Having conquered cat flu, triumphed over tapeworm and
braved behavioral quirks, it is time to focus
attention on some oft-observed, but little-documented,
afflictions of cats.
COLLAPSIBLE LEGS
Symptoms: The affected cat places one side of its head
on the ground as though cheek-marking the concrete,
carpet etc. After several such maneuvers, the legs on
that side of the cat suddenly collapse, leaving the
cat waggling its feet in the air.
Treatment: This involves placing the palm of one hand
on the exposed belly and rubbing gently. There are
side-effects though - some feline sufferers attack the
rubbing hand while others recover spontaneously, often
after prolonged treatment. This condition is probably
incurable and any cat which requires prolonged
treatment after an attack will most likely suffer
repeated attacks of collapsible legs throughout its
lifetime.
SNUDGING
Symptoms: The affected cat repeatedly headbutts any
available part of a readily available human and turns
its head slightly so that the lips and cheek are
rubbed against legs, arms, clothing etc. This
condition gets its name from a contraction of the
phrase "soggy nudging." Snudging may well be a form of
excessive scent-marking. A bad attack can result in
soggy clothing.
Treatment: Give the sufferer lavish affection. Most
attacks subside between 10 minutes to 1 hour after
onset of symptoms. You may need to dry off snudged
clothing or skin. Attacks recur frequently, usually
when the most readily available human is engrossed in
a TV program, book or telephone call.
BED-HOGGING
Symptoms: The cat spreads to take up all available
free bed space at night. It then expands a bit more
until any human occupants occupy the smallest possible
area of bed. It may do this on top or underneath the
covers or on the pillow. It is highly contagious - any
other cats on the bed will also develop symptoms of
bed-hogging.
Treatment: The most obvious solution is to evict the
cat from the bed. If this is morally unfeasible, train
yourself not to give way as the cat expands. Buying a
bigger bed is probably pointless as most affected cats
can easily expand to fill standard, queen-sized and
king-sized beds. Otherwise, simply train yourself to
sleep while hanging precariously off the side of the
bed. Attacks of bed-hogging have been known to last up
to 23 hours (in one case a 3-day attack was noted by a
cat-owner who was confined to bed with flu; the cat
thoughtfully kept her company during this time).
NONSPECIFIC INSECT INFESTATION (also NONSPECIFIC
SPIDER INFESTATION)
Symptoms: A disorder more prevalent among
outdoor-going cats and cats with access to
conservatories and garden rooms. Symptoms range from
minor (the odd greenfly in tail, money-spider on fur)
to severe (entire ecosystems of insects living on cat,
spider webs spun between ears/whiskers, cat so weighed
down with spider webs that it has difficulty walking).
Treatment: Minor symptoms can be treated by simply
removing the infesting agent (aphid, ladybug, spider,
etc.) and combing webs out of fur. If the cat suffers
recurrent or severe symptoms an exercise regime is
highly recommended since highly mobile cats appear to
attract fewer greenfly (research into this factor
continues).
IRRITABLE LAP SYNDROME
Symptoms: The cat appears unable to settle comfortably
on laps, instead treading, kneading, rearranging
itself, fidgeting, vocalizing, getting up and turning
around, falling off lap and getting back on again,
attacking magazines, needlework, computer keyboard,
telephone etc.
Treatment: Immediate treatment is essential. Drop
whatever you are doing (literally if need be) and give
100% attention to the sufferer otherwise symptoms may
escalate and become quite distressing to the
lap-owner. Only prolonged attention will cure an
attack of Irritable Lap Syndrome. Like Collapsible
Legs this syndrome is incurable, although attacks may
be effectively treated as and when they occur.
LAP FUNGUS DISORDER
Symptoms: Having taken over a human lap, the cat
proceeds to spread in all planes. This may be
accompanied by secondary symptoms such as high volume
purring, dribbling, kneading and snoring. The
condition is highly contagious and several fungoid
cats may infest a lap simultaneously.
Treatment: Topical treatment with proprietary
anti-fungals is ineffective. Prompt treatment (as per
Irritable Lap Syndrome) is required to alleviate the
worst symptoms although in a number of cats, such
treatment actually exasperates the condition. This
disorder manifests itself periodically through the
affected cat's life and there is no long-term cure.
SMURGLING
Symptoms: Varied: sucking at clothing, owners
earlobes/nose/fingers/skin, drooling, glazed
_expression. Often accompanied by kneading and high
volume purring.
Treatment: Ultimately incurable. It is possible to
remove smurglable items from around the cat. The
ailment may be transmitted to humans in the form of
large laundry bills, misshapen clothing and chapped
skin.
GREEBLINGZ
Symptoms: Random dashes through to helter-skelter
running through house in pursuit of unseen prey.
Greeblingz are believed to be non-visible entities and
some authorities have linked them to UFO sightings or
feel that they may be diminutive other-dimensional
beings. Cats suffering from greeblingz typically have
wild-eyed expressions. There is a minor danger of
greeblingz attaching themselves to humans; if a cat
tackles such greeblingz, injury to humans may result.
A very few cats are naturally immune.
Treatment: None known. Anti-epileptics are ineffective
as the condition appears unrelated to other forms of
seizure. Avoid getting in the way of a cat engaged in
greebling hunting. Attacks usually subside
spontaneously, perhaps as greeblingz return to their
own dimension. These irritating creatures are not
visible to human eyes, but no doubt the superior sight
and hearing of cats enables them to see them
braved behavioral quirks, it is time to focus
attention on some oft-observed, but little-documented,
afflictions of cats.
COLLAPSIBLE LEGS
Symptoms: The affected cat places one side of its head
on the ground as though cheek-marking the concrete,
carpet etc. After several such maneuvers, the legs on
that side of the cat suddenly collapse, leaving the
cat waggling its feet in the air.
Treatment: This involves placing the palm of one hand
on the exposed belly and rubbing gently. There are
side-effects though - some feline sufferers attack the
rubbing hand while others recover spontaneously, often
after prolonged treatment. This condition is probably
incurable and any cat which requires prolonged
treatment after an attack will most likely suffer
repeated attacks of collapsible legs throughout its
lifetime.
SNUDGING
Symptoms: The affected cat repeatedly headbutts any
available part of a readily available human and turns
its head slightly so that the lips and cheek are
rubbed against legs, arms, clothing etc. This
condition gets its name from a contraction of the
phrase "soggy nudging." Snudging may well be a form of
excessive scent-marking. A bad attack can result in
soggy clothing.
Treatment: Give the sufferer lavish affection. Most
attacks subside between 10 minutes to 1 hour after
onset of symptoms. You may need to dry off snudged
clothing or skin. Attacks recur frequently, usually
when the most readily available human is engrossed in
a TV program, book or telephone call.
BED-HOGGING
Symptoms: The cat spreads to take up all available
free bed space at night. It then expands a bit more
until any human occupants occupy the smallest possible
area of bed. It may do this on top or underneath the
covers or on the pillow. It is highly contagious - any
other cats on the bed will also develop symptoms of
bed-hogging.
Treatment: The most obvious solution is to evict the
cat from the bed. If this is morally unfeasible, train
yourself not to give way as the cat expands. Buying a
bigger bed is probably pointless as most affected cats
can easily expand to fill standard, queen-sized and
king-sized beds. Otherwise, simply train yourself to
sleep while hanging precariously off the side of the
bed. Attacks of bed-hogging have been known to last up
to 23 hours (in one case a 3-day attack was noted by a
cat-owner who was confined to bed with flu; the cat
thoughtfully kept her company during this time).
NONSPECIFIC INSECT INFESTATION (also NONSPECIFIC
SPIDER INFESTATION)
Symptoms: A disorder more prevalent among
outdoor-going cats and cats with access to
conservatories and garden rooms. Symptoms range from
minor (the odd greenfly in tail, money-spider on fur)
to severe (entire ecosystems of insects living on cat,
spider webs spun between ears/whiskers, cat so weighed
down with spider webs that it has difficulty walking).
Treatment: Minor symptoms can be treated by simply
removing the infesting agent (aphid, ladybug, spider,
etc.) and combing webs out of fur. If the cat suffers
recurrent or severe symptoms an exercise regime is
highly recommended since highly mobile cats appear to
attract fewer greenfly (research into this factor
continues).
IRRITABLE LAP SYNDROME
Symptoms: The cat appears unable to settle comfortably
on laps, instead treading, kneading, rearranging
itself, fidgeting, vocalizing, getting up and turning
around, falling off lap and getting back on again,
attacking magazines, needlework, computer keyboard,
telephone etc.
Treatment: Immediate treatment is essential. Drop
whatever you are doing (literally if need be) and give
100% attention to the sufferer otherwise symptoms may
escalate and become quite distressing to the
lap-owner. Only prolonged attention will cure an
attack of Irritable Lap Syndrome. Like Collapsible
Legs this syndrome is incurable, although attacks may
be effectively treated as and when they occur.
LAP FUNGUS DISORDER
Symptoms: Having taken over a human lap, the cat
proceeds to spread in all planes. This may be
accompanied by secondary symptoms such as high volume
purring, dribbling, kneading and snoring. The
condition is highly contagious and several fungoid
cats may infest a lap simultaneously.
Treatment: Topical treatment with proprietary
anti-fungals is ineffective. Prompt treatment (as per
Irritable Lap Syndrome) is required to alleviate the
worst symptoms although in a number of cats, such
treatment actually exasperates the condition. This
disorder manifests itself periodically through the
affected cat's life and there is no long-term cure.
SMURGLING
Symptoms: Varied: sucking at clothing, owners
earlobes/nose/fingers/skin, drooling, glazed
_expression. Often accompanied by kneading and high
volume purring.
Treatment: Ultimately incurable. It is possible to
remove smurglable items from around the cat. The
ailment may be transmitted to humans in the form of
large laundry bills, misshapen clothing and chapped
skin.
GREEBLINGZ
Symptoms: Random dashes through to helter-skelter
running through house in pursuit of unseen prey.
Greeblingz are believed to be non-visible entities and
some authorities have linked them to UFO sightings or
feel that they may be diminutive other-dimensional
beings. Cats suffering from greeblingz typically have
wild-eyed expressions. There is a minor danger of
greeblingz attaching themselves to humans; if a cat
tackles such greeblingz, injury to humans may result.
A very few cats are naturally immune.
Treatment: None known. Anti-epileptics are ineffective
as the condition appears unrelated to other forms of
seizure. Avoid getting in the way of a cat engaged in
greebling hunting. Attacks usually subside
spontaneously, perhaps as greeblingz return to their
own dimension. These irritating creatures are not
visible to human eyes, but no doubt the superior sight
and hearing of cats enables them to see them
