Something is wrong with me

A friend of mine lost his 20 yr old son to suicide, and the son had SUCH a promising life ahead . . .

I went to the funeral, and I was unable to even say "I'm sorry", I was so choked up, for when my friends hurt, then I hurt, too.

I wanted to say all kinds of words of condolence, but instead I just shook hands, gripped his and his wife's shoulders in sort of a hug and had to turn away.

Sometimes I am in so much control and other times I am a total washout.

I hope they understand.

Leonard

I'm sure they will understand!!! It's such a tragic thing, someone hurting themselves in such a way that it pains family and friends along with them. I am so sorry that you were having trouble at the funeral, but funerals are very sad places... people will understand that you can't always be so "in control".
Laurel

Sometimes words are not needed.

They know how you feel if you have been friends for that long.

Really sorry for the loss of someone so close!!

Nothing is wrong with you! When my brother in law died, a social worker gave us a book, I believe called "I don't know what to say". It is very common to be at a loss of words when someone dies. You are more normal than what you are giving yourself credit for.

I also suffer from the same issue. Now that I'm older and have experienced a number of close deaths in my family, I can now admit to the loved ones of the deceased that "I don't know what to say". Sometimes that is enough of an acknowledgement and they will understand.

So all I can say to you now: I am sorry to hear of your friends loss and I don't know what else to say.

I don't think there's anything wrong with you. Loss is hard, and it's hard to express how you feel about loss. Suicide is especially hard for those left behind. I'm sure your friends understood and appreciated you being there for them. A heartfelt hug can mean just as much as words of condolence.

Yeah... my father committed suicide when I was 17. It sucks to be a survivor.

I think the most important thing is presence. One thing that I've noticed is that most people don't want a lot of words, they just want you there to offer a hand or shoulder when they need you. Just being present offers so much more than words sometimes.

Sometimes there is just nothing you can say. I am so sorry for your friend and his family. Such a tragic loss of a young life.

Originally Posted by esrgirl

I think the most important thing is presence. One thing that I've noticed is that most people don't want a lot of words, they just want you there to offer a hand or shoulder when they need you. Just being present offers so much more than words sometimes.

Click to expand...

Very well said.


I'm sure that your loss of words touched them in a special way in addition to you being there for them.

Sending a prayer for you and your friend's family.

Your presence speaks volumes, words are very hard to come by in this kind of situation, And sometimes really there are no words, My Heart goes out to the Family and to you.

Leonard, there is nothing wrong with you....unless being a kind, compassionate, loving friends is wrong......and if that's wrong, its a baaad world!

I agree with what everyone has posted. There is nothing wrong with you Leonard! I am the same way...even here on the bridge froum, there's so much in my heart that I want to say but words fail me most of the time. Sometimes just being there and a hug can do much more than words.

I would say that something is right with you! It's so easy to say empty 'comforting' things to people. But to show your grief is to share part of thiers.

Leonard! You are such a good spirit and kind person. I have read many of your posts. You are a such a deep thinker and feel things entirely, good or bad. Sometimes grief hits us so unexpectedly it puts our emotions on pause, as if to let our hearts catch up for fear they would break in front of others.

You've done just fine. They know it.

You take care~~
-E.

I am very sorry for your loss. Your friends still have the days and weeks and years ahead to grieve. A dear friend at their side to help ease the pain will mean more than any words ever spoken. I am sure you will be that support to them.
Condolences.

My Dad's lifelong best friend and cousin lost his father who he was very close too recently. My Dad did nothing but let Darrel cry on his shoulder. Later Darrel said he doesnt remember anything anyone said to him, or even who was there really. He remembers his mom, his sister, his son, and crying on my dad's shoulder. The important thing is just simply to be there. After the funeral when the reality of their son never coming home again, when they have to pack up his things, this is when they will need you the most, after most others have gone back to their normal life. Think about them, keep them in your prayers, and call them often. They will be thankful that you are their friend, and right now you need to be the best friend you can be, which I am sure you will be. You are a great guy and I dont think you did anything wrong.

Leonard, there is nothing wrong with you. That was the most normal response in a situation for which there are no words. Your presence, your touch, your visibile pain, say volumes more than a few words that might have been awkward at best. They understand. And may even be grateful that they were not put in a position of having to find words of response -- in equally short supply. Time enough for words later.

My heart goes out to them, and to you, as you all move through these next days and try to figure out how to live your lives minus that shining light. Be gentle with yourself.

Peace.

As a few people have also said, sometimes words are not needed. One of my best friends lost her Aunty today, she had to fly nine hours away for the funeral - but I've been sending her lots of touching messages through the day just letting her know I care.

Leonard, I have lost a brother & a nephew, and what I remember the most is the sympathetic eyes that looked my way. And the others are right, the days ahead are when your friends will need you most. The first Christmas, the birthday, the death day, 4th of July, etc. , then the second set of holidays, then the third, and the reality begins to set in that he's really gone........10 years from now, when the boy's friends have kids of their own, and your friends wonder what their own grandchildren would have been like..... Leonard, bless you for being such a caring friend. My heart aches for that poor mother.....