Can't get over the last moments

Well,

  It's been a year and a half since I lost my Tabby to CHF.  I try to remember only the good times, but after all this time I am still haunted by that horrible day and the course of events that took place.  It was such a whirlwind.  One moment he was here, the next we were at the vet and he was scared and in terrible pain.  He was a ferral cat so he was always afraid of the vet.  He climbed up and clung to my shoulder and I wish I could have just taken him home and let him die in my arms.  I was so scared and shocked by how quickly things turned.  The vet said he had thrown a blood clot that had paralyzed his rear legs and he was in a lot of pain.  I'll never know if he was in pain or not.  He started going into shock at the vet's office and they gave him gas to put him under to calm him down because they said any pain meds would take too long to kick in.   They didn't offer any hope and he was in end stage heart failure with a thrombosis.  I made the decision not to revive him.  He had already been through so much over 2 yrs.  I had promised him I wouldn't put him through any more.  I've already posted all of this when it happened, but coming up on his one and a half year anniversary of crossing over is bringing up all of the memories of that day.  He didn't go peacefully in my arms, he was petrified and for once, I couldn't do anything to take his fear away.  He left this world in pain and scared, and I couldn't help him.  I don't know what else I could have done, it all happened in in the blink of any eye..  I came home in shock afterwards.  I've never gotten over how it all went down that day.  I can't forgive myself.  I miss him so much and I feel that somehow I betrayed him.  Here come the tears again.  

I'm so sorry for your loss and your pain. Please try not to feel guilty, you did the best possible thing for him. You took his pain away, I know you loved him.

 Thank you for your kind words.

I am sorry your are haunted by those last few terrible moments. Please try to focus on the wonderful years you gave him. He was loved. So many ferrals never experience a loving home where they never have to look over their shoulder, spend their days looking for food and warmth. What was the sweet boy's name?

I'm so sorry.  Please remember that you were acting as an advocate for Tabby.   You were faced with sad and unavoidable circumstances.  You did everything you could to help him.  Bless you.    

When things like this happen, the shock and the speed of decision making that affects the rest of our life is unimaginable and horrific beyond our wildest dreams. In fact many times it feels like a horrible nightmare that has no end. I had nightmares that continue to this day, over three years later, and only by consciously pushing it out of my mind and concentrating on more pleasant things have I been able to go on. They mean so much to us and fill such a big space in our lives that when they leave us it is like a vacuum that sucks the very life from us and leaves us empty and so full of sadness and guilt. You did what you had to do, there was no way you could leave your Tabby in such pain and fear with only one conclusion, with these clots there is almost a zero chance of survival and no chance of having a normal life again, you had no choice. I can feel the guilt and anguish you are going through when you remember his confusion and fear. Don't think you didn't comfort him by being there, he could feel your love even through his fear. Although it didn't seem so at the time, your presence comforted him greatly, you were the one person he loved the most and he trusted you to take away his pain. I cry for your guilt and anguish, I know what it is like, but it is something we go through, the price we pay for loving so much. The price we pay is great, but so worth the love and what we gain by having them and knowing they loved us in return. What they give to our soul is priceless. He gave you much happiness, don't let the end somehow diminish the happy times you spent together. He would never want you to think of him with such pain in your heart, let your earlier memories bring you comfort and know you gave him a wonderful home and food and love when he had none in his life.  He is at peace now, secure in knowing he will be forever held in a loving heart. The bond you have with him ties you together no matter how many years go by, his love will be in your heart forever, treasure it and know it can be yours to comfort you in your time of need. I'll pray for you both, take care......RIP sweet Tabby, try to comfort the one who loves you so much, you are so missed and will never be forgotten!

Thank you, his name was Tabby.  When he found me I thought he was a female and named him Tabitha.  This is because my male cat Tigger would not let any other males in the yard.  I'll never know why he allowed Tabby in.   When I took him (thinking he was a her) to the clinic for spaying, they called to tell me "he" had been neutered!  He was already responsive to his name so I shortened it to "Tabby!"

Thank you, I try to remind myself of that but sometimes the dark memories just seem to creep in.

Thank you so much, your post left me speechless and with tears streaming down my cheeks.  You said all of the things I try to feel and believe.  It's just so hard.  I have had many pets, and they have all left their place in my heart, but there was just something about Tabby.  He seemed to have a sixth sense and always comforted me when I needed it the most.  He held me together through a difficult divorce and brought me comfort when no one else could.  I nursed him through congestive heart failure for 2 yrs. when the doctors gave us no hope beyond a couple of months.  We had a bond that was stronger than anything else I had ever experienced.  The only place he ever wanted to be was on my shoulder snuggled close to my face.  His purr was louder than any other cat I had ever known.  He was my boy and I'll never stop loving or missing him.

 Condolences during this difficult anniversary time.  My own dear Joey suffered from "manx syndrome" and one horrible day in December,2009, his rear end prolapsed and he was in agony. I took him to the vet with credit card in hand, fully expecting to incur huge expenses which would be so worth it....when the vet said that there was no option but to humanely release him from his pain, I felt like I was hurling into a dark hole.  I went from being numb with shock, digging through the snow to create his little grave, to devastating grief (it didn't help hearing the other kitties calling, calling for him - their mournful mrreowling scouring across my heart as they searched every nook and cranny for him). I created a journal "Losing Joey" which still brings me to tears even though Joey died in 2009 and since then, many human loved ones have crossed The Bridge to join him.  I didn't have the heart to remove his pic from my avatar - he loved to collect toys and put them in his cat bed (he slept with me, the bed was only for naps).

I am sorry that Tabby was so miserable at the end - there was no avoiding his discomfort at going to the vet's since ferals seem to be convinced that it is a terrifying place no matter the circumstances. Fortunately, you were there to be his safe place. You managed to give him 2 "bonus years" of the joys of living in a safe, happy home and I thank you dearly for that! I pray for kitties everywhere, especially cats in need, whether ferals, lost kitties or even the Syrian refugee cats whose owners manage to keep them with the family, even when crossing the Mediterranean in those flimsy rafts...and in Tabby's case, you were the answer to the prayers of cat lovers everywhere  

Sometimes we have to decide to stop focusing on those last minutes. Especially when things go wrong. We can only as mere humans and not Gods make the best decision possible at the moment. And you did. You did not cause his pain. You released him from a hopeless situation. I went though this when I lost my beautiful Arab mare to colic. Her age and other medical conditions meant she wasn't a candidate for surgery. For years I have been haunted that her last effort on earth was to break free of the vet who injected her and run to me. Dying just feed from me.

It's a terrible and weighty decision and you make it not thinking of after. I have used redirected thinking. When my mind goes to those last few horrible moments I realize it does not define what I had with that wonderful horse. In fact focusing on the horror of the last few hours begins to diminish the memories that are the very reason you feel such grief.

What happened was not my fault and what happened to Tabby was not yours. The decisions we made were out of love.

I had to consciously think of other things and keep my mind occupied during those first horrible months and years. But at night the mind wanders and it always seemed to go back to that terrible time over and over. I would remember and just sit there and cry.  It doesn't do any good to go over something that cannot be changed, it only brings heartache. I finally clung to the fact that she would never want me to go on like this, she would want me to go on with my life, as I would want her to do, treasure my memories, and pass on her legacy of love to other little beings that so desperately need love and attention, This I do in her name and you can too. Honor Tabby by taking care of others. This can be done at shelters, or by caring for strays or ferals that have no one. Please know you are not alone, my heart breaks for what you are going through, because I go through the same.  

bgregory said:

 He didn't go peacefully in my arms, he was petrified and for once, I couldn't do anything to take his fear away.  He left this world in pain and scared, and I couldn't help him.  I don't know what else I could have done, it all happened in in the blink of any eye..  I came home in shock afterwards.  I've never gotten over how it all went down that day.  I can't forgive myself.  I miss him so much and I feel that somehow I betrayed him.  Here come the tears again.  

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just saying, I'm going through the exact same thing. The Rogue died of congestive heart failure 5 days ago, and I am still in shock. His last moments were bad, he was in panic and cried while we were driving to the emergency vet who could not save him. The worst - apart from having my heart ripped out by living with a Rogue-shaped hole, and the Rogue had a huge shape - was that I could not help him.

I'm trying to tell myself that his pain was short and necessary to be pain-free forever.

I know that's no help for you, but just know you are not alone.

I am truly sorry for your loss. I too have lost a friend and I have felt guilty. However we did the best we could. You took him to a vet. There are others who would have just let their cat die On the floor or under a sofa because they didn't want to deal with money issues or etc. death comes quick and without notice. Unfortunately it happens regularly and to many people. God bless and I'm sure your beautiful kitty is looking down and waiting to see you again one day.

Aside from an animal that grows old gracefully and either dies peacefully in their sleep all death is traumatic. For each of us there is the need to deal with that final moment when what makes them , them slips away and we are left to clutch the empty shell so familiar to our hand and the feel of them against us. And it's just gone. We mourn their bodies but our hearts cry out for the unique individual that is gone. It's the same if it happens in a comfortable vet office with a sofa and soft music or on the front seat of your car in a frantic effort to get to a vet. The hurt is there. The guilt of not doing more is there. And it is what nearly everyone here goes through. Your pain is unique to you. But the sorrow of loss is shared. Our hearts ache for you because we know the same hollow feeling. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Sometimes we have to accept we have or had no control over a situation and that we done our best.

bgregory said:

 
Well,

  It's been a year and a half since I lost my Tabby to CHF.  I try to remember only the good times, but after all this time I am still haunted by that horrible day and the course of events that took place.  It was such a whirlwind.  One moment he was here, the next we were at the vet and he was scared and in terrible pain.  He was a ferral cat so he was always afraid of the vet.  He climbed up and clung to my shoulder and I wish I could have just taken him home and let him die in my arms.  I was so scared and shocked by how quickly things turned.  The vet said he had thrown a blood clot that had paralyzed his rear legs and he was in a lot of pain.  I'll never know if he was in pain or not.  He started going into shock at the vet's office and they gave him gas to put him under to calm him down because they said any pain meds would take too long to kick in.   They didn't offer any hope and he was in end stage heart failure with a thrombosis.  I made the decision not to revive him.  He had already been through so much over 2 yrs.  I had promised him I wouldn't put him through any more.  I've already posted all of this when it happened, but coming up on his one and a half year anniversary of crossing over is bringing up all of the memories of that day.  He didn't go peacefully in my arms, he was petrified and for once, I couldn't do anything to take his fear away.  He left this world in pain and scared, and I couldn't help him.  I don't know what else I could have done, it all happened in in the blink of any eye..  I came home in shock afterwards.  I've never gotten over how it all went down that day.  I can't forgive myself.  I miss him so much and I feel that somehow I betrayed him.  Here come the tears again.  

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What is it that you blame yourself for?  Not being God?

Yes, our cats think we can fix anything.  Unfortunately, we can't.  I'm not trying to make fun of your pain and guilt, merely to point out that the guilt at least is totally undeserved.  The pain, on the other hand, we all know that one.  It's horrible.



I think that maybe it's haunting you this way because you've been trying to put it behind you.  That doesn't work.  It's a way to try to avoid grieving, and that just means that you never finish grieving.  Let yourself feel the pain.  Mourn for your cat.  This is the way you take care of you.  Yes, in some ways this was more horrific than most pet deaths, and that makes it harder for you.  All the more reason to grieve properly.

You are holding yourself to a higher standard than you would ever require of anyone else.  Forgive yourself for not being able to fix that which couldn't be fixed, and let yourself feel the pain.  Nothing about what happened is fair.  I'm sure your parents told you the same thing that all parents do -- life isn't fair.  But that is no reason that we can't be fair, and you're not being fair to yourself.

Without you, your little guy would never have known love, and he would still have died of a heart attack if something else hadn't gotten him first, and there would have been no vet to anesthetize him.  He would not just have been frightened, he would have been frightened and alone, and the pain would have been worse.  You did everything humanly possible for him.  Give yourself some credit.

And give him some credit.  You have allowed the end of his life, and your own guilt, to overshadow his life, and what you and he had together.  If you can remember that, and grieve the loss of that, you will be on the road to recovery, where you belong.

Margret