More than just cat problems, need help in understand and advice

This will be a long post. But in order for you all to understand my delima, you should know the situation.


Ok first things first. I am a 37 yr old disabled male in wheelchair. I never had a pet of any sort. This past June my ex and I rented a place along with her 2 boys 6 and 3 yrs old and a baby on the way (not mine, long story.) Well, just recently about 1 1/2 months ago. My ex and I were told by the neighors upstairs who have a cat who just had some kittens and are about 14 weeks old. We were told that in the winter time we would get mice in the house and we figured with a newborn on the way it would probably be a good idea of having a cat around. She has a dog by the way. Well I wasnt too keen on the idea of another pet let alone a cat with a dog around. I never really been into cats until now. Well anyways we ended up taking her in eventually and things were fine and the dog and the kitten got along great. The cat seem to take a liking to me more than the others. She would be on my desk either asleep or us two playing with each other. When it was bedtime for me she would be right there for some play time then we would both cuddle and sleep. This was pretty much a steady pattern every night. Well, one day I went to a friends house to watch a football game and when i came back home I knew something wasnt right. My ex had just got up and left. She had done this before at least 3 times. ( my stupidity I know.) Anyways, her and the kids and dog were gone, but she did leave the cat. I found the 14 week old kitten in the middle of the room crying when i came in. Well, I knew then I couldnt stay there I had to get out too because of the memories. But, where I would be moving to either in with my mom or with a friend of mine I knew she couldnt come with. It hurts so bad!!
Anyways we had about a week together and we bonded even more. Well what happend is this is I moved out today and in with a friend of mine where they can not have pets. My baby went to my brothers house where they have 3 cats. 1 elderly cat and 2 that are a little over 1 yr old. I know she will have a good home there until we can be back together. The plan is in about 5 months MAYBE, that my friend and I can get a bigger place since his is one bedroom apartment and a place that allows pets or at least a cat. ITs been 12 hrs and I am more depressed about my kitten and I being apart than what my ex did to me. Here is my question and advice that I need for a newbie cat lover.

I hear animals especially cats adapt well and fairly quickly. I left with my brother and his gf a flannel shirt she would sleep on a lot as a security blanket in a new surrounding. I am just wondering and worried that she will get depressed or wondering how she is feeling if she will be ok, and wont be mad at me or think i didnt love her and betray her since my ex and kids left, and now me. Will she be ok for the 5 months or a bit longer? I can go visit her from time to time but I also know my brother and his gf and 13 yr old they keep pretty busy. They offered for me to come see her and assured she would be ok. I know she will. But I cant stop thinking, does my cat have feelings to the point she may think I dont love her or want her? I keep getting this image in my head of her sleeping on my flannel shirt crying or her little heart broken and lonely for her daddy. I never had a pet and I miss her terribly. So, does she feel betrayed and not loved because of this? will she be ok with the other 3 cats? The vet told me she would be ok and so did my brother and his gf. But I guess its just that I want her back!!!!

I love that cat so much that I even contiplated leaving in Feb. and get my own place if my friend cant move out longer than 5 months. I want my kitten back! Help me understand if she will be ok, and what she may be thinking or feeling??? Will she be mad at me when I go see her or run up to me in hopes she will remember me and miss me. Help me cope and help a newbie pet/cat lover to understand and if things wil be fine. But once we do move out we would get a place that will allow pets. I am almost thinking now to get my own place just so I can have her back! what is your advice and point of view?
I will miss her when I got to bed and realize she wont be climbingup to cuiddle with me and play. I miss her dearly!!! Everytime I think about her I lose my composure. Will the other cats and her get along ok even when they hissed at one another? She is ina good clean home with other kittens..Will she forget me or be angry with me what?

Thanks, for listening to my novel!!

She does not feel betrayed, but she is confused and more than likely missing you a lot. I am so sorry that there isn't anyway the two of you could be together. I think you both need each other a lot right now, and this five month separation is going to be hard on her and you. Is there anyway you can have her at all? Smuggle her in maybe? I don't know, she is just so young and her world (and yours) has been tipped upside down.

I hope they are not putting her in with the other cats right away. There needs to be an adjustment time where she is in a room away from the other cats until they acclimate to her arrival and smell. I would suggest you invest in a snugglekittie if you can. And send over a dirty sock every now and again for them to put into the belly of the snugglekittie so your kitten knows you are close.

I am again so sorry- for you, and for this kitten


http://www.snuggleme.com/index.html

Hi, I'm going to differ with Hissy on this one - even though I otherwise think her answers are terrific as she really knows almost everything about cats. However, I've had many cats over a very long time and I think in this case that while Hissy is right when she said the cat was crying over the disruption and changes in your old place, I'm not sure she's going to 'miss' you in the same way we experience those feelings. Because nature is pretty tough (as you've learned!), animals are made to deal with it a lot better than us, and while we see a plaintive mewing kitty who's 'unhappy', the kitten might just be exercising it's cuteness factor to get lunch! Of course she liked being with you and playing, but please don't think she's still crying her heart out like a person... she's much too busy figuring out how to manage in her new home, and where the food is (#1 priority!), and the box, etc. They are designed to pull at your heart so they will get to eat, to play, stay warm, etc., but as I certainly have discovered, warm snuggles can just as often lead to growling and scratches (from some perceived wrong move on our parts, or lack of instantly feeding them 'because they're being loving/cute'), and you can't imagine what happened to your little angel! They're animals, which is mostly good, but they're not people and smart and sweet as they may seem, if they have emotions similar to ours, I think they're generally directed at other cats, if at all, and only used on us to get what they need (as well as have fun, stay warm, etc.). It's not calculated consciously, but if it weren't like that, they probably would no longer be around either. I love my cats more than ANYthing in the world, and most of the time they seem to love me back, but I also know that when push comes to shove, their first instincts are about their safety, hunger, cold, etc., and they don't pine like dogs do. Don't worry, she'll still be there for you when the time comes and won't remember what happened (certainly not blame you for it), is probably making new friends right now, will maybe appear wary when she sees you again, but you can develop a new relationship at that time.

My sister-in-law was in a similar situation where she lost her apartment and had to give her cat to a friend who had other cats in the house. She is convinced that her cat missed her because the cat is far cuddlier and needier than she was before she was rehomed. (I believe they were separated for six months or so.) Even when my sister-in-law was in the hospital having a baby and didn't come home for four days, the cat was acting depressed most of the time except when my brother put the phone up to the cats ear to hear her mom's voice. I'm with Hissy on this one. Cats do form a bond with their owners and miss them when their away. If you can't find a way to smuggle your kitty in, then try to work out an arrangement where you can visit her as often as possible.

There's truth in both the viewpoints expressed here. No, cats don't think exactly like people do -- your kitty is not brooding over your unfaithful ways and vowing never to trust a human again. :-)

Nor is she going to be angry at you when you go to take her back, though she may not immediately remember you or your smell. It may take a little while to get reacquainted, and she will not understand that you're taking her home -- she'll probably be frightened and resist leaving the house she is now becoming accustomed to. If so, don't let that worry you or hurt your feelings... it's natural, and it doesn't necessarily mean she won't be thrilled to find herself living with you again.

But even though kittycat thought processes are somewhat different from ours, we often behave similarly. Cats very often DO "pine" just like dogs. Whether they do so because they're feeling an abstract emotion like love or simply because they're afraid no one else will come along to feed them, we don't really know.

And I, for one, don't care.

If it looks like love,
feels like love,
and meows like love,
I call it love
and I'm grateful for it.


Now, down to the concrete issue here: should you wait, or try to find a place where you can have your kitty now? Well... just like humans, animals tend to reflect the atmosphere in which they live, and that's especially true for a young kitty like yours. The more time your kitty spends in this other home, the more her personality will be shaped by that situation, rather than by her life with you. So in a few months, she may be fairly different from the way she is now, and that suggests that you ought to try to get her back immediately.

On the other hand, if your circumstances really don't allow you to reasonably make that move at this point, you don't need to feel guilty about it. You say she's in a good home where she will be loved and cared for, and that's what matters. She will almost certainly adjust to her new situation and be perfectly happy there.

So if you can't have her back right now, I think you should look at it this way: you and this kitty found each other by happy accident, and you both gained from it -- she had the comfort and pleasure of a caring owner during an especially critical period in her young life; and you learned some good things about yourself and your own capacity for love.

So even if you find that, by the time you are able to go get your kitty, she is more suited to her new home and would be happier staying there, that's okay -- you have each served a wonderful purpose in the other's life.

And if that happens, what you must do is go down to the nearest shelter and fall in love again!

All the very best wishes to you and your kitty. Please let us know how things turn out...

I agree with Carol. Your cat is okay where she is, and she'd be fine with you too. As long as she is in a good, loving home, she is going to be happy and okay. So really, what you want is of great significance here.

If you would be happier to have her back, and soon, then by all means take steps to make that possible.

Larke, I will have to disagree with you a little here.

I know cats who DO pine. My Mum's cat Bridget gets pissed if you leave her alone for the day! If you go away for a week, she pines and gets stressed and gets stress gunk on her chin (kind of like ezcema). When you come back, she's annoyed at you for a few days and then it all goes back to normal.

Hyperspazz. I feel so sorry for you. Bad enough what that woman did to you but now you have to leave your kitty behind!!! At least you can be happy that she will have a good home with your brother.

If you want her to remember you as such, then talk to her over the phone. When you are speaking with your brother, get him to hold the phone to her ear and you talk to her!! Trust me it works! My Mum's cat talks to me over the phone all the time! And Hissy is right, send a dirty sock or two occasionally to let her know you are still there.

Do you normally wear a cologne or deoderant around her? Because you could get your brother to spray some on a t-shirt and put that in her sleeping box to make her more settled.

If you are able to find a place where you can have her then by all means move. But as you are in a more difficult situation being wheelchair bound, then take your time to make sure you get the right place. I'm sure your baby will be fine for a little while with the other cats at your brothers place.

Good luck!!! Let us know how you get on!

O.k., I've gotta ask WHY a dirty sock?

And Hissy is right, send a dirty sock or two occasionally to let her know you are still there.

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Why not a shirt that you've worn?Remember, I'm new to this kitten Mom thing.

I am so sorry that you've had to re-home your baby.I am praying that something works out for you and you can have your baby with you once again.

Oh, I was just trying to make the guy feel better! He truly sounded so sad, and I thought if I put things into perspective it might help him not to feel guilty, or whatever. I sure don't think it helps to emphasize that the kitten could feel sad as well, and I honestly do believe most of what I said anyhow. We tend to read an awful lot of 'people' emotion, etc. into our animals' behaviour, but it isn't always comparable.

The only input i can give is when i just had Rosie. I went abroad 2 years ago for a week at christmas and put her in the cattery that she had been in the previous year with no problems.

Upon my return Anne the owner of the cattery said " She's missed you and stayed hidden under her blanket for practically the whole week!"

It took a good week of love and attention to get Rosie back into her routine with me again and she was so clingy, and i vowed after that i would never leave her like that again, and should i go away i'll make plans for a neighbour to go in and check on them because it really stressed her out and broke my heart

I hope you can be with her soon

How do you know she was 'missing' you, and not just her familiar surroundings and routine? You can take people away from a home, leave the cat, and she'll be fine (more or less), but take the cat away and she has fits. Cats are geared to their environment, familiar dishes, smells, places, and people are quite secondary except as creatures to jiggle toys for them, provide soft laps and shell out their food. Sure there can be a cuddly 'relationship', but don't anthropomorphize all kinds of things onto it that may not be there.

Yes obviously the different surroundings etc.. had something to do with it, but i know when i get in on an evening my two, especially Sophie who starts to purr as soon as i open their door and can't stop headbutting at my legs, and thats just after being at work for 8 hours!.

So it looks like she missed me

Wow, Thanks for all the advice. Reading all this made me cry again. Yeah I planned on sending something to her with my cologne or give my brother my cologne to keep. I tried to call him yesterday since he said he be home. No answer. Thats one thing that concerns me is that He is too busy and his girlfriend that they wont have time for me to come over. Even my mom had said the same thing. Where I am at now I am with a good friend I have known for 20 something years but I just am not happy here at all. I cant call it home because I didnt get the place with him like I did with my ex. And its not very handicap accessible. I think in ways as he brought up. He is using me to save money to spend more on things he wants as he keeps bringing up and that he is lonely so he would like to have me around. That I can understand. But I just feel living on my own with my pet it would make me happier and would prove to myself that I dont need to be living with someone. I am very stubborn and independent. There is a lot I can do and things I cant. Thats when I ask for help. I am not too proud to ask, but instead try to do it myself first. Back to the kitten situation. I cant stop thinking about her. My family told me once if your not happy fix it. Well IM trying to and one of my sisters who was ina similiar situation as I was years ago that had to give up her dog. Said that she was hurt for a long time but got over it. As I sent her an email saying how I felt and what I feel was best for me, I also mentioned that I was tired of losing something that I get attached to or fall in love with. Whether its a relationship or a pet. THis is the first pet I have ever had and been wanting a pet. More or less a dog. Damn cat grew on me and now I need her back!! My friends place here has a sign out infront for rent. I am going to call today when I go do errands with my mom. And act like I am looking for a place (which I am) But I cant here not accessible. But just to ask if they accept pets that I have a small kitten. If he says no.. then ok. I dont think my friend would lie because he does love cats too. But i will not go against a lease just to get my pet back. I would love to, but someone else here got kicked out because they smuggled a cat in. If they say yes we can. I will tell my friend that my nephew who he heard that wants to move and asked about this place the other day as he knows too. Say that he called about the apartment because he wants to move. My friend who I live with also knows my nephew has a cat. If I tell my roomie that my nephew was told he could hvae a cat. I am going to say that shes either coming to live here. Or I have to find a place of my own. Not just for the cat and I, but for a lot of reasons.
yeah I miss her terribly. I thought about it long and hard last night as I layed down and thought I am not upset over what my ex did to me.. PISSED yes!!! But not depressed its over with. ACtually it was a GOD SENT if you knew what I dealt with. But I said I got to be depressed because I want my cat. I know thats what it is. I aint a happy person right now. And I if i cant get her back rightnow I may have to go on antidepressants. I am going to talk to my mom and see if there is something that can be done. I know with the holidays around the corner and winter approaching. And my limited income that it will be hard for me to find a place right now. I thank you all for your advice and for responding to my post. I will keep in touch.

I would agree that our kitties miss us personally. I receive such overwhelming grettings of love when having been out of the house for only a short while. I don't feel they're disturbed about their routine having been interrupted, but rather, they have missed their Mommy! If I go outside even to simply check the mail, my girls stand at the door meowing nonstop until I return. I love my girls and feel they truly love me and would miss me terribly should they suddenly find themselves without me.

Originally Posted by dawnofsierra

I would agree that our kitties miss us personally... :

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Absolutely no doubt in my mind. We've been conditioned to think there's this great divide between humans and "the lower animals," and that we humans are the only ones who feel true emotions. But the scientific reality is that the animal kingdom is a continuum, and the differences among species are differences in degree, not in quality.

There was an experiment done years ago, in the 1960s, I believe, that applies here. (It has not been widely repeated, for reasons that will become obvious.) The experiment involved bonobos, small animals similar to chimpanzees. Researchers built two adjacent cages. One was wired to deliver an electric shock to the bonobo inside it; the other allowed a second bonobo to receive a food treat by pressing the button that delivered that shock.

The question was whether one bonobo would inflict pain on the other in order to receive the treat. At first, with very mild shocks, they did so.

But as the researchers increased the intensity, the bonobos being shocked began to show clear signs of pain and fear. The bonobos delivering the shocks became reluctant, and eventually refused to press the button regardless of how hungry they were.

But here's the truly remarkable thing: when the bonobos who had RECEIVED serious shocks were given the opportunity to DELIVER shocks to the bonobos who had shocked them, they were FAR MORE RELUCTANT, and their refusal began when the intensity was at a much lower level.

Some researchers expected the animals who had suffered torture to be eager to retaliate for the pain they had endured -- but instead, those animals chose NOT to inflict pain upon others.

Clearly, "the lower animals" are capable of higher emotions like empathy and mercy. In this experiment, the bonobos showed greater humanity than many humans do (particularly the humans who devised and carried out such a horrifying, if revealing, experiment).

So... we may (MAY) be the most intellectually gifted lifeform on our planet, but we are not necessarily superior in the area of what we egocentrically call "humanitarianism." In fact, there is every reason to believe that the love we sense from our companion animals is absolutely real.

And Larke, I suspect your cats love you more than you realize! :-)

I foster cats. No, cats don't like change. Yes, I would say if you were in a house with other people, including kids, and they kitten chose you, it truly loves you. Yes she will miss you, but she will be fine. Ideally, you would have a chunk of money to purchase your own home. Ideally, I could keep every unwanted cat I foster, but neither one of those is going to happen.

Your kitty is ok. Like a child in daycare, she is not in your ideal situation, but you have provided well for her. Maybe she will fall in love there, but most likely it will be best if you can get her back in a few months.

Catlovers know that there are cats and there are cats. I have had cats all my life, but never felt that extreme relationship that you are describing. To me, it sounds like you met your kitty soul mate. That is a rare occurence. Do what you can to continue the relationship while she lives elsewhere, and be happy when you can get her back.

My 9 y/o dd has that relationship with Garfield. He has slept in bed with her every night since we got him, except if she is having a sleepover elsewhere. Then he happily sleeps with 6 y/o ds. The past few weeks, 22 y/o dd has been visiting, and since she is home all day, Garfield has taken her as his own. All day and all night he cuddles with her, and loves on her. But every night when the 9 y/o goes to bed, Gar jumps in bed with her for an hour, until she goes to sleep. He loves everyone he ever meets, but 9 y/o Lexie is his first and main true love.

My hope is your kitty is like Gar, and will be fine away from you. (What's the song? If you can't be with the one you love, then love the one you're with!) But she will still prefer you when you visit, and when you are able to bring her home.

Welcome to being a cat-dude.

Thank you Becky for a terrific letter. You seemed to understand Hyperspazz's feelings and addressed them really well. Hopefully it will all turn out well for both of them.

Its me again. I read a lot of the replys and I must say that its nice to hear people who want to help in being supportive and help you understand in time of need. I will clarify a few things right now as far as my problems go. Yeah right now I am in a slump and hurting. But, I am not that bad off where I have to seek professional counseling. For my ex leaving me I am happy now that it IS over. To me if someone craps on me that bad no matter how much I love them I tend to get over them quicker than if they left on good terms. So, I am over her I just dont like HOW she did it. I dont like being lied to and played a fool. One reason I got with her is because she WAS a good mom, and she always would make me feel like I could do anything if I put my mind to it even when I didnt think I could. But once we got a place it didnt take long before she made it sound like I couldnt do much and had her ex come over to do things for us. Made me feel cheap, low and like total crap and useless.. But hey I am over her and I dont want nothing to do with her and I would like to thank her for leaving. Only if you knew what went on and what she did, you all probably would want to beat her butt but she isnt worth it. So I am not depressed about that, yes it sucks, but right now im just depressed about my cat.

Now for the updated information: So far I had talked to my mom and my sister and they both said if I want to move out they will do whatever it takes right now for me to get a place and settled. So we are working on that right now. Also I talked to my brother the other day, it seems Princess has adapted pretty good so far and one or 2 of the cats have taken a liking to her. He said as I was calling him that she was in the window looking out with his cat butterfinger. Then he said that my cat was giving his cat a bath. He said what if we dont want to let her go? I said you have 3 cats I have none. You knew the agreement dont matter shes coming with me. It will be sooner than expected anyways. However, when i do move I will get a second cat so she has a companion too. I did take one of the replys I got advice and had my brother put the phone to princess's ear and talked to her. He told me she pawed at the phone and meowed and she sounded excited and her ears perked up. He invited me over this Sunday all day to spend the day there with my cat and them. Come oooon Sunday.
There are many reasons besides getting my cat why I want to move out at least for awhile on my own. But thats a whole new forum and doesnt involve cats of any sort. So until then I will check back on the wonderful replys and let you know how things turn out.

Oh, that's good to hear! Not only are you making progress in resettling your life, you're sounding considerably happier, too! Woohoo! :-)

Please keep us updated...we're all wishing you the very best. And give Princess a snuggle for us!

Don't worry about him saying he wants to keep her. If she is the adorable kitty you say, and his kitty's are cleaning her (which is a great sign), of course they will want her. That means she is part of the family while she is there. She can still come back to you, just keep reminding them that while you are happy they can help out by welcoming her into their family, she needs to come home as soon as possible.

Good luck on your growing independence. Enjoy your visit Sunday.