You know what, clixpix? You've hit the nail on the head with three words: Pretend Boyfriend Syndrome. I'm sorry you've had to live it to coin the phrase. But boy, what a hit title for a relationship book. If you're a writer, write the book!
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Brokenhearted... (Long)
- Thread starter malakai711
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- #22
You are absolutely right about that! I've said it a million times.. "Why do I need a boyfriend? Adrian treats me better than any guy I've dated and I dont have to worry about him being possessive, etc." We act like we're together, everyone thinks we're together.. it's actually rather uncomfortable when people ask "So, how long have you been together?" and we say "oh, we're not...." they just look at us like "UM! WHY NOT!?! You're perfect for each other"
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The other issue here is if you keep up this friendship to the degree it is now to fulfill your feelings for Adrian, you really do run the risk of him being comfortable the way it is forever. In other words, why should he take the risk or make the commitment when things are just dandy the way they are. He may never step up to the plate and want to take the relationship to the next level, as he gets all of his emotional needs met in this friendship without having to take the risk. He's also eternally free to keep on looking, as the 2 of you aren't a couple. You're 'just friends'. At the risk of sounding trite, why buy the cow when you can get the mil for free?
I also speak from experience in this matter. My very dear and close friend is an ex-boyfriend. We were together for 6 years and have been in this 'just friends' place in the universe for almost 5. It has been a very difficult relationship to manage, and I really don't recommend it to anyone. I spent a couple of years feeling like 'we'll get back together; it's obvious he has feelings for me' mode. Friends ask all the time if we are back together. New people we meet assume we are a couple and have a tough time believing we aren't. It was painful for a long time when things never progressed. It took even longer for me to accept our relationship for what it is and will always be. He has major commitment issues with everything in his life.
Now don't get me wrong, because I value his friendship and it has grown to the point where we are more like family - brother and sister. But if I had to do it over again, I would have walked away clean. And I am in my 40s, not my 20s, like you.
clixpix: Wish I had heard your "Pretend Boyfriend Syndrome" term 5 years ago. I might have made different choices. You're a pretty wise person.
I also speak from experience in this matter. My very dear and close friend is an ex-boyfriend. We were together for 6 years and have been in this 'just friends' place in the universe for almost 5. It has been a very difficult relationship to manage, and I really don't recommend it to anyone. I spent a couple of years feeling like 'we'll get back together; it's obvious he has feelings for me' mode. Friends ask all the time if we are back together. New people we meet assume we are a couple and have a tough time believing we aren't. It was painful for a long time when things never progressed. It took even longer for me to accept our relationship for what it is and will always be. He has major commitment issues with everything in his life.
Now don't get me wrong, because I value his friendship and it has grown to the point where we are more like family - brother and sister. But if I had to do it over again, I would have walked away clean. And I am in my 40s, not my 20s, like you.
clixpix: Wish I had heard your "Pretend Boyfriend Syndrome" term 5 years ago. I might have made different choices. You're a pretty wise person.
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When you say you don't need a boyfriend, are you being honest with yourself? Is "just friends" what you really need? It is uncomfortable when people ask how long you've been together...eventually that question will be more than uncomfortable, and become downright painful! Don't shortchange yourself on your needs just to satisfy another.
Deb makes good points and gives you good warning. Deb, I'm sorry you've had to learn this lesson too. I have a feeling it's more common than we think. I think I'll stick to my Gay Boyfriend. That way I know it can't go anywhere
Mrsd...you have a good suggestion there...any writers out there want to collaborate?
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- #25
To be perfectly honest, I broke up with my ex-boyfriend of 4 years several months back... We were separated for a while but it didnt become 'official' until a few months ago... I still talk to him and to be honest, there is a part of me that still loves him, a part of me that will always love him because he was my first love... The break up was my decision and in my heart and my head I know that I dont want to get back with him again because I know that I deserve better... He's not a bad guy at all... He's wonderful but not for me... We arent the same people we were when we started dating and I need someone who is more suitable for me... I have come to the realization that I truly dont need a man to measure my self-worth.... I don't need a boyfriend to make me happy... What I really need or 'want', rather, is the companionship of 'true friends'... So, I'm not really out there 'looking' for one... I actually explained this to my best friend yesterday... I'm not looking for a boyfriend.. If I happen to meet someone who peaks my interest, which will be very hard after spending so much time with Adrian because I've become very selective about the type of person that I want to be with, then I will consider a relationship with them... Otherwise, I'm okay with being alone in the interim... As for my feelings for Adrian, he is the only guy that seems to have peaked that interest... I truly do care for and love him as a friend... and my feelings have deepened to the point that I would be thrilled to take it further, however, over the last few days, my fear is that he will pull away from me in fear of my feelings for him... I'm more afraid at the thought of losing his friendship than I am at never being in a romantic relationship with him... For now, if all he wants is friendship, I can handle that and I am content with it... How long will that last?? I have no idea... Only time will tell...
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- #26
Adrian and I went to visit my 'family' in New Jersey yesterday... He was tired all day and rather quiet so, on the way home last night I asked him if he needed anything before I brought him home and he mentioned something that would help him sleep... Let's just say, it's something that allows him to let his guard down completely and say the things that he's otherwise afraid to say... Well, anyway... We were standing in the park, freezing, and I leaned closer to him to get warm... He put his arms around me and I tilted my head up and kissed him... He looked at me and said 'Why ya gettin' all mushy on me?' and I said 'Because you're cute'
and he just smiled at me and I asked him 'Why? Is it so bad to kiss me?' and he said 'Na, because lately I've been wanting to do things that I dont think I should really want to do...' and he pulled me closer to him... We started kissing and I said 'are you still tryin to tell me that you dont want me?'... He stepped back and said 'but, how do I want you?' so, I looked at him and said 'That's for you to figure out...' His eyes teared up and he pulled me closer and said 'What I need and what I want are two different things...' He asked me why I felt the way I did about him and I told him everything... What I see when I look at him, what I feel when I'm with him, why I want him the way I do... and then he said something that really confused me 'Gimme 2 days and I'll give you all the answers you want?' he told me to write down on a piece of a paper... "In 2 days, Adrian will give me the password to his computer..." So, we sat in the car to warm up and we spent hours talking.. He asked me questions and I asked him questions... He told me how much he loves spending time with me, because I'm unique, sexy, and most of all I'm REAL with him... I told him that the reason I want to be with him, that I have the feelings for him that I do is because I can be real with him... I dont have to pretend to be someone else... That I feel safe with him... When I walk down the street with him I know that he'll never let anyone hurt me... When he holds me, I feel like there's nothing that can harm me... He told me that he doesnt think it's a coincidence that my sister said we're meant to be together because he had been thinking the same thing... that he doesnt know if it's right that he wants to 'go further' with me because he's unsure of himself... and I told him that I dont want to be with him like that until he's fully ready to be with me because as bad as it makes him feel to be so unsure, it would make me feel worse to be with him knowing he is so unsure... He asked me why I feel that intimacy is so important and I told him that I only allow myself to be with someone that I care about and that, to me, it's a form of expression more so than a means for pleasure... He agreed with me that it's a form of expression but that the ultimate reason for the action is actually to reproduce and that if he's not ready to do that then he has no right to be doing it at all... I asked him why he wanted me to wait 2 days for answers and what his computer has to do with anything... He told me that originally he was really tired and he just wanted to go home, sleep and spend the day thinking about what he wanted to say to me... that the password to his computer is a word that sums up all his feelings... fear... and that if I have the password to his computer it proves that he can completely trust me... So, what do you think it means?
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- #28
LoL
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I'm glad you guys had such a long talk, and that you're not afraid to tell him how you feel and what you want. So many people are afraid to do that!
He's a mysterious one, isn't he? I can't imagine why he had a two day time line. You'll have to wait and see what this "word" is that so sums everything up.
Perhaps he's subconsciously testing you. He'll see if he can trust you with his computer password, and then make sure he can trust you with more.
Just make sure you never use that password
!
He's a mysterious one, isn't he? I can't imagine why he had a two day time line. You'll have to wait and see what this "word" is that so sums everything up.
Perhaps he's subconsciously testing you. He'll see if he can trust you with his computer password, and then make sure he can trust you with more.
Just make sure you never use that password
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- #30
Well, I asked him why he wanted to wait 2 days to talk to me and what his computer password had to do with it... He said that he was tired and he wanted to go home and sleep... Then, he wanted to spend the day thinking about how to explain his feelings to me... but, he pretty much told me everything he wanted to say last night... and he told me the password is "fear".... "fear" drives his every decision... but not 'fear' in the sense of being afraid... 'fear' in the sense of 'respect'... like when you were a kid you were taught to fear, or have a respect for, water because it is dangerous... Well that's how he thinks of sex... he's not afraid of it, he respects it.... to him, making love is an expression of feelings, more so than anything else... I feel the same way, the only difference is that he realizes that the purpose of the physical action is to have children and until he's ready for that, he doesnt feel that has any right to partake in the action... especially when he can show his love in other ways... he told me last nihgt... "Lyz, I show my love by spending time with you... by being here..."
He makes my heart melt..
hehe
And he had he nerve to ask why I want him so bad... because I find things like that irresistably romantic and sexy... UGH!!
I'm a dork!! LoL
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- #31
I talked to Adrian's best friend Lyndon tonight... Adrian went to visit a friend and left Lyndon at his house so I went to pick him up and bring him home and in the car on the way back we started talking about what happened the other night in the park and how Adrian totally opened up to me... and Lyndon said that he spoke to Adrian about me and that, as usual, he cant tell me exactly what he said but that Adrian wanted Lyndon to talk to me so that I would have someone to vent to... He told me that I have to stop being so insecure because I have absolutely NO reason to doubt Adrian and I have NO reason to be insecure where Adrian is concerned... that Adrian admitted to me that he wants me but he's just scared and I need to give him time to find himself... In the meantime, enjoy what we have for what it is and eventually he'll come around... I told Lyndon that I cant find the words to describe my feelings for Adrian and that whatever words I choose dont seem strong enough... they dont justify my feelings and he simply said "That's called Love, Lyz"...
I'm sorry hun, but I'm going to put a small dent in your happiness. This phrase just jumped out at me:
I think you need to take sex out of the picture totally, whether its sex or the act of expression, making love. This is something my friend and I did a number of years ago when we decided to try dating each other. Everyone said the same thing about us. That we were perfect for each other. Heck, his mother and his brother were trying to talk Mike into asking me to marry him! When we started dating, we made a pact... no sex for 6 months. We could kiss each other, but no touching/fondling. Because we knew so much about each other, we weren't learning about each other like a normal couple. We kinda jumped into dating in the middle of a relationship instead of at the beginning.
By taking the possibility of sex out of the equation, we were able to learn that we truly loved each other, but had no passion for each other. 20 years later, we would still kill for each other, but we're married to other people.
Someone who says he has "no right to be doing it at all" has something else going on. Its either a self esteem problem, or depression, or another woman.
I think you need to take sex out of the picture totally, whether its sex or the act of expression, making love. This is something my friend and I did a number of years ago when we decided to try dating each other. Everyone said the same thing about us. That we were perfect for each other. Heck, his mother and his brother were trying to talk Mike into asking me to marry him! When we started dating, we made a pact... no sex for 6 months. We could kiss each other, but no touching/fondling. Because we knew so much about each other, we weren't learning about each other like a normal couple. We kinda jumped into dating in the middle of a relationship instead of at the beginning.
By taking the possibility of sex out of the equation, we were able to learn that we truly loved each other, but had no passion for each other. 20 years later, we would still kill for each other, but we're married to other people.
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- #33
He says that he has 'no right to be doing it' because he doesnt want children and he doesnt want even the remote possibility of it happening.... We DONT have sex... We kiss... maybe a little more sometimes... but we've never had sex... The reason that we've been having these conversations lately is because I told him that I want to make love to him... and he's not ready for that... That's what Lyndon and I have talked about... We've already pinpointed his "problem"... He's scared of the feelings that he has for me... he scared of moving on and he's not sure of himself... It's DEFINATELY NOT another woman.. believe me, this is a guy that doesnt even LOOK at girls... I've watched him in bars when girls come over to him and he doesnt know I'm even there... He pays them NO attention at all... The only thing this has to do with another woman is that the reason he closed himself off from everyone in the first place is because his ex-gf left him and he was destroyed by it... he promised himself he would NEVER fall for another girl again because he didnt want to be hurt again.. and NOW... he's falling for me (according to Lyndon) and he's petrified... He equates Love with Death... Everything he's ever loved as died or left him.. and he's afraid that I'm gonna do the same thing...
I hate to say this but you have a very screwed-up guy there, who may never react 'normally' to you. I once dated a man who would not have any physical contact that could be related to sex ( I once kissed him during a 'wrestling' match) and it never got better, over two years. He was the same with his next girl friend, whom I knew and we finally decided it was all over his relationship with his mother, who was very dominant but who died when he was young. Or you have to consider that a man who makes excuses like this might be a repressed gay, refusing for some reason to admit it even to himself. And there are true celibates out there, capable of emotion but not desiring anything more. Think long and hard before you continue the relationship - there may be nothing but heartbreak for you at the end.
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- #36
I get the feeling that you're right... I havent spoken to him since Monday when he told me he would call me back and never did... I was so happy last night after I spoke to Lyndon despite the fact that he still hadnt called me... I decided to call his house tonight and his brother said he's sleeping, probably because he never sleeps and when he does it's impossible to wake him... So, at this point, despite what Lyndon said that I have no reason to be insecure because he wants to be with me, I'm beginning to feel insecure again... I've just decided not to call him anymore... and wait for him to call me... The sad part is he'll probably call me tomorrow, tell me that he was at his friends house till yesterday, didnt sleep while he was there and just knocked out yesterday... and then I'll be perfectly fine as tho I wasnt sitting here depressed tonight... What the hell is wrong with me!??
Dear Liza,
My heart is breaking for you. Please don't look for direction from Lyndon, he has no idea what's going on.
I have to agree with the Pretend Boyfriend Syndrome on your part and the messed-up sexual attitudes on his. Go back and read your posts -- you are way too concerned about his welfare and much too unconcerned about your own.
You deserve better -- he's not going to give it to you.
There's a best-selling self-help book titled Maybe He's Just Not That Into You. It says when a man tells you he doesn't want a relationship he means he doesn't want one with you. When he says he doesn't want sex he mean he doesn't want sex with you. Maybe he has just enough honesty to not have sex when he knows he doesn't want that kind of relationship with you. Maybe he really doesn't want a sexual relationship with anyone, or whatever. It still means it's time to start making room in your life for someone who does.
This is hard and I didn't sugar-coat it, but only because I wish I had known this when I was your age.
My heart is breaking for you. Please don't look for direction from Lyndon, he has no idea what's going on.
I have to agree with the Pretend Boyfriend Syndrome on your part and the messed-up sexual attitudes on his. Go back and read your posts -- you are way too concerned about his welfare and much too unconcerned about your own.
You deserve better -- he's not going to give it to you.
There's a best-selling self-help book titled Maybe He's Just Not That Into You. It says when a man tells you he doesn't want a relationship he means he doesn't want one with you. When he says he doesn't want sex he mean he doesn't want sex with you. Maybe he has just enough honesty to not have sex when he knows he doesn't want that kind of relationship with you. Maybe he really doesn't want a sexual relationship with anyone, or whatever. It still means it's time to start making room in your life for someone who does.
This is hard and I didn't sugar-coat it, but only because I wish I had known this when I was your age.
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- #38
Well, I got my answer... Adrian just called to see how I was... I pretended like nothing was wrong and he said "I'm so sorry I havent called you.. I went upstate with Josh and his sister wouldnt let him take the van to bring me home because of the storm so I was stuck up there... When I got home yesterday I just knocked out on the couch because I hadnt really slept in 4 days and then I had class and knocked out again.... I just woke up and called you..." He asked me what I was doing all day and I told him I had plans with my best friend and he asked if he could see me tomorrow cuz he wants to chill so, I told him to call me later and we'll figure it out.. God, I'm a dork! Am I over-reacting when he doesnt call me? The concensus among my friends is YES! LoL What do you guys think?
