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What is a friend?

post #1 of 26
Thread Starter 
Just curious how you all would define a real friend. What makes a real friend in your opinion? I have as of late had to stop and redefine my definition of a friend. I have found that a true friend is one who cares what is going on in your life and never deserts you...I am just real annoyed (to put it nicely) with these people who are "fair weather" friends. You can be nothing but nice and loving to a friend (online or off) and as soon as your chips are down....they no longer need you...you are not important to them. The thing that really stinks is that maybe you really loved this person as a friend and thought alot of them...but they don't give a hoot about you anymore. Well you know what...their loss. They will be the ones answering to God for their actions and treatment of you someday...not you.
Anyway...I have found that the best friends I have are the ones who have been there for years,,,not the fly by night "oh I love you too" friends who desert you when you need them most. But the good thing is....thanks to the internet we can (and I have) meet real friends. It just takes good judgement to determine which are real friends and really care about you and which really could give a crap less. Sometimes it hurts when the ones we thought so much of turn out to be the "could give a crap less" ones. But we deal with it. Thanks to the internet I have found who will probably be my best friend for life...someone who is a member here...but I would rather have it remain private between she and I so I am not saying who she is. We have e-mailed back and forth and also even talked on the phone recently and have alot in common and I know she is not like all those other "online" friends who stab you in the back every chance they get....she is a true friend. I feel blessed that God has brought her into my life and I truley trust her...she will not hurt me like another online friend did. So what is your definition of a friend? And do any of you have any bad experiences or good experiences with online friends?
post #2 of 26

Debby,
I don't know of course what has happened but I can see you are hurting very badly. Sometimes it so easy for a friend to hurt you without even knowing, a misunderstanding, an ommission, or even they are feeling bad or low themselves and do not notice how bad you are feeling and vice versa. I do hope whatever it is that your friendship can be mended. True friendship is often hard to find, but don't think that only old friends are true friends, there are very genuine people about. My mother had close friends from when she was school and in later life she made new friends too who proved to be true friends. You also sound as if you have been having a hard time anyhow, and I am so sorry for all the hurt you are going through. You are highly thought of here and have a lot of friends, that perhaps you don't even know about.
post #3 of 26
My definition of a "true friend" is someone who accepts you as you are, is truthful and loyal. In the real world, I have very few such friends. We are alike in many ways but different enough that our times together are never boring.
When it comes to online friends, I don't have any. It would be nice to have one but being such a secretive person it may be difficult for me to find one or even be one.
post #4 of 26
Thread Starter 
Oh I hope it didn't sound like I was saying that online friendships were sometimes not true, or that only "old well established' friendships were true....I have several online frineds who really mean alot to me and many of them I e-mail as well. Online friends are wonderful, and very real! I guess I have just been burned by what I thought was such a close one and it is hard not to be bitter. I need to work on that.
post #5 of 26
Thread Starter 
Anyway, thank you Cilla for saying what you did at the end of your post....that means alot!!!!!! *hugs* And thank you for my name at the top of your post...that is just beautiful!!! I wish I knew how you did that!
post #6 of 26
"Just curious how you all would define a real friend."


A friend is someone that knows all about you....and likes you anyway.

A friend offers all, and asks nothing.

A friend always has a shoulder when it's needed or a kick in the butt when that's needed.

A Friend knows when to talk...and when to listen and shut up.

A friend is someone that is always there to laugh when the times are good...but more importantly is there to pick up the pieces when the world goes to hell.


I'm an expert on this....

I married my best friend.


Jeff
post #7 of 26
Thread Starter 
Jeff...you are so lucky you married your best friend! One thought on your post...I totally agree with those statements....but I have to say.....a kick in the butt is not a slap in the face. A kick in the butt followed by "I am still here for you" is one thing....a slap in the face with no follow up is quite another. I know that makes no sense to you, but it does to me and I think it will to someone else.
post #8 of 26
A friend for me is someone who is there for me through good times and bad times.

My break up with my husband and Richie proved this. When i split from Richie naturally i was on a low, but my friends made sure that i never sat in the house to dwell on it. They were always on the other end of the phone if i wanted to shed a few tears and never once did one of them say "get over it or move on".

Then one friend who was there in the beginning started seeing someone and was in other words "pre-occupied". We went on holiday at christmas last year because i didn't want to stay in the country with it being my first christmas without Richie, and for me christmas was cancelled but we had agreed to get each other a gift to open when we got to Lanzarotte. She also promised me that shey would take me to drop Rosie off at the cattery.

She let me down on the cattery because she was holed up in her love nest with her new boyfriend, and on the morning that we were due to fly out she said she hadn't had time to get me a christmas present!

It's small things like this that i never forget

I always tell people no matter how much you love someone, never ever forget your friends because you never know when you might need them!.

So Debby, just bide your time because what goes around comes around.
post #9 of 26
post #10 of 26
I agree that a friend is someone who accepts and loves you just the way you are nomatter the circumstances of your life. With a true friend, you share the good times and the bad. I have also found that it is in the most difficult times of your life, the times when you need your friend most desperately that you find you have very few friends indeed. It is so very painful to realize that someone in whom you have confided and shared your life isn't the friend you believed they were. I am so sorry you have been hurt so badly, Debby. I believe a person can count herself blessed for God to bring into her life a true friend to share both triumph and tragedy and to love you just the same, never leaving your side as your emotional support. You are such a sincere, loving person, Debby.
Stephanie
post #11 of 26
Cilla, you are truly talented with those gif's. I love your work.

Debby,

To me, a REAL friend is someone who is there for you in good times and bad, and who allows you to be there for them in good times and bad. A real friend doesn't "judge" you or love you less because you make a mistake, but will tell you in a feeling of love, what you may have done wrong, and will allow you to do the same. A real friend looks at your heart, and not your statis or pocketbook. They love you for who you are, not who they want or expect you to be. A real friend would never purposefully try to hurt you. I also think a real friend will allow you to come to them when you are hurting, and they will come to you when they need a shoulder to cry on as well. A real friend respects you and your opinions, and though they don't have to agree with you, they would never "put you down" for how you feel.

I think it's hard to come by a lot of REAL friends. You meet a lot of acquaintances in life, but only a very few REAL friends.
post #12 of 26
Hope, they are images I just pick up on the internet, I can't make them myself, but I have become so interested in it that I am thinking of learning how to do it myself.
post #13 of 26
To me, a friend is someone who is there for you always, good and bad. And willl never fail to make you smile when you are down. They can be family members, your spouse or boyfriend, or a friend far away but doesn't keep distance between them.
I've had friends close to me and far away, but the good ones keep in touch. The other's arent' 'bad' to me or enemies of me cause of a fight or something, we've just drifted apart because of losing touch from moving and not seeing each other frequently.
Deb, I hope you feel better. I know it will, cause..."...When the bee stings when I'm feeling sad......I suddenly remember my favorite things, then I don't feel so bad." Maria from the Sound of Music And, "The Sun Will Come out Tommorrow..."Annie from Annie
post #14 of 26
Debby ~ all the above defintately describe real friends.

Most importantly, a real friend is someone who can swallow his/her pride, face up to the fact and admit they were wrong and then say "I'm sorry" and really mean it. And a real friend is someone who can forgive (although hard at times).

I'm not sure what happened but you never know.. maybe it's not irreparable and you can both become friends again in time.

((hugs))
post #15 of 26
A real friend understands when her friends are trying to do what is best for her, even when she disagrees with what her friends say.

A real friend never rubs her friend's nose in it or talks behind her back when she is upset with something that was said. A real friend can forgive an unintended wrong and would never stoop to underhanded nastiness in response to what she thinks is a wrong-doing.

A real friend stands by her friends in times of trouble and allows her friends to stand by her when she is in distress.

A real friend understands when her friends can no longer support her self-destructive behavior. A true friend will not enable self-destructiveness and should not be shunned or stabbed in the back for refusing to "be there" to help her continue doing things that are ultimately extremely damaging. For example, would a real friend continue to meet an alcoholic friend in a bar? Of course not...so it would be wrong for the alcoholic person to stab her friend in the back for refusing to support her drinking. (This is an just an example of how a true frind might seem unsupportive when in fact she is being the best friend possible. Only someone who was not a friend would continue to enable such self-destructive behavior.)

A true friend is willing to sit back and wait until her friend is ready for help -- but at the same time will not support her self-destructive decisions. She is there and ready to give whatever she has, but she will not support self-destructiveness. When the friend is ready to turn her life around (which will be painful, stressful, and will require incredible amounts of her friend's time and love) a real friend will be there for her. False friends will be there when it is easy (and will enable self-destructiveness) but will run and hide when it starts requiring time and effort.

A real friend doesn't let her friends get away with passive-aggressive attacks.

We love you Debby.
post #16 of 26
I have 4 friends. That's it. I have have some online friends who are more like aquaintences, but my 4 friends are very dear to me. Unfortunately, they all live far away. 1 in Texas (9 years of friendship), 1 in Germany (9 years of friendship), 1 in Hong Kong (5 years of friendship) and 1 in Sacremento (2 years of friendship). We don't see each other very often (twice a year for most of them), but we talk on the phone A LOT and occasionally email. When I had my best girlfriend here with me (she used to be next door but moved to Virginia 5 years ago and then to Texas) she took care of me even when I was impossible. I figured when she moved that it was over...but our love for each other has only grown.

I'm very picky about my friends, I have to admit - I've been hurt very badly by so-called friends, as we all have. And I seriously don't have ONE SINGLE FRIEND within 400 miles. Most of the time I don't mind at all, because the friends I do have I know that I can count on, so I keep the list short and perfect. There are always openings for new friends, but the screening process is pretty fierce

To me, a true friend is one who loves you even at your worst. One who is honest with you when you're being a fool and isn't afraid to tell you so. One who sticks with you even though you are a jerk sometimes. One who forgives you even when you don't have time for them. One who, no matter the time or space or distance, never forgets to say a prayer for you or smile at a thought of you when you are not around.

I'm sorry for your pain, Debby.

Group hug!!
post #17 of 26
a friend to me, is someone that is always there for you, no matter what! That will sit there for hours on end and listen when youre upset about something and not moan about it.
My best friend is just this, she even let me move into hers last year when i had a diffucult time, she was my rock.
post #18 of 26
Long post warning......sorry everyone !!!!!!!

I don't have many friends offline. I have 6 friends, only 3 who I consider true friends
One of those true friends is my mother. I am generally a social outcast, because I have very low self esteem, and have no real social skills. I am out of touch with my own generation, and I have many interests belonging to 50 and 60 yr olds - I am 28yrs old. On the internet, I am never ashamed of how I look, or who I am. I, like many people, find that its easier to write than talk. Unfortunately, there is a drawback. You have the added risk of mis-read contents, ie CAPS LOCKED meaning shouting, when all its been is a faulty keyboard.

People are funny creatures. We have high expectations of those around us. We all
need companionship - we are herd animals, but we all need a basis to start that companionship from - a common interest. When we discover something that hurts us, about someone we trusted, it hurts us deeply, and plagues us, and makes us question our beliefs. Sometimes this makes us think whether the 'hurter' is worth having in our lives. We begin to question ourselves. “What did I ever see in that person ? How could they do that/think like that to/about me ? Was it something I did ? †When all the time we should be thinking, " Is our friendship worth saving ? Is it just a misunderstanding ? Can it be prevented again, if I say something about it ? " Whatever it is, whatever happens, it changes us. We will never know if it is for the better, or the choice me made at our crossroad is the right one.

For me personally, I find it hard to make friends. I am considered an eccentric person, and I find it hard to confess to people I have O.C.D., in fact no one outside my parents and brother knows – and you guys now. I am a bad person with my friends. I have a couple who I speak to daily, and two in particular that don’t mind if I disappear into my own world for a few months. One in particular lives locally, but I rarely speak to her, or see her, because I don’t have any energy to go out and talk to people after a days work. I just need to be still. And yet, she is always there for me. She understands that I vanish for a while, but think of her always – send texts and letters now and again, and that’s ok with her. One lives far away, and I saw her for the first time in years, a little while ago. It was like we never were apart and I had a great time. On the other hand, I have a friend who complains every time we speak that I neglect her, and don’t care about her and she will emotionally blackmail me into a meeting, and when we do hook up, she won’t share a conversation but dominate it, and put me down all the time, while fishing for Ego-boosting compliments, but that’s who she is, and she has been there to listen when I have my ‘blue days’. She drives me nuts in a bad way, but right now, weird as it is, I really need her in my life, and I’m happy to be there for her.

I rely deeply on the internet. It’s really only the people I meet on the several forums
I log into, and such as TCS that have supported me, and have given me honest opinions, and put up with my extremely long posts of heartache. To me the forums are where friends who may not understand that a cat is not just a cat – they are our children, our passion, our love, gather in their hundreds and know they feel the same as you. They understand what you go through.

I really do consider online friends as Angels in disguise, and those who have become closer and who have had more than forum contact, are some of the best people I have had the fortune to meet.

I think that, as you assess you worries and pain over what has happened to make you reconsider your beliefs, you should really think about whether, you can today, live without what you had before, or whether it is possible to somehow move past the hurt, or offence, and think of it as your friend being who they really are, and maybe thinking that what they are/were doing was somehow for the best. Maybe they need time to re-access themselves for thinking in that way. Maybe their path is drifting
Away from yours for a while, and you’ll cross each others again when they need to.
Maybe you’ll never contact each other again. Just try not to think of them too badly.
There must have been something good, that bought you together in the first place.

Peace be with you, Debby.
_________________________________
“ Friendship is like a revolving door…push to hard, and friends will fall over and get swept away “
post #19 of 26
A true friend will risk the friendship to save a life.....
post #20 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonia
Long post warning......sorry everyone !!!!!!!

I don't have many friends offline. I have 6 friends, only 3 who I consider true friends
One of those true friends is my mother. I am generally a social outcast, because I have very low self esteem, and have no real social skills. I am out of touch with my own generation, and I have many interests belonging to 50 and 60 yr olds - I am 28yrs old. On the internet, I am never ashamed of how I look, or who I am. I, like many people, find that its easier to write than talk. Unfortunately, there is a drawback. You have the added risk of mis-read contents, ie CAPS LOCKED meaning shouting, when all its been is a faulty keyboard.

People are funny creatures. We have high expectations of those around us. We all
need companionship - we are herd animals, but we all need a basis to start that companionship from - a common interest. When we discover something that hurts us, about someone we trusted, it hurts us deeply, and plagues us, and makes us question our beliefs. Sometimes this makes us think whether the 'hurter' is worth having in our lives. We begin to question ourselves. “What did I ever see in that person ? How could they do that/think like that to/about me ? Was it something I did ? †When all the time we should be thinking, " Is our friendship worth saving ? Is it just a misunderstanding ? Can it be prevented again, if I say something about it ? " Whatever it is, whatever happens, it changes us. We will never know if it is for the better, or the choice me made at our crossroad is the right one.

For me personally, I find it hard to make friends. I am considered an eccentric person, and I find it hard to confess to people I have O.C.D., in fact no one outside my parents and brother knows – and you guys now. I am a bad person with my friends. I have a couple who I speak to daily, and two in particular that don’t mind if I disappear into my own world for a few months. One in particular lives locally, but I rarely speak to her, or see her, because I don’t have any energy to go out and talk to people after a days work. I just need to be still. And yet, she is always there for me. She understands that I vanish for a while, but think of her always – send texts and letters now and again, and that’s ok with her. One lives far away, and I saw her for the first time in years, a little while ago. It was like we never were apart and I had a great time. On the other hand, I have a friend who complains every time we speak that I neglect her, and don’t care about her and she will emotionally blackmail me into a meeting, and when we do hook up, she won’t share a conversation but dominate it, and put me down all the time, while fishing for Ego-boosting compliments, but that’s who she is, and she has been there to listen when I have my ‘blue days’. She drives me nuts in a bad way, but right now, weird as it is, I really need her in my life, and I’m happy to be there for her.

I rely deeply on the internet. It’s really only the people I meet on the several forums
I log into, and such as TCS that have supported me, and have given me honest opinions, and put up with my extremely long posts of heartache. To me the forums are where friends who may not understand that a cat is not just a cat – they are our children, our passion, our love, gather in their hundreds and know they feel the same as you. They understand what you go through.

I really do consider online friends as Angels in disguise, and those who have become closer and who have had more than forum contact, are some of the best people I have had the fortune to meet.

I think that, as you assess you worries and pain over what has happened to make you reconsider your beliefs, you should really think about whether, you can today, live without what you had before, or whether it is possible to somehow move past the hurt, or offence, and think of it as your friend being who they really are, and maybe thinking that what they are/were doing was somehow for the best. Maybe they need time to re-access themselves for thinking in that way. Maybe their path is drifting
Away from yours for a while, and you’ll cross each others again when they need to.
Maybe you’ll never contact each other again. Just try not to think of them too badly.
There must have been something good, that bought you together in the first place.

Peace be with you, Debby.
_________________________________
“ Friendship is like a revolving door…push to hard, and friends will fall over and get swept away “

your post nearly had me in tears then.
Sonia, you dont sound eccentric to me, you sound like a really beautiful person and a friend i would be proud to have
post #21 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by Deb25
A true friend will risk the friendship to save a life.....
I can't think of anything more unselfish Deb.
post #22 of 26
Sonia you sound like a wonderful, sensative person. Anyone should count themselves blessed to have you as a friend.
post #23 of 26
...the hand that reaches out in your darkest moments and let's you see the light that your eyes may no longer capture.

post #24 of 26
I dont know if there is a true definition of a friend. To me, it's someone who accepts you for who you are and supports you. And, for me, I only have 1 true friend from high school and that is it ........ It's too hard to make friends when you are my age (27). I've known her since we were freshman in high school, and she was at my wedding. She listens and always asks how my husband is too. Too, I am one who is cautious when it comes to meeting new people ....... I dont know if they are being nice for the sake of it or what. I have work friends, I guess, too. I have no idea how to make friends ..... my husband has quite a few of them, though. oh well.
post #25 of 26
Somehow I’ve blessed with a few groups of great friends. Some I’ve know for over 25 years. They are more like family. If my sister wasn’t related I would have choose her for my best friend.

Deciding new friendships now is easy. I truly, believe from the beginning, people show you who they are. Watch how they treat others, that is how they will treat you. If they are respectful and kind that is how they will treat you. If they are disrespectful and mean to other then that is what you can look forward to.
post #26 of 26
A definition of a Friend...oooooh, that's a tough one, because there are so many elements.

I'd include much of what's already been said, about sticking by you, about loyalty, about the ready and non-judgemental ear, about trying to help a friend avoid or stop behaviour that's destructive, and about risking a friendship to save a life.

I don't have a whole stable of really close Friends, either. A few that I know I can count on through thick and thin, to be there for me, to tell it like it is, to help me be true to myself if that's needed -- the people you can phone at 3 in the morning with your crisis, and know that their biggest problem won't be whether to respond, but whether they can shake the fog off soon enough to be useful. The rest are either acquaintances, or fairly casual friends.

I know what it is to have a cyber-friend I trusted turn out to be one who would rather walk away from a friendship than figure out what caused a difficulty so that it could be avoided in the future and the friendship saved. That felt like a slap, but I've recovered from it. I've kept the parts of that relationship that fed me, and discarded the rest.

I hope the difference between you and your friend is not as permanent as it now feels to you, Debby. I hope you'll be able to find a way to an understanding, and mend your differences. Friendships are too precious to abandon without trying. And whatever the difficulty was/is, I hope you feel some peace soon.
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