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After 10 years - Page 2

post #31 of 44
*HUGS* So sorry to hear this......I am also 28 and been married for almost 6 yrs and I just couldnt imagine, having to go thru what you are going thru. Just stay stong and keep your head up! It will get better!! (((HUGS)))
post #32 of 44
Erin,
Best of luck to you. You are stronger than you think. Don't forget that everyone here supports you!
post #33 of 44
Erin
I am so sorry you are going through this. I'd like to weigh in on things from the abuse end as someone who has seen so many women in your situation. They always say that the RIGHT thing is not always (and very rarely) the EASIEST thing. Trust me when I say that you are doing the right thing.

You are stronger than most women, leaving over mental abuse as opposed to women who say "it's not like he beats me" and continue to endure the mental/emotional abuse. Non-physical abuse can be just as (if not more!) damaging than physical abuse. It leaves us with the wounds and bruises not visible to the naked eye. It often leaves us battered even moreso, unrecognizeable.

It will take a lot of time to heal, that's the truth. I'd be glad to help you find some resources in your area that could help with the healing process if you'd like. Support groups are also FANTASTIC for the healing as you'd be amazed how cathartic it can be to speak to other women who are going through or who have gone through what you're experiencing right now.


Quote:
Originally Posted by jlutgendorf
I just wanted to thank you for being so strong and making this decision. You are very courageous for coming to this realization about your relationship and then acting upon it.

You may not know this, but your actions are no doubt serving as an inspiration to others. I bet there are other people in unhealthy relationships who are reading your post right now and it's giving them the strength and courage to make the same effort you have.

Julia is VERY right-on with those remarks. You are serving as an inspiration to so many women right now, please have faith in that. If you have daughters one day, you can talk about your experiences so that they know how to protect themselves from the same type of abuse and heartache.
My thoughts and prayers are with you now during this extremely difficult time. Allow yourself time to mourn. But, day by day, realize that the freedom that seems to keep you down right now will ultimately be the sweetest gift you've ever given yourself .
post #34 of 44
Quote:
Originally Posted by eilcon
Erin, you should be proud of yourself for making a difficult decision and doing what's best for you. That reflects what a strong person you are. You WILL get through this. We're all here for you!
Couldn't have said it better myself Eileen! Erin, you will be fine in the long run. I've been divorced in my 20's, lived back at home with Mom and Dad for 10 years, and in those 10 years learned alot about myself. It will all work out, and remember, life is always worth it!
post #35 of 44
Erin, I've been in the "is it all worth it?" boat too. Separation and divorce are very sad things. You and he shared everything for 10 years. Everywhere you turn, you are reminded and it is so easy to sink deep into sadness and depression. It is so depressing and you feel like it will never stop. IT WILL!!!

I had to move back in with my Mom after a divorce too. Many of us have been through it. I've sent prayers for you. It takes time, but you will feel better. I do. I have a wonderful husband now. I am happy again. NEVER give up, hon!
post #36 of 44
I have to add, I too lived with my parents after my divorce. That in its self is difficult. You may be an adult, but you have to live by their rules (at least thats how I felt). PM me if you wan't to talk. I know alot of the feelings you are having. I don't want to express them here and have someone take me in the wrong context. But I can relate to alot. My ex-husband was not just on dating websites, but homosexual websites. Please, everyone dont get me wrong, if that's your preference, it's not a problem. Just don't lead someone on for 6 years that you're not that way and decieve them. I too still have difficulty dealing with it even though I'm remarried and happy.
post #37 of 44
Thread Starter 
Thanks Everyone. I Feel Better Reading What You All Think, And Knowing I'm Not The Only One.
Ugaimes, I'll Take What Ever Resources Anyone Can Give!!
post #38 of 44
Erin, I don't have much to add that hasn't already been said. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately, though, sometimes the only way out of a bad situation is through it. Hang in there and take care of yourself.
post #39 of 44
Thread Starter 
Well, I just got done calling all the places we owe money to and added Tim's name so it isn't all in just my name!!! Thanks for the advice! I also just removed his credit card from my debt management program, and got him off of my car insurance which oddly enough I will be saving $200 ever 6 months now!
Tonight My parents and I are going to Tim's parents house to discuss the $26000 debt we have, and what the future holds. Tim won't be there because he has to play a softball game tonight. :censor::censor::censor:!!! I have some words for Tim right now!!!
That's about all I have right now. I am going through phases right now. I hate Tim. I miss Tim. I'll let you all know what happens tonight!
post #40 of 44
Wow, things with you are sure high on his priority list!
Good luck Erin...
post #41 of 44
I've been through that, too. My ex was kind of borderline mentally and emotionally abusive. He wasn't always awful, but he never showed real love or appreciation. In fact, I had decided to stick with him despite our difficulties...and then he dumped me! I think what happened was that one of my ways of dealing with his picking on me was to deflate it and not jump to the bait. For example when he said I was too fat, I told him not to tell me that anymore, that I would just assume he thought I was too fat, unless he told me different. Somehow, I think I just wasn't fun for him anymore if he couldn't pick on me!

I did love him when he left me, though, and shed quite a few tears over him. But as time passed, I realized that I missed the idea of being married more than I missed him. I missed the dream of a happy marriage, but I knew I hadn't had a happy marriage for years. We were together for 7 years, and I was about 26 when we separated.

I lived with my parents, with my two kids! And went back to school. I decided I didn't want to be poor forever, so I became a nurse and now I have a great job.

Your situation is harder, because if you were childhood sweethearts, a big part of your growing up process is being left behind, too. It is hard to know who you are when you have been a part of a couple for so long. And emotional abusers take a part of you away....but it will come back.

My current husband really doesn't tolerate me being self critical...maybe some of that is left from my years of being put down by the ex. It is just so extremely different to be in a relationship with someone who acts like you are on the same team. Someone who makes you feel loved and cherished. As if he is the luckiest man on earth to have you.

Take your time to grieve, then heal. In the long run, your life will be so much sweeter without Tim. Cry for who you wish he was, and the parts of him you love and miss. Then dry your tears and move on. It takes quite a long time,but you will get there. I promise.
post #42 of 44
Quote:
Originally Posted by Beckiboo
I've been through that, too. My ex was kind of borderline mentally and emotionally abusive. He wasn't always awful, but he never showed real love or appreciation. In fact, I had decided to stick with him despite our difficulties...and then he dumped me! I think what happened was that one of my ways of dealing with his picking on me was to deflate it and not jump to the bait. For example when he said I was too fat, I told him not to tell me that anymore, that I would just assume he thought I was too fat, unless he told me different. Somehow, I think I just wasn't fun for him anymore if he couldn't pick on me!

I did love him when he left me, though, and shed quite a few tears over him. But as time passed, I realized that I missed the idea of being married more than I missed him. I missed the dream of a happy marriage, but I knew I hadn't had a happy marriage for years. We were together for 7 years, and I was about 26 when we separated.

I lived with my parents, with my two kids! And went back to school. I decided I didn't want to be poor forever, so I became a nurse and now I have a great job.

Your situation is harder, because if you were childhood sweethearts, a big part of your growing up process is being left behind, too. It is hard to know who you are when you have been a part of a couple for so long. And emotional abusers take a part of you away....but it will come back.

My current husband really doesn't tolerate me being self critical...maybe some of that is left from my years of being put down by the ex. It is just so extremely different to be in a relationship with someone who acts like you are on the same team. Someone who makes you feel loved and cherished. As if he is the luckiest man on earth to have you.

Take your time to grieve, then heal. In the long run, your life will be so much sweeter without Tim. Cry for who you wish he was, and the parts of him you love and miss. Then dry your tears and move on. It takes quite a long time,but you will get there. I promise.
I just wanted to say this was a wonderful, sensitive, honest post that shows what can be so special when a group of folks, connected via the internet, care about each other.
post #43 of 44
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by emb_78
Well, I just got done calling all the places we owe money to and added Tim's name so it isn't all in just my name!!! Thanks for the advice! I also just removed his credit card from my debt management program, and got him off of my car insurance which oddly enough I will be saving $200 ever 6 months now!
Tonight My parents and I are going to Tim's parents house to discuss the $26000 debt we have, and what the future holds. Tim won't be there because he has to play a softball game tonight. :censor::censor::censor:!!! I have some words for Tim right now!!!
That's about all I have right now. I am going through phases right now. I hate Tim. I miss Tim. I'll let you all know what happens tonight!
Tim didn't show... Tims dad was real mad about the situation, tims mom was making axcusses for tim I took 3 of my babies to the cat shelter about a hour ago. It was real hard. I am so upset about it, but I just can't have 7 cats at my mom house right now. My dad also took the computer from my house today. Tim is probably real mad!!! I actually feel bad for taking the computer and has favorite cat to my mom's. I probably shouldn't feel bad about it. But I do still love the man!
post #44 of 44
Quote:
Originally Posted by emb_78
Tim didn't show... Tims dad was real mad about the situation, tims mom was making axcusses for tim I took 3 of my babies to the cat shelter about a hour ago. It was real hard. I am so upset about it, but I just can't have 7 cats at my mom house right now. My dad also took the computer from my house today. Tim is probably real mad!!! I actually feel bad for taking the computer and has favorite cat to my mom's. I probably shouldn't feel bad about it. But I do still love the man!
Loving him is understandable. I loved my ex even though I left him because he abused me. I still feel bad sometimes about it,( not to often anymore just once in a great while) I'm sorry you had to take your cats to the shelter, but you did what you had to at the time so you deserve nothing but the highest respect.
Taking the computer was good too, you need to be here amongst friends who will listen and care about you. Your ex sounds like a real piece of work. Stay strong, We are still here on your side, rooting for you all the way!
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