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Relationship vent

post #1 of 26
Thread Starter 
I've been dating this fellow for two years now. He is a great person when he is sober, but when he is drunk he is loud, obnoxious, and pretty much the biggest jerk i've ever known. To date, he's told me that he desnt need me at least 10 times, and that he'd be better off without me. When he has friends over it is worse. He sneers at me when he thinks I am not looking, and drinks even more than usual, glancing at me and stating that he NEEDS to drink more. I love him when he is sober, but have grown to despise him when he is drunk. I'd tell him that, but he'd just get drunk and decide to play the "make gf feel like **** for fun" game and mock me when I start crying. I have nowhere to go, and he knows this, which is why I think he does it so much in the first place. What should I do?
post #2 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by taupegorilla22
I've been dating this fellow for two years now. He is a great person when he is sober, but when he is drunk he is loud, obnoxious, and pretty much the biggest jerk i've ever known. To date, he's told me that he desnt need me at least 10 times, and that he'd be better off without me. When he has friends over it is worse. He sneers at me when he thinks I am not looking, and drinks even more than usual, glancing at me and stating that he NEEDS to drink more. I love him when he is sober, but have grown to despise him when he is drunk. I'd tell him that, but he'd just get drunk and decide to play the "make gf feel like **** for fun" game and mock me when I start crying. I have nowhere to go, and he knows this, which is why I think he does it so much in the first place. What should I do?

IMHO I think you should reorder your life so that you CAN find somewhere to go, ie get a job or start saving towards your own place and then RUN AWAY AND NEVER GO BACK. He is demeaning and abusing you not only for his own "pleasure" but also for the amusement of his "friends". I have heard it said that the "deep" feelings come out when someone drinks and I don't know if that's true or not...but it sounds like he does this quite often and I don't think if he really and truely cared he would act this way. Besides, do you really want to waste your life on this abusive relationship? The chances of it getting better are very poor, I have been there and done that and my advice is to make other plans and leave him as soon as you can. There are nice men out there and you would be better off alone than with him anyway. I wish you the best and hope you can leave him SOON. Hugs.
post #3 of 26
I would look up the nearest Al Anon group (for the family of alcoholics) and get involved. It definitely sounds like he's abusing alcohol.

I'm not going to tell you to leave him because that's a decision YOU have to make... although when that's an option, I would encourage you to think about it.

Please at least do look up a support hotline or group. They have more experience with these type of situations and will be able to give you advice.
post #4 of 26


That's so horrible. If you do love him as much as you say you do, then take note of this: you can't change him...but you can change your reaction to him. It sucks and hurts at the time, but you must find it in you to stand up to him.
It's easy to say get up and run away, but only you will feel comfortable making that decision.
post #5 of 26
Oh, I'm so bad at giving advice about this one...I was going through the same thing and it took me 6 years to figure it out and divorce my husband...I can only say that the decision is yours and I hope you find answers soon.
post #6 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by taupegorilla22
I've been dating this fellow for two years now. He is a great person when he is sober, but when he is drunk he is loud, obnoxious, and pretty much the biggest jerk i've ever known. To date, he's told me that he desnt need me at least 10 times, and that he'd be better off without me. When he has friends over it is worse. He sneers at me when he thinks I am not looking, and drinks even more than usual, glancing at me and stating that he NEEDS to drink more. I love him when he is sober, but have grown to despise him when he is drunk. I'd tell him that, but he'd just get drunk and decide to play the "make gf feel like **** for fun" game and mock me when I start crying. I have nowhere to go, and he knows this, which is why I think he does it so much in the first place. What should I do?
All I can say is why do you put up with him? Tell him to choose, beer or you. I would tell him you are NOT someone to be made to feel s****y and you don't have to put up with his crap and then get up and walk away when he is drinking and playing the lets make honey feel like crap game. Me personally, after putting up with a man who physically, emotionally and psychologically abused me for 6 years, I would have smacked him upside the head if he said that to me. This girl WON'T put up with that anymore. I KNOW I'm better then that now, it just took a long time to realize it. I hope you realize it too.
post #7 of 26
Please call Al-Anon and get some support for yourself:

1-888-4AL-ANON (1-888-425-2666) Monday through Friday, 8:00am to 6:00pm ET.

Follow this link to find out if Al-Anon is for you:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/S17web.html

I hope that you can find the support that you need. These people are great and they can really help you to evaluate what is going on in your relationship and what you can do about it. It is tough being with someone who is addicted to alcohol or other drugs and you really need some outside support.

You will be in my prayers
post #8 of 26
Just because you love someone doesn't mean you should let them treat you like doggy doo which is what this guy is doing. I would get my life better organized and find my own place for a while and see if things improve or not. Maybe even tell him you need some space.
post #9 of 26
PLEASE do everything you can to get out as soon as possible. There must be somewhere you can stay, a friend, relative, even a shelter. Been there, done that, and I slept on friends' floors for a while till I got myself together. No relationship like that gets better, it only gets worse. For your own health and self esteem, do it soon.
post #10 of 26
I know you have probably heard this over and over, but you need to get out of this situation. that is abuse. After 2 years you are not going to be able to change him and that should be clear. If you have to seek help to leave him please do. But as everyone has said, that is only a choice you can make. Good luck sweetie!
post #11 of 26
I'm going through almost the same situation and I'm bailing. The man in question has made it clear that Budweiser is more important to him than I am and I deserve better, as do you.

We can't stop these destructive men from messing up their lives but, we can darn sure keep them from taking us down with them.
post #12 of 26
Hi. I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. You are worth more than that and deserve a better life. The dependence will be hard to overcome but it would be worth it to give it a shot. I know that it must look like you don't have a better option, but, since some of us have been through similar situations and are now outside of them, we can see how much better life can be if you just take one small step out that door and never look back.

I know how hard this would be for you because you obviously love him dearly, but your love is wasted on him. Try to get him to get help (AA or something analogous) but if he is unwilling then disappear from his life. A real decent nice guy who would treat you with respect and dignity and truly love you awaits this decision I'm sure.

This might be a good place to set up camp temporarily:

http://www.naplesshelter.org/

They will even take your pets.

Keep us updated and here's wishing you the best.
post #13 of 26
Get out while you can sweetie - you've recognised there is a problem, and that's the first step. I've seen a lot of women leave and go back to men who abuse alcohol, saying "he's different now, he's changed"... they live on a yo-yo existance because they believe they can't do any better. Wrong. You can't change him, you're stronger than that, and you deserve better. My ex used to be exactly the same - I was really really low for the four years I was with him.. but the thing is, I never realised how bad it was until I was out of it.
post #14 of 26
You can't use this man's drinking as an excuse for his behavior. He knows what he's doing to you -- he doesn't wake up the next day with amnesia. If he is capable of repeating this behavior time and again, then he does not genuinely love you.

You really need to get out. I hope you can do it nonconfrontationally, but if you don't think that's possible, you should talk to the police about protection while you make your move.

Please be careful... and please don't buy into the terrible things he's been saying to you. And when you leave, if he starts to cry and apologize and promise he'll change, don't be swayed. At the very least, you need to wait and let him change FIRST, and STAY changed for a year or so, before you even consider going back to him.

You CAN find a place to go, and you WILL be stronger without him. Stand tall!
post #15 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by taupegorilla22
I've been dating this fellow for two years now. He is a great person when he is sober, but when he is drunk he is loud, obnoxious, and pretty much the biggest jerk i've ever known. To date, he's told me that he desnt need me at least 10 times, and that he'd be better off without me. When he has friends over it is worse. He sneers at me when he thinks I am not looking, and drinks even more than usual, glancing at me and stating that he NEEDS to drink more. I love him when he is sober, but have grown to despise him when he is drunk. I'd tell him that, but he'd just get drunk and decide to play the "make gf feel like **** for fun" game and mock me when I start crying. I have nowhere to go, and he knows this, which is why I think he does it so much in the first place. What should I do?
It sounds as though you are living together, not just dating so the first thing is that anything you decide to do you'll have to do when he isn't home. He's wrong about one thing though - you'd be better off WITHOUT HIM. That love you feel for him will soon enough go away after a few more years of this abuse I can assure you. If he has so little respect for you now, can you imagine how much worse it is going to get. Right now it is verbal abuse, I can honestly see it becoming much worse and turn into physical abuse and yes, he'll always be sorry when he sobers up.

I have fortunately never had to deal with this, but I've known others who have and you have been given good advice. It will take a lot of bravery on your part to take the first step, but you really do need to get out - go to a shelter where they will help you start over, stay with a friend or family (although from the sounds of it you don't have anyone to go to). A shelter will help you find work and a place to live and a chance to get out from under this big dark cloud he has you under.

Thoughts and prayers to you that you will be strong enough to help yourself now before it gets any worse.
post #16 of 26
I have been through this recently. You have to accept things that you can't change and work on the things you CAN change. If you can, stay with a friend or make HIM leave. But PLEASE get out of this situation. You're MUCH better off. Alcoholics tend to drink because of depression and not knowing how to handle things in life and the drinking makes it worse. Then they have to bring everyone around them down because as they say "misery loves company".
post #17 of 26
I think you've been given great advice here. I hope things get better for you and you are able to break away from this horrible situation. Nobody has the right to make you feel like he's doing. Good luck.
post #18 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by jugen
All I can say is why do you put up with him? Tell him to choose, beer or you. I would tell him you are NOT someone to be made to feel s****y and you don't have to put up with his crap and then get up and walk away when he is drinking and playing the lets make honey feel like crap game. Me personally, after putting up with a man who physically, emotionally and psychologically abused me for 6 years, I would have smacked him upside the head if he said that to me. This girl WON'T put up with that anymore. I KNOW I'm better then that now, it just took a long time to realize it. I hope you realize it too.

Two words - Buh-Bye or Au Revoir or Auf Wiedersehen or Arrivederci - and don't let the door hit you in the on the way out!

Sorry - been there - done that - then realized - ummm, I don't think so.
Call AA, hand "him" the information for it, then pack up and go. I'm sorry, but any man who treats you that way doesn't care about you.
You said it yourself too - he knows you have no where to go - well show him that you do.
Go love with your furbaby - they provide unconditional love (and they don't drink hehe
post #19 of 26
True to just about everyone's word here - it's hard to hear, but it's time to leave. It's so hard, I know - I was in a similar situation. That's not love. Love doesn't hurt someone like that.

I sure hope you can be strong enough to do what's right for you.
You're in my thoughts.
post #20 of 26
I've been in a relationship like this as well - for 5 years it took me to realize that I DON'T need to be in a relationship like that anymore! He acted the same way as your current BF is acting too - I know how hard it is to just leave, but really - in the long run, you'll be so much happier!

I wish you all the luck in the world - and my God grant you the strength to leave him!
post #21 of 26
Send him to MI and I'll take care of him. I HATE guys that do that, I know too many.



Everything will work out, just be strong and do what's best for you.
post #22 of 26
I went through the same yo yo effect with my ex-fiance.
It took me 15 years to realize that I was worth more than that! Please go as soon as you can. I had no self esteem left and was to the point of wondering if this is what I deserved. then I finally woke up, got rid of him and started over. Now I have a wonderful decent man that is kind and gentle and would never make me feel like dirt. You deserve the same hon, and I pray that you get it soon!
post #23 of 26
Love also means to let go
post #24 of 26
I was just simply wondering about something. All of you guys talk about leaving. "just pack up and leave" or "just get out" or "you need to leave him". I think there is a problem with some girls, including me, that just dont know how to do that. In fact, I have an appt. with a counselor on Monday to help me figure how to do just that.

I have been trying to "get out" for a year now. It just is so hard. I almost dont even love the man anymore. There are huge problems that I just cant fix with him, and leaving is my only option. I fortunatly do have somewhere to go. But it's just the picking up and leaving part that is the hardest. How am I just supposed to leave? And maybe that's what this girl is thinking. Maybe she's spent a good part of her life with this man. And they've bought things together, and all of thier stuff is mixed together. I really dont know how to explain it.

So, yes, I do agree with all these guys about leaving him. He sounds like bad news, and it's something that has to be done. You are way better than that. Please do leave. It will be hard, belive me, because I still cant leave. And I want to. If anyone has any good ideas on how to leave for this girl, and me, that would be great. It cant just be "just leave" or "just pack up your things and go", because that's not going to happen. Some of us just cant seem to do that. There's gotta be an easier way to do this. Some way that wont hurt as bad, or make life 10 times harder than it is already.
post #25 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilleah878
I was just simply wondering about something. All of you guys talk about leaving. "just pack up and leave" or "just get out" or "you need to leave him". I think there is a problem with some girls, including me, that just dont know how to do that. In fact, I have an appt. with a counselor on Monday to help me figure how to do just that.

I have been trying to "get out" for a year now. It just is so hard. I almost dont even love the man anymore. There are huge problems that I just cant fix with him, and leaving is my only option. I fortunatly do have somewhere to go. But it's just the picking up and leaving part that is the hardest. How am I just supposed to leave? And maybe that's what this girl is thinking. Maybe she's spent a good part of her life with this man. And they've bought things together, and all of thier stuff is mixed together. I really dont know how to explain it.

So, yes, I do agree with all these guys about leaving him. He sounds like bad news, and it's something that has to be done. You are way better than that. Please do leave. It will be hard, belive me, because I still cant leave. And I want to. If anyone has any good ideas on how to leave for this girl, and me, that would be great. It cant just be "just leave" or "just pack up your things and go", because that's not going to happen. Some of us just cant seem to do that. There's gotta be an easier way to do this. Some way that wont hurt as bad, or make life 10 times harder than it is already.
I was also in a bad situation for a while, though a little different. To get out I needed a push, a big one. I didn't leave until things turned so horrible that I couldn't possibly stay. It was way too late..

I think this is point where friends and familiy should come in. Do you have anyone in the area who would be willing to go with you to get a moving van and help you gather all your stuff to make the move? Any TCSers in the area who would be willing to help? I would certainly help if I lived nearby.

I don't know where the original speaker is residing but if she is nearby to any of us we could help to get her out as well.
post #26 of 26
Well, I don't think what I did was necessarily the right thing, but the way I got the courage to leave my husband, was that I had an affair right at the end. (The only time I ever cheated.) He was super nice guy, just what I needed after being treated so bad for so long. That gave me kind of a boost in that direction to tell DH I wanted a divorce. After 2 weeks of seeing the other guy, I had enough self esteem to do it. I ended up staying with the nice guy for a year, but it fizzled out after I realized he was a loser...
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