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I really need some support right now. - Page 3

post #61 of 155
Thread Starter 
My friend ended up not spending the night last night, but I did manage to sleep. This morning has been the worst though. I'm still in that phase where all I want is for things to go back to the way they were. It just hurts so much everytime I realize that I have no idea when I'm going to see him again. He had told me when we broke up that he would talk to me in a few days, and now I'm just wondering when that will be. I know he'll want to just talk on IM, but I'm not going to let that happen. It's not fair for him to not have to at least hear my voice, and so much is misinterpreted when done over the computer. I'm just still in so much shock and I just really miss having him around. He wasn't just my boyfriend of so many years but he was one of my best friends. Apparently he hasn't really been telling anyone. The only friend that knew was his roommate. One of our mutual friends came over last night and he had no idea what had happened, and he had even been at his place earlier that day for dinner! Once my friends and I told him he told us that at the dinner table Brendan had said something about being in a really hard place or something like that, but that he wouldn't continue on saying it wasn't appropriate for the dinner table. It just sounds like he's so confused and so am I! I just want some clarity and answers as to why he would drop a 3.5 year relationship over something like this. I mean according to him he's in a weird place and a tough spot...none of this makes sense to me. Thanks again for your support,and thank you for just letting me get all of this out on here.
post #62 of 155
Sorry to hear that you are having another bad day. The way it sounds he's also very upset too. I hope that you two are able to talk things through.
post #63 of 155
Katherine, thanks for checking in with us. I was just about to ask how you were today.
It really helps to have people around when your heart is heavy. When my ex-husband left me it helped a lot when my friends could stay. Sorry your friend couldn't stay last night. It might sound crazy (no - not here it won't), but Oliver was a great comfort. We both missed my ex and it helped to be with each other.
Maybe you and Waffle can do the same for each other.
post #64 of 155
Awww Katherine! Whatever you do don't ring him and start asking why?, because that'll just push him further away

Are you sure his friend didn't know anything when he went to dinner?!.

And i agree with Rockcat because when me and my bf split Rosie made it a pleasure to come home, so take comfort from Waffle
post #65 of 155
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by rosiemac
Awww Katherine! Whatever you do don't ring him and start asking why?, because that'll just push him further away

Are you sure his friend didn't know anything when he went to dinner?!.

And i agree with Rockcat because when me and my bf split Rosie made it a pleasure to come home, so take comfort from Waffle
I'm positive that he didn't know. A couple of his other friends have told me that he's really not talked about it at all. I don't understand that. Why has he been keeping it to himself? I just wish I had the comfort of knowing that he's having a hard time without me as well, and that he misses me. I miss him so much and it just hurts to not know what he's feeling. It almost seems like there's a part of him that would want to be with me, but then a bigger part that's telling him he should just be alone. When he broke up with me he told me that he only wanted to have to think about today, and not tomorrow, and of course in a relationship you have to consider tomorrow. I just miss having him by my side.
post #66 of 155
i just want to put my two cents worth , ben hasnt been home for days now, and teufel is missing him like crazy, he will sleep in his chair, meow around sleep in his bed sometimes i think he is taking it harder than i am
post #67 of 155
When me and my bf split i couldn't understand or get to know the real reason myself, but i knew his mother was involved in it because his family lived 400 mile away and they hated him being where i was.

The last thing i said to him was "have you never thought about us?!", and his words were " Susan thats all i've been doing! ", and thats all i wanted to hear because i know he'll never forget me just as i won't him because we had some good times together.

I know i'm a strong person but i am human at the end of the day so it still upset me because we were together for 5 years, but i would never beg him or any man to stay, and i know you havent, but thats why i'm asking you not to ring him.

Your grieving, and i bet you feel like he's died because thats what a breakup is similar too.

Trust me Katherine, whatever happens you will get through this i promise you
post #68 of 155
Sounds like the man is working through some STUFF! I agree with what others have said - don't call, don't IM, nothing if you can help it. He needs to think this through, and really get a feeling of what life without you is. I wonder sometimes if we make ourselves too available it does just push them away...

I was listening to the radio this morning about some sort of book on survivng breakups. The author of this book said no contact for 60 days - it will help save face and give you a chance to detox, if that is what you need to do. Let him find you, since he is the one with some sort of crisis.

Now, I do realize that you want to be understanding and you just want him back, but think about this...a good life partner deals with issues WITH you, not alone! If he does come back and he does this again, it's a red flag. You are not responsible for his actions nor are you responsible for understanding everything he's going through all the time - he also needs to understand that you are hurting and that he hurt you badly by running. If he does not get it, then he is not for you.

I am the queen of running...my husband put that to a stop quick when he made me aware of how hellish it was for him to be left in my dust!

Please do not think that I am dissing you or your ex or anybody. I think sometimes we "feeling" people have a hard time advocating for ourselves.
Like I said before, you have to love yourself as well as others, equally.

post #69 of 155
I'm sending you a PM right now!
post #70 of 155
Kat Sorry for being so late in my reply.... I am sorry to hear of your news Take care. I don't have much advice because it's only happened to me once...
post #71 of 155
Hey sweetie - you know sometimes all a relationship needs is a little "down-time" just to balance the equilibrium a bit. Rune and I have been together for 4 years... perhaps a little longer and even though it was a distance relationship, we had a whole year's down-time. And that sorted things out. Perhaps you're right in saying that this has come as a surprise for him as well - even though it seems he's been doing a lot of thinking. Perhaps the thinking has just tipped that balance a bit. Take some time to kick back and relax and have some "you" time. If you can both do that, maybe the air will clear. Chin up babe,
post #72 of 155
Katherine, sorry you're having a rough day today. I agree with the others...don't call him or anything. You both need some time apart from each other just now. Talking at this point will probably only make things worse...he's confused and you're hurt...no good can come of that. Give him some space to figure things out and yourself some time for the raw wounds to heal over a bit before you try to make any sense of it.

He may not be telling anyone because he's not sure WHAT he's doing or what he wants just now. I know that my hubby didn't tell anyone what was going on when we split up...not even his parents. In fact, a friend's father died and we attended the funeral together as if everything was still OK. He didn't want anyone to know, and I went along with it ONLY because our friend did not deserve to have our problems intruding on his grief.
post #73 of 155
Thread Starter 
You guys are so great, and your words really are so encouraging. Right now I'm dying to know when he's going to contact me, but at the same time I'm scared that when he does he might be cold to me like he was when he broke up with me because he wants to save face and be strong. All I know is that he said he'd talk to me "in a few days." I also can't help but worry about him, something all of my friends and loved ones keep getting aggravated with me for, because I know the friends he has now are likely to try to get him wasted out of his mind every night to keep his thoughts away from it.

Tomorrow I'll be heading home to my parents for the night, and then returning to Orlando to teach my group ex class on Friday. I'm not sure what my plan is for Friday yet, but I know I really don't want to be alone for more than a few minutes. My mom will be coming back on Saturday though because I definitely need to have someone sleeping with me Saturday night - the night Brendan used to spend the night.

I know I'll get through this, though right now it doesn't seem possible, I'm just struggling so much because literally a week ago Brendan pointed out a picnic spot we had picked out for when it cooled down here and had even been talking about what to get me for Christmas! This whole thing is just insane and after being such big parts of each others lives I can't bear to think of my life without him as an integral part.

I'm sorry for the continual whining but it really helps me so much to get these feelings out there, and you guys are so incredibly helpful and comforting.
post #74 of 155
Whenever you need to talk...feel free to babble away!!, it's very good for you to get all of those feelings out in the open..plus all of us are concerned about you and want to know how you are doing.
post #75 of 155
It's not whining. It's finding words to express what you feel, and sometimes that is one of the hardest parts.

Susan is right, a break up is like a mini-death. We go through the same stages of grief. But in all of it, we do come out stronger on the other side even if it takes longer than we would ever like.
post #76 of 155
Aw Katherine, big hugs for you. Be strong chick!
post #77 of 155
Thread Starter 
Brendan just called me to see how I'm doing. It was incredibly hard for me to talk to him, but at least I have some more information and I know more about how he's feeling. He told me that he's really been missing me and has cried. He asked me how I was doing and I told him that I was surviving, and when I asked him the same question he replied, "About the same." He told me that even though nothing was wrong in our relationship and that even though he was still attracted to me and thought I was still the prettiest girl he knows and everything, that something inside him had just changed and he for some reason wasn't as fully there as he used to be. He said that he doesn't want me out of his life by any means, but that we shouldn't see each other for a while because it would be too hard right now. He wants to be my friend, and at the moment I can't imagine ever just being friends. There's a part of me that wants to be around him right now because I don't want to make it easy on him. I don't want him to get over me. I asked him if he ever thought that we would get back together, and he said that he didn't know. He didn't want to say no because it could happen, and he didn't want to say because he doesn't want to get my hopes up. I made sure he knew how much he hurt me and he told me that this hasn't been easy on him either. I asked him if he thought it was going to take a long time to get over me, and he said that he thought that it owuld. He told me that he still has our pictures up and that he likes looking at them. I just still can't imagine my life without him. Completing even the simplest tasks feels like such a chore to me right now and my motivation is just down the tubes. I know it's normal to feel this way, but all I want is for us to be back the way we were. I can't keep thinking like that, I know, because it won't ever be the same...but right now it kills me to think of all of the things that we won't be doing anymore. He wasn't just my boyfriend but my best friend, and I can't imagine either of us finding anyone better suited. I'm glad to have talked to him, but I'm still wondering how long it's oging to take before I feel like I can function right again.
post #78 of 155
Originally Posted by katspixiedust
I feel like I can function right again.
.......I can´t change the things Kath...but I´m here to listen to you..... .....God bless you and Brendan too...
post #79 of 155
Katherine - hang in there!! You are doing great, considering the circumstances. Many of us have been in your shoes (to some extent), and it hurts for a long time, regardless of the outcome. Just keep eating and sleeping and talking, dear. It also may be good sometimes to keep busy and get your mind off of it a bit. Eventually "normal" will readjust itself - just give yourself time.

May I suggest a big bowl of macaroni and cheese? Fabulous comfort food ( I like to say the massive amounts of sodium in m&c helps you recover all the salt from your tears...but I'm always looking for an excuse!)

Keep us posted. I am honored that you are sharing this difficult time with all of us.

post #80 of 155
Katherine, I'm sending lots and lots of comfort vibes your way. I know how painful it is when the love of your life suddenly decides he wants to separate. You are in my prayers and I hope happiness will return to you soon.
post #81 of 155
Thread Starter 
Now that I've talked to him I keep getting the urge to call him! All of these questions that I want to ask keep swirling through my head and I just want to tell him more about how I feel! Each time I get the urge I've been contacting friends instead. This is so difficult!

My roommate gave me her perspective of what she thinks is going on. She said taht it's pretty obvious that he doesn't want a girlfriend right now. He's still young and immature and so he reacts immaturely at times in relationships. Her thought is that he's just trying to figure out who he is right now. She said that it's obvious taht he cares a whole lot about me and is really not wanting me to be out of his life, but that odds are he's going to end up hooking up with some random girls during this time while he figures himself out. Her opinion is that hooking up with these girls could potentially open him up to realize how much he really needs and wants me in the end, but that he'll have to live through these experiences and deal with these issues he's having with himself first. She's done pretty much the exact same thing a few times now and so she thinks that he understands where his head is right now, though of course only he can know for sure. Of course she doesn't think his behavior is fair, but she thinks she gets it. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens, but sometimes timing is a real pain in the behind! I honestly feel that if we were a few years older things would be at a different place right now because he'd have done his maturing and finding himself, since this break-up was not due to a loss of functioning in the relationship or a loss of caring, respect, or attraction for each other.

What a pain in the arse age this is. I get the feeling that when I'm older and looking back at my early 20's I'll be saying, "That was fun, but thank God I'll never have to go back there again!" All I want is my boyfriend back, because I am well aware of how incredible our functioning as a couple was, and I just miss him so much. Why can't the boy have just already done his maturing and gotten it over with? I get the feeling that he's going to discover that he wasn't missing out on much in pretty short order since I never stopped him from going out with his friends or anything of the sort. Whether or not he'll come back to me after he realizes taht is a totally different story, but at this point I wish he would.

Any thoughts or words of comfort? You all have just been so incredible so far.
post #82 of 155
Katherine, there's one piece of advice I'm certain of, and that is do NOT cave. Calling him now would be the worst mistake for a future between the two of you. I know this from plenty of personal experience.

As I mentioned in a previous post, keep yourself busy and get to know who YOU are, and hang out with your friends. He is obviously interested in exploring unchartered territory. It's only fair and right for you to do the same. Good luck.
post #83 of 155
I think your roommate is correct in her assessment of the situation. BN (before Neil) the boy/man I was going out with for a yr or two (its been over 25 yrs ago) I thought he was the one. I was working and he was going to grad school. But he would go back home more and more often and I wasn't invited. He was hanging around some girls he new as an undergrad. Then too he wasn't working and had a large student loan and was spending it pretty freely-a portable bar!! He had more shoes than I did!!
I don't remember the breakup anymore but it was tough for a while however I had been seeing the writing on the wall. I figure if I would have married him we would have been in serious debt and who knows what else.
So hang in there wait and see what happens -take one day at a time!!
post #84 of 155
Originally Posted by vespacat
Katherine, there's one piece of advice I'm certain of, and that is do NOT cave. Calling him now would be the worst mistake for a future between the two of you. I know this from plenty of personal experience.

As I mentioned in a previous post, keep yourself busy and get to know who YOU are, and hang out with your friends. He is obviously interested in exploring unchartered territory. It's only fair and right for you to do the same. Good luck.
Sometimes boys really do suck.

It honestly sounds like he doesn't know WHAT he really does want right now. He wants to be "free" of a girlfriend, but keep you on a string as "a friend"...NO you can't be "just friends"...it's WAY too late to go there. Why do guys always say that?

Hang in there, Katherine, and give him PLENTY of space to realize how it'll be without you. Believe me, it's going to take him a L O N G time to get over you, especially once he realizes what he's done.

As far as how long it'll take...it'll take as long as it takes. Don't try to set any expectations on yourself as far as that goes. As the others have said, it IS a death of something that meant a great deal to you. I'll take some time to get over it, but you will. And who knows what other wonderful things fate has in store for you for the future. (There was a time when I felt I couldn't live without my ex-fiancee. Then I met my husband...who's 20 times more wonderful than my ex ever was.) We'll all be here for you no matter how long it takes...and your family and friends will, too.

Here's another quote for you for today: "Always know in your heart that you are far bigger than anything that can happen to you." -Dan Zandra
post #85 of 155
Awww hon! I'm so sorry I'm just catching up on this. I think everyone has given you good advice and you have a good head on your shoulders! Stay strong!

I know this is not the exact same thing, but a few months after my husband and I started dating I panicked a bit. We were getting really comfortable around each other and what not. Then suddenly I felt panicked. I didn't really know why. I started getting moody and pushing him away. Then one night a friend of mine called and basically said 'what are you doing you idiot? Your gonna loose him!' So I got my tail to his (now our) house. I still didn't fully get over whatever it was for a few weeks but I eventually did. We were both still young. I'm only 2 years older than you. (Your 21 right? ) I'm still not sure why that happend. The only thing I can figure is that everything was so new to me I just felt overwhelmed. Since you've been together so long I'm not thinking that is exactly the case. But maybe because hes at sort of a new stage of adulthood he is thinking somewhat different and that could be confusing/scaring/etc him.

Keep your head up! Rant away on here!
post #86 of 155
Thread Starter 
Thanks for the support! I'm actually 22, but Brendan JUST turned 21 a couple of weeks ago.
post #87 of 155
I a sorry!!! I personally think everything happens for a reason... I see you guys getting back together!!! You let me know! I can feel it!!
post #88 of 155
Thread Starter 
Mornings are the absolute worst. I wake up and it's like it hits me so hard and all I can feel is the tightness in my chest and the fear that I can never have those things with him that we had before. It's really when I feel the absolute lowest.

Last night I went over to my brother's place and he and his wife took me out to dinner and then watched a movie. I really appreciated them doing that for me, but it was so hard to have a good time. I'm trying my best though, I really am. Pretty soon I'm going to be driving back to Orlando so that I can teach a group ex class but the thought of having to teach when I feel like this is painful. Right now I'm really wishing that my mom was going to be coming over today. I told her not to come until Saturday though because I'm going to dinner and a movie with my friends Luke and Lauren tonight. Now I'm wishing that I hadn't agreed to do anything and that my mom could just come and hold me all day instead. I know I need to get out and everything, but it takes so much effort right now. Hopefully my roommate will be around during the afternoon because I don't want to be around my apartment alone. The weekend is going to be the absolute hardest though. Saturday I have to work at the visitation center and still have to teach 2 classes in the afternoon, classes that Brendan always used to come too. Those are going to be so difficult to get through and I'm already scared of having to do them. My mom promised that she'd be at my place shortly after I was done at the visitation center so at least she'll be there. Saturday night is when Brendan used to spend the night and I know that that night will be the hardest. My mom will be leaving sometime Sunday afternoon, and then I'll be heading to work. When I get back I'm going to a mystery dinner theater show with Tiffany's family, but again I don't want to be going, I'm just doing it because I know that I should. All that I want is to be spending time with him. I want this horrible thing to have disappeared and for us to be back the way we used to be.

I've wanted to call him so badly all night. Now that he's called me once it's been so hard to fight the urge. I want to hear his voice, I want him to change his mind, I want to ask him more questions...I just don't want this to be happening. It still feels like some really awful nightmare. I know I shouldn't call him, that way he'll be able to see that I'm being strong about this, but this whole thing is just overwhelming. I know he's missing me and doing the same things I am -- keeping busy and just taking each moment at a time -- but that's just not enough. I feel like I want to keep hearing him say how much he misses me. I'm really so afraid of him getting over me. I want him in my day-to-day life so badly. It's so hard to not be able to call him a couple of times a day or at night to say goodnight. It's just hard to function knowing that this is something that he wanted for himself. I just feel like we could have worked through it together, but I guess he's at a place in his life where he needs to discover himself by himself. It's obvious that the last thing he wants is for me to be out of his life permanently, but he doesn't know if he'll want me in his life as his girlfriend again...when that's all that I want. I get the feeling that if we tried to be friends we'd always have a mutual attraction going on. I just don't want to have to get over him, I want him to realize that life without me sucks and that he really made the wrong decision.

This morning is obviously really hard for me. Thanks for listening yet again you guys.
post #89 of 155
post #90 of 155
Katherine, one thing you could try to do is write him when you feel the need to call. Write a letter. A LONG letter, with everything you want to ask him and to tell him. Just keep adding to it. But write to him like you are talking to him, even though you know you won't get the answers you're looking for. Allow yourself to sob to him, scream at him (when that time comes, and trust me, it will), scowl at him, and forgive him.

One thing though...don't sent it. (I made that mistake once...I sent the letter. All 20+ pages of it. It was returned unopened - now THAT was a heartbreaker!)

There's a line from the movie "Somebody Like You" that I keep thinking of whenever I think of what you're going through. "Jane, Ray is not the last man you'll ever love." But I'll amend it: Katherine, Brandon may not be the last man you'll ever love. And if he doesn't come back, I guarantee that he won't be the last man you'll ever love who will love you back twice as much!
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