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Ever feel excluded?

post #1 of 33
Thread Starter 
I wasn’t going to post this here, I thought I would just keep my thoughts to myself, but then I remembered how supportive you guys are so even though it might seem lame I think I need some advice and support. I don’t normally tell people how I feel, so thanks in advance for reading..

Do you guys ever feel left out or excluded when it comes to having friends?

I have two “best friends†I suppose you could say. I am nothing but nice to these two girls. I am a shoulder to cry on, supportive, understanding, I remember birthdays send e-cards if they are unhappy, you name it I do it. No matter what I do, it seems like they always exclude me. They will go to festivals without calling me, go to the gym (that we all have a membership at) or to the beach or for walks on the boardwalk without even calling me, the list goes on and on. I try to take it with a grain of salt, but sometimes it really hurts and no matter how hard I try I can’t ignore that.

For example, we are all nutrition students at the same university and I had talked about the idea of planning a potluck and all three of us plus another friend bringing food. A week later they had it without me! I was so upset (I tried not to show it) and I finally cracked and talked to one of the girls and said “why would you guys not invite me?†then she said “well it was sort of spur of the moment†and I said “but WE planned this???†the only thing she could say was sorry, and that she felt bad, I didn't want to start any trouble so I just dropped it and let it go. Basically I think one of the girls has a grudge against me for some reason or another, and then the other girl just follows her… sort of thing.

I guess I just don’t want to be a third wheel, or a bother. I don’t want them to include me if they don’t really want to. I have never given them any reason not to like me. The only thing I can think of is that one of my friends and I dated the same guy, I dated him first and she dated him a year later (before we were even friends) I think she may feel intimidated by me or something I just don’t know. The girl that I think is jealous always has to be included in any events we have, to the point where she will race over if she knows I am alone with the other girl, she’s really competitive and I think she’s trying to bump me out of the group. I always try to include everyone, because I know how much it hurts to be excluded so it’s not like I ever try to exclude her. I don’t need to be included all the time, but an invite here and there would be nice.

My worry is that they’re talking about me behind my back and that maybe I shouldn’t be friends with these girls? It’s also possible that I am over reacting or just too sensitive.

I know this may sound stupid to some people considering the other problems there are in the world but I am sitting here at work almost in tears over it and needed to get it out.

Anyone have any similar problems with their friends, and what do you guys think I should do?

post #2 of 33
I think you should be happy with who you are inside and let these girls go and have their friendships without you. I am sure that there are other women out there that would be more supportive in the friendship department. I know you are hurt, but they are the losers here- not you.
post #3 of 33
Originally Posted by hissy
I think you should be happy with who you are inside and let these girls go and have their friendships without you. I am sure that there are other women out there that would be more supportive in the friendship department. I know you are hurt, but they are the losers here- not you.

Time to let them go and make new friends. You are not being too sensitive, friends shouldn't do that to each other. I had two girlfriends like that, and I never felt I was good enough for them. I let them go, and don't feel guilty about it. They were never deep enough for me anyways.....

You remind me of me, I am extremely sensitive that way, and I have learned to only surround myself with great people who respect my sensitivity, and i'm much happier for it.
post #4 of 33
aww dont cry

I was in that same situation but i was 14/15 this girl would invite me but she Bit*ched behind my back, stole money from me and humiliated me infront of everyone. The day she stole my money is when i broke contact.

It will be hard to keep friends with the "follower" because she wont do anything untill she realises with her own eyes that the other girl is rude.
I dont know how old you are, but im nearly 19, and realise that i need to take distance from alot of people, and there are very few people that i can be confortable and hang around with.

i really do miss my girly nights out though

Good luck, and i hope you find true friends soon
I've made some pretty good friends here on tcs that i plan to meet up soon, maybe you can too?
post #5 of 33
you por dear, our not overly sensitive. you deserve better friends. I have had friends like that too, and its never a good feeling. Now, i sit alone all day. Go and get some good friends, look for the girl who is like you and needs someone to reach out to her. God bless, and good luck. (hug)
post #6 of 33
Yes, like the others said, find new friends. What you have now are not worthy of being called decent human beings!
post #7 of 33
I agree with the others. You seem to be a fine person who has it altogether and her priorities straight. Never allow anyone else's actions make you feel badly (even tho I know that is tough to do sometimes - I too am vsery sensitive, almost supersensitive somtimes). One or both could be jealous or have her own agenda. Be your own person and don't worry about what other people do. It is truly their loss that they won't get to share your time with you. Find some new friends who qill be more honourable and respectful than these two seem to be!
post #8 of 33
OMG JaneMary, I have the SAME problem, only the two "friends" in question are actually my SISTERS. +sigh+

It is hard to know what to do, but I think Hissy as well as the other posters here all have given you the right answers. You seem to be a fine person (from the little I know of you - anyone who takes such good care of their cats can't possibly be all that bad in MY book!!) and if these two are not inviting you along, then maybe it is time to either speak frankly with them both to let them know how you feel or to let them go along without you. I told both of my sisters that I felt horribly excluded from what were considered family events when they were planned and I wasn't informed of them. Of course, both of them gave a thousand excuses ... "Oh shoot, I thought Mary called you!" or "Gaye, I swear I thought Annie was supposed to call you." and the always present, "It wasn't done on purpose, Gaye - there was just a breakdown in communication, that's all".

I just don't let it bother me anymore - I have so many choices of things to obsess about anymore and this just doesn't seem to take the top of the list most times for me. Maybe you can adopt a similar list and place these two a lot further down in priority from now on.

Sending hugs (cuz no matter what, it still hurts!),

post #9 of 33
Thread Starter 
Thank you guys SO MUCH for the comments, I have to admit I shed a few tears here at work while reading the comments The lights are out so no one noticed, I hope!

It's just nice to have conformation that my feelings actually are validated and that I am not overreacting. My boyfriend is really supportive but I find that groups of guys have different relationships with each other then groups of girls do, and he just doesn't understand this issue like you guys do.

I will really need to think about things and figure out what I will do, I am just sick of saying, “why didn’t you invite me†or “you should have called meâ€

I start my third year of nutritional studies this fall and hopefully I will meet some new friends or maybe these one's will eventually come around, I know I shouldn't wait for that to happen though.

Thanks again for the comments, I don't know what I would do if I hadn't stumbled across The Cat Site..
post #10 of 33
Originally Posted by gayef
Of course, both of them gave a thousand excuses ... "Oh shoot, I thought Mary called you!" or "Gaye, I swear I thought Annie was supposed to call you." and the always present, "It wasn't done on purpose, Gaye - there was just a breakdown in communication, that's all".
I think if they are giving you the 'oh, i thought the other one told you' routine(like above) and it happens enough times for you to remember, then it is being done on purpose. Or if they are excluding you from things that ALL of you planned, then it is being done on purpose. And not just by one of them. Someone who is a true friend would speak up and say 'hey, where is JaneMary' and then go call you to come... they wouldnt purposely leave you out, even if there was another friend there who was not happy with you for some reason. I really think you can find better friends. That is very disrespectful to you! And you deserve better!
post #11 of 33
Aw hun! I wish you were closer so I could give you a big big hug! You don't need them. You are much too nice.

Sending you some hugs from across the world-

post #12 of 33
Originally Posted by hissy
I think you should be happy with who you are inside and let these girls go and have their friendships without you. I am sure that there are other women out there that would be more supportive in the friendship department. I know you are hurt, but they are the losers here- not you.
well said and I agree 100%...move on, you have a lot to offer real friends.
post #13 of 33
The others are so right - time to move on!! There are people who are cat-like & those who are dog-like. Well, your friends are packing up & acting like female dogs, allright! And you are right about the guys; but they don't have to compete for male attention like women do (and that seems to influence a good number, but not all, thankfully, of the women that are in our lives, whether friends, co-workers or relatives. I've been in your shoes, and it does hurt, but there are so many wonderful people out there, longing for your friendship and I hope & pray you meet them soon!! Hang in there! Susan
post #14 of 33
Hey there JaneMary

I am also in the same situation myself, my boyfriend moved out before me back in March and since then I've been by myself. When my phone does ring I have a 50/50 guess as to who it is. Either my parents or my boyfriend. But one thing I started to realize is that I haven't been getting out there actively trying to find some new friends.

You sound like a wonderful person and if I were closer in geography I would meet you for coffee!. But hey, anytime you need to talk feel free to spill...I'll be here to listen!
post #15 of 33
I guess I'm going to reply because I hate to hear this kinda thing.

So, in my opinion, don't fret over them. Friendship between people should be a mutual thing. So, if you put energy into a friendship and it doesn't come back, let them have their fun together without you. Enjoy time by youself or with some other friends.

If people can't be bothered with me, I'm the same with them!
post #16 of 33
Basically I echo the others' thoughts.

These girls are not your friends because friends don't do that to other friends.

I have 2 very close friends and feel very blessed. We have a special bond between us and we would be hurting ourselves if we thought for a minute that we hurt one of the others.

I also suggest you withdraw from these "ladies" and be open to meeting new friends. Good friendships also don't happen overnight. It often takes effort and lots of time before these strong friendships become special and enduring.

Hope you find some friends who are worthy of you and your kind ways.

I know that doesn't stop it hurting but it too will pass (been there, done that and moved on to far better relationships).
post #17 of 33
I completely understand what you're going through. I have a friend, 'C', who I have been very good friends with for the past 3 or 4 yrs. Our (now ex) boyfriends are best freinds, so we spent a lot of time together in those years. We recently started working in the same office, and one of our other friends works here too,'A', and her (also, now ex) boyfriend is freinds with ours. Anyway, long story short, c and I would always hang out on Thursday nights, her new BF's poker night, but for the past month I've been excluded from Thursday nights, and they go to the bar together. It's not that they have to include me EVERY time they go out, but once in a while would be nice. I just ended a 5 yr relationship, too, so it makes it harder when your close friends start to leave you out, when you're all lonely... Anyway, my point is that you're definately not alone in the way that you're feeling, and it is hard to make new friends, but while you're going to school, it'll be easier to get to know new people. Good luck, and don't let them get you down!
post #18 of 33
I think it's time for you to get new friends. If you had been telling us how mean or neglectful you were to these friends because of some stress in life or something then there would be something you could repair, but that's not the case. It sounds like you've been putting forth your best self the entire time, yet they still neglect you. The nicer you are, the more disprespectful they will be. I hope you find some people much more worthy of friendship.
post #19 of 33
You know, you got a lot of good advice from people here already, but I figured I would toss in a few opinions of my own!
First off, it sounds to me like you are a giver when it comes to relationships, and unfortunately, these girls have you pegged. They know that you "might" get mad, or you "might" get upset, but you'll still be there when they need you. Key point: THEY NEED YOU. Friendships dont work that way. And its hard to see it now, but trust me: you are much better off without them. And I have come to realize that friends come and go throughout your life. You may have one or two that are always there and will always be there, but there are so many that are there for a short time, and then they are gone. And its sad to see so much hurt stemming from things that your friends are doing. I know its easier said than done...but, move on.
I have a friend thats like that. "Hey, lets hang out." Never hear from her, never returns my calls. When we hung out, all I heard about was how much fun she had with another group of friends, and I basically told her good luck, and have a great life. Because we just werent on the same road anymore.
So, no more tears, because they dont deserve them. You'll be surprised at how much better you feel when you realize your worth.
post #20 of 33
Its amazing that so many people here think alike!!!

So much of what I was thinking already has been said.

Its unfortunate that there are people out there that can be so unwittingly cruel. Do they know how much it bothers you?? Obviously not.
I would heed everyone's advise and place them down a bit farther on the priority chain in your life.
Take care and don't stress out over this-there are lots of people out there that would be glad of your friendship.
Plus you have us!!!
post #21 of 33
4 Words?

Their not real friends!.

A true friend is someone who is always there for you no matter what.

I hope you find more friends soon so that you can start to tell these girls about things you and your " Best friends " have been up to
post #22 of 33
I have to agree with the advice you are getting. I always heard that 3 "girls" can't get along. And often it is true, one of them will get jealous and cause trouble for everyone.

I have had this type of problem, too. I had a co-worker who I felt very close to, but she would snub me at times, hurting my feelings. I could not totally disengage from her, as we worked in the same office. But I did kind of redefine her in my head as an acquaintance, not a friend. And I never needed to be her "best" friend, but she did the types of things your "friends" are doing, just hurtful snubs for no reason. (Why on earth would anyone be left out of a potluck?)

Sometimes you just have to move on. You don't need to explain anything to them, unless they come later and want to talk. Then you can try to mend bridges, but never take someone from the acquaintance category to friend (meaning you can count on them). Unless of course their actions change drastically!

Here's hoping you find another friend who won't be disrespectful of your feelings. Some people are just nicer than others, and those make much better friends!
post #23 of 33
Beckiboo - I am one of the fortunate ones who has 2 best friends (that makes 3 of us). We are closer than they are with their own sisters (I don't have a sister). We are open, honest and very caring with each other. My two friends have more vacation and time to do things like golfing together where I cannot be included (although I sure would like to be), but I know it is because they love golfing (as do I), but that I cannot get the time off work. I am "envious" but not "jealous" - big difference. We go away together every fall for a girl's golf weekend and have been doing so for over 20 years. None of our husbands' ever liked golf, so they stayed home and cared for the children. We've never had harsh words or hissy fits. Two years ago, one of us lost a husband to cancer. Every second weekend the other two of us were at her house bringing dinner (so she wouldn't have to worry about what to feed us) and to individually spend time with her husband to give her a break. Her husband was a wonderful and dear man whom we all loved (even our husbands cared deeply for him because he was such a good man). After he passed, whenever she called and needed someone to be with her, either or both of us were there in the time it required to drive to her house. I spent this past Valentine's day overnight at her house as it would have been their anniversary. I called and asked how she was and she said fine and then proceeded to cry. I said do you want me to come over and she said "would you do that" - of course I would and did. My husband is a very understanding and wonderful man too and he has always been behind my friendship with these 2 wonderful women.

He has often said how lucky I am and that he has never had friends that would do the things for him that mine have done for me.

Just before we moved, our Simba was very sick and we had bought another house and not yet sold our current one so money was tight. My one friend (whose husband passed) is very well off financially. She simply came to me and passed me a cheque for $1,000 to help with the vet bill. I was flabbergasted and told her I would repay her and she told me no, it was her gift to me to take care of our beloved cat.

So, after this long-winded message - there are people out there who are also givers like yourself and who will appreciate what a jewel you really are as a friend. I didn't meet mine until I was in my late 20's and I treasure each of them.
post #24 of 33
I just only want to Added that here in TCS you can find Real and Truly friends!
good luck!
post #25 of 33
Originally Posted by CoolCat
I just only want to Added that here in TCS you can find Real and Truly friends!
good luck! :bighthumb:
I agree with CoolCat. There are some truly wonderful people here on TCS. I count them as my real friends.

I used to have a friend, who treated me like dirt, and like a fool I kept running back to him, because I valued and wanted his friendship. He was a male friend, but not a lover or boyfriend, and never could or would be, because he was gay. Anyway, one day he'd treat my nicely, then the next day he'd tell me how worthless I was. One day he'd be a lot of fun to hang with, then the next day, he call me on the phone and start screaming at me for no reason, and then hang up on me, by slamming the phone down as hard as he could. He knew I'd keep running back, or I'd call him up and almost beg him to not be mad at me. Even though I hadn't done a bloody thing to him. Finally one day, when he was playing his head games with me, I'd finally had enough. I finally realized, he was NOT my frined, and that was that. I haven't seen or spoken to him in 4 years. Funnily enough for several months after the final incident, I kept getting telephone calls, where no one said anything, when I answered the phone. I knew it was him. Finally, the phone calls stopped. I've gone on with my life, and my non friend has gone on with his life. I'm sure he found someone else to bully and pick on, but thankfully it's no longer me.
post #26 of 33
While I agree with what the others have said, I do have a question, which may or may not apply. Are you one of those people who has good ideas or suggestions, but doesn't carry things out to the planning stage, i.e., leaves the details to others? If so, these other women may be under the impression that you're actually not all that interested in doing things with them.
I may be projecting here. For the past several months, a move from one building to another has been underway for our school, and I've been asked for input regarding improvements, furnishings, etc.. While I've made several suggestions, I haven't been the one to go to office supply stores, dig through catalogs, talk to the contractors, etc., and I feel a bit guilty about it. The guy who has been doing all that (the vice principal) must be frustrated. For example, we were discussing flooring in the entry hall, and I suggested non-slick stone tiles in a neutral color that wouldn't show the dirt too much. He agreed - and I never offered to go with him to look for what we needed/had in mind. He picked something out, and then showed me the sample (perfect, IMO). Just writing this, I think I'd better apologize to him tomorrow for not being more helpful.
In a nutshell, I avoid getting down to the "nitty gritty" and actually organizing things, partly out of sheer laziness and a desire to avoid conflicts, and while I don't criticize final results, I could understand it if somebody said, "Well, she mustn't really be interested, because she did nothing to see her idea implemented." I'm sure many people can become annoyed at such a trait.
Again, I have no idea whether this applies in your case.
post #27 of 33
Originally Posted by hissy
I think you should be happy with who you are inside and let these girls go and have their friendships without you. I am sure that there are other women out there that would be more supportive in the friendship department. I know you are hurt, but they are the losers here- not you.

Well said! I had a similar situation with a friend about 5 years ago, and the best thing I ever did was to move on. She only ever thuoght about herself, and I was going through a family crisis and needed the support of my friends. I didn't have the energy to deal with her at the time, I had much bigger problems to deal with, so I pretty much stopped dealing with her. Most of my other friends had stopped dealing with her long before I did.

A few months ago I heard from her and she apologized and wanted to be friends again. I told her I prefered to begin by getting up to date through e-mail first. True to fashion, after a few weeks, she started to blow me off again, and I haven't heard from her in a month. It's her loss, not mine.

It's time to cut these two loose!
post #28 of 33
Yes!! I have a large varity of friends. I have never fit in one "click" but have been apart of nearly every click I can think of at one point or another. I spend alot of time with my boyfriend so my friends assume I'm with him and plan things without me. It kind of sucks during the summer but I don't blame them.
post #29 of 33
It's so sad when someone hurts your feelings when you haven't done anything to make them act that way I'm sending hugs your way
post #30 of 33
I'm one of those people too. I had a friend who used to use me like a convenience store. When he had a girlfriend, I didn't exist. When he was fighting with her or alone, then he'd be over my house every night. I finally accepted the fact that I was not a doormat and he wasn't the only friend in the world. I was worth 1000 of him. And if he couldn't see what he was doing, then he wouldn't be part of my life. And I have made so many many more friends. They're not all true friends. Some are just slightly more than acquaintances. Others I would trust with my life. Only a few are trusted with my soul.

In this world you will always come across people that you should be friendly towards but not friends with. Not everyone is going to be your true friends. But when you find them, treat them like gold and hang on to them
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