After you cut off a vehicle, give a "Thanks-for-letting-me-in" wave and nod to the other driver.
Always save your nose picking for when you're behind the wheel.
Drive closely behind speeding ambulances and fire trucks so you get ahead of everyone who pulls over to let them pass.
Drive with a pen and ATM envelope in your hand and write down everything a moron driver does.
If another driver honks at you, ignore it, continue to do exactly what you are doing, and give him a dirty look.
If another driver is courteous enough to let you in front of him/her, show your appreciation by letting the entire world in front of you, including tractor trailers and construction vehicles.
If for some reason you had to pull over on the shoulder, wait until a car is approaching to pull back onto the road.
If the driver behind you is honking and flashing his headlights because he is in some sort of an emergency rush, do NOT pull over to let him pass.
If you are driving fast, stick one arm out the window, twist your hand back and forth, and pretend to be an airplane as the wind lifts your arm.
If you are on vacation and you see any sort of wildlife, stop in your lane to take a lot of pictures.
If you get lost while driving, the best place to stop and get your bearings is at a green light.
If you have a car phone, use it as much as possible. If you have no one to call, hold the phone up to your ear and pretend.
If you need to stop to ask for directions, wait until there is a car behind you and stop in your lane to block traffic. Try to ask directions from either a 90 year old local, a deaf person, an illegal alien, or a child.
If you see a vehicle getting in your lane directly behind you, hit your brake pedal. The closer the vehicle, the harder you should press.
If you see an emergency vehicle traveling on the opposite side of a concrete divider, stop abruptly.
If your vehicle is capable of spinning its tires on dry roads, take advantage of this. Make as much black smoke as possible.
Keep your brake light blinking by keeping one foot on the brake pedal at all times.
Maintain flex-time at work so that you can drive around leisurely when others are rushing to get to work on time.
Make sure you have at least one of the following bumper stickers:
"I may be slow but I'm ahead of you"
"If you don't like my driving, get off the sidewalk"
"If you can read this, you're too close"
"I'd rather be skiing"
"I brake for no apparent reason"
On multi-laned roads, always drive at the same speed as the vehicle next to you. Try to "box" in drivers behind you, who are attempting to pass.
Slow down drastically for every little bump in the road.
Swerve into the opposite lanes to avoid hitting roadside obstacles... like Styrofoam cups and Twinkie wrappers.
Use your driving time as an opportunity to have an intimate encounter with your significant other.
When approaching a curve in the road, slow down as if the road is ENDING.
When approaching a yield sign, either accelerate without looking or come to a full and complete stop.
When drivers ahead of you pull over to let emergency vehicles pass, accelerate so that they can not merge back into traffic.
When driving at a slower speed, stay in the left-most lane.
When driving in a lane that is going to end because of construction, ignore all the "LANE CLOSED - MERGE AHEAD" signs. Then wait until the last second and cut off the other drivers that had the common sense to switch lanes earlier.
When driving in heavy bumper-to-bumper traffic, always drive with at least 10 car lengths in front of you.
When having another vehicle follow you to where ever you are going, and a third car merges between you, drive 5 miles an hour just to make sure that your followers (who are 2 cars behind) can see you.
When picking up a passenger during the early morning or late night, in a residential neighborhood, stop in front of the house and honk the horn. Either a series of long honks or in a melody of a song such as "Shave and a haircut" is appropriate.
When there's traffic behind you, always drive 8-20 MPH below the posted limit.
Whenever possible, cut off other drivers and slow down.
Whenever you see a police car, even parked, slam on the brakes and drive 15-20 MPH slower than the speed limit.
While listening to your favorite song, let other drivers on the road know that your listing to your favorite song. The best way to do this is, is to steer the car with your knee, pretend to be holding a pair of drum sticks, and start beating away at the steering wheel and rear-view mirror. While the whole time bobbing your head all over the place.
While traveling down residential streets, drive 2 MPH and look at all the houses and landscaping. In fact, look everywhere except out the front windshield.
Women are encouraged to put on their make-up while driving.
You always have the right of way.
Your car stereo should be blasting music at approximately 900,000 dB.