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What is wrong with me?

post #1 of 27
Thread Starter 
It seems the older the get the more anti social I'm becoming.

I'll be thirty in January and I'm single. I don't go out. My friends ask me to go out, but I always come up with an excuse not to go, or I go and leave early.

Last weekend I was visiting my best friend in Georgetown. She had a baseball tournement all day Saturday and when she came back she brought her team over for a little party.
I don't really know the people on her team. I'd met a couple from previous visits, but as I was sitting there, I realized I had nothing really to say to these people. I ended up going to bed with a "headache" where I talked on my cell phone with a friend of mine for 45 mins before going to sleep.

I think back on incidents like this one and I don't understand what is the matter. I don't think Jen's baseball team were bad people or mean in anyway, or wouldn't accept me. I just feel anti social.

I'm afraid if I keep this up I'll become agoraphobic and will die alone.
post #2 of 27
Could it be that as you get older you are sick of the "social scene". If I went into a dance club right now, I would run out screaming, but I wouldn't have had a problem when I was younger.
post #3 of 27
Maybe it's just your personality. Some people like to do things alone; as long as your life is balanced, there's nothing wrong with enjoying your own company. I do. Some people would rather have a few friends they are close to than lots of people around all the time.

I think the not going out thing is a normal part of aging. You're not a kid. You know who you like. Unless you feel anxious when you are out and/or can't talk to people you don't know well, I wouldn't worry too much about it.
post #4 of 27
You know I get to be the same way. Im 34 and I find myself at functions wishing I could go home because I just dont "want" to chat with these people I hardly know. Maybe as we grow older we just dont want to put forth the effort to get to know new people. I enjoy greatly my friendships with my current friends and sometimes thats just enough for me....
Liz
post #5 of 27
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by evnshawn
Unless you feel anxious when you are out and/or can't talk to people you don't know well, I wouldn't worry too much about it.
That is the thing. It takes me a LONG time to warm up to someone enough to talk with them normally. So when I'm around people I don't know I'm very nervous and I can't make conversation.

I'm just worried that if I don't socialize more then I'll never meet anyone new and I'll die alone!
post #6 of 27
Quote:
I think back on incidents like this one and I don't understand what is the matter. I don't think Jen's baseball team were bad people or mean in anyway, or wouldn't accept me. I just feel anti social.
I think groups of people do an excellent job of ignoring a person they don't know in the group. It's not always a mean thing, but not very considerate either in my opinion. You might have enjoyed yourself more if you knew more about those people or if they made an effort to get to know you. You could also have made an effort to join in on some conversation, but I find that most people just talk amongst themselves rather than make an effort to make someone new who was invited to the event feel welcome.
post #7 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by Creepyowl
That is the thing. It takes me a LONG time to warm up to someone enough to talk with them normally. So when I'm around people I don't know I'm very nervous and I can't make conversation.

I'm just worried that if I don't socialize more then I'll never meet anyone new and I'll die alone!
Try chat rooms. I am the same way, but I can sure talk on the computer!!!
post #8 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by emb_78
Try chat rooms. I am the same way, but I can sure talk on the computer!!!
How true!!, don't worry about the way other people say you should behave! I'm not into the big crowd scene myself
post #9 of 27
I tend to be somewhat the same, but Ryan has a point about making an effort to integrate yourself. I am naturally shy and I have a hard time warming up to new people and I've found that often they are just as nervous or hesitant or as shy as I am. Once I get to know you, it's hard to shut me up though.

I also prefer to be at home whether it's alone, with family or friends. I'm just more comfortable here and very content.
post #10 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by lizk729
You know I get to be the same way. Im 34 and I find myself at functions wishing I could go home because I just dont "want" to chat with these people I hardly know. Maybe as we grow older we just dont want to put forth the effort to get to know new people. I enjoy greatly my friendships with my current friends and sometimes thats just enough for me....
Liz
I'm getting like that, too! It's like the older you get, the less time you want to waste on B.S. I don't do very well with small talk & usually avoid situations like that. If I suddenly found myself single again, it wouldn't bother me as much to be alone as it did when I was 20-there would be plenty to occupy me at home, & I wouldn't have the heart to deal with the bar scene at all, it seems so empty.
post #11 of 27
I don't think there's anything wrong with you. I am 30, too, and start to feel as I get older that going out and making the small talk just seems like too much of an effort!! Isn't that terrible? I love meeting new people and making new friends, but I like it to be in a situation that I'm happy in - at my house or at a friend's house in a small gathering. The thought of going out to socialise / meet people in a pub or something like that just makes me want to get into my pyjamas and go to bed!!

Are you satisfied and happy with the friends you have? What you said about going to bed and talking on the phone with someone for 45 minutes makes me think you obviously have people you do like to hang out with, and you spent a weekend with your best friend so you obviously like being with them and do make an effort.

Sometimes the friends we have are all we need, and when you get older if you do meet new friends it's because you instantly clicked without the need for small talk which no one is interested in anyway!!

The only thing I would suggest is starting to make a bit more of an effort with your own friends - stop making `excuses' - go to one out of every two things you're invited to to start with. Socialising is much like any other thing - the less you do the less you want to do, the more you do the more you want to do. You have got into a habit that you need to break, but you also need to assess your needs and go with that. If you have concerns about having no friends left you need to make more of an effort with the ones you have - and once you're back in the habit you'll feel more comfortable with doing it.

But don't feel bad about yourself - I think what you're going through is a completely normal and natural progression of growing up.

PS - Also, how have you been lately in terms of your health? Sometimes if you're not very well you can be much less inclined to spend time with people - friends or otherwise.
post #12 of 27
You know, I've been thinking about this lately. I think that as most (most, by no means all) people get older, they become more solitary. Although I am occasionally struck with the "I sure would like to go visit somebody" bug, it's actually pretty rare these days. Dosn't happen nearly as often as when I was in my 20's and had a group I hung out with and would call and talk for what seemed like hours and just generally socialize with. I get most of my socializing online also (actually ALL my socializing since I don't work outside the home.)
post #13 of 27
I also find it hard to interact with people in a purely social situation, where people just sit around and talk. In my case it's mostly due to lack of social skills though.

What works better for me is to go for activity based settings. Find something you like to do and see if you can do it in a more social setting. That way you can interact with people if it works for you, or you can focus on the activity if you prefer. It's a good way to meet people you have something in common with.
You can try taking community classes (like drawing, painting, sewing, woodworking, languages, etc.) or take up sports or whatever else you like to do. Or do some volunteer work.

Or maybe you could form your own neighborhood Cat Owners Anonymous. It would be just like a "real life" TCS
post #14 of 27
If it makes anyone here feel any better, I'm only 20, and although I like hanging out with my friends and having long talks and doing certain things, I HATE parties with a lot of people I don't know, I HATE staying out late, and I'm going to take a wild guess that I won't like clubbing or the bar scene too awful much. I mean, going to a big wild party once in a blue moon can be great fun, but most people my age are out there every single weekend, sometimes both nights. I much prefer my own company to that sort of lifestyle.
post #15 of 27
Yeah, I hear ya! It's the whole small talk thing with me - I find it's just the same old, same old. I'm happy staying at home with my lovely husband and 2 cats!
I agree with the suggestion about making more effort with the friends you have though. It's certainly important to strengthen those friendships especially if you don't make new friends easily.

Quote:
That is the thing. It takes me a LONG time to warm up to someone enough to talk with them normally. So when I'm around people I don't know I'm very nervous and I can't make conversation.
If this is becoming a real problem for you, try looking up social anxiety. I found this web site very helpful myself.
post #16 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by lionessrampant
If it makes anyone here feel any better, I'm only 20, and although I like hanging out with my friends and having long talks and doing certain things, I HATE parties with a lot of people I don't know, I HATE staying out late, and I'm going to take a wild guess that I won't like clubbing or the bar scene too awful much. I mean, going to a big wild party once in a blue moon can be great fun, but most people my age are out there every single weekend, sometimes both nights. I much prefer my own company to that sort of lifestyle.

I am 20 also.
post #17 of 27
I have always been this way. It seems as if I need the time alone to "recharge" myself, or forget facing anyone at all. Social situations usually make me tense, as I don't care for the casual small-talk. Once someone gets to know me, they realize that I'm not the hermit that I seem upon initial observation, though! I'm like my cat...I pick and choose when, how and with whom I want to share my time!
post #18 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by KitEKats4Eva!
I don't think there's anything wrong with you. I am 30, too, and start to feel as I get older that going out and making the small talk just seems like too much of an effort!! Isn't that terrible? I love meeting new people and making new friends, but I like it to be in a situation that I'm happy in - at my house or at a friend's house in a small gathering. The thought of going out to socialise / meet people in a pub or something like that just makes me want to get into my pyjamas and go to bed!!
Amen sister!
I also find that EVEN when i'm in a situation where I feel comfortable, like a gathering of my close friends at my house - I often have to go to the bathroom (even though I don't need to pee) and just have quiet "time out" for myself for a few minutes.

I just like to be alone most of the time.

When stuck in a situation where I don't know anyone and have to mingle, I just pretend I'm not "me". I take on my "outgoing, friendly, not shy" personna like an acting job. You know?
post #19 of 27
[quote=pushylady]Yeah, I hear ya! It's the whole small talk thing with me - I find it's just the same old, same old. I'm happy staying at home with my lovely husband and 2 cats!
I agree with the suggestion about making more effort with the friends you have though. It's certainly important to strengthen those friendships especially if you don't make new friends easily.


I'm like this too...about a year ago I went through this whole social avoidance thing, and I've figured out that I'm just not as into small talk. It really bothered me, and I moped about like "I have no friends." I was just about to get married, and freaking out, and wondered what was wrong with me. NOw that a little time has passed, I don't feel so bad about it - I do not like to hang out with people very much. But I make a point to keep my existing frienships going. And you know, I even met my husband online!

Being overly social is overrated. It's probably better to be yourself than to fake that you love people! And you will not be alone if you make it a point to socialize in a way that makes you most comfortable.
post #20 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by Creepyowl
That is the thing. It takes me a LONG time to warm up to someone enough to talk with them normally. So when I'm around people I don't know I'm very nervous and I can't make conversation.

I'm just worried that if I don't socialize more then I'll never meet anyone new and I'll die alone!
My dd was very shy when she was little. After I brought her to meet my friends at work once when she was two, as we left the building, she was very upset and said, "I not say hi to your friends!" She just couldn't talk to people until she met them 2 or 3 times. If you have always been this way, this is just who you are. And if you are like my Lexie, you pressure yourself, increasing the anxious feeling. Maybe you just need to think real hard and come up with social situations where you do enjoy yourself!

On the other hand, one symptom of depression is isolating yourself, and lack of pleasure in usually pleasurable activities. So a person with depression my not have fun at a party, where 6 months previously they would have had fun. If this is a recent change, maybe you need to talk it through with someone. If this is just you, then it is just you. Just like my Lexie is herself!

You won't die alone! You just won't have casual acquaintances. You will have dear friends.

post #21 of 27
I believe Ihave also gotten more solitary as I age. At work for instance there is no one within 7 yrs of my age. Mainly younger and all they do is babble on endlessly about their kids. Well only 7 more days of listening to that.
I belong to some garden groups but haven't gone to meetings this summer as I have been too busy.
I don't have a problem of talking to people as I've taught a number of garden classes over the years.
Back in 1999 I went to England with a local group of gardeners and I didn't really no anyone on the trip when I started. Now 6 yrs later while I don't see lots of the people very often our friendships are still intact!!
But I'm okay-I'll call my mom or my sister if I need to talk to someone really badly!!
At this stage in my life I was getting burnt out from my job and really believe that my life will be changing for the better starting next month.
So find an activity you like-join a club!!!
post #22 of 27
I don't think you're strange. I'm 23 and would much rather stay at home with my DB, and May, than go out. I mean, it's nice every now and again, but for the most part I love being at home!
post #23 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amandaofcols
I don't think you're strange. I'm 23 and would much rather stay at home with my DB, and May, than go out. I mean, it's nice every now and again, but for the most part I love being at home!
I'm 21 and I think the last time I was at the bar was um...in June? HA! My boyfriend loves going out, and I let him, I would much rather stay at home, or hang out with my friends doing something without a large group of people. Me & my last boyfriend broke up b/c of that, b/c he was a socializer and I wasn't, we were just too different. He would be out drinking from Thursday night til Sunday morning, out til 4AM every night...but thats a whole different story, LOL! Some of my friends arent 21 yet and they are the same way I am...not much of socializers!!
post #24 of 27
Wow, I'm not weird after all!

I am much happier at home than in a social situation. I often make excuses not to go out to clubs and pubs and parties because I know I won't really enjoy it. I may have a laugh, but a big part of me will be wishing I was at home curled up in my pj's with the cats watching a film! I don't like making small talk, and I'm happy with the friends I already have. I get sick and tired of people telling me I should go out and 'enjoy' myself, and trying to set me up on dates. If I do go out I prefer it to be dinner with one or two people, I don't like big groups. I like my time alone, I like being single, just because it's not what many people like doesn't mean it isn't a valid way of life.

I think as I've got older I've become more forceful about doing what I want, rather than giving in and going to the pub on a Saturday because it's what people my age did. I'm an old fart at heart, and these days I'm happy to admit it instead of trying to fit in. Oh, and I'm 28 next month
post #25 of 27
I am 46, and I would always rather be at home. I used to go out a lot, but now I don't even make the effort any more. It seems like most of the people that I would like to see have gotten the same way. I have a friend that still bartends, and the last time I went to see her, this guy grabbed me, tried to kiss me and I ended up having to smack the crap out of him to get him away from me. I am much too old for that kind of foolishness, and every time I go out, some kind of idiocy goes on, and even if it does not involve me, (which it usually does not) I do not want to be anywhere around it. My cats are much better company than most people.
post #26 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by krazy kat2
My cats are much better company than most people.
I totally agree!!
post #27 of 27
I like to be at home more now that I'm getting older. I find that it relaxes me and that's what I really want. I enjoy the company of my animals to the company of most people. I have good friends I spend time with but I'm not into the bar scene (which now my friends have suddenly decided that they need to do) anymore. But will go on occassion, just to remind myself WHY I don't drink much anymore and WHY I prefer the company of my cats. I figure once a year is good enough for me and I keep it that way. I had my fun when I was younger and now I love my life as it is, so I see no need to change it.
Don't worry, you're just realizing that you like the company your animals versus the company of people you aren't familiar with. It's not being antsocial, it's being finicky!
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