What is wrong with me?

creepyowl · Sep 20, 2005

It seems the older the get the more anti social I'm becoming.

I'll be thirty in January and I'm single. I don't go out. My friends ask me to go out, but I always come up with an excuse not to go, or I go and leave early.

Last weekend I was visiting my best friend in Georgetown. She had a baseball tournement all day Saturday and when she came back she brought her team over for a little party.
I don't really know the people on her team. I'd met a couple from previous visits, but as I was sitting there, I realized I had nothing really to say to these people. I ended up going to bed with a "headache" where I talked on my cell phone with a friend of mine for 45 mins before going to sleep.

I think back on incidents like this one and I don't understand what is the matter. I don't think Jen's baseball team were bad people or mean in anyway, or wouldn't accept me. I just feel anti social.

I'm afraid if I keep this up I'll become agoraphobic and will die alone.

AbbysMom · Sep 20, 2005

Could it be that as you get older you are sick of the "social scene". If I went into a dance club right now, I would run out screaming, but I wouldn't have had a problem when I was younger.

evnshawn · Sep 20, 2005

Maybe it's just your personality. Some people like to do things alone; as long as your life is balanced, there's nothing wrong with enjoying your own company. I do.

Some people would rather have a few friends they are close to than lots of people around all the time.

I think the not going out thing is a normal part of aging. You're not a kid. You know who you like. Unless you feel anxious when you are out and/or can't talk to people you don't know well, I wouldn't worry too much about it.

lizk729 · Sep 20, 2005

You know I get to be the same way. Im 34 and I find myself at functions wishing I could go home because I just dont "want" to chat with these people I hardly know. Maybe as we grow older we just dont want to put forth the effort to get to know new people. I enjoy greatly my friendships with my current friends and sometimes thats just enough for me....
Liz

creepyowl · Sep 20, 2005

Originally Posted by evnshawn

Unless you feel anxious when you are out and/or can't talk to people you don't know well, I wouldn't worry too much about it.

That is the thing. It takes me a LONG time to warm up to someone enough to talk with them normally. So when I'm around people I don't know I'm very nervous and I can't make conversation.

I'm just worried that if I don't socialize more then I'll never meet anyone new and I'll die alone!

cheeseface · Sep 20, 2005

I think back on incidents like this one and I don't understand what is the matter. I don't think Jen's baseball team were bad people or mean in anyway, or wouldn't accept me. I just feel anti social.

I think groups of people do an excellent job of ignoring a person they don't know in the group. It's not always a mean thing, but not very considerate either in my opinion. You might have enjoyed yourself more if you knew more about those people or if they made an effort to get to know you. You could also have made an effort to join in on some conversation, but I find that most people just talk amongst themselves rather than make an effort to make someone new who was invited to the event feel welcome.

emb_78 · Sep 20, 2005

Originally Posted by Creepyowl

That is the thing. It takes me a LONG time to warm up to someone enough to talk with them normally. So when I'm around people I don't know I'm very nervous and I can't make conversation.

I'm just worried that if I don't socialize more then I'll never meet anyone new and I'll die alone!

Try chat rooms. I am the same way, but I can sure talk on the computer!!!

miss mew · Sep 20, 2005

Originally Posted by emb_78

Try chat rooms. I am the same way, but I can sure talk on the computer!!!

How true!!, don't worry about the way other people say you should behave! I'm not into the big crowd scene myself

yosemite · Sep 20, 2005

I tend to be somewhat the same, but Ryan has a point about making an effort to integrate yourself. I am naturally shy and I have a hard time warming up to new people and I've found that often they are just as nervous or hesitant or as shy as I am. Once I get to know you, it's hard to shut me up though.

I also prefer to be at home whether it's alone, with family or friends. I'm just more comfortable here and very content.

me-n-my guys · Sep 20, 2005

Originally Posted by lizk729

You know I get to be the same way. Im 34 and I find myself at functions wishing I could go home because I just dont "want" to chat with these people I hardly know. Maybe as we grow older we just dont want to put forth the effort to get to know new people. I enjoy greatly my friendships with my current friends and sometimes thats just enough for me....
Liz

I'm getting like that, too! It's like the older you get, the less time you want to waste on B.S. I don't do very well with small talk & usually avoid situations like that. If I suddenly found myself single again, it wouldn't bother me as much to be alone as it did when I was 20-there would be plenty to occupy me at home, & I wouldn't have the heart to deal with the bar scene at all, it seems so empty.

KitEKats4Eva! · Sep 20, 2005

I don't think there's anything wrong with you. I am 30, too, and start to feel as I get older that going out and making the small talk just seems like too much of an effort!! Isn't that terrible? I love meeting new people and making new friends, but I like it to be in a situation that I'm happy in - at my house or at a friend's house in a small gathering. The thought of going out to socialise / meet people in a pub or something like that just makes me want to get into my pyjamas and go to bed!!

Are you satisfied and happy with the friends you have? What you said about going to bed and talking on the phone with someone for 45 minutes makes me think you obviously have people you do like to hang out with, and you spent a weekend with your best friend so you obviously like being with them and do make an effort.

Sometimes the friends we have are all we need, and when you get older if you do meet new friends it's because you instantly clicked without the need for small talk which no one is interested in anyway!!

The only thing I would suggest is starting to make a bit more of an effort with your own friends - stop making `excuses' - go to one out of every two things you're invited to to start with. Socialising is much like any other thing - the less you do the less you want to do, the more you do the more you want to do. You have got into a habit that you need to break, but you also need to assess your needs and go with that. If you have concerns about having no friends left you need to make more of an effort with the ones you have - and once you're back in the habit you'll feel more comfortable with doing it.

But don't feel bad about yourself - I think what you're going through is a completely normal and natural progression of growing up.

PS - Also, how have you been lately in terms of your health? Sometimes if you're not very well you can be much less inclined to spend time with people - friends or otherwise.

rosehawke · Sep 20, 2005

You know, I've been thinking about this lately. I think that as most (most, by no means all) people get older, they become more solitary. Although I am occasionally struck with the "I sure would like to go visit somebody" bug, it's actually pretty rare these days. Dosn't happen nearly as often as when I was in my 20's and had a group I hung out with and would call and talk for what seemed like hours and just generally socialize with. I get most of my socializing online also (actually ALL my socializing since I don't work outside the home.)

marie-p · Sep 20, 2005

I also find it hard to interact with people in a purely social situation, where people just sit around and talk. In my case it's mostly due to lack of social skills though.

What works better for me is to go for activity based settings. Find something you like to do and see if you can do it in a more social setting. That way you can interact with people if it works for you, or you can focus on the activity if you prefer. It's a good way to meet people you have something in common with.
You can try taking community classes (like drawing, painting, sewing, woodworking, languages, etc.) or take up sports or whatever else you like to do. Or do some volunteer work.

Or maybe you could form your own neighborhood Cat Owners Anonymous. It would be just like a "real life" TCS

lionessrampant · Sep 20, 2005

If it makes anyone here feel any better, I'm only 20, and although I like hanging out with my friends and having long talks and doing certain things, I HATE parties with a lot of people I don't know, I HATE staying out late, and I'm going to take a wild guess that I won't like clubbing or the bar scene too awful much. I mean, going to a big wild party once in a blue moon can be great fun, but most people my age are out there every single weekend, sometimes both nights. I much prefer my own company to that sort of lifestyle.

pushylady · Sep 20, 2005

Yeah, I hear ya! It's the whole small talk thing with me - I find it's just the same old, same old. I'm happy staying at home with my lovely husband and 2 cats!

I agree with the suggestion about making more effort with the friends you have though. It's certainly important to strengthen those friendships especially if you don't make new friends easily.

That is the thing. It takes me a LONG time to warm up to someone enough to talk with them normally. So when I'm around people I don't know I'm very nervous and I can't make conversation.

If this is becoming a real problem for you, try looking up social anxiety. I found this web site very helpful myself.

gratefulbear629 · Sep 20, 2005

Originally Posted by lionessrampant

If it makes anyone here feel any better, I'm only 20, and although I like hanging out with my friends and having long talks and doing certain things, I HATE parties with a lot of people I don't know, I HATE staying out late, and I'm going to take a wild guess that I won't like clubbing or the bar scene too awful much. I mean, going to a big wild party once in a blue moon can be great fun, but most people my age are out there every single weekend, sometimes both nights. I much prefer my own company to that sort of lifestyle.

I am 20 also.

sunnicat · Sep 21, 2005

I have always been this way. It seems as if I need the time alone to "recharge" myself, or forget facing anyone at all. Social situations usually make me tense, as I don't care for the casual small-talk. Once someone gets to know me, they realize that I'm not the hermit that I seem upon initial observation, though! I'm like my cat...I pick and choose when, how and with whom I want to share my time!

journey · Sep 21, 2005

Originally Posted by KitEKats4Eva!

I don't think there's anything wrong with you. I am 30, too, and start to feel as I get older that going out and making the small talk just seems like too much of an effort!! Isn't that terrible? I love meeting new people and making new friends, but I like it to be in a situation that I'm happy in - at my house or at a friend's house in a small gathering. The thought of going out to socialise / meet people in a pub or something like that just makes me want to get into my pyjamas and go to bed!!

Amen sister!
I also find that EVEN when i'm in a situation where I feel comfortable, like a gathering of my close friends at my house - I often have to go to the bathroom (even though I don't need to pee) and just have quiet "time out" for myself for a few minutes.

I just like to be alone most of the time.

When stuck in a situation where I don't know anyone and have to mingle, I just pretend I'm not "me". I take on my "outgoing, friendly, not shy" personna like an acting job. You know?

blueberrybeth · Sep 21, 2005

pushylady said:
Yeah, I hear ya! It's the whole small talk thing with me - I find it's just the same old, same old. I'm happy staying at home with my lovely husband and 2 cats!

I agree with the suggestion about making more effort with the friends you have though. It's certainly important to strengthen those friendships especially if you don't make new friends easily.

I'm like this too...about a year ago I went through this whole social avoidance thing, and I've figured out that I'm just not as into small talk. It really bothered me, and I moped about like "I have no friends." I was just about to get married, and freaking out, and wondered what was wrong with me. NOw that a little time has passed, I don't feel so bad about it - I do not like to hang out with people very much. But I make a point to keep my existing frienships going. And you know, I even met my husband online!

Being overly social is overrated. It's probably better to be yourself than to fake that you love people! And you will not be alone if you make it a point to socialize in a way that makes you most comfortable.

beckiboo · Sep 21, 2005

Originally Posted by Creepyowl

That is the thing. It takes me a LONG time to warm up to someone enough to talk with them normally. So when I'm around people I don't know I'm very nervous and I can't make conversation.

I'm just worried that if I don't socialize more then I'll never meet anyone new and I'll die alone!

My dd was very shy when she was little. After I brought her to meet my friends at work once when she was two, as we left the building, she was very upset and said, "I not say hi to your friends!" She just couldn't talk to people until she met them 2 or 3 times. If you have always been this way, this is just who you are. And if you are like my Lexie, you pressure yourself, increasing the anxious feeling. Maybe you just need to think real hard and come up with social situations where you do enjoy yourself!

On the other hand, one symptom of depression is isolating yourself, and lack of pleasure in usually pleasurable activities. So a person with depression my not have fun at a party, where 6 months previously they would have had fun. If this is a recent change, maybe you need to talk it through with someone. If this is just you, then it is just you. Just like my Lexie is herself!

You won't die alone! You just won't have casual acquaintances. You will have dear friends.

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