Stupid questions and how you *wish* you could respond...

As many of you know, I answer phones as part of my job. Some of the questions I get are amazing! I really wish I could be a smartypants and answer them with what I think, but I would probably get fired.

You don't have to work answering or talking on phones to be part of this "game". I'm sure we've all gotten the stupid questions on the phone, whether or not it's from someone you know. Kinda like Bill Engvall's "here's your sign", this is what I want to say on the phone, but don't:

Me: I'm sorry, R is out at a meeting, would you like his voice mail?
Idiot: Are you sure he's gone? I just got an email from him.
*What I want to say*: Nope, I'm lying. He's right here. I just wanted to see if you REALLY wanted to talk to him first.

*****

Idiot: How long will they be on the phone/in a meeting?
*What I want to say*: According to the coffee grounds in his mug, I believe he should be 23 minutes and 17 seconds.

*****

Idiot calling back after being on hold for 30 seconds and not being immediately connected to their party: I was holding for S and I got disconnected.
*What I want to say*: Yeah, that would be because you hung up. That will happen every single time...

So tell me your stupid phone calls and what great comebacks you want to use, but probably shouldn't.

I used to work in a cardiology department.

Alot of times patients would call for an appointment which wasn't available (this was a military base *Andrews*, and there were three other medical centers in the treatment area the patients could go to)

Conversations would often go like this:

Patient: I'd like to schedule an echocardiogram appointment
Me: *after pulling up their referal*, okay you have a referal here but we are booked.
Patient: What do you mean you are booked
Me: Unfortunately we only have one technician due to deployments and so we had very few appointments. You can schedule this appointment with Walter Reed or Bethesda, they have more openings there.
Patient: I don't want to drive all that way, when do you release new appointments?
Me: Not for another month unfortunately.
Patient: Well what if I have a heart attack and die before you give me an appointment.
Me: Like I said, I'm absolutely certain that the other two medical facilities can accomadate you, if they can't tricare can let you see a civilian.
*click*

Often times the patient would hang up on me.

I just wanted to say just once:

"If you were so concerned about your health you'd call the other places to try to get your appointment instead of waiting for us"

It wasn't but a half hour drive either way (depending on D.C. Traffic)

But I couldn't. I'd just smile and carry on.

my mother had the best line when we were teenages although at the time i used to be really embarrased about it.

friend - is danielle there
mother - no
friend - do you know when she will be home
mother - yes
friend - and when will that be
mother - who am I talking too?

lol - my friends quickly got into the habit of starting the call out with "hello Mrs K, its M here"
It really was one of my mothers pet peeves

I just love it when people call and just start rambling on about their policies BEFORE they give me their name...

Example" Hi, I justed wanted to take my porsche off the road, and put the insurance back on my Toyota..oh, and can you tell me the monthly payment for that...Oh and also can I get a quote on a motorcycle..It's a 1995 Honda 1500..."

Me: "And what is the last name"?

I wish I could respond by saying "Um, and who the hell are you? I'm not psychic"


People are idiots!!

Originally Posted by huggles

my mother had the best line when we were teenages although at the time i used to be really embarrased about it.

friend - is danielle there
mother - no
friend - do you know when she will be home
mother - yes
friend - and when will that be
mother - who am I talking too?

lol - my friends quickly got into the habit of starting the call out with "hello Mrs K, its M here"
It really was one of my mothers pet peeves

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haha thats too good!

OK, how about this one?

idiot-is mr. L there?
me-no, can I take a message?
idiot-yeah, why don't you have him call me back. It's Bob Barker
me-And how do you spell your last name mr. barker?
idiot-b-a-r-k-e-r
me-and what's your phone number?
idiot-i don't feel safe giving you that. just have him call me, OK?
*click*


Is it just me, or doesn't returning a call require a number to call back? I had some guy call here Friday with that one. The idiot hasn't called back. He's probably sitting by his phone scratching his head as to why dad hasn't called him back.

Me: Hello?
Them: Is this Mr. ......
me: Do I sound like a Mister??!!

The second one I actually use, but it is courtesy of my mother.
We both had our phone numbers listed as A. Mitchell (Not any longer)
There is no Mr. Mitchell.

Me: Hello?
Them: Yes, is Mr. Mitchell in?
Me: No, and if you see that SOB before I do, tell him if he bothers coming home now, I'll kill him!
Them: <pregnant pause> *click*

Originally Posted by huggles

my mother had the best line when we were teenages although at the time i used to be really embarrased about it.

friend - is danielle there
mother - no
friend - do you know when she will be home
mother - yes
friend - and when will that be
mother - who am I talking too?

lol - my friends quickly got into the habit of starting the call out with "hello Mrs K, its M here"
It really was one of my mothers pet peeves

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That sounds like something my father did.

friend - Is Heidi there?
Dad - Yes.
.................................pause........................ friend gets uncomfortable not knowing what to say next...........................
Dad - Oh, did you want to talk to her?



Of course, you also have to realize that my father scared all of my friends. All but one was quite sure he hated them when they met him - the only one who didn't think that also had Marines in her family. To say that he can be intimidating, especially to teenagers, is an understatement.

Originally Posted by Arlyn

Me: Hello?
Them: Is this Mr. ......
me: Do I sound like a Mister??!!

The second one I actually use, but it is courtesy of my mother.
We both had our phone numbers listed as A. Mitchell (Not any longer)
There is no Mr. Mitchell.

Me: Hello?
Them: Yes, is Mr. Mitchell in?
Me: No, and if you see that SOB before I do, tell him if he bothers coming home now, I'll kill him!
Them: <pregnant pause> *click*

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Oh that's cute!!!

This isnt a phone call, it was a face-to-face, but irritating just the same... (I work in an independent retirement community)...This healthcare provider comes up to me wanting me to deliver stamps to some resident because she didnt feel like walking to her apartment (this isnt part of our job descrip at all, I just love these residents so I do extra sometimes, but we are supposed to just call them and let them know they have something at the desk since we are not assisted living, we're completely independent living). I am the only one in the office and it was ridiculously hectic...

Me-I will be glad to see that she gets them ma'am, but I can't leave right now. I will bring them to her this evening.
Her-You can't take them now?
Me- No ma'am, unfortunately not, I am the only one in the office but I will make sure she gets them for you! (all smiles).
Her- But when will she get them?
Me- As soon as I can get back there, if I can't make it I will call and give let her know she has something at the desk.
Her-I don't understand why you just can't take the stamps now, she needs them.
Me-(wanted to say: And I don't understand why you cant just walk your lazy rear to her apt if she needs them so badly!) Like I said ma'am, I'll be happy to as soon as I can.

She then snatches the stamps off the desk, shouts at me asking 'what kind of nursing home is this, ya'll can't do bleep!' And I proceed to tell her that we aren't any kind of nursing home, we're an independent retirement community. No joke, this lady tries to tell me that we advertise our self as a nursing home, it's all over our sign. I couldnt help pointing outside to our sign as politely as possible where it says ------- ----- ------- "Finest in indepent retirement living". She storms off and tell her to have a lovely day, and she informs me that I have ruined it with my laziness.

Sheesh, sorry that was long. Some people are just a little dense. This was the first really rude person I've had here ever, usually everyone is so nice.

Oh I get lots of these

Idiot: Can I get a quote
Me: the usual questions, type of materials, city etc
Them: answering simple questions
Me: Ok, I will have an estimator call to set up an appointment for a visit
Them: Oh I don't want someone to come to my house
Me: ok, just give me the sizes and I can give you a ballpark
Them: Well I don't know how big it is!

And you expect me to price this how... am I psychic seeing the dimensions of your house?

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Oh and the best message on voicemail this morning

Complete idiot: Hi, I am just returning your call from last week, please call me at work beween 10-11 and 2-4, thanks.

Do you know how many calls we get in a week?

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Or recently we got another line installed, it soon became obvious to us that the number had belonged to someone who had run up a decent amount of debts

Caller: Hi, Mr (name)
Me (thinking): Do I sound like a Mister?
Me (speaking): This number is no longer registered to Mr (name) please remove it from your lists.
Them: Are you sure?
Me: Yes, I am
Them: Well do you know where he is now?
Me: No, we just got this phone line, I guess he disconnected it
Them: Well can't you call your provider and ask if he left a forwarding address for us?
Me: click UMMM NO

I worked in a putt-putt place and one day some guy came in with his pregnant girlfriend. He seemed very "not from around here", in suburbia of southern Ohio.
So, I tell him how much his game is, I think it was 3.50 per person at the time. He said- "Is that per hole?"
I said- No, thats all 18 holes.
He said- Do we pay to rent the putters then?
I said- No, that comes with your game.
Girlfriend obnoxiously talking on her phone and looking generally bored the whole time. I mean really, what are prices like where youre from???
The story only gets better from there.
Minutes later some guy comes in looking very worried.
-Have you seen (whatever his name is).
-Um. Who is that? What does he look like?
-You know, the VJ on MTV?
-Um. I don't watch much TV.
He was totally astounded by this. Here before him is a 16 year old white girl from suburbia, his prime MTV demographic, telling him she has no idea who this guy is and also that I didn't even recognize him when I was talking to him. He recovered, and I realized he probably meant the "out-of-towner" and told him he was on the blue course.

I work in a call center, handling customer service and sales for a major residential telephone provider.

ME: Thank you for calling ______. My name is Cindy, may I have your area code and telephone number?

CALLER: 12345 (five-digit number)

ME: Sir/Ma'am, that is your ZIP code. May I have your AREA code and telephone number please?


CALLER: Uh, I don't know my telephone number, can't you look it up?

WHAT I WANT TO SAY: DUH!..You called the PHONE COMPANY. HOW do you think we look up your account?!

Like most everyone else, my big problem at work is when people don't identify themselves. They call going on for ever and ever about their claims and I have to cut them off and say "I'm sorry, with whom am I speaking?" The best is "Oh, it's me, EllieMae/BillyBob." Riiight...and I have half a dozen Ellies and Billys in my caseload, so I know EXACTLY which one you are. LOL
Another brilliant one that I had just today....
A guy calls up for his mother and starts going on about how she got a letter about disability and how she doesn't get disability, she gets SSI, so why did I send her a letter about her disability? I didn't even have anyone with EITHER of this woman's names (first or last) in my caseload. So I asked him to read the letter to me. The letter wasn't even about his mom. It was about her friend who had left her as a contact person! The guy hadn't even bothered to read the freakin' letter, other than where it was from and my name.

I also hate being called Mrs.
Like when people call the house and when I answer say "Mrs. A.?"
"NO, this is MISS M. May I ask who is calling?" Yeah, yeah, in 6 months it WILL me Mrs. A., but for now it's still MISS, thank you very much.
And at work, "Hi Mrs. M., this is so-and-so." Yeah, MRS. M. is my STEP-MOTHER. lol

Originally Posted by Zoe'n'MissKitty

Like most everyone else, my big problem at work is when people don't identify themselves. They call going on for ever and ever about their claims and I have to cut them off and say "I'm sorry, with whom am I speaking?" The best is "Oh, it's me, EllieMae/BillyBob." Riiight...and I have half a dozen Ellies and Billys in my caseload, so I know EXACTLY which one you are. LOL
Another brilliant one that I had just today....
A guy calls up for his mother and starts going on about how she got a letter about disability and how she doesn't get disability, she gets SSI, so why did I send her a letter about her disability? I didn't even have anyone with EITHER of this woman's names (first or last) in my caseload. So I asked him to read the letter to me. The letter wasn't even about his mom. It was about her friend who had left her as a contact person! The guy hadn't even bothered to read the freakin' letter, other than where it was from and my name.

I also hate being called Mrs.
Like when people call the house and when I answer say "Mrs. A.?"
"NO, this is MISS M. May I ask who is calling?" Yeah, yeah, in 6 months it WILL me Mrs. A., but for now it's still MISS, thank you very much.
And at work, "Hi Mrs. M., this is so-and-so." Yeah, MRS. M. is my STEP-MOTHER. lol

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Heeehee, I totally get "Hi It's John..." Um, John is like THE most common name..

Or how about this:

We had an automated message machine where I worked to handle patients calling in for refills, in the message it says state your doctor, the medication you need, where you want it sent to and a number to reach you back as well as identifying information (the military uses last name, last four of the sponsor's social security number).

We'd get messages all the time that sounded like this:

"This is Joe Smith, I need this med, that med and the other med refilled. Thank you. Click"

When you retrieve the message you are thinking:

"Thanks Mr Smith, What in the world am I supposed to do when there are a million Joe Smiths and you didn't tell me anything about you, the dosage, the pharmacy...a phone number would have been helpful..."

We couldn't do anything with those messages unfortunately and would have to delete them, only to have the patient call the clinic totally P.O'd wanting to know why their script wasn't refilled.

Idiot: I need to make an appointment.
Me: And what is your last name?
Idiot: Mine or my cat's?
*What I want to say...."Does your cat have a different last name than you?" Gah!

These are priceless. I do have to admit when calling for assistance I normally state my problem before my name.

These are so funny!!

I got a call today... the guy was so obnoxious! It might not be funny but here's our conversation. (I'm always WAY too nice to solicitors)

Guy: Hi I'm from Norcal insurance and I'd like you to take a couple of seconds to answer a survey.
Me: Sorry, I can't right now.
Guy: Why not?
Me: I'm very busy. Sorry.
Guy: If you're so busy, why'd you answer the phone?.
Me: *click*

I wanted to reply with something mean off the top of my head but was too stunned to speak!! We had some pretty funny solicitor ideas a long time ago... one thing we'd do was to pass the phone around the family and as they kept asking, "Is this the adult of the house?" we'd say, "Hold on, I'll get them." Another thing we did was give the phone to my step-sister who was six at the time.

Originally Posted by kc&sherman

These are so funny!!

I got a call today... the guy was so obnoxious! It might not be funny but here's our conversation. (I'm always WAY too nice to solicitors)

Guy: Hi I'm from Norcal insurance and I'd like you to take a couple of seconds to answer a survey.
Me: Sorry, I can't right now.
Guy: Why not?
Me: I'm very busy. Sorry.
Guy: If you're so busy, why'd you answer the phone?.
Me: *click*

I wanted to reply with something mean off the top of my head but was too stunned to speak!! We had some pretty funny solicitor ideas a long time ago... one thing we'd do was to pass the phone around the family and as they kept asking, "Is this the adult of the house?" we'd say, "Hold on, I'll get them." Another thing we did was give the phone to my step-sister who was six at the time.

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I've never thought of giving the phone to somebody younger! LMAO!

Oh you guys are so nice to me giving me a place to vent!!!

Some of mine are as follows:

I work in a very very small tiny store that is a small rectangle. One bath room, one dressing room, no other rooms, closets, etc. other than the door that say's FIRE EXIT! Constantly people will ask if there is a color, size, or type "in the back room!!" My Husband said he once wants to walk out the back door and say, "Nope we're all out of those!"

People will call for a quote:

Them: "Yeah, I'd like to get a quote on some shirts!"
Me: "What were you looking at doing?"
Them: "We're not sure yet"
Me: "How many were you looking at doing?"
Them: "I don't know!"
Me: "What did you want on them?"
Them: "We haven't really figured that out yet!"

I feel like saying "Then what the heck did you call me for?" I mean come on! It's like going to a resurant and saying how much is my meal going to be? I don't know what I want to eat, or if I'll have any drinks or dessert, but I want to know how much the bill will be before I order!


One thing I do to phone spammers now is when they call and ask for the boss I say ok, please hold, then I mute the phone and set it down for like 5 minutes, and then just hang up!!!

I've always wanted to tell them she died too and start balling but I haven't worked up the nerve to do it yet!

Ok, That will be all for me for now! I'll be good!

Silly Jilly