Significant other age gap?

Eric and I have a 17 year age difference....with me being the older one. He is 29 and I am 45. This means I get to pull rank here and there, although his IQ is probably higher. We met in a very traditional way, in our skyscraper building in downtown Seattle. We both worked there, he took four months to talk to me. He has a normal, close relationshp with all his sisters and his mama, and I have a normal and close relationshp with all my brothers and my Dad. I think our society and culture raises an eyebrow if the age difference places the female older than the male by 10 years or more, but if it's a male, it's no big deal. Most of the eyebrow-raising comes from societal mores, none of which make any sense anymore. Or people who are catty and jealous.

Eric and I have some gaps in maybe music tastes, although I was the one buying Nickelback tickets, believe me, and he can sit through a live symphony and truly enjoy it. Our Dads go bird-watching together and both families are very accepting. They just want his happiness and they are truly family to me. That's a big part of it - how your inner circle is supportive, not divisive. Because nobody else really matters. One of our best couple-friends are he, 31, and she, 46, from Hawaii where nobody cares about anything like that anyway!

Yosemite and others nailed it when it was stated that you've got to look at the world with four eyes, not just two...meaning that if your inner core values, your outer ambitions, and your life path is that of "together and congruent" it's makes for a good match, regardless of age.

And no, I would NOT support a 27/17 yr old pairing. There is more development between the ages of 21-29 that nobody tells you about and it's critical the ages aren't too far apart when younger.

In any event, after Demi and Ashton got hitched, I sure did get a lot of email! If you want to see our photo, go to the Photo thread, we're there and smiling.

Ian and I are only 2 months and 5 days different (he's older), so I don't necessarily fit in this discussion, but to someone who DOESN'T fit the big age-gap mold, I really don't have a single issue with it/seeing other people with a large age difference. If you meet the right person, it doesn't really matter!

Originally Posted by sashacat421

And no, I would NOT support a 27/17 yr old pairing. There is more development between the ages of 21-29 that nobody tells you about and it's critical the ages aren't too far apart when younger.

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I dont think you can judge on that it depends on the couple everyone is different. my mother Married at 16 my dad was 22 and they spent 45 years together.

am 8 years older then my hubby, works great because he acts like an old man I'm 58 he's 50, he spent 12 years as a batchlor also 25 years in the service, but were good, he is very good to me and I take good care of him. I do think that alot of years could be a problem. My sis-in-law is married to a guy who is 47 she is 61, they have been married for 20 years and he's an idoit never has been responsible never , and I think maybe she's almost done.... I Hope I keep telling her he doesn't have the right to make anyones life miserable, and you deserve to be happy, get out while you still have a few live brain cells

I am 4 years older than my sweetie. We met when he was 16, and I was 20. It seemed like a huge gap then, but we remained friends. 7 years later I came to my senses and realized he was right when within 2 hours of meeting, he told me that we would end up spending our lives together. I could have saved myself a lot of trouble if I had just listened to him. We have been happily unmarried for 20 years. We do not need a legal document to see that this is till death do us part.

In my last serious relationship, I was 16 years older than the guy. Although it didn't last, age wasn't the deciding factor. I don't think it makes a difference, but I have found a lot of people who do, especially when it's the woman who is older.

Originally Posted by xDx

I dont think you can judge on that it depends on the couple everyone is different. my mother Married at 16 my dad was 22 and they spent 45 years together.

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That's very true in some cases, but in our screwed up American society? I wouldn't recommned it as a long term pairing. I honestly believe European countries are a lot healthier, and to me have appeared to be much more emotionally mature.

My hub is 11 years older than me too, I'm 37, he's 48, we met and started dating in 1989 when I was 20 and he was 31..married in 1990 and still together almost 16 years later. We have a lot of the same tastes in music and such....the only trouble is, I seem to be going thru a mindlife crisis and he didn't, lol!

My parents are the same age ( minus a few months-- they were born in Jan & Oct same year) Me and Hubby are 8 yrs apart, and my lil sister and her hubby are 8 years apart. In both marriages (my sisters and mine) the hubby's are the older parties. Hubby and I lived together for 3 years before we got married-- we only got married to apease our parents. ( my parents are very traditional and my mom was apalled that we were "living in sin"-- his mom was terminal and died 2 months after our first anniversary)

I think it has a lot to do with the maturity factor on the mens part mostly.

Most people look at me weird when they find out I'm the older one in the relationship (me being the women). Granted its only 2 years X months, but when my mom found out I was dating someone who was 19 she asked me if I was robbing the cradle. I guess that meant I was finally old enough to "rob the cradle"!! (At the age of 21 no less!) Of course the one problem we've had is that I can go to bars and he can't (he turns 21 this sunday, ha!). However, I'm not one for going to a bar; I can make cheaper drinks at my apartment! XD

We just work together; people have asked me if I liked them young! Honestly, since I've hit dating age (er, 18 or so) I've never really thought: "Oh, that man would be perfect at the age of 21!"

Really, the difference between 19 and 21 isn't even worth mentioning. The SO was 23, almost 24, and I was 29 when we started dating and I got some of the same sort of stuff from my mom who wanted to know if I was raising him . Personally that's the best way to do it, get 'em young and raise 'em to your ways . Seriously, the gap means less as you age. The SO and I will celebrate our 18th on February 3rd .

GIRL!!! That is soooo funny. I am 23 and I have a "friend" that is 39.... he's just wonderful, but I wont get too much into that. I cant bring myself to think that we could ever be together because of the age difference. But I think I am just in a different place in my life. I do think that in a few years I will think differently and want to just keep him as a 'friend' for now, like you said. But I am right there with you, I couldn't beleive the ages were the same. Funny what you find on this site, haha.

Originally Posted by Alessandra

My advice would be to keep him as a friend and continue to mix with folks closer to your own age group. 23 is so young and you have so much in life ahead of you that a 39 year old has already experienced.

This from a 43 year old married to a 39 year old

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I am 43, and my husband is 39, too! What a small world TCS is!

I agree with the other posts that adults shouldn't date anyone younger than 18. Even 18-21 year olds dating much older people would be a concern to me, although there are many exceptions to that rule. But as you get older, age means less and less.

Just think about what you like about him. Are you looking for a father figure? Or do you just like his personality, his values, and how he treats you? That makes a big difference.

Establishing a good friendship is the first step, so that is a good idea to start!

My hubby is 10 and a half years older. that in itself is not a problem as I do believe age gets less important as you get older. There are two issues you need to consider carefully.
1) Will you be around for a long time without your partner if they are going to die before you (sounds horrible but I worry about being on my own when we are old and grey as men die younger than women and he's going to get there a lot quicker than me - luckily he's pretty healthy)

and
2) The biggest impact I have found is the fact they have already had experiences you haven't yet had, and might be ready to move on. For example, when we first married, I wanted wood furniture but my hubby had been there, done that and wanted a change so we went for the polished black look. I hated it but put up and shut up. As it happens 15 years on and we've gone full circle and are now buying wooden items for the house. There have been lots of occasions I'd have liked to do things but because he had already done them he really wasn't keen - as I said - over that! So you may have to be prepared to stand your ground and 'demand' to be heard, or be prepared to miss out on a few things.

At the end of the day you never know how much time you will have on this planet with the one you love. We don't get warnings when disasters are going to happen, when that drunk is going to be on the road, when cancer might hit, or when your time is going to be up. So I do believe you should make decisions partly on your future, but don't forget to consider the here and now, because the reality is tomorrow may never come!!

Originally Posted by RoseHawke

Really, the difference between 19 and 21 isn't even worth mentioning. The SO was 23, almost 24, and I was 29 when we started dating and I got some of the same sort of stuff from my mom who wanted to know if I was raising him

. Personally that's the best way to do it, get 'em young and raise 'em to your ways

. Seriously, the gap means less as you age. The SO and I will celebrate our 18th on February 3rd

.

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ROFL! Thats what hub said about me.......but decided that it was too late, I was already set in my ways....he couldn't change 'em!!!

I've always gone for older men. When I married my first husband (dumb thing for me to do), I was 16 and he was 22.

My late husband was 27 years older and had kids older than me. One problem with marrying a man that much older is that one becomes a young widow.

I haven't been involved with a man under 40, since I was 27. Now that I'm getting out on my own again, I'm interested in men aged 40-60 (I'm 48).

Originally Posted by Vicious Vaness

I also agree that the 27 and 17 year old is a big no-no. Not only is it illegal here, but there's probably going to be some other major issues that will come. For example, the girl is barely an adult and can't go out to the same places the 27 year old can. They're probably on different levels. A person that has a career going on (assuming that the 27 year old does), and a person in school (assuming that the 17 year old is going to school) are going to be on different levels. And from what I've witnessed from 17 year olds (even some people around my age) no matter how mature they may seem, they still don't have the experience and are most likely naive about what goes on in the real world. I started my career very early, and trying to talk to people that are in my age group gets hard because they've got the party attitude, and I've got the career minded attitude. I feel like a grandma around them.

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They are indeed in different places. She's still in highschool and he's had the chance to go to college for 3 years, take 3 or 4 years off and now he's in his 3rd year of university.
One of the things that has bothered me about talking to him about them is that he doesn't see the maturity problems. She is a mature 17 year old, due to a traumatic upbringing, BUT when I asked him what would happen when she started acting like a 17 year old (which they're likely to do) he said that that would never happen. It bothers me that he can't see even the possibility of her acting her age. I think she did the right thing in breaking it off, now if only she'll stand her ground. He's trying desperately to get her to come back to him. It's hard to watch because she's saying "no, I'm too young for this" and he's saying "pppppllllease! I do anything you want ANYTHING!".
*sigh* I love him despite his faults. I just hate seeing him set himself up for pain.

I've heard some psychologist's on TV say the perfect age for a marriage is a 7 year gap, with the woman being the older one. I think it's because women tend to live longer, I don't know.

When I was younger, I only liked older men, at least and sometimes more than 10 years older than I was. Now, as I get older, I am not attracted to older men, at all. I prefer them younger.

Originally Posted by Rockcat

I think the older you get the less important the gap becomes. It depends a lot more on your mental age.

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My boyfriend is 3 years older than me lol but sometimes he doesnt act 30!!! (acts younger )

Originally Posted by fwan

Being 19, i dont really want to date someone who is over 25.
I mean when i was 18 i wouldnt of thought to date soemone who is over 23.
There are a few exceptions though..

Wyan is the only guy i would date who is 10 years +

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So funny you should mention this Fwan! I was just reading all the replies in this thread. When I used to try online dating in my immediate area (less than 15 miles) I would look for women close to my age. However, when I think of all the irresistable women of TCS, they are both older and younger than me with quite a range. If all of TCS lived in the same city, I'd probably be in a lot of trouble, either good or bad. I think age matters less when both people are older than 18. My best relationship was with a girlfriend that was 12 years older than me. I was 28 and she was 40 when we met. I wasn't looking for somebody older and she wasn't looking for someone younger. We didn't end up apart because of age either. In my life I've turned down women both older and younger than me because of age, but I guess that's never the only reason. I've dated women a few years younger before, but not as far as the gap between Fwan and I. I would never normally even wink at a girl that much younger than me, but if someone like Fwan (who I've known for a while) lived in the same city as I did, I might make the same exception she would and break my rule, which is currently no less than 25/27ish.