I and You

I was the one who would make eye contact with you in the same room and call your name

And you were the one who would wag his tail in response

I was the one who would call your name from a different room

And you were the one who would hurl himself down from the cat tree and come trotting to my room, saying "Gluck, gluck" at the doorway before hurling yourself into my lap and flipping over onto your back for a belly rub

I was the one who would come home from work in the evening

And you were the one who would greet me at the door and then start running in circles around my feet following me throughout the apartment

I was the one who would throw a toy

And you were the one who taught me that game called throw where you would drop a toy at my feet and I would reflexively throw it then you would bring it back and I would throw it again, all the while you were squealing with glee

I was the one who would get up in the morning

And you were the one who would wrap his tail around my leg and walk side by side with me to the kitchen for breakfast

I was the one who put you in the cat carrier that night you were dealing with another bad hairball, even though I knew there was nothing more terrifying to you than that cage

And you were the one who screamed in sheer terror when I put you in the cage, then went into cardiac arrest, your last words to me being sad little whimpers before you died.

I am the one who misses you to this very day, wishing beyond wishes that I could take back that one fateful action and just give you 10 or 15 seconds to expel the hairball.

And you are not alone in paying for my mistake

I miss you Back.

How sad... for both of you.

This moved me to tears - it showed such a strong love for your baby, and how very very much you miss him. My heart goes out to you in your grief.

Losing your kitty is hard enough and I'm so sorry your loss is worsened by feelings of guilt. I hope some day you will be able to recognize that there was no way to predict he would go into cardiac arrest when he did. And it is always possible he would have gone into arrest anyway - you really don't know for sure that it was caused by fear of his carrier. Please be gentle with yourself - you had your baby's best interest at heart and he knew that. He knew you were the source of all good things in his life and he loved you.

He sounds like a very special cat.

Those of us who feel so guilty about our babies deaths can definitely sympathize. I know we would give anything in our power to re- live that fateful day, even that fateful hour over again, but the past is something that can never be changed. You have to remember that you would never do anything that would purposely hurt the one you love so much, it was a horrible accident and we are left with images in our minds that are forever burned into our brains. My heart hurts when I think of my little one, and I know we both cry for the companionship and the love that we lost.  They would never blame us, and I know your sweet little one would never want you to be so sad for the rest of your life, but to celebrate the time you DID have together and the love that you shared for so long. We are left behind to go on, and hopefully make others aware of our tragedy so it never happens again. I do many things in my Chrissy's name, pay for adoptions and spayings, donate to local TNR programs, and feed the neighborhood strays. My heart goes out to you, may you be blessed for loving so much to hurt so bad, my prayers are with you, you are not alone in your grief. 

cataan said:

 
I was the one who would make eye contact with you in the same room and call your name

And you were the one who would wag his tail in response

I was the one who would call your name from a different room

And you were the one who would hurl himself down from the cat tree and come trotting to my room, saying "Gluck, gluck" at the doorway before hurling yourself into my lap and flipping over onto your back for a belly rub

I was the one who would come home from work in the evening

And you were the one who would greet me at the door and then start running in circles around my feet following me throughout the apartment

I was the one who would throw a toy

And you were the one who taught me that game called throw where you would drop a toy at my feet and I would reflexively throw it then you would bring it back and I would throw it again, all the while you were squealing with glee

I was the one who would get up in the morning

And you were the one who would wrap his tail around my leg and walk side by side with me to the kitchen for breakfast

I was the one who put you in the cat carrier that night you were dealing with another bad hairball, even though I knew there was nothing more terrifying to you than that cage

And you were the one who screamed in sheer terror when I put you in the cage, then went into cardiac arrest, your last words to me being sad little whimpers before you died.

I am the one who misses you to this very day, wishing beyond wishes that I could take back that one fateful action and just give you 10 or 15 seconds to expel the hairball.

And you are not alone in paying for my mistake

I miss you Back.

Click to expand...

I'm so sad that you're still beating yourself up about this. It was not your fault. You were trying to get help for Back. 

Everyone, including Back knows that you would never, ever have intentionally caused him harm. We all know how much you will always love him and miss him. He loves and misses you too. I have no doubt that you will see him again one day and I believe that the first thing he'll say after he tells you himself how much he loves and missed you is that it was NOT your fault. 

It's a demon I wrestle with myself so I actually do know how you feel except mine is a little different. Mine is over the death of my DH. The anniversary of his passing is on Sunday. Would he still be here if I had done something differently? I will never know. Neither of us will. 

I do know this. Back would not want you to do this to yourself. My DH wouldn't either but I know how easy it is to get pulled into that. The only thing we can do is try to hold on to all the good times because there were so many. You can't let that one moment overshadow countless wonderful ones. Try to be kind to yourself. It's what Back would want. You gave him a wonderful life full of love and friendship. One he wouldn't have traded for anything or anyone. 

I wish there was some way i could tell you that you are not to blame for what happened.  We all have to make decisions for our pets, and you were only trying to help your beloved friend.  The way you are hurting breaks my heart.  I am so sorry.  

I read this and was so saddened I actually signed up to answer you. What a great cat and I know you are heartbroken...but I honestly cannot believe that he died of fright. Animals hardly ever die of fright, even with underlying conditions. Think of animals that get caught in a trap...they draw down into themselves, they dont die and yet they are petrified. Animals are set up for survival..otherwise every fleeing deer would drop dead. Its much more likely your cat had a cardiac condition and was just about to have a heart attack...or that it was made worse by a big hairball. Hairballs can be a very big problem but again, owner cant really know its happening. They can build up and cause a blockage. 

I just dont think you had anything at all to do with your cat's death...just a sad coincidence, nothing to do with you, I am sure.  And I am sorry for your loss. Lost one of mine to cancer few months back and now the other is slowly shakily on her way out.  I know how it hurts. I had to put mine to sleep and I kept on fretting if I was depriving her of life....its almost like I wanted to blame myself. Why would I want to do that? Maybe it gives us an illusion of control...if we think we made an error, it was as if we were in control all along. 

But we arent. Its Nature's will, not ours. I dont know if I am helping or not, but hope I am. 

I'm so sorry Cataan.

I remember reading your posts when this first happened, I'm sorry it doesn't seem to have got any easier for you. What would you have done differently if you could go back and change things? If you hadn't tried to get Back to the vets and he had died then you would feel awful for not trying to help. I think it was just his time to go. Nothing you could have done or not done would change that.

Please just try to cherish your memories of him rather than blaming yourself.

I know it hurts. I'm hurting with you. 

Norachan -- what I wish is that I had just petted him and told him he could do it, he could get that hairball out, rather than not giving him time to expel it and instead scooping him up saying "That's it Back we're going to the vet."  Then, after the hairball, I would have given him some wet food (he always wanted to eat after a hairball) and waited a little bit before going to the vet so he wouldn't have been in distress from the painful hairball.  On the other hand, had I waited 10 seconds only to hear him scream and collapse I would have immediately taken him to the vet.  I wouldn't have blamed myself because it would have only been 10 seconds and I would have been doing what anyone would do - let him expel the hairball.  Had he died from some sudden reason not associated with me I would be far more accepting of the situation since I would not have been the cause of the cardiac arrest.  It's one thing to be unable to help, or to not act seconds sooner; it's another thing entirely when your very own actions cause your friend's death.

Cataan, It breaks my heart to read how much you are hurting. I, like all the others who have posted, do not feel that you caused your kitty's death. He may have had a cardiac problem that escalated due to him being scared of the carrier, but in no way did you cause his passing. Chances are what happened would have happened anyway regardless of your actions. I understand how we can blame ourselves when we lose our kitties. I find myself doing the same thing. I wish I had some magic words to help your pain go away. I really feel for you and I do understand. Just know that you loved your kitty and he loved you just as much. He knows that you would never hurt him.I only hope that one day you can remember your kitty with smiles instead of tears. Please take care!!

It sounds odd to use the word "unfortunately", but unfortunately he didn't have a heart problem.  When we arrived at the vet CPR was performed and he was revived and hooked up to an ECG and had ultrasound.  Heart disease was ruled out:  he sinus rhythm was normal, the structure was normal, no clots, no fluid build-up, nothing.  His heart rate was 120, which is the low side of normal for a cat but not what you would expect for a cat at the vet, especially one who was being groped by people, so he was termed bradycardic.  He was labeled not responsive which could have been the result of a lack of oxygen for ten minutes (the drive to the vet).  He was also severely dehydrated so much so that they could not access his jugular vein.  As it turns out bradycardia (low heart rate) is a symptom of dehydration, and the dehydration explains why his hairballs had become so distressing and difficult since he wasn't making much vomitus fluid to spit them up.

Medically, dehydration can lead to cardiac arrest if too much stress is incurred.  Back was an abnormally skittish cat -- a knock on the neighbor's door would send him into hiding for 8 hours under my dresser, but even that paled in comparison to the dreaded cat carrier.  So, it all looks like he was in a dehydrated state and susceptible to cardiac arrest if stressed too much, and I triggered the stress when I put him in the carrier while he was already in distress from the hairball.  Certainly I didn't realize he was so dehydrated as I always left water in a bowl and he was not lethargic which you would assume occurs with serious dehydration.  But it's hard not to take blame for being the one who triggered the stress that caused his cardiac arrest.

I'm so sorry for your loss. You are not alone. We are here for you. It's not your fault. BACK was so loved by you and he knows you didn't do anything wrong. Just like my Grovie who passed earlier this month. I feel terrible guilt and pain. But we did the right thing, even though we lost them. I'm thinking of you and please know we're all here for you