoms. It is not something that you are. It's meant so that your record reflects generally how you feel or act, so if you go on to a new doctor they don't have to start all over again. Why don't you try talking about how you feel instead of what label you've been given? It is helpful shorthand, but it doesn't help you any.

My therapist doesn't even tell people their diagnosis unless you specifically ask for it, because this is what happens. Someone finds out, goes and looks it up in the library or online, and suddenly feels like they have a disease that is insurmountable instead of just the problems they were dealing with beforehand. The biggest mistake I ever made was asking him my diagnosis. I was more upset about that than about what was wrong.