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Anybody Have Any Good Jokes? - Page 2

post #31 of 68
I don't have any jokes but I love this thread
post #32 of 68
Thread Starter 
One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up
at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The
plaque was covered with names and small American flags were
mounted on either side of it.
"Father Donovan," the boy asked, "what is this?
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women
who died in the service," the priest explained. They stood
together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque.

Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the
post #33 of 68
Thread Starter 
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, Son, I have never
seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady
in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The
walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular
numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year old
blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
son ....

Go get your mother."
post #34 of 68
Hi, I'm not good at remembering jokes, but I like the short and sweet ones.(easy to remember) what did the snail say as it rode the turtles back? weeeeeee! hahaha h-cat
post #35 of 68
A young preacher was interviewed for his first church. He was asked by the pulpit committee to relate the story of the Good Samaritan.

There was a man of the Pharisees named Nicodemus who went down to Jerusalem by night and he fell upon some stony ground and the thorns choked him half to death. And he said, "What shall I do? I will arise and go to my Father's
house," and he arose and climbed up into a sycamore tree. The next day Solomon and his wife Gomorrah came by and they carried him down to the ark for Moses to take care of him, but as he was going through the Eastern gate into the ark, he caught his hair on a limb and he hung there for 40 days and 40 nights. And he afterward hunger'd and the ravens came and fed him. The next day, 3 wise men came and carried him down to Ninevah and when he got there he found Delilah sitting on the wall. And he said, "Chunk 'er down boys," and they said, "Well, how many times shall we chunk 'er down; till 7 times?" He said, "Nay, but until 70 x 7," and they chunked her down 490 times and she burst asunder in their midst. And they picked up 12 baskets of
the fragments that remained and in the resurrection, whose wife will she be?

The Chairman said, "I believe we should call him. I know he's young, but he really knows his Bible."
post #36 of 68
OMG!!! That even had me confused!

I did think of one joke, but it is an old one that my mom used to tell years ago...so I don't know if any of you will find it funny, but here goes....

There was a man who had a wife who constantly spent his hard earned money on new clothes. He told her many times that they did not have the money to spare, but yet every time she came home from town, she had a new dress. She told him...I simply cannot fight off the temptation of the devil to buy these new clothes, even though I know we haven't the money for them. So he told her...the next time you are in town shopping and the devil comes to you and whispers in your ear that you really do need that beautiful new dress, just resist him and say to him,"Get thee behind me Satan!!!"
So, the very next time the woman went shopping, she came home with a new dress....the husband said to her...."What happened???? Did you not say into the face of tempation....Get thee behind me Satan?????" And she said..."Yes...I did!!!" and the husband said, "WELL, what happened then???" and she said, "I was so very tempted to buy the dress and I even tried it on....then I remembered what you said, and I tried to resist temptation....I shouted...."Get thee behind me Satan!!!" and then he said...."looks good from back here, too....buy it!"
post #37 of 68
Originally Posted by Spencer
This made me laugh. Hope you guys get some chuckles, too.

A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard, he had decided to
take them to the county fair and sell them.

While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After
talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another and so they agreed to
drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 AM., loaded
the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle they had,
and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will we know
if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass
grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, then
they're not."
The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off,
loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning the following week until one morning the
farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed.

He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the
pigs are in the mud or in the field."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one
of them is honking the horn!!!"
By the way, Spencer...I forgot to mention I got such a kick out of this joke!!! I shared it with several e-mail friends....it is so funny!!!!
post #38 of 68
I'm in stiches right now.. this thread is SO funny. I've gotta find some to share!
post #39 of 68
Good one, Debby!
post #40 of 68
Thread Starter 
Darn! What happened to my joke thread? Stay away for 3 days, and it disappears. I am going to have to bring this back up to the top.

An English lady while visiting Switzerland to check on a Chalet rental for the following summer was dismayed at the fact that she couldn't find the W.C. Now W.C. is an English term for "water closet" or toilet. She wrote the parish priest inquiring as to the W.C.'s whereabouts. Now the parish priest was not good in English so with the aid of the village school master, they both concluded that W.C. stood for "wayside chapel".

This is an excerpt from the letter he wrote to the English lady.

"My dear madam, I take great pleasure in informing you that the W.C. is located 9 miles from the house in a beautiful grove of pine trees surrounded by lovely grounds. It is only open on Wednesdays and Sundays, but an extra day of Saturday has been added since we feel that there is a great need for an extra day. Plush cushions have been applied to all the seats. A little bell rings when you walk in so that you will be seen by all. We have added an orchestra to add to the sweet melodies played by those already seated. I hope we have been of service to you. Your Servant, The Parish Priest."

It was this little story that got the late Jack Paar banned from late night TV. This is quite tame compared to what is on Saturday Night Live right now.
post #41 of 68
Here's my favorite joke of the moment.

A man, his wife and her mother are travelling in the Holy Land when his wife's mother dies. The man goes to the funeral home and asks about having his mother in law shipped home for burial.

The man at the funeral home says "Really, that would be extremely expensive. Why don't you just have her buried here?"

The man refuses and again asks about having his mother in law shipped home for burial.

The man at the funeral home says "Really sir, it is prohibitively expensive to do that. Plus, what a wonderful gift to you mother in law. She could be buried here in the Holy Land, the holiest place on earth."

The man, exasperated now says "Listen, two thousand years ago you buried a guy here and he came back to life in three days. I can't take that chance!"
post #42 of 68
Thread Starter 
The New York Philharmonic Orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony at a concert one evening. In this piece, there is a lengthy section of music in which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around looking bored while the music played on, several of the bassists decided to sneak offstage and duck into a nearby pub to slam a few (as professional violinists are known to do) while they waited.

After downing quite a few drinks, one of the bassists looked at his watch and said, "Hey, we've got to get back!" Another of the group, however, said, "Calm down. I figured we'd need some extra time, so I took some string and tied the last few pages of the director's score together.

It should keep him busy for a few minutes." The musicians finished their drinks and returned to their places on the stage. Meanwhile, a member of the audience noticed how agitated and nervous the director seemed to be. He said as much to his companion. The companion said, "Well, of course he's
nervous. Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded!"
post #43 of 68
Thread Starter 
Darn it! You other posters are creating other threads and knocking mine out of the limelight. Keep the jokes coming. I will soon run out of jokes to put on here, but here is another. I need other jokes to make this thread work. We have to have some cheer on this forum.

A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, "Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.' "

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a coupla minutes ago."
post #44 of 68
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
post #45 of 68
This one's good for a giggle, but also has a message...


One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
post #46 of 68
Thread Starter 
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago!"

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle, the phone rang, so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter--haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered, and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police--is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Fainter, and unto the Sonny . . . and into the hole he gooses."

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
post #47 of 68
Thread Starter 
Alright folks, I have to keep this on the top marquee so here is another.

The elderly priest

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four rows of pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony!!"

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"I know, son," replied the elderly priest, "but that flashing neon sign,
'Toot 'n Tell or Go To Hell' just can't stay on the church roof."
post #48 of 68
I love this thread....ALL these jokes are funny !!!!
Thanks for making me laugh everyone!!!!!!
post #49 of 68
This is story, told by President Reagan:

Fidel Castro was delivering one his hours-long, boring speeches. A voice in the crowd called out, "Peanuts, popcorn, Cracker Jacks!" Castro continued his harangue.

A bit later, the voice cried out, "Peanuts, popcorn, Cracker Jacks!" Castro continued to spew and the calls continued.

After about the fourth time, Castro said, "The next time I here that, I'm going to kick you all the way to Miami!"

Immediately, the WHOLE CROWD shouted, "Peanuts, popcorn, Cracker Jacks!"
post #50 of 68
Thread Starter 
Be careful what you say.

A guy awoke to breakfast in bed, music playing, birds singing, and he was puzzled. He knew he had been out drinking all night and knew he came in falling down drunk but couldn't remember anything else. When he got out of bed, he asked his son what happened last night. His son said, "Dad, you were so drunk that you threw up on the floor and knocked over mom's pize vase." His dad was puzzled and said, "But what did I do to deserve breakfast in bed?" His son replied, "Well, when mom was taking your clothes off to put you in the bed, you blurted out, stop that lady, I'm a married man!"
post #51 of 68
Thread Starter 
A guy in a Volkswagen Beetle pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls:

"Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."

"I got one too ... see?"

"Uh-huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?"

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? It's right here!"


The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"

And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here; see?!"

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"

"Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

And the man in the Volkswagen says, "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!"
post #52 of 68
When God created the earth.. the first thing he did was make women, because they would create more creatures, so he wouldnt have to work at populating the planet every sennight. He made all vaiety of women, women cats, women dogs, women everything, and one woman that could walk and talk with him, and she was named Eve.
Now, when making all the women, he thought of how many young each mother could bear maximum and gave each one as many teets as neccesary to feed them. When he came to Eve, he decided that women could have 3 babies, and therefore required 3 breasts.
He then made males of all the creatures, except for Eve because Eve was to be his companion and help him by nurturing the animals while he was busy doing worldly things.
God came down and visited Eve every day, and then every other day, and then every other week, and after a time, he rarely visited at all, because God is a busy kinda guy. So one day he visits eve and they go walking through the forest so she can tell him about how the animals are doing. When they're done, god asks eve.. "Well .. how are you doing, is there any way I can help you?"
Eve smirks and points at her middle breast.. "God, this breast is forever in the way.. it makes it hard to cut clothing, it makes it difficult to care for the animals, and I feel odd when sleeping on my stomach."
He nodded and apologized, and with a swipe of his and removed the annoying breast, throwing it into the bushes. After a moment he asks her "Is there anything else that I can help you with?" Eve thought for a moment and Nodded.. "All the other creatures have a mate, god, and while I inderstand I am to nurture these animals and be your companion, you're always busy organizing the angels, and I don't see you often enough to not be lonely. besides I need another hand to tend the animals."
God nodded compassionately and looked around.. "Alright then.. where did I throw that third boob?"

Ah a great feminist joke.
post #53 of 68
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, " Is my time up"?
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face
lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was stuck by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, " I thought you said I had another 40 years ? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied, " Gi! iirrrlllllll, I didn't even recognize you!"
post #54 of 68
I saw these on my Pringles, the new 'Pringles Prints Jokes'
Thought they were cute.
What do cats drink from in space?
Flying Saucers
What do you call cat trash?Kitty litter
post #55 of 68
Ok if we're telling kids jokes. I know one.

Why didn't the skelton cross the road?

He didn't have guts.

I'm so so sorry
post #56 of 68
Thread Starter 
There was an obscene phone caller who called the home of a good looking girl. When he called, a little girl about 5 answered. This is the conversation that ensued:

Obscene Caller: "Hello is your sister at home?"
Little girl: "No."
Obscene Caller: "Is your mother at home?"
LIttle Girl: "No."
Onscene Caller: Frustrated by now he says, "Isn't there any other women at home older than you?"
Little Girl: "No, just me."
Very Frustrated Obscene Caller: "Well, this is an obscene phone call, pee pee, poo poo."
post #57 of 68
Thread Starter 
You can take it with you, if you do it right.

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me. "And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was Sitting there in black, and her
friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going
to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
post #58 of 68
2 men skip work and go to a baseball game. They end up with seats behind 3 nuns wearing the traditional wimple and they can't see the ball field very well so they start complaining. Finally the first man says very loudly, so the nuns can hear, "I'll bet they have less nuns in Japan! I should go to Japan to watch baseball!" The second man says, "I'll bet they even have less in Russia! I should go to Russia to watch baseball!"

One of the nuns turns around and smiles sweetly, "Why don't both of you just go to Hell, they don't have any nuns there."
post #59 of 68
Originally Posted by Caspar
Folks, I have been through most of the threads here. There's sadness, happiness, the funny things our cats do, health tips, even a political forum where things get heated at times, but what about just plain humor? How about posting funny jokes, funny things with cats, or funny things that have happened to you, even jokes people send you on e-mail? Keep them clean. Now maybe these jokes belong on the IMO forum, but I'm still a young cat and am not allowed to go there.
Wow! This sure is a nice website. I am equally glad that someone here thought to post jokes as well. As soon as I can find some, I am going to post some as well.
post #60 of 68
I found one. Here goes.

Latest Collection of "World's Thinnest Books "


by Jacques Chirac

by John Kerry

by Janet Reno

by John Denver

by Dan Marino

by Hillary Clinton

by Osama Bin Laden

by Bill Gates

by Dennis Rodman

by Al Gore




by Dr. J. Kevorkian



by Ellen de Generes

by Mike Tyson

by the EPA


by O. J. Simpson

And the world's Number One Thinnest Book . . .

by Bill Clinton
with introduction
by The Rev. Jessie Jackson
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