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Why does nice = "hitting" on them?

post #1 of 25
Thread Starter 
I'll toot my own horn: I am a nice person. I treat everyone politely, joke around and generally show I care.

Why do some men think this means that I am hot for their bod??! This has happened to me before and I am afraid it is going to happen more often.

I can't stop being nice - it is me. I talk about my husband. I am "pleasantly plump". I wear no makeup, and my dress is "frumpy" I am changing the last two. I have been waiting to lose weight to overall my warddrobe - I finally admited that it wasn't going to happen so I am redoing it and someone is teaching me how to put on makeup (I work for a makeup company for goodness sakes!) When I showed up last week in a very nice dress (flowy hippy sorta look - so me) I get asked "You have a boyfriend?" =I show up with a "new" (just not worn it in long time) ring ("Boyfriend get you that?")

<<off soapbox >>

How can I communicate that, no - I am definately not interested, I am happily married. I am just nice - and I am so sorry women in your life are not nice to you - but you are not all that and a bag of chips?
post #2 of 25
Just hold up your left hand with your wedding band on it - If they don't get the hint, then they need a slap in the head!

But take it as a compliment!! You obviously can't be too frumpy or ugly without makeup!
post #3 of 25
Thread Starter 
LOL, could be - but I guess I wasn't clear. They think I am hitting on them - not that I think they are hitting on me.
post #4 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by jane_vernon
Just hold up your left hand with your wedding band on it - If they don't get the hint, then they need a slap in the head!

But take it as a compliment!! You obviously can't be too frumpy or ugly without makeup!
And since your already holding that left hand in the air it's in a good position to give em a good smack of reality too! I'd just tell em something to the effect of satisfied and showin it off!
post #5 of 25
Whenever I wonder if a girl is hitting on me or not, I always check out her hands. Both, because not everyone's Russian Orthodox. If there's a ring, she was not hitting on me. If there isn't, well, I haven't quite figured that part out.

I can't speak for any other guy, but it's very hard for me to tell if a woman is hitting on me. I usually don't realize it until hours after the fact.
post #6 of 25
Oh!!

Hmmm...Well, still hold up the wedding band and.....Ok, no ideas now!!
post #7 of 25
I get the same problem, too! It's embarrassing when the guys are my kids age or younger, so I make a point of talking about my grandson or mentioning that my daughters are 28 & 29. I think that somehow the society got confused and since open, respectful friendliness is so rare, some people suspect a hidden agenda behind it.
post #8 of 25
Send them MY way I'm presently unattached. The only show of interest, that I've had lately, is a 21 y/o, who follows me around like a puppy. Sheesh - I've already raised TWO boys. I don't need another one.
post #9 of 25
But Cindy!! You could train him!!!
post #10 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by jane_vernon
But Cindy!! You could train him!!!
But most guys come knowing how to use a litter box... er... toilet.

That is the type of "training" you mean, right? Right?
post #11 of 25
Yeah yeah...

That EXACTLY what I meant!!
post #12 of 25
And now, for an awesome Florentine saying...

Io conosco i miei polli.

Literally, "I know my chickens." It's an idiomatic thing. It's along the lines of "I know what's going on here..." Sort of the response to someone saying they were "going to visit the elephant."
post #13 of 25
Oh dear! That's a worry, i'd just flash my wedding ring hand and say "You should be so lucky"
post #14 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by katl8e
Sheesh - I've already raised TWO boys. I don't need another one.
That's funny Cindy!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Talon
I'll toot my own horn: I am a nice person. I treat everyone politely, joke around and generally show I care.

Why do some men think this means that I am hot for their bod??! This has happened to me before and I am afraid it is going to happen more often.

How can I communicate that, no - I am definately not interested, I am happily married. I am just nice - and I am so sorry women in your life are not nice to you - but you are not all that and a bag of chips?
It sounds like you should continue to be yourself Tracey. Talking about your husband is one of the more effective ways of getting the message across in my opinion. If some guys are ignoring things like that then they are probably delusional around all women. I worked with a guy like that. He thought every woman was hitting on him. It was really funny! Thank God, (for the women) that he was harmless and it only stayed in the realm of funny.
post #15 of 25
I know how you feel! I've often thought of buying myself a wedding ring just so every man I speak to doesn't think I'm trying it on with him! I always felt safe around my best mates husband (he's married to my best mate so it never even crossed my mind) until he suggested we have an affair! Then there have been two of my Dads mates, who are both married and 20 years older than me, and another friends husband who is nearly 40 years older than me! For some reason certain men seem to assume single = desperate
post #16 of 25
First of all, I'm sure you're very pretty. Secondly, I know what you mean. I'm always being called a flirt, but I swear I'm just friendly! I say it over & over. I'm Just Friendly! People react to it so strangely, that I actually have to avoid talking to acquaintances' boyfriends/husbands because I don't want to cause any problems. My roommate says it's just an innate charm which is probably what you (all) have all well.
post #17 of 25
Oh, how I understand your frustration! I wouldn't know how to flirt if I wanted to, but I've had all sorts of embarrassing situations of that nature. I've had male business colleagues wave THEIR wedding rings at ME!

One time, a man who did audio work for me -- someone I'd had no contact with whatsoever outside of the projects we'd done together -- actually sat down and took my hand to quietly break the news that he was getting married. He clearly expected me to be heartbroken!

It's not my appearance -- I'm unattractive, I live like a nun, and I don't dress provocatively at all. And it's not just men! I've had women whisper to me, "Give it up, honey, he's married/gay/moving to Alaska."

One time years ago, I took my then-closest female friend to dinner at a nice restaurant, and afterward, she said, "That's the last time I'm going anywhere with you." She said she'd been mortally embarrassed by my FLIRTING! I asked "What flirting?" and she ticked off, "Making eye contact, calling them by name, thanking them every time they poured water for you."

I explained that I'm not comfortable with treating waiters as if they're invisible -- I treat them as human beings, and equals. She assured me that my behavior was perceived as flirting, so I asked a few people about it at my office... and they told me she was right!

So I tried to change my behavior. For a couple of weeks, I stopped smiling when men were around, stopped engaging in casual conversation with men, stopped being funny, or even friendly. I was grim and businesslike at all times. And I got SO DEPRESSED! It was miserable, and I finally just gave it up. If men think I'm flirting with them, let 'em think it -- it's not worth squelching my whole personality over.

So I say BE YOURSELF. If they can't tell the difference between friendliness and flirting, that's THEIR problem!
post #18 of 25
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by CarolPetunia
So I say BE YOURSELF. If they can't tell the difference between friendliness and flirting, that's THEIR problem!
Whie I am glad it is not just me - I feel so bad that just being nice has to be perceived as an alterior motive.

Ah well, your quote is my new motto - it is their problem.
post #19 of 25
when semi-strangers are nice to me, and are guys, then I believe that they are hitting on me. They may not be but to be careful I believe that they are and refuse to talk to them LOL. I am not nice to guys either. I do not talk to them as I feel there is no need. My no talking rule does have some exceptions but in general I am not nice and not friendly because I don't want any trouble!
post #20 of 25
Talon, you could be describing me in appearance when you describe yourself, and I have the same problem. It is embarrassing! I live in a town where men outnumber women 2to1, and I thought it was just because of that, but when I go home to see my daughter, it still happens. I am a 46 year old grandmother, for heaven's sake. I went out to see a freind that is a bartender a few months ago, and had the cutest little 23 year old surfer I ever saw hitting on me. I changed my appearance a a little, and a guy that I have known for years hit on me, not recognizing me. I think he needs new glasses!
post #21 of 25
That is too funny!!!
What part of No do the guys not understand????
BTW-one of my friends always says "all that and a bag of chips" !!!She is originally for the UP of Michigan and I thought that was a yooper (UP) phrase!!
post #22 of 25
Its wishful thinking on their part.
post #23 of 25
Ok sorry but..

*Gets on soap box*

I am a very playful person I like to mess around with everyone. When I meet a new person of course I'm going to be spontaneous because I am generally happy with the way I am. Well for some odd reason whenever I'm playful and joke around with guys automatically people seem to think I'm flirting with them! I get so sick of hearing "Oh you have a crush on Josh!" or "You have a crush on Patrick!" No I don't! Is what is even worse is when I try to tell people that I don't have a crush on anyone they think I'm just in denial and hiding it! GRR!!!! If I was FLIRTING I wouldn't be playful and joke around!! I'd be more calm and mellow and just have a semi-intelligent conversation with the person to see IF he's the type I even WANT!!

*Off soap box*

So yes I know how you feel.
post #24 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by Purity
I know how you feel! I've often thought of buying myself a wedding ring just so every man I speak to doesn't think I'm trying it on with him! I always felt safe around my best mates husband (he's married to my best mate so it never even crossed my mind) until he suggested we have an affair! Then there have been two of my Dads mates, who are both married and 20 years older than me, and another friends husband who is nearly 40 years older than me! For some reason certain men seem to assume single = desperate
I have a friend that used to work in a Teen geared clothing store in the mall. She as about 22-23 at the time and 16 year olds would come in and hit on her. So she bought a ring from Avon and it worked pretty good! (except some didnt care!)
post #25 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by mikenealis
But most guys come knowing how to use a litter box... er... toilet.

That is the type of "training" you mean, right? Right?
Sorry Mike....but all I can think of after reading this comment is the sign up in our (gender neutral) bathroom at work......unfortunately it's there for a reason...
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