My precious, precious baby is gone. Wasn't able to be with him at the end.

Hello everyone.  My baby Merlin died on Monday, April 13th at about 8:45 am.  He was 15 years old.

A little back story.  Merlin had a really bad coughing attack on March 28th.  We took him to the vet and they said he had an upper respiratory infection and looked as if he had asthma (and had it for some time)  He had coughed before, off and on for years, but it was never very bad.  Vet's told me if he didn't get any worse not to bother with treatments as it would just traumatize him.

Well he never really improved.  He would get somewhat better, but slowly he went down hill.  We had him to the vet several times over the two weeks, even to an internal medicine specialist.  We had him on liquid and inhaled steroids.  He lived his last two days in the vet hospital.

Saturday evening he started to have another attack.  My husband bundled him into our car and drove him to the vet.  I was so upset, and had been that I didn't go with him.  He decided to keep him.  On Monday we called and the vet, who said he had been improving said he had another attack.  We were going to go that night and visit him, pet him and decide what to do.  5 mins later the vet called and said he was having a siezure of some sort and became non responsive.  Instead of forcing the poor baby to stay alive until we got to him, we allowed the vet to help him go.

The vet said he was very calm the entire time he was over there, purring and being the good boy he always had been, but they said his lungs probably had remodeled and he wasn't improving.

I did everything I could for him, I know that.  But what bothers me still is that I didn't go with my husband to the vet that night and my husband or I were not able to be with him as he crossed over.  I am having a hard time letting go of this.  I wasn't sure I would have been able to be with him anyway, and watch him go.  I had gotten a cancer diagnosis on 4/9 and lost my baby on 4/13.  I was at the end of ability to cope.

My greatest pain about this that he was with strangers when died and that he felt abandoned by the person he loved most, me.  If he had been home he would have struggled so much and suffered more.  He was able to have oxygen at the vet and got medication.  We had to know if it would help him or not, so I know we had to do it, but I can't let go of this.

I guess I just want to talk to people that understand.  People have been kind to me, but they have no idea how this is crushing me.  I had merlin for 13 years and he is the closest thing I think I will ever have to a real child.  To coin a phrase from my Irish friends.  I am simply gutted.

i am so sorry for your loss 

I to am so sorry for the loss of your precious baby.  Most of us have gone thru this at one time or another.  It never gets easier as far as losing them.  I'm sure that someone at your clinic comforted him as he crossed.  Again, so sorry.

Dear MerlinsMom, I am so sorry for your loss and the way it happened as it obviously pains you greatly.

I wish I could say some magic words to make you feel better, but there are none, except that most of the people on this site have gone through something similar once before. Meaning, you are understood as we can relate to the feelings of loss and blame.

It is never easy as they leave us, never, regardless if we are preparing for their farewell for months, years or if they are taken from us in an instant. You did everything you could for his disease, and never forget - you loved him for 5475 days...

Everybody here feels the blame at one point. It is just natural part of letting go. We always wish we had done things differently, always, every single person goes through the blame phase. Sometimes it lasts days, sometimes weeks, months, but we really need to accept that it wasn't our fault for whatever we are feeling. Sometimes things are meant to be the way they are and nothing could have changed the outcome of it.

I wish you a quick recovery as the coming days and weeks will be quite hard. Keep his memory alive, write about him, write down your thoughts, feelings, frustrations, put it in words, draw, create his memory book, print a mug with your favorite picture of his ... you know very well he loved you endlessly.

I'm very sorry for your devastating loss. Merlin had 13 years of love from you, and was in the company of compassionate people when he passed, so please don't beat yourself up about it. If he'd been home, he may have crossed over in the middle of the night when you and your husband were sleeping. RIP, Merlin.

Hi Merlin's mum. Sorry for the loss of your poor boy. I can definitely relate.

Now you didn't go back and see him because you loved him so much you didn't want him to suffer. Don't let your mind trick you. You could have gone back to see him as you mentioned but he had a seizure. You didn't want him to suffer and wait for you guys to be with him as he was under severe stress. That's how much you loved him. Rather than be with him and extend his pain and trauma you ended his suffering even though it would begin yours.

I know how you feel about your boy dying with strangers. With you remember it had to be that way or else the suffering would have been extended.

The last day my boy was alive, he was waiting to have an operation after his side had split open from cancer tumours. I was going to go back and see him before his op but didn't. I didn't want him to pick up on my stress, and him go into the operation with stress. That was the last time I saw him awake and it killed me. The vet called and said he analysed him while he was asleep and advised not to go through with the operation, but rather let him stay asleep. Put him down while he was asleep. It hurts me thibking about it as I promised my boy I wouldn't do that to him. That crushed me as well. Breaking a promise. Also thibking about him being alone at the vet, probably feeling abandoned like I left him there and I'm sure he knew he wouldn't be waking up from that op. I also wasn't there at the end . Our family did go back and see him and say goodbye while he was under anesthetic and about to be put to sleep, but we left before he did get put to sleep. The vet didn't ask. I walked out because I couldn't bare to witness it to tell you the truth. I think you wouldn't have been able to either. But not being there at the end for that also plagued me big time. But I realised, even if the vet asked me, I couldn't see my boy be put to sleep.

It's true what people say . Regret will always be there. You didn't abandon your boy. I realise I didn't also. I loved my boy so much , I didn't want to give him the slightest bit of negativity or fear , or suffering. The operation would have put my boy through a lot of pain, at least from what I was told.

You loved your boy so much and did what was best for him. I don't think he would have felt abandoned at all. The vet did say he was purring while he was there.

Remember these things.

You didn't want to extend his pain, but end it. Even if that meant it would hurt you.

Your cat was purring at the vet.

You all had wonderful years together.

You did not abandon him. All the way through you gave him the best that you, or anyone else, could have. I'm sure he didn't feel abandoned either - firstly, he was in the place that, in the circumstances, he could be most comfortable and secondly, animals really don't think that way.

The first cat that was truly 'mine' (as opposed to the family's) had a stroke at home but was still alive. He was rushed to a specialist 2 hours drive away and died there, with none of us there, 24 hours later. It was so hard to come to terms with feeling that I'd sent him away to die, rather than keeping him with me. It does get easier with time (hollow as I'm sure that sounds now) although you never forget.

Merlin had a wonderful life with someone who gave him everything he needed and more. He was not abandoned, and your final gift to him was a peaceful death. Once respiratory failure takes hold, as it did that morning, the cat is oblivious to his surroundings. Even if you had been there its doubtful that he'd have been aware of it.

I know it's so hard and so painful, but focus on the long, wonderful life he enjoyed with you. Mourn his passing, but celebrate the life you gave him and the pleasure you brought each other too. Let that be your lasting memory of him.

So Sorry for your loss. We just lost our girl lastnight.  hurts so much.  Thinking of you and yours. 

I am so sorry. He was loved and comforted at the end....please don't feel guilty.You'd have hated it more if he had to suffer til you got there.

I am sending you giant hugs right now and hope you can take care of yourself through your cancer diagnosis. trust me, your baby is there with you 100% of the way. 

Thank you everyone.  I am glad to have such caring people to talk to.  Its been hard today not having him here with me at home, but I am bearing up better than I was.

Thanks again

I'm so sorry for your loss.... nows the time to push any guilt feelings away if they come... focus on what you set out to do for your furbaby...give him the bestest life possible... and you did. THAT'S what made him the kitty he was... bless you during this sad time... many of us know it all too well..but..it gets better...

I don't know how I missed your post, but I wanted to let you know how sorry I am for your loss.  

We all have those horrible feelings of guilt when we lose someone so precious to us.I truly believe your sweet  Merlin's last thoughts were of the wonderful love and devotion he received from you for thirteen years, cats just love, they don't hold blame. He could sense you were trying to help him, you went above and beyond in his care. Comfort yourself with the good memories, they are more precious then gold, try not to dwell on the end. Your sweet baby would never want you to remember the love you shared with such sadness, but to celebrate the years you had. Even though he left , a part of his heart will forever be bonded with yours as long as you live. I'm so sorry, take care.......RIP sweet Merlin!

Thank you all for your kind words.  This weekend was definitely easier than the last.  There is a marked abscence without him, but I felt him all weekend.

Merlin 

Hi Mommie,
I am so sorry about your loss. I truly understand what you are going through because I have been there too. It is not easy my friend. Do not feel quilty about not being present with him at the hospital. I'm sure he knew how much you loved him.

Your kitty was at the best place possible-- among medical professionals with the proper knowledge and equiptment at hand. He could have passed on the way to the hospital, or at your home, and he may have suffered more. Instead, he was kept comfortable, passing on with loving memories of you and the good times thzt you both shared.

Even though he is gone he did not leave without giving you a special gift. Just search for it. You will find it deep in your heart, filled with a special kind of love from him that will remain with you forever. His love, his memory will warm you always.

Robert

I am very sorry for your loss, and your medical issues.  I understand how you feel; quite a few years ago my Ex and I had a precious cat, Jasmier, that had breast cancer.  While she underwent a "mastectomy" and did well for a short while, but never truly recovered.  One evening  we noticed her breathing sounded labored and she was lethargic.  My ex-husband took her to the vet the next day, her lungs were failing and filling with liquid. He told my ex that she was slowly suffocating and it was time to let her go. My ex agreed with my vet, and told him to go ahead.   Thankfully, I had been going to this vet for many years (long before I met my ex) and he knew me very well. He told my ex that I would never forgive him if he let Jasmier go without telling me and allowing me to first say good-bye.  I received the call around 6:00pm, and raced to the vet who was about 30 minutes away.  I knew they were closed, I also knew that my vet would not do anything until I got there.  So I do understand how you feel.

With that said, please know that cats are truly smarter than we are.  I honestly believe Merlin understood that you were at "the end of your ability to cope" and did not want to further upset you.  I know this because shortly after I got divorced in 2011, I went to stay with mom along with my 14 year old female cat, Taz (her sister had suddenly became extremely sick a couple of months before I moved and died in my arms when I went to see her at the vet).  My mom had two male cats (2 years old) at the time.  They were very friendly and wanted just want to play with Taz but all she did was sleep with me then hide under my table for the whole day.  I am sure she was a bit traumatized.  Long story short, I read about a well known pet psychic, Cherie Vergini, that lived nearby, I was willing to do anything, so I made an appointment.  When Cherie arrived, the first thing Taz wanted to know was if "that bad man was going to follow us to our new home.  I knew she did not like my ex; Taz told Cherie my ex was mean, a liar and had been a con man his whole life, but that he was going to pay for what he had done. He had also kicked and thrown Taz across the room one time when I was hospitalized (because she did not like my ex, whenever I was hospitalized she would hiss and growl at him).  My mom's cats were young and a little too rambunctious. Not only did I not tell Cherie anything about my situation; and I had no idea that three years later I would be the main prosecution witness for the Federal Government. My ex he had been indicted by a grand jury for fraud about six months after Cherie's visit.

I do not think it was a coincidence that my dear Tazzy stayed with me until she was 17.5; it was time for to cross the rainbow bridge on the the Friday right before I had to testify.  He was found guilty and is currently in prison.  Cherie was able to reassure Taz; she also told my mom's cats that Taz was older and they needed to be gentle with her.  Within a month, Taz was much happier, and the three of them were very close.  I have spoken with Cherie on more than one occasion.  She was the one who told me cats and dogs are very sensitive to the needs of their caregiver(s).  While Merline is not here now, you can tell him goodbye and he will hear you.  If you actually want to "speak" with him, contact Cherie, she also does phone consultations.  If you are interested, google her name, Cherie Vergini; she has a website that explains what she does along with many testimonies so you can make an informed decision, if you are at all interested.

Many hugs..

Hello,

I know just how you feel.  We lost our Zampy, age 15, on 2/15/15.  The week before was fraught with indecision about what was wrong, and what to do about it.  We ended up putting him down because it was clear that he was suffering.  Could we have done it sooner?  Of course.  But we wanted to be sure he could still live a quality life, if it was meant to be.  My heart still aches, and probably always will, but we know we took the best care of him when it really mattered.  Please don't beat yourself up about not being there at the end.  Even though we were able to be there and hold him, I'm pretty sure Zampy didn't even recognize us in his final minutes.  Yet, I think he knows, as does your Merlin, that they were and are loved, eternally.

Please just know you did the best you could for your little friend, and he is happy, and thanks you for the love you gave him.

Be Well

I'm so sorry for your loss, my thoughts and prayers go out to you during this difficult time.

RIP Merlin

Don't feel bad about not being there; we all find something that was not just right at the end.  I planned my Rizzo's passing very carefully & it turned into a nightmare even though I was right there with him.   After 15 years of being loved & cared for do you think he felt abandoned?  He knew you took him to the best place for care & let him go peacefully when there was no hope.  Rest easy, he is at peace.