Frustrated with my half-feral cat...

chint

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Hi! I'm new here to this forum, and also new to having a cat - a month and a half ago I got a cat from my local shelter. Well, we had a cat when I was young, but that's a lot of years ago. So, after reading up on cats and aquiring some info, I'm very excited and looking forward to a new companion. Turns out though, the cat is... something is wrong. I was told she was a little shy, but there's more to it than that. I ask them specifically if something has happened to the cat, has she been exposed to any trauma, feral cat, and so on. Than they say she has been a feral cat for a month before they got her. So I google and read and get into this, and I'm starting to realize that I'm in for quite a challenge - without having known or accepted it. I'm pretty mad at the shelter for not telling me right away. They said she likes to talk... no, she doesn't. She talks mostly when she's stressed out or scared. That's why she was meowing when I approached her at the shelter. And she shivered when I touched her (she was inside a cage when I was there). I didn't know what to make of this, and didn't think it was that big a deal since she didn't hiss or scratch or bite or anything like that. So... I've had her for a month and a half now, and I really don't have the patience for this... I'm trying the best that I can, but I would really like to have known what I've bargained for. Well, she's a little better know than she was. I can play with her, feed her off my hand (depends on where we are, where I'm standing, what mood she's in?), and she walks around the house. Well, as long as I don't walk too... it's a bad apartment like that, a lot of small rooms and not a lot of space, so she runs off a lot when I'm nearby. She can lay in the sofa when I do, as long as I keep my distance. But I',m not allowed to pet her. She scares off and moves away. She also shivers, as I said... a friend of mine said that's probably a sign that she has been traumatized. I don't know. All I know is that she's been in the shelter since she was one month old, and she was feral prior to that. "She had a reasonably tame mother", the people at the shelter said. Well, been feral and than at the shelter until I picked her up, she's obviously never had a home. So... I really don't understand why they didn't tell me. I'm not a good selection when it comes to taming a feral cat... she's almost ten months now, so she's been in the shelter for some months, but with a lot of people in and out, a lot of cats in and out... she's not tame. She's not aggressive though... she has hissed at my three times, all of them I'm pretty sure because she felt cornered. She doesn't hiss anymore.

So... I guess maybe I'm lucky in that she's half-feral from what I understand... I know it could've been a lot worse. But I really want her to be safe and be able to pet her and lie next to her and... not seeing her run away scared all the time when our paths cross when we walk about the apartment. I'm not a very patience person as I've said, so I'm having a heard time not reaching out and petting her. And honestly don't know wether to do so or not. She lays on her side exposing her belly when we play, after a while (I play with one of those fishing rods with a "bird" on), or when she's feeling playful. And she closes her eyes when she lay near me, like in the other corner of my couch or so. She sniffs my hand, but that's it. Recently trying to do the closed fist... "bump" or what it's called. She sniffs that too, but yeah. I actually got to pet her a little bit a week ago when she was (almost) sleeping, and I laid close to her, and very gently touched her paw (on top of it), and very gently touched underneath her chin. After that, nothing though. Frustrating, and a little confusing. 

Should I just be laid-back and let her make the first move, or should I push a little? She seems to be so "ready" in one way... like she just don't exactly know how to be affectionate (she doesn't rub on any of my stuff - doesn't give off any scent). Like she wants to, but is afraid. And I've heard about some people pushing a little forward. And I've also heard that the cat should always take the initiative.

Any suggestions/feedback?
 

Mamanyt1953

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First, BLESS YOU!  And it is really, when dealing with feral/semi-feral cats, early days yet.  You are making good progress.  I know that much.

 We have several experts on dealing with ferals here, and I'm hoping by getting your post at least one answer that some of them will be able to chime in with some down-to-earth suggestions and real information for you.  HANG IN THERE!  You are not alone anymore!  I'm here for you to vent to, if nothing else!  
 

ondine

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First of all, thank you for rescuing her and for taking the time to try to figure out how to make this relationship work.  A lot of people would just have dumped her back at the shelter.

If she was at the shelter at one month old, she is not feral.  She was not old enough to learn feral behaviors.

But she might not have been properly socialized - shelters are notoriously understaffed and they probably did not have the time to spend with her.

So, it sounds like you got a shy cat who was not socialized properly.  You say you do not have the patience but that is exactly what you are going to need.

Think about it as if she were a child left alone for most of its life - just fed and changed when needed.  No contact with other people, no hugging, no love.

Think about how that child would develop (or not, actually).  It is very similar to what this cat went through.  She quite simply does not know how to interact with humans in general and you in particular.

The one thing that you need to remember is none of that is your fault.  Once you understand that, you can begin the work needed to give her a happy life.

She may never get over being shy; she may also never be a lap cat, although it sounds like she may want to be.  Sitting near you on the sofa is a sign she's willing to explore the idea of being near you.  Any sudden  moves or forced moves on your part may startle her.

I am of the opinion to let her take the lead in your relationship.  Help her be comfortable with her surroundings - don't push for her to behave a certain way - just allow her to be.  You will soon recognize her weaknesses and strengths and you can work with them accordingly.

Ask yourself what you wanted when you adopted her.  A lap cat, a needy cat who was always clinging to you, a friend?

Then critically assess her personality.  Try  filter any preconceptions you had when you went to the shelter.  Use this information to begin building a unique relationship between you two.

Keep us posted and good luck!
 
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chint

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Thank you very much for the replies, and the understanding :) You know, just before you wrote these messages, I actually was allowed to pet her again. Just a little. She laid in her bed (a cardboard box next to my bed), and I lay my hand down, and started petting her legs. After about 1 minute or so, maybe less, she jumped a little, so I stopped. She lay down again, and I gave her some treats. Wow, would really not accepted that, when earlier today, just a couple of hours ago, I tried forcing interaction with her, to see how that went. It didn't work :p There's too many places to hide in my apartment. She actually didn't hiss or do anything except meow once. Thought I'd ruined the relationship or at least cut it back a couple of weeks, but there were no signs of trust being broken. And just now i petted her a little, in her cardboard box which is litteraly in a corner, and my bed is higher. Huh. You must be right I guess, Ondine. That she is not really feral? 

That's what I've been residing on as well, but now I'm even more curious and baffled, when I was that "aggressive" in my attempt to force interaction between us, and it looked like it actually made things better.

And thank you for the heads up that it's not my fault. I'm not working at the moment, so I'm a lot at home, and it's hard not to take it personal and feel bad when she is not feeling safe and running from me. 
Yes, that's what I think as well... she's approaching, exploring being close to me. And I sometimes feel like a jerk for not being laid back when she does that. I sometimes do, but a lot of the time I just can't resist trying to get a little closer, or petting her. Like I said, not a patient person :p Maybe we need a little less time together? I've been thinking about that lately... like, doing something out of the house and leaving her alone, maybe she benefits from it, and maybe I don't feel the urge to be closer and the frustration when she's scared.

"Then critically assess her personality.  Try  filter any preconceptions you had when you went to the shelter.  Use this information to begin building a unique relationship between you two."

Hmm. Don't exactly know what you mean? I'm from Norway, so I don't speak perfectly English :p
 
 

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I've also just unwittingly adopted a semi-feral cat (5yo) and have had quite a learning curve this past week and a half. Some great advice on these boards!
Let her go at her own pace. Help her to trust you with lots of treats ;) Maybe a few pets when she is calm and quiet to show that it won't hurt her and stop before she shows that she doesn't want it anymore. Leave her alone a bit. It all takes time. If I want to take something to another level, I just wait a little longer. No point in rushing things and taking backward steps. I've read many stories about it taking cats and people much longer than a month to grow comfortable with each other. Cats are cats! It really is impossible to know what their personalities will be or how they are shaped. She might become quite a love bug in her own time.
Good luck!! I hope you get some great advice here.
 
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chint

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Think about it as if she were a child left alone for most of its life - just fed and changed when needed.  No contact with other people, no hugging, no love.

Think about how that child would develop (or not, actually).  It is very similar to what this cat went through.  She quite simply does not know how to interact with humans in general and you in particular.
Thanks for the explanation btw - I get the picture a lot clearer when I think about it like that. And it makes sense regarding her behaviour :) Huh, quite a match... I've never had a cat in my adult life (or the life that I can remember, it's so long ago, and not long), and she doesn't know how to interact with humans. 

To be honest, I can relate to that childhood. Maybe I can use it to my advantage. Maybe there's a reason I picked her - she spoke to me. I don't know how or why :)
 

ondine

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I meant not to look at her with expectations.  You don't really know her, so take some time to understand her personality and her needs.  Pretend you're on a first date and trying to get to know her.

Also remember she is watching you closely.  She's learning ever day what she can expect and a calm household will help her settle in.

She's in a situation where she is not quite sure of things.  She needs to be able to know when her food will appear, that she has a safe place to be when she's frightened or unsure.

I think spending some time away might not hurt.  I would make it a routine, though, just like you had a job.  Come and go at the same time and stay out a similar amount of time.  Routine is the key here.  She needs to get used to a calm routine.  Once that is established, she'll feel more comfortable.

Feral cats are those who have not learned that humans are friends.  In fact, they feel the opposite.  With some exceptions, they are responsible for their own food and finding their own shelter, so they do not depend on humans.  They learn these behaviors and at a month old, she was far too young to do that.  She may have been born to a feral mother but she cold not possibly have learned how to be feral at that age.

She probably did learn that humans might not be really dependable, though.  Here's a chance for you to teach her that lesson!
 
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chint

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I've also just unwittingly adopted a semi-feral cat (5yo) and have had quite a learning curve this past week and a half. Some great advice on these boards!
Let her go at her own pace. Help her to trust you with lots of treats
Maybe a few pets when she is calm and quiet to show that it won't hurt her and stop before she shows that she doesn't want it anymore. Leave her alone a bit. It all takes time. If I want to take something to another level, I just wait a little longer. No point in rushing things and taking backward steps. I've read many stories about it taking cats and people much longer than a month to grow comfortable with each other. Cats are cats! It really is impossible to know what their personalities will be or how they are shaped. She might become quite a love bug in her own time.
Good luck!! I hope you get some great advice here.
Thank you :) Yes, that's what I've been thinking as well - stop before she jumps. Yeah, I know... It could've been a lot worse. I hope she will become a lap-cat. 

Good luck to you as well :)
 

ondine

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Thanks for the explanation btw - I get the picture a lot clearer when I think about it like that. And it makes sense regarding her behaviour :) Huh, quite a match... I've never had a cat in my adult life (or the life that I can remember, it's so long ago, and not long), and she doesn't know how to interact with humans. 

To be honest, I can relate to that childhood. Maybe I can use it to my advantage. Maybe there's a reason I picked her - she spoke to me. I don't know how or why :)
That is actually a very sweet insight.  I do believe our animals (and people) come into our lives when we need them.
 
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chint

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I've got a few questions regarding the relationship between us.... when we meet when we walk around the apartment (which is pretty much) when she doesn't quite expect it, or if it's many times in a short amount of time, she starts meowing. I'm a little unsure as to how to meet this... should I talk to her, try to calm her down? Just ignore her and go on with my business? Give her a treat?
And when we're playing with the fishrod, I sometimes use the fishrod to pet her as we're playing. She shivers a little,... well, not shivers. But her fur shakes a little when I touch her with it. Been using it as a "tool" to get her desenzitised, but I don't know if it's the right thing to do? She doesn't mind all that much, she removes herself a little, then plays on with the "bird" from the fishrod. I've been thinking that maybe she's too playful and excited for touching to have any effect? Or is it maybe a place to start as she is already in a playful mood? 
And how about getting her outside? She's just about 10 months now, so she's ready to go outside, but I'm guessing that she'll have to be more attached to me, rub her scent off of me and things here to not run away?
 

ondine

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She may be getting overstimulated - I think the shivering is a sign of excitement.  Watch her closely; if she gets too excited, she may bolt and hide, or even hiss or bat at you.  (I doubt this last as she seems pretty docile but some cats react that way to over stimulation).

The meowing is her way of trying to communicate to humans (another sign she isn't feral; feral cats don't meow, as there is no need for it).  Cats communicate primarily with the body language (tail up, she happy; tail twitching, she's annoyed).  They've learned to meow because we stupid humans can't seem to get the hang of that.  

Go ahead and talk to her - she may just be trying to tell you how she feels.  Don't be surprised if she starts using inflections in her meow.  (One of our cats asks questions - her meow goes way up at the end.  Another sounds like he's saying "Hello.").

I'd save the treats as part of her routine - every evening at a certain time, for instance.  My cats tell me when it is 7 o'clock - time for their bedtime treat! 

Using the wand tool to get her desensitized is a good idea.  Again, watch her body language.  You will soon be able to tell if she's had too much.

I am of the school that says cats need to be indoor-only.  You are correct about her needing to know her territory - she would get lost and/or run away.  Besides, there are just too many dangers outside.

I sincerely hope she is fixed, too.  Otherwise, you'll have kittens!  In addition, letting unfixed cats roam outside is how the feral cat problem started to begin with.

You sound like you are a sensitive person, so you will probably not have as hard a time as many others eventually understanding her.

It also sounds like you've found a friend for life!
 
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chint

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Thanks for the reply :) Yeah, I've been thinking about what you said last night, and I'm getting to know her a little better. I'll think I'll be able to figure her out more and more.

Yes, she is fixed. She is also id-chipped and vaccinated and health-checked. So that's not an issue.

ctually I just read this article:

http://www.catster.com/lifestyle/cat-health-indoor-outdoor-cats-ask-a-vet

So, hmm. I would like her to be an indoor cat, that was my original intent, but as far as I'm aware, it's easy for her to be under-stimulated when she's an indoor cat. That you should have two cats if you want to have them indoors. I am considering getting another cat (after she gets more comfortable and connects to this place and feels like home for her of course), but I have to hear with my landlord in case. And I haven't decided on that. The expenses doubles, obviously, so I have to think about it. But with all the dangers outside (I live in the city, so even though the cars drive slowly by here, there is a lot of traffic. And there's a lot of other cats outside), I am getting a little nervous about her being an outdoors cat.
 

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First, I am sorry to hear the shelter was not more upfront  with you.   But BLESS YOU for not giving up.  Many folks would have just returned the cat and said it is not working out. 

I volunteer with a shelter.  they have a program to socialize scared cats.  In the training, the trainer said to use a "stick" to get a cat used to touch.  I tried this on a feral cat and eventually I was able to pet him.  So you are doing the right thing.  the "shivering" is probably because the cat has never been touched like that before.  You might wrap the stick in some fleece or other fabric.  Pet her with it, and when she is comfortable with that, replace the stick with your hand. in a smooth motion.   Pet with the stick from front to back and then on the next stroke, use your hand. If you can do it from the back she will not see your hand.  Once she gets used to your hand, you can try petting from the side and front.  It works!  When I first met Dexter (the cat I was working with) he would hiss and claw.  After a time I could pet him with my hand and he even purred!  It might take days or weeks but don't give up and don't force it. You said you can pet her some already, so you may not need the stick.  just go slow.  When she moves or puts her ears back, just back off.   You want her  to know that nothing bad is going to happen when you touch her.

DO NOT LET HER OUTSIDE! (Please)  She does not need to be outside.  You mentioned you live in an apt.  There is traffic; anti-freeze can drip onto pavement. It is highly palatable and very toxic.  There may be toxic plants.  Hawks can carry off an adult cat.  There may be off-leash dogs. ETc.  Etc.  Cats can live in apts very well.

As far as hiding places - I recently brought in Tuly a partly friendly outside cat.  She wanted to hide.  I blocked off most of the inaccessible (to me) places.  I stuffed towels in front of my dresser.and bookcases.  When i moved her "out front" she wanted to hide again.  We took foam core (a plastic -like board.  You can get it at Hobby Lobby or other crafts stores.  It is easy to cut)  We put foam core at the end of the couch and duck-taped it to the wall and couch.  You could also use cardboard.  You can put cardboard or foam core around the legs of chairs up to the seat so she can not go under there.    Leave her a "safe place" in each room but make it accessible to you so you can talk to her, give her treats and maybe pet her if she seems OK with that.  A  box with towel or blanket would work fine.  She needs to be able to observe her new home without feeling threatened. 

As far as meowing - she  may just be a "talker".  One of my cats I got out of a storm drain when he was only about 3 weeks old.  He has been inside ever since.  Every 2 or 3 days he walks around for 5 or 10 minutes meowing.  I think he is just telling us how his day has been and maybe trying to tell us who has been  annoying him,  I have had him tested and nothing is wrong.

And of course please get her fixed if the shelter did not already do it.  If the shelter did not get her fixed and money is an issue, contact the local humane society or other rescue groups.  There may  be help available.  One thing the world does not need is more kittens.

You said she will get on the couch with you.  That is a big step.  Just put your hand or fist out, let her sniff and then pet gently as long as she will allow it.  Just let her know that nothing "bad" will happen when you are near.

Again, bless you for giving this kitty a home.  You are a special person for sticking it out and not just giving her back.  Please don't give up - you are making progress.
 
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chint

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Thank you so much for the reply, rgwanner. She is spayed from the shelter, yes. Hmm, the more I check it out, the more people suggest that I keep her inside. I'm leaning towards that decision. But how is that for just one cat? I may not be able to get two. Thinking about boredom and under-stimulation...

Ok, that's good to hear with the rod :) I'll keep doing it. She seems to like it the most when I pet her chest/chin. And I'll try covering it with a better surface. I tried with a brush the other day, taping it on, but she got scared by it. 

Yeah, I'll try. I think I'll just let her be a little by herself on the couch for now... I've been testing her patience lately, so I'll give her some slack. She's sleeping on a blanket on the other end of my couch as I'm writing... she's so cute I just want to jump over there and hug her, haha.

Yeah... hiding places. Thanks for the tips :) I tried covering the doorways with different stuff yesterday, but she just jumped over it or figured it out. But I haven't thought about the things you posted. I'll keep that in mind if she's still resisting.

Thank you :) She is testing my patience for sure (not a lot of that in my family :p ) but it's great writing on this forum and gaining insight and releasing frustration :) And it's terrific when you see that it acually helps :) It would've been great to see that I've actually made a rough life a little better :)
 

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~heaves a deep, contented sigh~  See, I TOLD you that folks with real knowledge and experience would be here to help!  I'll just keep following along to see how you are doing!
 

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You HAVE made her life better!!

  Please keep her inside.  She is 1000% better off. Having just one cat is fine.  You are there a lot now.  If that changes and you are gone during the day, give her lots of toys.  If you can put some kind of perch next to a window she can look out.  You can make a "hunting toy" - take a small plastic bottle  Cut holes in it  the size of treats.  Put treats in it.  ( you can also buy these) She will get exercise and be entertained as well.  Remember, cats sleep an average of 18 hours a day anyway.  For now you are there to give her lots of attention and play (when she wants it).  if she was outside she would probably be solitary anyway., even though there are other cats around.  If you want another cat in the future that would be great but as you said there are extra expenses.  Don't take on more than you can really afford both in time and money.

Don't give up now - you are making progress.
 
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chint

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You HAVE made her life better!!

  Please keep her inside.  She is 1000% better off. Having just one cat is fine.  You are there a lot now.  If that changes and you are gone during the day, give her lots of toys.  If you can put some kind of perch next to a window she can look out.  You can make a "hunting toy" - take a small plastic bottle  Cut holes in it  the size of treats.  Put treats in it.  ( you can also buy these) She will get exercise and be entertained as well.  Remember, cats sleep an average of 18 hours a day anyway.  For now you are there to give her lots of attention and play (when she wants it).  if she was outside she would probably be solitary anyway., even though there are other cats around.  If you want another cat in the future that would be great but as you said there are extra expenses.  Don't take on more than you can really afford both in time and money.

Don't give up now - you are making progress.
:) I just purchased a couple of toys earlier today - a contraption like the one you speak of - a ball with treats in it, witch will come out when she rolls the ball. I don't know if she understands the concept or is tired, but she'll get the concept I hope, Also bought a mouse which moves when you touch it, and stops to move when you touch it again. Yeah, that's good points. I guess an indoor cat will be fine. Have to think it over some more, but it sounds good. That was what I was aiming for all along, I just read that I should have two if I have them indoor. But with intelligent toys to stimulate her, a bigger cat tree/cat scratcher, I think it will be ok. She has two windows she can choose from. One of them has 3-4-5 cats outside some of the time. She stands there now and then and watches. The other window has a big window frame, so she can lie down. A lot of people go by outside, and a lot of traffic in general. Also a lot of sunshine in the morning and day. So she has some stimuli there.
 

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OK, this I can chime in on.  Having more than one cat can be wonderful, but often it is not.  Cats, unlike dogs, are NOT naturally pack animals, although many times ferals will form colonies that get along well.  However, a cat alone is not miserable and lonely the way a dog can often be.   Introducing two cats is often a very long-term process with many a slip and setback.  As skittish as she is right now, I would not recommend adding any possible stressor to the mix.  Maybe later when she is totally comfortable with you.  Maybe.  

From what you have described about your home, she should be content there when you aren't home.  You have two channels of "Cat TV" (window) for her to watch, climbing spots and toys.  She's going to sleep most of that time away, anyhow.
 
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chint

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She lied on my legs while I was laying in my bed under the covers <3 <3 And jumped up in the windowframe when my head was just centimeters away. I've also petted her sometimes when she is laying in her bed ^_^ ^_^ It feels great :D
 
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