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how do i walk away

post #1 of 44
Thread Starter 
i'm not sure if i'm doing the right thing or not by posting this but ive got to let this out.

I've been married for 8 years we don't fight or scream and my husband don't abuse me but im not in love with ron and i haven't been for a very long time it seem's when i stopped drinking in april 2001 things in my life started to look differn't and when dad passed away last year things even started to change more in my life its kinda like im married but i live alone we do noughting together at all its like being room mates and im trying to find away out of this i go to church but he doesn't go with me and ive prayed on this and hoped he'd would go and i don't think its ever going to change and i notice some changes in him and i found out hes been drinking again and has been drinking for the past 5 months

sometimes i even think he may be cheating on me but i can't prove it i wish i would catch him then i would have all the reason to walk out on this marriage
i can't even say if i even know what love is or have i ever been in love i think alot of that has to do with my pass cause i was never sober up untill april 2001 and ive been drug free since 1987 can a marriage be saved when people live like this?

im 41 years old and ive got to find happiness in my life but yet i don't want to hurt ron by telling him i don't want to be married anymore i don't know even how im going to tell him what a mess this is going to be i did open up and talked to mom about this and she could see im not happy and haven't been happy for along time

is there anyone else out there that can relate what im going through? im sorry to bring my personal stuff up but i got to figure out what im going to do

thanks for listen to me
post #2 of 44
I can't really answer that, can I? I've never really been in your situation - I stayed with a boyfriend longer than I wanted to because I didn't want to tell him, but that's a different thing from marriage.

I think what stands out in your post is that you said you need to find happiness, but you're afraid of telling your husband. I think your happiness is important and if you think you can't work it out, if you think there's no hope, you should keep your happiness in mind. That being said, if you think there's a chance that it could work out, I think you could try that too.

Good luck, sorry I can't help more.
post #3 of 44
A death males you reassess your life in a big way hun. You have a right to be happy.

If I were you I wouldn’t make any big decisions yet, your still grieving and you need to give yourself time to decide.

How would your husband feel about going to counselling together? You need to give him a chance to fix this and owe it to yourself to try then move on if it doesn’t work.

I hope everything works out for you.
post #4 of 44
I can't really say that I've been through anything like this to give advice, but it seems from your post that you still care for Ron. I know it can be difficult to raise this kind of subject, but he may be feeling the distance as well. Before making any major decisions I think you owe it to you and Ron to see if you can work this through. At least if you decide to leave at the end of it you'll know you've given it the best chance. But if it all comes out ok, you'll have a relationship that can only be strengthened by working through this together.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Feel free to talk to us anytime.
post #5 of 44
Wow! You've had some MAJOR changes in your life in the last few years!! No wonder you are searching for answers!!

This may sound very odd, and a trite cliche, but have you thought about the 7 year itch? My husband and my relationship hit the wall about 7-8 years into our marriage. It isn't that either had an affair, but everything went stale. It was shortly after my father in law died, a few years after I pretty much quit drinking and nothing was happening between us. It went as far as us getting divorce papers, but we decided on a trial separation. Steve moved out for about 4 months and we both had time to reassess our relationship. We're celebrating our 15 year anniversary this week and we're best friends. But we wouldn't be here if we hadn't had that break from each other.

My theory having gone thru it, is that you can simply get tired of each other after a while, particularly after some major traumatic events in your lives. The major events make your life look insignificant and the things in it trivial (like a spouse).

I can't tell you what to do, but I can empathasize with your situation. My only advice is to not make any permanent decisions while under emotional stress. Time will allow it to work out the best way for both of you - I know it sounds like a cliche but I am the eternal optimist and really believe that is how life works.

Hang in there RR!!
post #6 of 44
Rhonda, sorry I cannot help you, but your happiness is important, and I want you to know we are here for you!
post #7 of 44
I do hope you manage to work out what is best for you both and find the strength to carry it through. I stayed with a man I didn't love for 17 years, just living in the same house together. We ended up without friends or hobbies in common, only our daughter. He drank intermittently, never an alcoholic but he lost two jobs through drink. We never fought, we were just like strangers. And even though we shared a bed we never touched each other. I just thought I had to stay because of my daughter and because I really didn't know what else to do. Then when I was 45 the light dawned that I did not want to spend the rest of my life like that, and I was sure he didn't either, though we never talked about it (we never really talked about anything except the common courtesies of life). So I plucked up courage and left. He was totally shocked, though soon got over it. Since then he has remarried, and according to my daughter is very happy, and I have found a new life doing things I could never have done if we had been together. I am not saying leaving is right for everyone - think of what brought you together in the first place and whether that can ever be regained, and think of what might be best for both of you. If he is drinking again, is it because maybe he is unhappy too and can't tell you? Try and talk to him, calmly and openly and see what happens. But it is hard to find the right time - I know, I went throiugh it. Good luck with whatever you do.
post #8 of 44
I'd say really consider what others have already said. I too have been in a somewhat similar situation, but I chose to go through with the divorce.

About a year ago I broke it off with my wife after 11 years of marriage. I truly felt that I was no longer in love with her and I hadn't been for a number of years. I did not want to do counselling and I didn't try a trial separation. So, now we're divorced. I can't say I'd be happily married if we had tried those things, but I can't say I wouldn't be either - I just don't know, I never did them becuase I had given up hope that I could ever be happy.

All I'll suggest to you is that you think long and hard about this before you make any decisions. Don't rule out counselling and/or separation. Don't rule out talking with your husband - he may really want your marriage to work and be willing to work with you on why you are not happy.

This is a huge decision that requires you to think about the reasons behind why you want the change and to think about the results of the change if you go through with it.

I think in the end it does come down to your happiness. And also his too. I know my ex-wife will be happier when/if she finds someone that will love her the way I should have. But, with that said, if I hadn't divorced her and things had been reconciled, I would have saved her a lot of hurt.

Take your time with this decision and I hope it turns out well for you.

post #9 of 44
Well said, Cman
post #10 of 44
Thread Starter 
never thought so many out there carried so much sharing are pets and stuff are differn't but the help you guys are showing does help i have read each post here and would like to say thank you

first of all i will tell you what i've done over the past year or so i've gone to see a counsler through the church actually it started out as a grief counsler for my dads death but i started to open up about my marriage but it started to get to deep for me so i ran and haven't been back something (jennyranson) said in her post is so much of what im going through and its been like that for me for over 5 years now we share the same house and bed but thats it noughting more there has been no touching for over 5 years but that doesn't matter i think i can do with out that part its the part im missing is where you fill no love at all you fill as if your all alone i knew something was wrong a few years ago but didn't want to divorce cause i didn't want to let my dad down but now that hes gone theres really not much more to hang on to

I'm trying to hold out till the summer before doing anything i fill for him cause i don't know where hes going to live the house is in my name everythings in my name except his truck i do not like to hurt people i don't have it in my heart

But i'm hurting myself by staying in this marriage i don't want to be alone the rest of my life im just really scrared right now

thank you again everyone for helping through this it is a really big help for me i'm over whelmed with ya'll support sorry i don't spell to well either but i know you guys don't mind
post #11 of 44
I suppose I would recommend counseling. Having been in a similar situation about 10 or so years ago, I went the same route as CMan. I will say that things have not been easy, nor has the grass been as green as one might think. I look back, and I don't think I would have been happy staying married to my ex, but at the same time, life's no bed of roses out here either. I think I was motivated by really wanting to be happy, as well. I find it is truly an elusive thing.
post #12 of 44
Ooh Rhonda this is really tough. First of all I think you ought to go back to your Counsellor if you feel comfortable talking to him/her. As s/he already knows about your situation you won't have to start again from the beginning. Although it will be painful, so will separating from Ron, so it would be worth it to get straight how you feel first.

Perhaps not touching contributes towards feeling not loved. I know if hubby and me have a disagreement, the distance is the thing that hurts the most. Those little touches and feeling loved - for me - are part of the same package.

But most of all, if you feel that separating is right for you, you shouldn't stay together simply because of the material things. You can arrange the separation in such a way that Ron has time and space to sort himself out - but there's no way to avoid hurt in that situation. That said, ultimately if separation is the right thing, that's what you should do.

It's such a difficult time for you and I think giving yourself time, rather than jumping immediately, is the best thing you can do.

Take care - you know you always have friends you can talk to here at TCS!!


P.s. the spelling just isn't important.
post #13 of 44
If you really want to see if it's worth salvaging, you and hubby should attend counseling together.
post #14 of 44
I won't reiterate what others have said. It's all good advice. The one thing I'd like to pick up on is your comment "...i don't want to hurt ron by telling him i don't want to be married anymore...".

You may not be "in love" anymore, but this statement says to me you do still care for the man, and that, to me, gives hope -- at the very least, for having productive conversation with him, and reaching some mutual decision about what you need to do. Who knows, at this point, what the outcome will be, but it seems as if you have a real chance of getting there together, if you can only start the journey.

Beyond that, all I can say is I'm really sorry to hear you're having this difficult time, and I'll be thinking of you. Yes, it was right to spill it here -- we're your friends. That's what friends are for.
post #15 of 44
I have had 2 failed marriages so I am no expert by any stretch of the imagination, but as I saw it, life is too short to live in a miserable situation.
Maybe he is wanting the same, but afraid to bring it up.
Does he have means to support himself, as in renting a place of his own?
He may have nowhere to go and that may also be a reason he hasn't brought it up either.
I could be completely off, and I hope I am.
It would be great if you could rekindle the love you once had,
but don't beat a dead horse. Get on with rebuilding your life.
GOOD LUCK! and don't rush into anything permanent.
post #16 of 44
Rhonda, I don't have even near the answers you seek. You have a complicated situation on your hands and I believe very strongly that you perhaps already know the answer in your heart...and it's not an easy one. It will have many steps and many layers. But if you truly seek happiness, you will make it happen. I'm glad you're part of our TCS family and I want you to know that I am thinking of you. I wish I could be of better and more succinct advice right now but I am supporting you nevertheless.
post #17 of 44
My advise is simple:
Be careful what you wish for-you might just get it.
How do you know getting divorced will make you happy? Personally, I still love my soon-to-be-X, but I dreaded coming home and being her personal lackey and finding the house a mess that I had left clean.
What will it cost me?
That has yet to be determined but I can garron-tole you that if you hurt him, he may make a divorce a pretty miserable experience that in the end, only the lawyers will win.

If you're a Catholic, there's a program called "marriage encounters" that seems to work in a lot of cases, but my Mrs., now Mizzz didn't want to go to.
I couldn't have handcuffed her and made her go, but hey, maybe the handcuffs.....well, nevermind that.

My only question would be, do you have any shared interests? Hobbies? Volunteer work? That might be a place to find some common ground. I liked doing the animal rescue thing and my Mizzz always wanted me to go on the Theme-Park death-marches with her.

In the end, you have to determine what happy is and isn't and what you're willing to bear to BE happy.
It seems to me that as far as happy goes, you haven't had any in a long, long time and you might not recognize it when you see it.
Kind of like seeing an old friend that lost a TON of weight. "OMG! IS THAT REALLY YOU!"

All things being equal, I would conclude that you need to be careful because if you bluff with a divorce, you might just have your bluff called and then ante up.

I will tell you this though, I think that the next time around, I won't get married-I'll just incorporate.
Easier to sever the relationship that way.
post #18 of 44

I'm sorry you're going through so many difficult emotions, here.

I agree with the vote for counseling, though, either personal or joint (with your husband) because I think it will help you feel more secure about the decision you eventually reach, whether it be to separate from Ron or to try and sort things out with him. In any case, I'm here for you.
post #19 of 44
Originally Posted by Uncle Fester

......I will tell you this though, I think that the next time around, I won't get married-I'll just incorporate.

Like an LLC - Limited Liability Corporation.
post #20 of 44
Originally Posted by Uncle Fester
I couldn't have handcuffed her and made her go, but hey, maybe the handcuffs.....well, nevermind that.

Don't ever lose your sense of humor!!
post #21 of 44
Same here! I have never been married, but I think that you have been given some good advice.
It would be sad to me to live with someone, but to feel alone and to be unhappy.

Originally Posted by Cyclesarah
Rhonda, sorry I cannot help you, but your happiness is important, and I want you to know we are here for you!
post #22 of 44
I will just add something to my previous post - my ex was basically a good man, we just found eventually that we had nothing in common. And of course I wanted to avoid hurting him - it was one of many reasons I put off doing anything for years. But then I realised I was hurting him more by staying - we were not getting younger and both of us needed a second chance. He was lazy and as long as he had meals and a warm house he was prepared to carry on. Also, he loved our daughter and was a good father, and he still sees her often. He has remarried, I have not and don't intend to, but we are both happier in our new lives. Someone once said to me that it is easier to be alone than lonely with the wrong person.

When I told my daughter we were going to separate (she was 14), she said that she had known something was wrong from when she was a little girl. Not that we ever fought or anything but she said 'Mummy, you and Daddy never look at each other, you never hug or touch. You are not connected at all'. That was the only time I cried through the whole business.
post #23 of 44
For all those who've had a bad experience before - don't think that you won't find happiness again. This is my hubby's second time round, he had an unhappy time first time that lasted 11 years. He wasn't looking to get married again. But when we met he said he just knew it was different. Next year, will be our 20th anniversary and he tells me that he is happier now than when we first got married (it took him a while to completely cast off the shadow). I've never had any doubts and, although you can never predict the future, don't see why anything should change.

So don't give up on happiness - even if you don't find it first time around
post #24 of 44
Heya sweetie - that's exactly what my parents went through, and I'm sorry to say that my dad was a cheat. it might not be the case with your husband though. If you're miserable, get out. That's really all I can say, but there comes a point where you have to do things for the sake of your own sanity. If you're not in love with him, then tell him. If you want to walk away and start again, do it. Don't hang on for the sake of hanging on. My parents did that for 9 years or so before finally admitting their marriage was over - and it made the whole family miserable. It's difficult to play at happy families when you're not feeling it inside. All I can really offer you is the advice - follow your heart. If it says leave, leave. You can't make it love someone if the feeling is gone. Trust me when I say that you'll feel better for it once you've done it. I'll be here to offer you a shoulder to cry on when you need it.
post #25 of 44
Rhonda i've been in your shoes and i know exactly how your feeling!.

I was married to Ed for 18 years and i was in a rut for most of that time. We stopped doing things together such as going to the cinemas, going for a meal etc..and because he was in finance he was always in bed early to get up early so i was basically on my own for most of my married life.

I've lost count the times when i would remind him how we'd stopped doing things together. Don't get me wrong he was and is a lovely man!. I had anything i wanted, an open cheque book, large house etc.. but the spark had gone from our marriage as far as i was concerned.

A year before i left Ed i started seeing someone from work, and yes i know theres a lot of people who disagree in what i did but these things happen!.

I was shown attention by this other person, something that i had missed all those years with Ed and i started to see a different outlook on my life!. When i left him not only did i break his heart but i gave him a nervous breakdown as well. I was torn between him and my new partner and was almost ready to go back to Ed but then i had to think "was i going back because i do really love him or would i be doing it out of pity?".

My happiness was more important than money and the material things that i had with him and i gave them all up and i've never looked back and that was 6 years ago. Fortunatly we had no debts and i still don't so i can manage fine on my wage, plus i have my own house.

At the end of the day Rhonda the only person who can make a decision is you, it is a hard one to make and i really feel for you right now because when i decided to leave Ed it was the hardest thing i had ever done, but i had to start putting myself first for once!.

Your still young and you still have a life ahead of you

You know where i am if you need a chat
post #26 of 44

I'm sorry you have been going through this turmoil in your life. I don't have much to add that hasn't been said, but before giving up, please think about what you think will make you happy. A good marriage doesn't always a happy person make. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that do not expect the other person in your life to complete and fill all the empty spots iwithin you (and I'm not saying that you do this). There are plenty of other ways to feel that your life is complete: family, friends, pride in your job, etc. There is nothing wrong with feeling comfortable in marriage. If you are miserable - that's another story.......
post #27 of 44
Thank you for sharing this with us, Rhonda. Sure wish I had the perfect advice to offer and hope you find the happiness you are so seeking. I support you completely whatever you choose to be the best decision for your life, and am always here to listen.
post #28 of 44
well i can only tell you from a daughter point of view.
My mum and dad have never really hugged. I have never seen them kiss.
i dont know why my mum started drinking heavily, but my dad never took her to councelling. He never went to get her help. He only ever abused her. Which of course made the situation worse. But they did have happy times when we went on holidays ect.

But now she is in hospital and has started to realise the consenquences.
If she had gone into rehab the first time she went to hospital they would be happy and together right now. My dad has never abused her when she was sober. He just doesnt realise that she is sick. But he is sick too.
He told the lawyer that he wanted a divorce but then he goes and tells my mother he doesnt know. He said to me why do i lie to my mother when i didnt i was just telling her the truth. He saw her for the first time last night since she tried to kil her self and he was so mean to her he wouldnt even talk to her, he would just tell her to go away. He wouldnt even give her money but then he did.
He has been meaning to pay us a large sum for us to leave but he still hasnt done it and now im scared that he wont and then we are just going to be stuck here.

But since you dont have kids you have one less thing to worry about.
I would go councelling with him together, I would help my self and him.
I would sit down and have a proper talk, because if you are going to be like my dad and just ignore the situation and being 2 faced its so hard to understand what is going to come next, and what you exactly want.

I hope all the best for you and good luck.
let us know on the updates
post #29 of 44
Hi Rhonda. I am sort of going through a similar situation. Although I have only been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years now. And it weird, it seems like things changed after my grandfather (who was like a father to me) died. I wonder why that is. We have gotten in many fights and say that we were over and that one of us was going to leave but it hasn't happened yet.
One of my New Year's Resolutions is to be more caring towards him. I hope one of his is to help more around the house!! lol
Well today is actually his birthday so I'm going to go make him breakfast.
Whatever you chose to do, make sure it is for you and that you will be happy.
Good luck.
post #30 of 44
Rhonda, just caught this thread. I am sorry to hear about the emotional toil you are experiencing right now. That is tough. Being divorced from someone that I still like, but found out never was in love with, I can relate. I would never knock my ex husband. Sometimes people get together for what ever reason, and sometimes they don't work out. But like everyone on here has been saying, please think this through and try at least to go to some kind of counseling. At least then if you end up divorced, you won't look back and think, "what if". There is happiness out there.....I"m living proof of that with Jerry. There was a long time there that I thought I would never meet my Mr. Right and I was resigned to that fact. But then he came into my life when I least expected it. Being married isn't for everyone.....I think each individual is different. Just please exhaust all possiblilites of working things out before calling it quits for good. Whatever you decide, we are behind you! We're all here for yoU!
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