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Something is wrong with me

post #1 of 27
Thread Starter 
A friend of mine lost his 20 yr old son to suicide, and the son had SUCH a promising life ahead . . .

I went to the funeral, and I was unable to even say "I'm sorry", I was so choked up, for when my friends hurt, then I hurt, too.

I wanted to say all kinds of words of condolence, but instead I just shook hands, gripped his and his wife's shoulders in sort of a hug and had to turn away.

Sometimes I am in so much control and other times I am a total washout.

I hope they understand.

post #2 of 27
I'm sure they will understand!!! It's such a tragic thing, someone hurting themselves in such a way that it pains family and friends along with them. I am so sorry that you were having trouble at the funeral, but funerals are very sad places... people will understand that you can't always be so "in control".
post #3 of 27
Sometimes words are not needed.

They know how you feel if you have been friends for that long.

Really sorry for the loss of someone so close!!
post #4 of 27
Nothing is wrong with you! When my brother in law died, a social worker gave us a book, I believe called "I don't know what to say". It is very common to be at a loss of words when someone dies. You are more normal than what you are giving yourself credit for.

I also suffer from the same issue. Now that I'm older and have experienced a number of close deaths in my family, I can now admit to the loved ones of the deceased that "I don't know what to say". Sometimes that is enough of an acknowledgement and they will understand.

So all I can say to you now: I am sorry to hear of your friends loss and I don't know what else to say.
post #5 of 27
I don't think there's anything wrong with you. Loss is hard, and it's hard to express how you feel about loss. Suicide is especially hard for those left behind. I'm sure your friends understood and appreciated you being there for them. A heartfelt hug can mean just as much as words of condolence.
post #6 of 27
Oh Leonard, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you! This obviously tore you up inside and with such circumstances that is completely understandable and expected. Everyone deals with grief in different ways, and I can assure you that your friends understood that you were there for them as best you could be.
post #7 of 27
Yeah... my father committed suicide when I was 17. It sucks to be a survivor.
post #8 of 27
I think the most important thing is presence. One thing that I've noticed is that most people don't want a lot of words, they just want you there to offer a hand or shoulder when they need you. Just being present offers so much more than words sometimes.
post #9 of 27
Sometimes there is just nothing you can say. I am so sorry for your friend and his family. Such a tragic loss of a young life.
post #10 of 27
Originally Posted by esrgirl
I think the most important thing is presence. One thing that I've noticed is that most people don't want a lot of words, they just want you there to offer a hand or shoulder when they need you. Just being present offers so much more than words sometimes.
Very well said.

I'm sure that your loss of words touched them in a special way in addition to you being there for them.

Sending a prayer for you and your friend's family.
post #11 of 27
Your presence speaks volumes, words are very hard to come by in this kind of situation, And sometimes really there are no words, My Heart goes out to the Family and to you.
post #12 of 27
Leonard, there is nothing wrong with you....unless being a kind, compassionate, loving friends is wrong......and if that's wrong, its a baaad world!
post #13 of 27
I agree with what everyone has posted. There is nothing wrong with you Leonard! I am the same way...even here on the bridge froum, there's so much in my heart that I want to say but words fail me most of the time. Sometimes just being there and a hug can do much more than words.
post #14 of 27
I would say that something is right with you! It's so easy to say empty 'comforting' things to people. But to show your grief is to share part of thiers.
post #15 of 27
Leonard! You are such a good spirit and kind person. I have read many of your posts. You are a such a deep thinker and feel things entirely, good or bad. Sometimes grief hits us so unexpectedly it puts our emotions on pause, as if to let our hearts catch up for fear they would break in front of others.

You've done just fine. They know it.

You take care~~
post #16 of 27
I am very sorry for your loss. Your friends still have the days and weeks and years ahead to grieve. A dear friend at their side to help ease the pain will mean more than any words ever spoken. I am sure you will be that support to them.
post #17 of 27
My Dad's lifelong best friend and cousin lost his father who he was very close too recently. My Dad did nothing but let Darrel cry on his shoulder. Later Darrel said he doesnt remember anything anyone said to him, or even who was there really. He remembers his mom, his sister, his son, and crying on my dad's shoulder. The important thing is just simply to be there. After the funeral when the reality of their son never coming home again, when they have to pack up his things, this is when they will need you the most, after most others have gone back to their normal life. Think about them, keep them in your prayers, and call them often. They will be thankful that you are their friend, and right now you need to be the best friend you can be, which I am sure you will be. You are a great guy and I dont think you did anything wrong.
post #18 of 27
Leonard, there is nothing wrong with you. That was the most normal response in a situation for which there are no words. Your presence, your touch, your visibile pain, say volumes more than a few words that might have been awkward at best. They understand. And may even be grateful that they were not put in a position of having to find words of response -- in equally short supply. Time enough for words later.

My heart goes out to them, and to you, as you all move through these next days and try to figure out how to live your lives minus that shining light. Be gentle with yourself.

post #19 of 27
As a few people have also said, sometimes words are not needed. One of my best friends lost her Aunty today, she had to fly nine hours away for the funeral - but I've been sending her lots of touching messages through the day just letting her know I care.
post #20 of 27
Leonard, I have lost a brother & a nephew, and what I remember the most is the sympathetic eyes that looked my way. And the others are right, the days ahead are when your friends will need you most. The first Christmas, the birthday, the death day, 4th of July, etc. , then the second set of holidays, then the third, and the reality begins to set in that he's really gone........10 years from now, when the boy's friends have kids of their own, and your friends wonder what their own grandchildren would have been like..... Leonard, bless you for being such a caring friend. My heart aches for that poor mother.....
post #21 of 27
Thread Starter 
Thank all of you so much for the very kind words, far more than I deserve, and please forgive me for the times I have appeared insensitive to your posts or said things contrary to what I should have, perhaps.

It was very hard facing my friends, seeing their son there in the casket, mourning the loss of what could have been equally with the loss of what was, OMG such a tragedy, such a waste of a beautiful promise, the world is a little emptier . . . .

We all should give thought to how our lives can turn on the circumstance of a half-second.

Thank you again, my friends.

post #22 of 27
Leonard, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend's son. 20 years old, , such a tragedy...

There is nothing wrong with the way you fact, I've done the same thing before. It's really hard to predict how you will react to something like that and you did just fine. If your friends know you at all, they know that you meant well and that you are a wonderful friend for being there for them in their time of need.
post #23 of 27
Leonard just be there for your friend just like you have been, because when i lost my dad a neighbour who had locked herself out of her house and was waiting for her husband to come home, saw my husband and myself come back home for a few things.

She told me this weeks later because she said she hid around the back of her house because she didn't know what to say to me?!.

You've no idea how much that hurt, so i always make a point of being there for someone in situations like that, even if they just want to ramble on.
post #24 of 27
Like most suicide survivors, I felt an enormormous amount of shame and guilt about what I could have do to save my dad. I imagine your friends are feeling something similar. And I'm sure they're feeling the stigma of having a family member suicide as well.

When I lost my dad, my "friends" dropped off the face of the planet, and people often don't know what to say or feel uncomfortable with their own feelings about suicide that prevents them from reaching out to the survivors. I was left to battle these feelings alone, and it would have helped if someone had cared enough not to give up, and having a support network makes it so much easier to deal with the loss.

I would advise you NOT to keep silent. Be there for your friend and extend invitations to him for company, outings, etc. He may not be interested in talking much at first, so be gentle but persistent, and respect his space at the same time. He needs to grieve, but also needs to keep living a somewhat normal life or there's a good chance he may sink into a very deep depression.
post #25 of 27
I'm so sorry for your friend's loss I am sure he understands how you feel- the fact that you went to the funeral told him that much. I hope the family is able to find some comfort through their grief
post #26 of 27
I am sure they understand. That is such a terrible thing to happen. That poor family.
post #27 of 27
Leonard as a nurse who has had to deal scores of family and friends after someone has died, I learned one thing. There are no words, to make things better. The only thing the bereaved need, is a shoulder and a good hug...that says everything.

Suicide, no matter what the age is especially hard, but being young it just tears at your gut. I had a friend who killed herself at sixteen, we were friends since toddlerhood. The pain eventually changes but it never goes away. Just stay the good friend you are, that's the best thing you can do.
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