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Feeling Depressed

post #1 of 22
Thread Starter 
I don't know if it's been noticed lately the last couple of days I've been feeling depression setting in, it's a falicy of mine. Well that among many and all the stress around my now ex family situation has caused me great heartache and grief.

I've been able to hold it together to get through the packing and the move and now that we've settled its starting to hit me kinda hard. The last two nights we've sat on the back deck and my husband has held me and comforted me while I've cried uncontrollably.

It's just so hard to explain, just to say that now I know that I will never ever hear my father tell me that he is proud of me because I know he isn't. Cause part of the false DSS report said I was kicked out of the military. I wasn't. I was honorably discharged after 7 years of good hard service and one deployment.

I don't even know why they had to put that in the DSS report except to hit me in the place it would hurt me the most. I have no idea.

And knowing that I will never hear my father tell me he loves me which is no big I suppose since I've never heard it before.

And I will never know when my grandfather passes...because all my family now believes all the lies my mother has told them and they would surely also let them know our location which I can't have.

And it hurts all the things they've said and done. It hurts more than I can put into words. It hurts to know that they hate my husband all for nothing, he is the best thing to ever happen to me and they will never see it because they don't want to see it.

It hurts that they can't understand the love that my daughter and my husband share just because she isn't related to him by blood. Blood doesn't matter, not at all. To him, that's his little girl, to her, that's her daddy.

It hurts that they despise the son we share by biology. The son we had together after we were married a year. They despise our son because he shares my husband's biology.

All of this brings me great grief. I know I should just let it go, I can't help how they are but it hurts me greatly and I just don't know....I don't have words.....I don't know what I feel I don't know what I should feel....

I mean everything that's been done is here:


And I can't hold it all in anymore.
post #2 of 22
Aww hun!! So sorry your feeling so down. Please know that I am here if you want to talk. Chin up please?
post #3 of 22
I don't have words of wisdom to share but I just want you to know I am in a situation kind of the same. My mother hates my husband we have been together for 12 years and have 3 girls. My mother has stated she hates him because he took me away from her and she claims he is abusive. He is nothing but the best for me! My mother is crazy lol she freaked my poor sister out the other day because she said I didnt answer my cell phone which means I am in serious trouble and its my code for needing help! I was at the Dr with my daughter and turned it off!! My sister rushed over here to find all 5 of us sitting around eating popcorn watching a disney movie and having a nice family night! I don't think some parent can let go so they build things up in their heads so much they believe its true! I'm sorry your feeling depressed and if you ever need to vent or cry im here to listen! We can start a my parents are nuts support group lol. Now go love on your hubby and YALL beautiful babies and have a better night! It's a order from a friend!
post #4 of 22
You are grieving hopefully you will find closure through this process of facing all that will never be..can never be simply because they are not the parents you wish they were.
You have suffered such pain and sadness and had such a big upheval.
Try not to think of it as depression but a natural reaction to a difficult situation.
One idea is to write an open letter to your parents. (never to send) just as if you were talking to them. maybe one each. take your time writing it get it all out. no one will read this letter or judge you. let the little girl out to have her say too . keep it safe to re read and shed your tears then one day when you are calm and have no more tears left. burn it and free yourself.
While feeling sad and crying about the issues in hand try to see the light at the end of the tunnel. the good things in life. your kids. your wonderful Husband a warm bed. a clear glass of water. the sunrises you will likely see when you cannot sleep! tasty food. a walk in the sunshine and so on.
Try to keep your sadness to that part of your life and not all of your life.
keep getting out keep making plans try to meet friends at the school gate and arrange play dates for your children.
Love Fay x
post #5 of 22
Thread Starter 
Thank you, it's just hard.....I'm fighting through it, trying to be strong. It's just not so easy, hubby tells me not to hold back the tears I want to cry (cause then that leads to a boat load of other emotions seepin out). But I don't want to break down in front of the kids...

Okay, now my hairdresser is at work....Pearl is doing my hair again...side bar sorry.

I was crying again earlier before we went to go get the mail, my moods are super flippy.

I was hesitant to post all this on here cause I didn't think I'd get too much support.....but then that could be my own personality issues coming through....wanting acceptance...whatever.....I don't know where my thoughts are.
post #6 of 22
Thread Starter 
And the rainy dreary weather doesn't help matters much, know what I mean?
post #7 of 22
Oh I know.
Maybe take some time each day while the kids are at school to have a cry.
I have walked Amy to school all chirpy aand happy she would never know and walked home again in floods of tears.
post #8 of 22
Thread Starter 
School's out for summer here and my youngest isn't school age.
post #9 of 22
I'm so sorry that you are feeling depressed. I've been there, so I know how it feels... although my family situation is different than yours.

Have you found a new therapist yet? (I think you said you were looking for one in another thread) I hope so, and if not, good vibes for the search.

My hugs and sympathy to you!
post #10 of 22
Thread Starter 
Nope, haven't found a therapist yet, but my MIL is talking of seeing if her psychiatrist will see me and she'll pay for it.
post #11 of 22
Someday your son and daughter will be your same age. They won't sit and cry about the love they could not find in their family. They will grow up knowing they are truly loved and supported by their Mom and Dad.

What you are dealing with sounds very painful, but I think it is worth it for the peace in your family.

Once you get settled in, go to the grocery store with your kids, and pick up some of those inexpensive carnations. Take them to a nursing home that is full of lovely old people who are lonely. Bring some pictures the little ones colored, too. Let them see what kind old people are like. Maybe someone will catch your fancy, and you can ask the nurses if you can "adopt" them as family. Then you will have supportive people to appreciate what your parents are not able to appreciate. (Just a thought...I have done this before when I lived too far from my family to see them!)

Or if you attend church, there may be an elderly person there who would appreciate a little extra attention!
post #12 of 22
Thread Starter 
We used to attend a really good church, though I never thought of going to a nursing home with the kids. I've pretty much adopted my ILs but it's not the same.

But you are so right, my kids know love because that's all we give them (occassionally scoldings and corrections typical of every parent of course). There isn't a single day that my DH doesn't tell me, and the kids that he loves us. That is so important because I never heard it from my father.

I once requested a song for DH when we were dating on the radio by Brad Paisley ("He didn't have to be") because he fully took on the role of 'daddy' for my little girl...and he loves her just as much as our son.

and I'm droning on and on again. Not to mention part of it is the whole monthly woman thing (I just started Seasonale.....but yay me the lack of cycle hasn't kicked in yet).

So I'm all crampy too.

I'm just having a rough weekend.
post #13 of 22
Dear ButterflyDreame,

Hi, I'm new here and I hope you don't mind me posting in your thread, I realise this is a super sensitive topic, but I've lurked on and off for a while and reading this thread and your other recent one of this topic inspired me to register.

The following is just my two cents, but I hope it helps if only a little.

I had a similarly awful childhood, which my siblings and I are finally starting to grow out of (I'm the eldest, at 26 - the youngest is 22 - we have a long way to go, I'd guess). The only thing you can do - which I guess you know - is treat your parents like you'd treat your ex - no situation is worth more than keeping yourself protected for them.

You had a good reason to want to get involved again - your BIL - but the only things you can do, you can still do without being involved in your family more actively. If the children are at risk, you can called child protective services or whatever. You can't make an adult get out of an abusive situation, as you almost certainly know, you can only support them and hope for the best.

Anyway, when all else fails, and the scary world is getting to you, remember that you are a MomCat. Pick your babies (furry and otherwise!), carry them to a new den, and keep them away from monsters. When you and your family are safe, you will be able to start to feel calm again.

Depression is only natural right now.
post #14 of 22
Thread Starter 
I know full well that I cannot make an adult get out of an abusive relationship. I was in that situation myself from the past....my ex husband...as you stated.

We have basically moved our den, me, hubby and our 2 kids and 2 furbabies.

It's just now the dealing with it. I'm trying but it hurts what's been done.....more than words can say.
post #15 of 22
Originally Posted by ButterflyDreame
It's just now the dealing with it. I'm trying but it hurts what's been done.....more than words can say.
I know. I guess I was trying to say, you shouldn't expect too much of yourself - you can't expect it to not hurt.

In my experience the only things that have helped - and its not all better yet - is time spent a safe environment.

I will keep you in my thoughts.
post #16 of 22
Oh hunny! I know EXACTLY what your going through.

My father does NOT accept my soon to be husband because of the fact that he is Puerto Riccian/ Columbian/ Cuban but was born, raised ,and educated in Connecticut his ENTIRE life.

My father has done the following since we've been together:

-offered me cash to send him back to CT
-offered me to live at his home and go to college (all paid for by him) if I leave him
-told me he wants no part in my wedding
-told me he MIGHT hate his grandchildren for having Latino/ Hispanic genes in them
-told me I am different and becoming more like "one of his kind" everyday.

This was EXTREMELY hard for me seeing as how I was ALWAYS a daddy's girl and my family is from the south.

So what did I do one day, I bawled. I called my dad bawling. Letting him know what he does hurts me, yelling at him, just making sure he's aware that what's he's doing isn't helping me, only hurting me.

Since then, the comments, the actions, the comments, the offers don't stop but I've learned that just because my father is racist does not mean I am. Nor does him not approving make it any better.

My suggestions: tell you folks off, start an online blog or journal, take up a hobby to get your mind off the situation, and DEFINATELY focus on living your life the way YOU want and they way that makes YOU happy. Just remember you're waking up to your husband everyday and you know you are happy.

If they can't accept you and your life style, then they never really deserved to be part of your life.

Keep us posted and know our prayers are with you hun!
post #17 of 22
My father never told me he loved me, and frankly i dont understand why youre craving so much to hear it.
After all these years i would seriously wonder what is going on if he told me he loved me.

I know it hurts, but you need to move on, Your husband and children need you. And thats all that matters

Just because your parents are related to you by blood that doesnt mean they can treat you in that way, and neither do you need to hear them tell you they love you.

You are married to a wonderful man, IMO he is the only person who truly should say that he loves you.
post #18 of 22
Thread Starter 
Yeah I guess you all have a good point and i know the decision I've made is the right one, I guess it bothers me a bit cause it is my ENTIRE bloodline that's living that I've had to cut off. Because I don't want to be found by my family. I've taken extreme measures to disappear.

But as I sit here typing this, I'm watching my son eat fruit loops and my daughter watch TV and my husband watching the kids with me...well he just got up to go shower.

I know I have some issues that need help.....and I hope that I can find a therapist to help me through them. I was seeing one in the Air Force and it was helping but then I got out...and haven't found one since...well I did but she would cancel on me and all that. It was a county therapist and they only do what they have to do and nothing more.

I take my meds....and I take it one day at a time.....and that's all I can do.
post #19 of 22
Thread Starter 
Well today was hard for me for some reason...I broke down completely and so my MIL watched the kids and I went upstairs and laid down and cried and cried and cried and then it started to pour down rain and it almost felt like God was crying with me....and then I fell asleep with sweet Pearl laying next to me.....I know it's depression building cause I have no interest in anything right now, I hardly have interest in this site or my online blog. Actually I haven't really been to my online blog cause it just doesn't peak my interest in the least.

I feel so alone.
post #20 of 22
I am so sorry you are feeling so down. You will be in my thoughts and prayers, I hope things turn around for you soon.
post #21 of 22
I truly hope things start looking up for you soon. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and if you need to talk, please don't hesitate to pm me. we're here for you.
post #22 of 22
Thread Starter 
Hubby sat down with me this evening and told me just to talk to him and tell him what all was in my head...and I unloaded a bit but I don't want to burden him with too much as I'm sure this is impacting him as well...he so wanted things to work out.

My moods keep flip flopping between anger, confusion, sadness(depression), just so many at once....it's hard to handle it.
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