Dilema!! Help!

Yesterday, as I was walking out the door to take my son, Cameron to school (he's in afternoon Kindergarten), one of his classmates was walking by with his mom, and noticed that Cameron lived in the same complex as he did.

So, this morning, at 8:30, he and his mom come knocking at my door. The kid asked if Cam could play, and when I said he was sleeping, his mom said, "See? I told you they would still be alsleep!" I dont get it!! WHY on earth did she let the kid come down here if she knew we would most likely be alsleep?? Which we were!

The real thing about this is..I know that this wont be the last time he comes to try & play with Cam. But... I know who this kid is... he is a bigger kid, alot more pushy, and was a bit mean to Cam right around the time school started. His family (I percieve) seems a bit shady, from what I see(you know when you just have a 'feeling' about someone?).

I guess what I'm trying to say here is.. I really dont want Cam playing with this child outside of school. I dont want him in my home, or especially, I dont want Cam in their home! SO, how do I decline and say no, without looking like a total uptight B****? Will I have to come up with some different excuse everytime the kid comes to my door?

Don't come up with a different excuse every time...it's shirking the responsibility and the woman will catch on eventually (and won't be pleased). I didn't hear you mention Cameron's opinion on this....does he have any interest in playing with this boy? And what do you mean by shady?
On the subject of pushy kids, Cameron will have to learn to deal with that...perhaps if he plays with this boy in your home, it would be a safe environment to work with both boys on constructive play behaviour. And remember, this kid is, what, five years old? Pushy behaviour at 5 does not make him a bad kid. I was a hell of a bossy child (oh, wait...here I am bossing you lol). Also, some children fit better into a more submissive play role...maybe he and Cam would get along great (with proper supervision to ensure they're both hearing each other, learning to listen, learning to cooperate.....structured play is a great way to teach this).
Of course, you know best. If you're seeing things that make you really uncomfortable, you're absolutely right to keep Cam from going over there. In this case, I'd be as honest as you can be without hurting the woman's feelings too badly....but first, maybe you should get to know this women before making a final judgement. Why not invite both her and her son over? The boys can play (and you can check out how they interact when it's just the two of them) and you mums can have coffee and get to know each other. If you're still not cool with the situation at her house, you can deal with it then, when you will have all the info you need to make a well-informed decision.
Well, that's my 2 cents. Feel free to ignore me completely if you like.
Good luck.

Cameron is always telling me about how mean and naughty this boy is at school. I hear about how he hits and name calls, and such... Which is not the kind of behavior I promote at home. Cameron is a pretty sensitive boy also, and really takes things to heart (he is ALOT like I was as a child).
As far as my statement about the family being shady...They have people there (indside & out) at all hours, they have teenagers outside their home smoking...those kinds of things...

I spoke with my mom today, and asked her opinion. She mentioned that she went through the same thing with me when I was little. She said that if I have a bad feeling about the situation, then it is probably best to trust my instincts and to just simply and politely say, "No, Cameron cannot play right now." And leave it at that. Also that I am owed no one a reason why.

Any input?

Mommy knows best.

If you're gut is telling you things are shady and this kid is potentially harmful to Cam, then by all means follow it. When I was still in High School, there was a family that lived across the street from us and there was a boy that was just like you described above. He came over all the time asking if my brothers could go over and play with him. Even his family was "shady" in the same sense. My parent's had that "feeling" and politely told them that my brothers were not allowed to play after school because they had to do homework and chores. Turns out, the older brothers were dealing marijuana and their parent's were letting them! The cops were even called to their house about 6 times. Not to mention one of his sisters got pregnant when she was a freshman. I'm not trying to scare you, but I thought a personal experience would shed some light on the topic.

I always got with what my feelings tell me. I went through a similiar situation when my son was younger. The little boy that played with my son was not a bad kid, but he was a handful, and was very free with his hands. To the point where he hurt my son more then once, "thank god it wasn't anything serious, he was bigger then my son, so he felt he could pick on him. My husband and I did speak to his parents, but they felt there son could do no wrong. Which was interesting because their son had problems with everyone in the neighborhood and in school as well. Needless to say they never played together again outside school after the incident. He did however continued to pick on my son because he was shorter then him for about 2 years, until a year later my son returned to school, and had grown over the summer and this kid didn't (my son had a major growth spurt), he decided to leave my son alone. Sorry for being so long. Hope this helps, I would go with what your gut feeling is telling you.

Definitely agree....If Cameron's not interested in playing, that alone is enough...it's his playdate after all. Add your bad feelings and the stuff you've seen around their place, and you've got a boatful of valid reasons to keep him out of there. I agree with your mom. Leaving it at "cameron can't play right now" is probably best. But you might want to think about what you'd say if asked "why not?". Just so you're not caught off guard.

Sorry I don't have any advice for you but good luck with this situation!

Originally Posted by Leli

Definitely agree....If Cameron's not interested in playing, that alone is enough...it's his playdate after all. Add your bad feelings and the stuff you've seen around their place, and you've got a boatful of valid reasons to keep him out of there. I agree with your mom. Leaving it at "cameron can't play right now" is probably best. But you might want to think about what you'd say if asked "why not?". Just so you're not caught off guard.

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That is definitely something that I have thought about... What WOULD I say if asked why not? This question, quite honestly, leaves me stumped. Do I say, "Just because." or what?? I dont want to come up with a different excuse every time. But.. what do you say to a child? or even.. what do you say to a child with his mother standing behind him???

Originally Posted by DinahCat

That is definitely something that I have thought about... What WOULD I say if asked why not? This question, quite honestly, leaves me stumped. Do I say, "Just because." or what?? I dont want to come up with a different excuse every time. But.. what do you say to a child? or even.. what do you say to a child with his mother standing behind him???

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I would say "that it is not a good time right now" and if the other mother pushes for a reason, you have your validation of your feelings...
Even tell her that when a good time comes up, you will let her know... When that "time" never comes up they should get the hint... Just remember you are Cam's mom and you have full say in what he does/ who he plays with, and no one can question that

Eventually it may come down to that you have to say that you do not think it is a good idea for your sons to have play-time outside of school... No matter what his mother thinks you have that right.

Good luck

Sounds like good advice to me. And if he does want to play, have him play at home and supervised and politely instruct the kid on how to behave in your home while hes there. When his mother comes let her know nicely if there was a problem and want it was and let her know that at least here that behavior isnt tolerated. She can either agree or not. Maybe he wont be back after that. At the very least you get a chance to see your son in action and also help him learn how to cope as well. Good luck!

Hrmn... that's a tough one. I have to say that I'm not fond of Alex playing with other kids outside of playgroup after all of his behavioural problems and some of the kids having picked up on that and then being a bit mean to him about it. But the thing is, they don't actually learn anything unless you let them. I know you might feel that this kid's family are a bit shady... but maybe this kid is perfectly nice. You'll not know until he's given a chance. If Cameron shows the interest in playing with this child, perhaops you could let them play together for a couple of hours - but in your home, where you can keep a close eye on things. If things get out of hand, or you don't like what's going on, you can always ask him to leave. You don't have to be mean about it, maybe explain that someone's been on the phone, and you have to take Cameron out for the rest of the day. If Cameron doesn't express the interest, just explain that sorry, Cameron doesn't want to play today, maybe another time. Always leave it open ended, until you get to know this child and a little bit more about his family. It could be that the teenagers smoking outside the house are as much as a problem to them, as it is a bad impression to others. I still think that 8:30 is a lousy time for a kid to come knocking on door, so maybe suggest that he tries later on in the day instead of the crack of sparrows! I see no harm in them at least having the chance to se ewhat it's like. Whichever way it swings, it'll be an experience. Just watch for any real changes in Cameron, just to make sure he's not being sucked into anything he doesn't want to be doing, or he's being bullied. It's always a risk... but it's just a case of risk limitation. Good luck!