Worst Day Ever!

Amber, in general...are you happy with Rob? Do you like the person that he is most of the time? Leaving is not the only solution. I can say that, because I'm just stubborn enough to make it work even when the easiest thing would have been to get out, which is what all of my friends (and even family) told me.

There are ways to make it work, and most of the work has to be done internally. You guys have no idea how miserable I was with Earl for a while. It ended up with him cheating on me (before we were married), and I kicked him to the curb. But after a lot of thinking and analyzing on my part I realized that I was a huge part of the problems in our relationship no matter how much I blamed him for it. We worked together, we tried and are still trying to be better with communication in our relationship (now marriage), and I realized some other things too.

Alessandra is right - this is who he is, and more than likely he isn't going to change. Can you accept him for being Rob? I had to accept Earl as Earl, warts and all. He's horrible with money, he's terribly selfish, and he can be quite superficial with others (he IS a Gemini through and through!), but he has equal amounts of good qualities too.

I have to try to see how I come across to him, and how I react to things. I realized that when I am depressed, I don't get sad. I get irritable and angry, and it's almost always directed at the person closest to me. Many of the problems I saw in our relationship weren't really him, but how I was reacting to slights and perceived slights. And I needed to adjust the way I communicated. I used a lot of absolutes in our arguments - You NEVER do this, you ALWAYS do that! Well, he doesn't never or always anything, and I needed to re-evaluate how I communicated with him as well as what I expected from him. He is not Prince Charming and I can't make him become that.

It's been about 6 or 7 years since the really bad part of our relationship. We've both decided to work at it. We've both had to change things about ourselves in order to make it work, but the changes came from within ourselves not from each other.

Originally Posted by captiva

Amber,

I'm sorry for you

You must have felt really bad. I am the last person to dish out advice on marriage or dating, but I know that you are thinking hard about your future with Rob. I guess I would try to analyze if I would expect this to be normal behavior for him and secondly, if you realize that it is, can you live with it and not allow it to bother you? The one lesson in life that I have learned is that you really cannot change people very much.

I hope things work out for you.

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Amber, ditto what Chris said......

valanhb says it all. We have to take the "blame" out of relationships - theirs and ours. When we realize that how we react to situations has a direct bearing on how that situation evolves, we can make things better.

My husband and I went to a couple of Landmark forums and the best thing we got out of it is that nobody makes you do anything. Your past baggage and experiences cause you to react in a certain way. Take away that reaction and take responsibility for how you respond to a situation and you can actually turn the whole thing around and the ending will be totally different. If we re-phrase how we speak to each other, respond mentally rather than emotionally, (easier said than done), things improve dramatically.

Sweet Amber, today is a different day. We have not heard from you. Are you feeling better? did you have it out with him? well -- none of my business, but I hope it's a better day (how could it not be. AHEM!)

I get frustrated with Eric sometimes here and there because he's just wired a tad bit different than I am over some items... .but underneath it, we definitely see with 4 eyes, not just 2. Eric knows what's really critical to me and what I'm mellow over. I know what's really critical to him, and what he's mellow over (just about everything). About a year ago on a cold, windy December night, I ran out of gas because he forgot to fill it for me and I had to walk myself through a nice little rain-lashing in 34 degree weather to the nearest station. Then I got his cell voice mail. I also had a bad day at work and I was on a bad period. It was not fun. I finally got myself home, and as I came in the front door (translated: wooshed in) he was watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, eating Fritos, and playing Diablo on the pc. I was beyond livid. I saw red mist. I saw THE END. He said,
"Pookie! What took you so long to get home??"
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.
Beyond Livid. More red mist. Hold and hug Sasha.
I went upstairs and peeled (by then) my crustacean-filled sweater off my very blue and shaking body, combed the ice out of my hair, and took a nice, hot bath and locked the door "forever!" in my mind. Then, I went downstairs and very calmly in my most "you are an IDIOT" voice, told him we needed to talk right then and there, turn off Buffy please, and list for me the 3 most critical things he felt would make or break us. And then I did the same for him. We talked a long time. Lividity recedes. Red mist starts to disappear. And since then, about a year ago, I can honestly say we see with 4 eyes, not just 2.

I don't know if my saga helped, but I do really care about you and I hope you are thinking deeply and moving forward.
Love,
Elizabeth

Amber, I'm just catching up on this, sounds like you had a terrible, terrible day! {{HUGS}} I do hope that today is better and that you and Rob are able to work out your differences!

Thank you everyone for the hugs, kind wishes and good advice. I didn't sleep well last night, so spent a good hour freaking the cats out by taking a bubble bath. They seemed very confused as to why a person would choose to sit in a tub full of water. In fact, Jeter stood on his hind legs for like 5 minutes just staring at me. Anyway, bubble bath and a bag of hersheys kisses later, I sat down and composed a letter. The letter lead to a long discussion today and the tension is starting to ebb away. Everyone gave great advice to me, that in some way, I was able to use and take to heart.

It all comes down to what a person can and can't live with. No relationship is going to be perfect, and all will need work. Ours needs a lot. But it's not all him, and its not all needing the other person to change. Responsibility was brought up, and that is something very important. I am not responsible for his happiness, nor he mine. And I am not responsible for how he reacts to me. What I am responsible for is how I react to him, and my own happiness. Niether of us is very good with the responsibility part. So, we came to the conclusion that that is our goal. To be more responsible for our reactions. We also agreed that there has to be some mutual communication. I can't assume he understands something I don't implicitly say, and he needs to work on being more thoughtful.

Rob's not a bad guy, just... thoughtless. We usually have a good relationship, but every once and awhile it builds up to a boiling point and neither of us is particularly good with arguing effectively.


(And he did accept that he was an a** for not picking me up and this particular transgression should not occur again.)

Thanks again everyone for the advice, anecdotes and for just listening to me. You're all such great people and wonderful friends!

Originally Posted by Grissom

Thank you everyone for the hugs, kind wishes and good advice. I didn't sleep well last night, so spent a good hour freaking the cats out by taking a bubble bath. They seemed very confused as to why a person would choose to sit in a tub full of water. In fact, Jeter stood on his hind legs for like 5 minutes just staring at me. Anyway, bubble bath and a bag of hersheys kisses later, I sat down and composed a letter. The letter lead to a long discussion today and the tension is starting to ebb away. Everyone gave great advice to me, that in some way, I was able to use and take to heart.

It all comes down to what a person can and can't live with. No relationship is going to be perfect, and all will need work. Ours needs a lot. But it's not all him, and its not all needing the other person to change. Responsibility was brought up, and that is something very important. I am not responsible for his happiness, nor he mine. And I am not responsible for how he reacts to me. What I am responsible for is how I react to him, and my own happiness. Niether of us is very good with the responsibility part. So, we came to the conclusion that that is our goal. To be more responsible for our reactions. We also agreed that there has to be some mutual communication. I can't assume he understands something I don't implicitly say, and he needs to work on being more thoughtful.

Rob's not a bad guy, just... thoughtless. We usually have a good relationship, but every once and awhile it builds up to a boiling point and neither of us is particularly good with arguing effectively.


(And he did accept that he was an a** for not picking me up and this particular transgression should not occur again.)

Thanks again everyone for the advice, anecdotes and for just listening to me. You're all such great people and wonderful friends!

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One positive component of 'worst day evers' is the next day has to be some what better. I'm glad you guys had a good talk, and I wish you and Rob all the best!

PS. Tell Jeter it's called Bubble Therapy. (pop, pop, fizz, fizz)

I just caught up to this and the one thing that comes to mind is the time I was ranting about something Jon did and asked my best friend how she ended up with such a great husband. She said, "Jeez Abby, he didn't come out of the box like that! I have worked for 7 years making him the way he is." Every time Jon does something inconsiderate or just plain ridiculous that annoys me, I think of that.

At any rate, I hope things work out for you.

Originally Posted by Abby7625

She said, "Jeez Abby, he didn't come out of the box like that! I have worked for 7 years making him the way he is."

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so true isnt it!!

Amber I am so pleased to read that you and Rob had a good talk - communication is always important as we all know - but it is sometimes hard to do.

it sounds to me as if you both are extremely willing to work through these issues with is wonderful

best of luck Amber - and of course you know we are always here for you

Glad everything has been worked out or is being worked on. Hope all is well.

Abby said it best Amber.............great husbands/boyfriends aren't born, they are molded!!