OK - here goes. We're adopting a daughter and she needs prayers.

Originally Posted by hissy

also if she does get on your computer, what if she stumbles across this thread? How much damage would that do to what you are trying to establish with this person?

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Good point. Hopefully we don't have to worry about that right now. She's shown no interest in the computer, and isn't alone ever right now. She should be checking into detox within a day or two, so won't have access to the computer for a month.

Of course there are many, many issues and questions. I worry about the best way to handle things, but whether or not, in the end, she sees this thread isn't an overwhelming concern. She seems to be incredibly mature for her age in certain respects - of course, she's been forced to grow up in a way that many aren't. But with her renewed incredibly positive outlook on life, and the hope and compassion that has obviously always burned inside of her, if she did happen to stumble on this thread, I'm pretty sure she'd discuss it with us and appreciate it for what it is. We love her to bits, we're doing everything we can to reinforce her knowledge of that. We've made our commitment and continue to prove it to her again and again - and as someone who was asking for prayers for her, and reaching out to share with others the wonder that is happening around us - I don't know that it would do that much damage.

We certainly discuss with our friends and family on the phone what's going on, and she's been around for that for the past few days. While she's ashamed of her heroine addiction, we're really working on that with her, and it is what it is. She knows we're discussing it with others, and she's said it's OK. In fact, she's been getting on and saying "hi" to people. So it's not like she's in the dark about the fact that we're sharing with people close to us what's going on. It's just that this being in "black and white" so to speak, and over a period of time - it might feel quite different than the on-going phone conversations. I think it wasn't an issue so much of my talking about her in the third person, although I think it would be better if she chose the time and place to discuss the deeper details of her life with others, some of which I shared here - I was also more concerned about her reading the stuff that, as Stefanie put it, was written to me, not for her, not so much what I've been writing - except, as I mentioned, some of the details - which, perhaps, it would have been better had I not shared.

On the other hand, TCS is such a "safe" place, and that's why I come here and why I share. So that in and of itself could be something valuable, and this entire discussion instructive and not hurtful. No way to know!

Well, I'd forgotten to mention that the computer has a password to access it, and the Internet Access has additional password protection.

But it's all moot now anyway. Naomi woke up, and we discussed it. I told her all about TCS and how important it is and has been in my life, and about a lot of the people on the site, and about the thread.

So, on behalf of Naomi, I am officially thanking everyone who sent up a prayer or positive vibe her way. She was almost in tears about it, and said her biggest fear, right now, is not the call to say the bed's ready - but that she'll wake up from the best dream of her life (not exactly those words, but something like that). She genuinely appreciates all the good will, and hopes she will be worthy of it.

After the discussion, I told her my only worry was that some people had written in with concerns, and she said (like I expected!) that she totally understood that, and that if it's coming from a caring place, she totally understands. She's obviously known junkies that do steal, that have hurt other people and taken advantage of people. She said they used to make fun of her, because she would never participate in harrassing people or robbing other people. She says she's never stolen, and doesn't lie "as much as" the "usual junkie." Quite frankly, I believer her. But again, it makes no difference to me in the long run.

Anyway, we decided that I'd go ahead and delete the thread when she gets out of rehab - or whenever it is, or if she ever wants to check out TCS, just so she isn't subconsciously prejudiced against anybody who may have said something that would make her feel bad about herself accidentally because of what they were communicating to me.

....and then we had the conversation about how it's so disappointing to Gary and I that we couldn't have found her six years ago - but that we weren't ready for it then... and how unlike other families, because we get to start so late in life together, as already formed people, so to speak, we get to start with a "clean slate" as a family, and so we have the opportunity to build a family relationship built on honesty and trust, because we're just here, warts and all, not trying to be "examples" as parents, and hide our problems and foibles, and she's not trying to hide her fears and problems - that, in fact, this is an opportunity for all of us to do a lot of exploring, healing and growing.

Her favorite book, right at the moment, is Dr. Wayne Dyer's "10 Secrets for Succedss and Inner Peace."

The 10 secrets are (the chapters of the book):

1) Have a Mind that is open to everything and attached to nothing
2) Don't Die with Your Music Still In You
3) You Can't Give Away What You Don't Have
4) Embrace Silence
5) Give Up Your Personal History
6) You Can't Solve a Problem with the Same Mind that Created It
7) There Are No Justified Resentments
8) Treat Yourself as if You Already Are What You'd Like to Be
9) Treasure Your Divinity
10) Wisdom Is Avoiding All Thoughts That Weaken You

That's an amazing girl you have there! I've been keeping up with this thread, and sending my positive vibes along with so many others. I was a bit concerned when you brought up what to do with the thread. I'm so relieved you've discussed this with her, and not just deleted it. I think invariably Naomi would have found out about this thread, especially if she ever decides to post. Some well meaning person could have inadvertantly spilled the beans. The three of you are so open and honest with each other, it would be a shame to lose that trust by keeping secrets, even if done with the best of intentions.

Continued good thoughts and positive vibes coming your way.

I'm glad to hear she'll be getting into rehab soon, and wish her the best of luck and health!

Laurie, what an amazing and mature daughter you have. I am so pleased you discussed the thread with her and came to a decision together about it. The level of honesty between you is wonderful, I hope you all do your best to maintain it. If Naomi does decide some day to join us at TCS, I know everyone will welcome her with open arms.

I am glad that you told her about the thread. I think it was important for you not have secrets from her and the 2 of you deciding together what to do about the tread in important. It shows how much trust and love you have for her and hopefully that will only help her get stronger and better. I will be keeping her (and you and Gary) in my prayers)

I think it was a wise choice to tell her about the thread, instead of just to delete the thread. This way when or if she decides to join TCS she knows that everyone here gave support and encouragement to her parents as well as herself.
I think she would feel embarassed if she decided to join and 3 or 4 months down the road found out that there was a whole thread about her and no one here said anything to her about it. Like maybe we were trying to hide it from her. In situations like this its best to have as much honesty as possible.
TRUST
You made a very important parenting choice. Good job MOM.

Originally Posted by snosrap5

.....TRUST
You made a very important parenting choice.

Good job MOM.

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Yeah - this mom/dad thing is TOTALLY new to us, lol! I am certain we will make many, many, many mistakes. But ya gotta start somewhere, and trust is certainly a good place.

One thing is for sure - this is NOT a normal family, lol! We have the weirdest conversations, because the Docs do NOT want her to go cold-turkey. We have to keep her medicated, as everytime she's been in a detox (from being picked up off the streets by the police), she's had seizures when they cold-turkey her and she winds up in the hospital in critical care. The Doc explained all the meds to us very carefully, the dosages, etc., and what we can substitute for what. So she and her father (who has drug experience from 28 - 30 years ago, but at least understands from experience what she's going through physically and emotionally) get down to "business" several times in a 24-hour period... "OK - you can have three Delaudid (sp?), and four colonopin. OK. You can snort two of the delaudid, and trade one for a Xanax."

Naomi looked up at him this afternoon and started giggling. Gary got really mad and said, "Sweetie - this is NOT funny. I love that we're negotiating about this, and I'm so glad you're not IV anymore. We are SO PROUD of you, but I SO WISH we were negotiating what time you're coming home from a date or something, NOT drugs!" She did get serious, and said she agreed. She said she's really trying hard not to show it, but she's quite freaking out from no more I.V., even though the drugs she's on are really helping with the physical side effects. She does shake pretty much constantly right now despite all the relaxants she's on, and she is mostly sleeping, and sweating up an storm. We're up to about 18 - 20 hours a day now, and that's probably the way it will stay until she gets admittance. Hopefully tomorrow, hopefully tomorrow. We have to call Sunrise at 9:00am to find out.

One note of caution and this may not apply to a rehab. When I was on a psych unit over the summer, the patients did have limited use of the internet. Maybe this is something you should check out beforehand.

Good Luck, my heart is with you!

I have nothing to really add except... Good luck and let us know!

Naomi really should write a book after her detox and everything is complete and you should help her. I am glued to this thread and absolutely hooked to your story. It takes some amazing people to do what you and Gary are doing. Can't wait for the next updates.

I think her writing a book may be good. It would probably be good idea anyway for her to keep a journal throughout this whole experience, as it may help her with her progress if she if able to write down any feelings or thoughts that she shares with no one else right now. It will be a long process, but I'm sure it'll be worth it in the end for all three of you. Keep the updates coming!

No bed today. We're on the waiting list at Princeton House (a detox/rehab that uses methodone, which we're not that psyched about), Sunrise could be any day, and Carrier gave us a list of facilities that use medication to bring down opiate addicts, so we're hitting the phones again. I also looked up the American Society of Addiction Medicine registered M.D.s and Psychologists in the area, and we're calling them too. Our doctor has said he'd be willing to supervise a personal program if she wants to check into a private room in the local hospital. We may do this as a last resort - we all agree that a complete program, with rehab combined with detox and family and individual therapy will be best though. Sunrise still seems the most promising, though we may begin outpatient rehab/treatment somewhere as a family until an actual bed comes through.

It turns out that the budget in NJ was cut very severly, and if I understood correctly, one of the most densely populated states in the country, essentially a part of the largest city in the country, has 1800 beds for detox - that is the total number, both private and public. No wonder everything has such wait times! The country has what - approximately 300 million people in it? About 3/4 - 1% of "us" are heroine addicts - that means there's approximately 1.5 to 3 million heroine addicts at any given time. And because we kicked out the Taliban in Afghanistan, heroine production has gone from something like 80 tonnes in 1999 to an estimated 2000 tonnes in 2004. (The prior record production was 1200 tonnes in 1978 or 1979). The cost of heroine has fallen from approximately $50 per bag to about $10 a bag - and the heroine is of a much higher quality. So the number of addicts is going up, and the amount of support and detox/rehab available is going down. What a world we live in.

Anyway, big news. I remembered that I forgot to correct something I'd written. When I started this thread, I knew very little about Naomi, and had spent little time with her. Gary had spent most of the initial time with her, and it wasn't until after getting the results that we really became a threesome. We've never pushed Naomi to talk about her past, and we didn't know much. But the information I'd initially written was about Juliette, not Naomi, and I forgot to tell you guys. Gary had simply thought I was talking about one, not the other, and when the physical copy of the background check arrived here, I was a bit confused. Not that the story is much different - though that her parents are alive is pretty big! But that's what she'd told Gary to begin with, so I want to be very clear about that. She also has an older sister, Rachael, but what happened last night/this morning is going to make a lot more sense if I get this straightened out before I tell you what happened. Also, I think I remember posting that Naomi's fear of abandonment is much larger than her fear of abuse - and when I wrote that, I'd forgotten that I'd never corrected the information about her background (which she's OK with me sharing).

Yeah - it turns out her mom and dad are both still alive. They divorced when she was very young. She lived with her mom and sister, and her mom's boyfriend. Her mom's boyfriend was very abusive to the three of them, and as Naomi puts it, her sister and mom were in denial about it, and she got very angry watching them cover bruises on their faces with makeup, and she would always fight back. It got to the point where mom's boyfriend forced the mom to make a decision - me or the kid. Mom chose the boyfriend, and Naomi was sent to her father, who was also abusive, and an alcoholic. She said she wants to be completely honest, so the truth is he worked a lot of hours, she spent a lot of time on her own and resented it. She started acting out, was a "bad" kid (whatever that means - didn't go into it), and started coming home really late. One night he slammed her into the wall, and she ended up in the hospital. She was taken straight into the foster system from there, and she wouldn't go into any details about what happened, but she wound up in a group home and that's where she ran away from.

We ended up having this outpouring because she woke up terrified from what was obviously a horrible dream. It's a recurring dream where her grandfather locks her in a closet, which used to happen. Her mom would leave her with her grandparents. Again - alcoholic, abusive - grandma an alcoholic in denial - and grandpa would lock her in a closet (in her dream she's four when it happens) - and in her dream, as in real life, she would scream until she had no voice left.

But she really wanted to talk after that, so we let her. And despite all that's happened to her - as a junkie, on the road, as an abused child - the moment in her life that had the most impact was when her mom chose Jeff over her. As she put it "the abuse is just physical, and I was so angry with my mom and my sister for always lying about it and always telling me everything was going to be OK when I KNEW it wasn't - but what do you do when you're 11 years old and your mom doesn't want you anymore?"

Oh my god, our hearts were just breaking.

This girl is such a survivor, and the more time we spend with her (awake), and the more we get to know her, the more I respect and admire her.

Anyway, the huge news is she decided she wanted to call her biological mom this morning. She hasn't talked to her in over a year, but she thinks she worries about her sometimes, and she wants her to know that for the first time that she can really remember, she's happy.

She called from her own room, and spent a few minutes on the phone with her, walked out crying, and said "Dad, would you please talk to her?" Gary spent some time on the phone with her (her name is Regina). It was so weird. When he got off, Gary said she's clearly not a well woman, she's a manipulator, and in her mind everything that happened to Naomi is Naomi's fault. Naomi told her that we are adopting her. Regina told Gary that she thought it's something that ought to be discussed with her, and Gary disagreed. "Naomi is no longer a minor, she's been on her own for six years, and it's her decision to make." She said she wanted to speak to Naomi regularly, and again, Gary told her that will be Naomi's decision to make. She was obviously defensive, told Gary that Naomi is a constant liar, and that she doubts she'll ever be able to kick heroine. Gary didn't try to argue, but simply told her why we think Naomi can be successful, and said that any future contact would be up to Naomi, and ended the call with a "good luck" kind of thing. (I can only imagine what he REALLY wanted to say!)

Naomi was worried while Gary was on the phone with Regina because we could only hear his side of the conversation. Naomi told Gary what she thought her mom would say, and it was pretty much as it went. Naomi was worried for a minute that Gary would believe Regina - but as Gary pointed out to Naomi, she would not have handed him the phone if she didn't trust him to begin with. She had a really, really good cry while we both held her, and then she took her drugs and fell peacefully to sleep while we petted her head.

Sigh. With that kind of background, is it any wonder that she sought the "escape" of drugs? Poor baby. She must have an incredible inner strength to go through all that, and still be a kind, good person, still with the ability to trust. Amazing.

Tough night! Oh wow, that's a hard life. I'm not surprised why she is so confused about actually being CARED ABOUT!! Well, at least things will get better. ARE already better.

Laurie and Gary,

I can't stop crying - I've had so many pages to catch up on, and well what can I say! I feel like I know Naomi, it sounds as though she is a really strong person. Hopefully she will be apart of TCS someday. Even though I have never talked to her obviousely I feel she is a good friend.

Lots of love,

Sam.

What a huge step that was for her to call her biological mother. IMO, biology does not a parent make - you and Gary are more parents to her in the short time you have known her then her "mom" ever was. I think this phone call was a great step for her to start the healing process. Maybe she just needed to talk to her "mom" one last time before being able to say - yes! I can kick this.