Can Anyone Spare a Happiness Vibe or Two?

Positive vibes are heading your way!

i can kinda understand where your coming from, my father is married to someone else now and distances himself quiet a bit, he's never told me or my brothers he loves us....i'm sure he does but it would be nice to hear it from him.



pandybear

Amy, after reading your post in the workout thread, I looked for this one. I'm so sorry things are not better. I remember when you originally posted and was hoping they were.

You ARE his daughter and he is being very selfish. If you didn't love him it wouldn't bother you, BUT you're his daughter. You can't just shut off your feelings. Neither can he. I believe he loves you although he isn't behaving that way. It sounds like he's very immature.

There are some similarities to what I went through with my dad. Things are better for us now. I'll PM you about it later today.

Amy - I'm so sorry you're going through this. We can choose our friends in life and decide who we want to associate with. But our family is something we have no choice in. There is the possibility that we may not get on with them or agree with the way they choose to live their lives. It's a fact, a sad one, but a fact. I know it's hard to come to that realisation; but if that is the way the relationship with your father ultimately ends up I think this helps to keep it in perspective. In situations where you and your father come together again in future, it helps to avoid getting really disappointed with things that go on. Instead you become a distant observer. Sadly, it doesn't make for a close, loving relationship.


Tons of vibes to you Amy and hugs too with a sunny thought to cheer your day

Awwww Amy!

lots of happiness vibes to you, hang in there.

Dear Amy, I have debated on whether or not I should give my opinion because of the situation I have with my father. Without going into details I will say that your father sounds alot like mine. My father is totally selfish and interested only in playing power games and using people. I tried to please him for years until I got to be about 25 or so and then I just stopped, then he did something that I can't go into which permanently estranged him from my brother and with very good reason, it was my fathers action, not my brothers. I didn't hear from him for years until he got into a jam. Then he was "right there" again for me to help him out, which I did, repeatedly, meanwhile it became obvious that he was just using me, he had no intention of treating me like a daughter, he wanted a slave and garbage can to "dump" in. He decided to move out of state to be with other family that he had not "burnt his bridges" with, but of course that didn't work out so he came crying to me again to take care of him but I finally got courage up due to support from this forum and told him NO, not this time. I haven't heard from him since and I doubt that I will. I pray for him daily but have to keep my distance for my own sake. So I totally understand you when you say you need to distance yourself also. Only you can decided what is right for you to do. But either way I totally understand where you are coming from and am sending you hugs. And I would say one thing more, I think it is OK to protect yourself from being hurt by someone who doesn't care about you. Good luck.

Amy, I am sorry your family is going through this turmoil. I will add my "2 cents worth".

I am divorced from a difficult man. He does not show my 22 y/o or 16 y/o kids the affection he should. I will advise you as I advise my 22y/o. This is your only dad. Maybe he isn't who you thought he was when you were a little girl, and that is very painful. You cannot change how he is reacting to situations, only how you react. Although the school award ceremony affects you, it is really an issue between your parents and your brother. Don't let them involve you. If Mom chooses to go although its Dad's year-thats between the two of them. Do not choose sides. Maybe Dad would rather miss than possibly have a disagreement at your brother's cermony. Maybe he is just a big baby and can't face his ex. Either way, don't pick sides.

As for the phone incident-it has been 6 weeks. I would suggest you call your Dad. You are angry now, but all families have anger and disagreements. You can work through this. Don't even try to talk about the last phone conversation, and certainly not the ceremony. Just let him know you miss talking to him, maybe tell him a cute story about your fur-kids. The divorce was between your parents, and that has to be painful to you. But you are still entitled to have a relationship with each of them, even if it can't be as close as you prefer.

Maybe you can join a "Doofus Dads" club, instead of a "Bad Dads" club. Then you can be in with my kids!

I am rather new here, and don't know your whole situation. But I do know my dd has been able to re-establish a relationship with her dad, who has been very hard on her. But she is happier with a distant relationship with a doofus dad, than being totally filled with hurt thinking he hated her.

Yes, I would agree wholeheartedly with everything Beckiboo has mentioned. Great insights, Becki!

Amy, I also think Beckiboo's post contains many words of wisdom.
Meanwhile,

I haven't spoken to my dad since 1992. It hurts not being able to talk to your dad, but it hurts more when talking to them causes emotional pain and reopens wounds. Just because someone is a dad doesn't mean you should have to subject yourself to their power games and assaults on your self esteem.

Amy, I feel sad about your situation and I'm still sending vibes to help ease the pain.

Originally Posted by ugaimes

Again, I thank everyone for their hugs and kind words

I even greatly thank those who give me advice as I always welcome it, even if it's not the path I choose to follow.
I should have mentioned- the awards ceremony was 3 weeks ago. I went up with my mother (my brother got the award for having the highest math and science GPA in the corps at his college!!!) and my father did go at the last minute. He ran into me several times during the course of that weekend (Dahlonega is a VERY small town) and never said hello to me or anything. That was another deciding factor of mine.
Again, while I do appreciate eveyrone's advice, what Carol said pretty much sums up my situation. Her saying that it's OK to protect yourself from being hurt by someone who doesn't care about you is EXACTLY where I stand right now and that is what I'm doing. What good is it having a father (or in my case, more of a sperm donor) if he could give a rat's you-know-what about you? The only times in my adult life that he's ever really tried to be nice to me are when he was having surgeries and needed someone to take care of him and his dog since he has no friends. He still has his two sons that he may have relationships with but he no longer has a daughter. Harsh? Maybe. But I do think I'm justified in my decision.....
Everyone's situations are different and I'm just doing what I feel is the most appropriate.
But again, I will say thank you for the umpteenth time to everyone. I really appreciate the massive support I've received

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I'm very sorry it is so difficult. Only you can know the whole situation. And you are right, it is only self preservation to protect yourself from anyone who is hurting you. I wholeheartedly support your decision to handle this situation as you see best.

Warning! Nosy advice attached! Please skip if necessary!

I'm sure my dd's situation is different. For one thing, she lives in a different state from her dad now, so doesn't have to see him. But after they were estranged for about a year, she was able to talk to him. (Basically had to because her two little brother's live with him, and she still wants to preserve that relationship!) I would just suggest you give it some time. Maybe when the hurt calms down, you will decide to try again.

However, some people are what are called "toxic". My ex is this for me. He cannot refrain from attacking me verbally. Although dd has a (very superficial) relationship with him, I have none. I cannot, for my own sanity. If your dad is truly toxic to you, and just sabotages any attempts from you to reinstate the relationship, you may have to stay away from him!

Best wishes to you, Amy!