Worried about pregnant neighbor

Do you spend a lot of time with this girl?

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Hmm..Not alot, no. I do what I can for her. Like yesterday she asked if I could take her to the store because she was hungary, but my own child was sleeping, and I couldnt. It's times like that when I spend time with her. It's not alot of time. But the idea of having her in my house would be difficult. DH cant stand the smell either, and he'd have to be at work in order to put up with it. But it is a great idea, and I think I might the "girly" night thing. I just dont know how to deal with her cleanliness.

I like this:

Then if it gets to the point where you feel you are being taken advantage of, especially with the car situation, you can take a stand against it without feeling like you could have done more.

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I like it alot, because then if i do the other things, I can feel I have done enough, and now it is time for me sort of let go of the situation. I really like the thrift store ideas too. That would help her tons.

I would call child services and the SPCA to check on those cats too!

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I think the cats are OK. They are tad skinny, but appear to be very happy. She lets them out on the balcony, and keeps a very close eye on them. I like that. One was burnt on the electric heater once, and she couldnt afford the vet bill, so I pitched in. But I think the cats are alright.

I think there might be a litter box changing problem because the house reeks of ammonia so horribly, and Im pretty sure it's a litter box problem. But she shouldnt be changing that. Hopefully her man does that. I am also worried that one day her kitties will get away because they are not fixed and want to go down them stairs so badly, but she's always right there to pick them up and bring them back up-stairs. I actually think she's an alright furbaby mom. (I watch lol)

It's sad that given the discription of the situation you have given that the child will probably be taken away as soon as the baby is born.

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Im not sure that I'd like that. She would be terribly heart-broken, and I would know it's all my fault. But, at least the poor child would be taken care of properly. I think I am going to call someone about it though, thanks to all of you for getting into gear about this. I have been debating it for sometime. Hopefully they can get something going before the baby, so she can keep it.

They have programs that can help with her parenting skills and it canb e done anon.I believe one of them is Healthy Start.

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I know that we have that program out here. I actually think there is one right down the road. So would I just explain the situation, and ask to remain un-known?

I'm not sure about her income but she could even now qualify for the WIC program.

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She does qualify for it in fact. I have tooken her to that place too, and she filled out the appropriate papers, and I took her to bring them back. But she hasnt went and picked up the rest of the information and packets for it. She hasnt asked me about it either. I should really get on that, because that would help ALOT for formula costs. And Milk for herself instread of Mountain Dew.

You want to help but how much???

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Enough. Enough to know that child is being taken care of in the proper ways, and being fed, cleaned...etc..But I think that IS too much. It isnt my responsibility, and I wish I didnt feel like it's my job to do all this. But I just have to. It's like instinct or something. I think I'll be taking a maternity leave too when she has this baby. lol. Just to teach her the basics.

I'm wondering if she is even seeing a doctor at this point!!

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She has. 3 times. She has the correct pre-natel pills, (I made darn sure of that), and had an ultra-sound. It's a boy. But other than that, I dont know if she's been there in a couple months. Im going to call her tonight, & make sure everythings going alright, and ask if she's been to the doctor lately. You guys got me all motherly now. But it's what I needed.

They will most likely not take her child away. It is much easier for them to train her to be a more proper mother first.

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Well that's excellent news. I would like her to have this baby. I think she'd be a great mom, given she cleans herself, and her home more, and just generally takes better care of her life, and this baby.

You are an awesome woman for helping her to the best of your ability, but I agree, don't allow yourself to be taken advantage of.

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Thank you much. It's just that when I got pregnant when I was 19, I had family, and friends that gave EVERYTHING to me. Books, 2 great baby-showers, all the resources needed. And thankfully our landlord understood our situation, and let us move in. But it was so many different people helping. And understanding. But with this girl...She's got me. That's all. And sometimes her mother. So I've got to kick it in gear. Starting tonight.

Thank you all so much. I will keep you all posted. *gets into help mode* Oh boy, this shall be an experience.

You mentioned that your boss had a talk with her about her hygiene... How is your relationship with her? Can you possibly take her aside and discuss your thoughts with her and your intentions on helping her out? Maybe she will be willing to help out as well....
I definately think you have your work cut out for you here... I think you should be commended on taking the time to help this girl

Originally Posted by squirtle

You mentioned that your boss had a talk with her about her hygiene... How is your relationship with her? Can you possibly take her aside and discuss your thoughts with her and your intentions on helping her out? Maybe she will be willing to help out as well....
I definately think you have your work cut out for you here... I think you should be commended on taking the time to help this girl

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lol. Actually her boss is my mother. I have 3 jobs, and my mom is the manager at one of them. (makes scheduling easy)
My mom has talked to her several times, and is worried about her as well. I actually was just over at my mom's, and was talking about it to her. She also thinks I should just call someone, and get into this as much as possible to help her get ready before the baby is born. But I told her that I just dont feel it's my place to do all that. She seems to think it is. It's a "sign" as she says. My mom is willing to help money wise. But not taking this girl anywhere or anything.

Originally Posted by lilleah

Thank you much. It's just that when I got pregnant when I was 19, I had family, and friends that gave EVERYTHING to me. Books, 2 great baby-showers, all the resources needed. And thankfully our landlord understood our situation, and let us move in. But it was so many different people helping. And understanding. But with this girl...She's got me. That's all. And sometimes her mother. So I've got to kick it in gear. Starting tonight.

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I work as a psych nurse, and have had to call Child Protective Services a few times. In Illinois, the kids are not often taken from the parent...I've called for failure to give a kid medications, and for sexual abuse (not from someone living in the home). Those kids remained with the parents, but were investigated. My clinic even has child caseworkers called SASS workers, who's job is to help parents do a better job.

I think you can either try to do too much, and feel bad that the baby is still being let down, or get professionals in to help. If she doesn't shower or change the litterbox, what are the chances she will change diapers often enough? In nursing school, I saw a baby come into the hospital with open wounds on its butt...wearing a kleenex tissue in plastic pants for a diaper. Is is abuse? Ignorance? Poverty? I don't know, but I know that baby had a sore butt!

Your situation and hers were different for more reasons than the support. Keep being her friend, and keep trying to make a little bit of difference. Even with CPS, she will need your help. But without them, I don't see how you can change things. And honestly, IMO, anyone who is that physically filthy probably has a mental illness. Hopefully CPS can be sure she gets into treatment.

Originally Posted by lilleah

I think there might be a litter box changing problem because the house reeks of ammonia so horribly,

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I haven't said anything because everyone is giving you great advice. This ammonia issue bothers me greatly. Ammonia is toxic. A young baby's lungs can be seriously damaged.

Originally Posted by Beckiboo

I work as a psych nurse, and have had to call Child Protective Services a few times. In Illinois, the kids are not often taken from the parent...I've called for failure to give a kid medications, and for sexual abuse (not from someone living in the home). Those kids remained with the parents, but were investigated. My clinic even has child caseworkers called SASS workers, who's job is to help parents do a better job.

I think you can either try to do too much, and feel bad that the baby is still being let down, or get professionals in to help. If she doesn't shower or change the litterbox, what are the chances she will change diapers often enough? In nursing school, I saw a baby come into the hospital with open wounds on its butt...wearing a kleenex tissue in plastic pants for a diaper. Is is abuse? Ignorance? Poverty? I don't know, but I know that baby had a sore butt!

Your situation and hers were different for more reasons than the support. Keep being her friend, and keep trying to make a little bit of difference. Even with CPS, she will need your help. But without them, I don't see how you can change things. And honestly, IMO, anyone who is that physically filthy probably has a mental illness. Hopefully CPS can be sure she gets into treatment.

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That's something else my mother said to me today. Was about "can you imagine the Diaper Rash this baby is going to have?" And It just breaks my heart to even think about it. I am calling tomarrow. I have it planned. DH wants NOTHING to do with it anymore. He just cant stand them. And I cant either, it's just I have a feeling already for this baby inside her, and am sick to death about it. DH doesnt feel that way. So I am going about this myself. And whether or not I make a difference, at least I know I did something.

I dont know about all this Mental Illness thing. She seems pretty normal to me. Although I have seen her "myspace" and it is particularly wierd. She's very into wierd things, that she had'nt told me. Wierd roll-playing things. I dont understand it all. But she's alright to talk to.

Although, she talks about WIERD things...ok, Alright...maybe she does have an illness. Great...Now I have an even bigger problem on my hands. So, yes, maybe just a call is in order for this girl. Im beginning to think maybe she's out of my "helping" league. ugh...So many different feeling about this. It's just hard. But the MAIN thing here is to get this house and her cleaned up. And her way of living and eating. That's a start, the second part, is getting a room for this child ready.

I just noticed today, that there is a strange man, living with them. I've seen his car many times, and never knew he was living with them. But it's been affirmed today. Dont know the guy...but I know that he's living there, he's there everyday, everynight. For about 3 weeks. And there is ABSOLUTLY NO ROOM for this man. He works at Burget King, I've seen his uniform, and that's where her baby's father works. So maybe they are temp. housing this guy??
Whatever the reason, he's taking up the baby room.

Originally Posted by katachtig

I haven't said anything because everyone is giving you great advice. This ammonia issue bothers me greatly. Ammonia is toxic. A young baby's lungs can be seriously damaged.

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I know this. And that's why it bothers me too. I've said something about it to her before, and she said she doesnt smell it. Im sure they are immune to the smell by now. I just hope she's been to the doctor lately.

In the end you're still helping a child become a healthy child.

I realised now that my comment about taking the child away was a bit rash. IF the child does get taken away (i.e. she can't start taking better care of herself before the child is born), then in Michigan (at least, maybe other states too?) there's a thing called "Families First" with CPS. Again IF the child does get taken away most likely it'll be given to a relative or close friend of the couple before it's given to a complete stranger.

Good luck with it though! I know it would be difficult for me to do too! However I really think you are doing the right thing.

eeeeeeek, what a terrible situation for you!

I used to have a friend in high school that lived in this kind of environment and they called the CPS on her parents. The kids werent taken away but they were threatened and forced to clean the house. Unfortunately they kept going back to the same habits. I stayed with them for 9 months and it was terrible. I couldnt complain cuz I was a runaway and they took me in, they are VERY nice people with good intentions but lazy and very very very dirty. They had 2 cats and a dog inside, they smoked inside, no one ever cleaned the kitchen or anything. The used toilet papers were piles up on the side of the toiles there was used sanitary napkins, cat litter had bugs in it it wreeked of amonia, roaches EVERYWHERE, dog poop on the floor, u were lucky if you could find a pair of socks. my friend always smelled like cigaretts and dog poop. We would carpool with our other friends and we'd always have to roll dfown the windows.I did my best to clean there, but their habits never changed unfortunatley.

You should definately call someone for the baby's sake. Im sure the baby wont be taken away, but the cleaning will surely benefit everyone including the cats.

Around here CFS has homemaker services that help a family get on track with regards to their home environment (cleaning, cooking, organizing, etc). I seriously doubt they would take the baby away. They have to have a pretty serious reason for removing a child and it doesn't sound like it's warrented here- assuming she's willing to take parenting classes and make whatever changes family services demands of her. She's probably going to provide the minimum level of care for this child and in Indiana that's all it takes. She's probably just pretty clueless. I wonder if she would be ok with someone helping her clean and organize her house? Taking her thift shopping is a great idea, as is the girly night. Just try to be non-threatening to her. Does she use WIC, Lutheran Social Services/Catholic Charities, or any other programs?

I've been thinking about this all day (while I was doing the dishes) but I haven't posted.
I think family services is your best bet. The last thing most of them want to do is take a child away from a home where it is not being outright abused or neglected. Also, since she is going to be on WIC they may come check on her anyway. Tell them that you are concerned about her health and also the babies, and that she may need some help with domestic skills, and make it clear that you think she can do very well with a little bit of help. That said, her reactions to her boss suggesting that she shower sometimes may reveal that she will become even more stubborn if someone is trying to help her clean her house.

I also think that you are already too involved in this situation. I know its hard to just sit back and watch someone who obviously is struggling, but if you continue doing what you are doing you will end up with two children, her and her baby. You do not owe her money. You do not owe her rides. I really think the best help you can give her is none at all. If she knows she can call you and use you for your car, they are never going to buy one. Only help her if it is an absolute emergency. I lived next to a group of people very similar to this, but younger and with two girls and two babies and no parents and lots of boyfriends. One time, she knocked on my front door, baby in arms, and asked to use my phone. She called one of the boyfriends to ask him to bring by formula and diapers. I had never met her before. She came back several times after that. And not always to use the phone for something legitimate, sometimes it was just to argue with someone about stupid stuff. Finally I told her I was out of minutes-- it was my cell phone. She never came back.

My mom was a juvenile probation officer. This was the tactic she used most. She was nice to the girls when they absolutely needed her, but mostly made them take care of themselves. This was in the 60's so almost every case involved an unwed mother with very little support system. When you get too involved, you will find yourself sacrificing yourself more than anyone should expect you to.

Well. Alright. I am calling tomarrow. Calling whoever it is that I can find to help her. Because...yes...I think I might be putting myself into something greater than expected. I will still help her with little things, and emergency's. Little things like "teaching" cleanliness, and ways to live with baby. Emergency's like going into labor, and out of formula.

Thank you all so much for caring. And I am calling tomarrow, I will let you all know what they say. But before calling, I am also going over there, and checking out how her house is at the current moment. Maybe she has made an improvement. Who knows.

Things on checklist:

How many baby items?
How's the baby room comming along?
Still taking prescribed prenatel pills?
Last time you've seen doctor?
Wow, maybe it's time to clean litter box.
Need to go to the thrift store for misc. stuff?
Oh look..I have an extra bar of soap in my pocket!!
You need to shower a tad more often.
Here's a book I read while expecting baby, and how to handle first year.

That's all. I just hope it works. After that, whoever I call, Social Services, CPS, or whatever, should help. I think that should be enough.

I think you've gotten some good advice here. So all I'll say is be strong, for this baby's sake. You care and that is a good thing. I'm sure it will help in the end! It may be somewhat painful for her to have to be told things, but it has got to be done.

Okay I had a similar situation with a friend. And I honestly don't think she realized her house and herself was so bad. OKay first what I did was set out a day with her and made it seem like I needed help straightening up my house and I told her if she helped me to get my house cleaned up I would help her. And I know you would be doing alot of work but make it seem like she is helping you and then you helping her. And then after I got the house straight I would try and have a little baby shower for her and maybe they could subtly include personal care items and maybe she will get the hint but try not to hurt her feelings. Because if her feelings get hurt she will shut down and she won't learn anything. And next see if somehow you can figure out a way to get the bf to clean her litter boxes and tell him (which is the truth) that she doesn't need to do it for the babies sake until the baby is born and uptil then it needs cleaning atleast every other day for the health for the health of the baby. She sounds to me like a girl who isn't quite ready to grow up and she maybe is trying to seek out help but doesn't know how. And past that I am not certain what more to do for her. But the main thing is getting her to get her house cleaned up and herself. But becareful not to offend her so that she stays open to your help. Because from the sound of it she is not seeing herself and home the way you are or maybe she is just overwhelmed and maybe she wasn't taught any better.

Any updates yet? Have you called anyone? I think you are doing the right thing for this unborn baby.

What state are the cats in as well?, because if she can't look after herself and her baby?!

I think you've received good advice about the baby, I just wanted to add something about the cats.
You said they are not fixed, that probably means they are spraying urine everywhere which is going to be very unhealthy for the baby. Have you looked into low-cost or free neutering for her?

Originally Posted by lilleah

I know this. And that's why it bothers me too. I've said something about it to her before, and she said she doesnt smell it. Im sure they are immune to the smell by now. I just hope she's been to the doctor lately.

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Basically you are already involved emotionally if nothing else, and you are kind enough to be concerned. How are you going to feel when the baby comes? That in itself is reason to at least make a few calls to see if someone can help with some of the issues, I know in a case like this you don't want to seem just like a trouble maker or just a nosey person,but because you are a careing concerned responsible person. But maybe being 18 ( that says alot) she just doesn't have the knowledge to do the best things, she evidently doesn't even know how to care for herself. And to put a newborn in an enviorment like that would not be good. Not to make light of any of this but I have 3 Grand children 1 almost 19 2 almost 18 who take very good care of thereselves and have there head screwed on at least half right, but to see them trying to struggle with an infant OMG. If nothing just make a few calls tell whoever your concerned and see if they can shed some light as to what if anything or someone can help make a differance in her life... Good Luck and be proud of yourself for being concerned

Wow, what a great person you are for being there for this girl and helping her out to the best of your abilities. Definitely keep us posted, I don't really have anything to add, everyone on the forum has said what I would say and do. Florida also has Healthy Start and a great WIC program, I see so many people using those.
Does her husband help at all? Would he be willing to change? Sounds like No so far...huh? Well, my house never got so bad that you could smell it outside and I ate very healthy when I was pregnant and I did shower (I did have a good up bringing), but my mom did come down last April and gave me a hand of organizing the house. I know that she'll be appreciative of everything you do for her.

Here's another suggestion...
Buy her an inexpensive bath set with bubble bath, bath poof, lotion... things like that... and tell her you thought she might be a little stressed out over being an expectant mom and she might want to relax with a bubble bath.