Ethical responsibility- when to intervene?

I had made a comment of not liking my roommate's cat in my introduction, and didn't list him as part of the family. But I'll list him here.

Tyler

My question will soon be irrelevant because my roommate will be moving out in the next month or so but this has been weighing on me for nearly a year. My roommate does not take care of his cat. I've known him for a few years and it seems to me that he likes the idea of having an animal around but never really forms a bond with them. I've seen more than a few animals come and go from his care (before we became roommates)- for whatever reason he finds he's unable to care for an animal, rehomes it but then ends up with a new pet not too long after. I'm sure everyone knows someone like this. He received Tyler as part of a pair, another cat that was Tyler's sister, but didn't keep the second cat long. He's had Tyler for around two years now.

Tyler has had a lot of health and behavioral issues since he has lived in my house. The most obvious being that he is extremely overweight. From what I can tell, he prefers to relieve himself anywhere BUT the litter box (usually right in front of it, but he's even gone on my bed, on couch pillows, in laundry baskets, etc).

Now, I'm not necessarily looking for advice on any particular issue because I've handled a wide range of behavioral problems with my own cats successfully. But I feel very limited in my ability to help Tyler. Because he's not my cat and when I try and go to my roommate to discuss an issue he dismisses it. If I bring up the pooping everywhere, he says "How do you know it's not one of your cats?" I know because I pay close attention to each of my cats health and behavior. I would KNOW if they were having a problem. I know their histories and personality quirks inside and out. I know them as well as I do my own (human) child.

I had at one point got the feeling that when he moves out, he might abandon Tyler all together. Or try and get rid of him before he moves. And I feel immensely responsible for any cat in my care (and sometimes ones that are not) so I made a comment to my boyfriend to the tune of "Well I guess he would be my cat then". And he pointed out that I don't HAVE to take him in as mine because I'm not responsible for EVERY cat on the planet. That thought had not occurred to me.

I want to give you a specific example. At one point, ALL of the cats came down with something. Starting with one sneezing cat, slowly every cat in my house was sneezing. Their symptoms varied in severity, some didn't seem sick at all aside from the sneezing. But one of my cats and Tyler were both VERY sick. I explained what was happening, to my roommate, and how serious this was and he told me it was "probably allergies". Sigh. My cat who was very sick (runny eyes, shortness of breath, fever, lethargy) to the vet immediately and encouraged my roommate to do the same with his. The vet gave her antibiotics and fluids but not a firm diagnosis because I refused further testing (because they wanted to charge me close to $600 and I don't know anyone on the planet who can afford that) and she recovered in almost no time. Tyler, on the other hand, continued to suffer. I tried to make him as comfortable as possible, monitored his temperature but my roommate seemed completely uncaring or unaware that there was anything wrong with him at all.

So my actual question is-- at what point is it MY fault for failing to intervene? At what point would it be okay for me to step in and do what I would do for my own cats, which would mean pouring time, money and probably my own tears of frustration trying to care for an animal that shouldn't be my responsibility. If I had a roommate that had children they were not caring for, I might even call CPS.

I could go on and on. I feel the need to over explain and clarify that I love cats. All of them. And I want Tyler to do well but my funds are already stretched thin. And like I said, Tyler and roommate will be leaving soon. But I feel so guilty for not being able to help as much as I want to and angry with my roommate for not caring for his cat like I care for mine.

Thoughts?

if i were you i would just go ahead and take him to the vet. you can explain to him if it not dealt with now, he going pay more then he would have then he just have him checked

Well Tyler is not currently ill at the moment and like I said, he'll be leaving soon.

But everyone has a limit for how many animals they are willing to and can afford to take care of. I maxed out when I took in my mom's cat after she died last summer. At some point you have to say "I have no room for any more cats in my house". I have the "room" (but just barely) but I as a single parent with so many cats already my focus is managing my own life and family.

I feel like I've done all I can for Tyler but I cant shake the guilt. If he had died would that have been my fault or my roommates? I'm so disappointed that I can't do more for Tyler.

Personally, I would talk the roommate into letting me take the cat.  However, if I were in a situation where I just couldn't (financial, space, whatever) I would try to rehome the cat, but only with someone I was truly confident with.  Maybe you can tell your roommate that he can give you the cat if he ever decides that he doesn't want him anymore, and then you can foster it and try to find it a home.  

It's technically not your responsibility at all.  Your roommate isn't directly neglecting the cat by beating it, starving it, etc.  He just doesn't pay much attention to it.  I know how much we pet lovers care about our animals, but for everyone else, pets are a luxury.  I hate, hate, hate seeing irresponsible pet owners, but we can't save the whole world.  

You're doing all that you can for a cat that isn't even yours.  You shouldn't feel guilty.  

This is bizarre timing- I just posted this recently and I think my roommate got rid of Tyler. I'm really disturbed. I can't find him. I had for the last couple days been putting Tyler in my roommate's room to see if he was REALLY the floor pooper (which I already knew the answer to). He has a litter box and food bowls in there (which Tyler doesn't have access to because his door is always closed whether he's here or not) and I would alert him when he came home from work or wherever as a heads up.

I noticed today he hasn't been around. He's not a cat that hides, he's an in-your-business kinda guy. He's always under your feet or begging for food or pets. And then later I noticed my roommates door open and he wasn't here. I had assumed when I didn't see Tyler yesterday that he was in his room. Now I'm trying to figure out when WAS the last time I saw him, but I'm thinking two days ago.

I text him "Have you seen Tyler? Could he have gotten outside?" And so far no answer. We don't talk much anymore.

My BF thinks that because I put Tyler in his room a few times that maybe roommate felt that we wouldn't keep him when he moved out (I had a feeling he might try and leave him with me) and got rid of him.

I'm heartbroken to think I could have had anything to do with this. I can't MAKE someone want to love and care for their pet but this is happening in my house and there's nothing I can do about it.

Hopefully I'm overreacting. Maybe he's just napping somewhere or slipped out the front door and will come back? Ugh. Help.

Ugh; I'm so sorry.  I think I understand how you feel; or it at least seems like how I would feel in the same situation. 

At the end of the day; some things are just out of our hands.  Hopefully Tyler is ok; perhaps even in a better home (better than with your room mate I mean).  Ruaryx is right; there are people who love their pets and then people who just like the idea of having a pet.  As much as you want to ensure Tyler has a good life; you can't put him before the needs of your own family or current crew.  You might be able to make it work; but then again it's a long commitment when you consider some cats live to their late teens and early 20s.  

I'm afraid there may be no happy answer to this.  I think if Tyler was deathly ill I'd be the most inclined to step in.  If the room mate already isn't talking to you very much; that seems like a sign he's not wanting input at all I'm afraid.  

Please keep us updated!

Thanks for the reply. I'm upset about this but not in a way anyone I know could relate to. My BF is sensitive and sympathetic, he cares for animals but doesn't QUITE understand why I keep bringing this up and why I'm sad. I feel a loss. Tyler was here and now he's not. And I know he's been rehomed so many times already, he doesn't deserve this.

I think I also feel worse because I've done so much complaining about him when my frustration was more with my roommate than with Tyler himself.

I'm so sorry your going through this. I know its hard to look at it from the outside, but this is not your fault. From what you've expressed here, you've tried several times to talk to your roommate & got nothing. If anything, I'd hope that his new owner would take better care than your roommate did. 

Sadly, unless he's outright harming the animal (starving him, beating him, etc), there's really very little you actually can do beyond what you've done.

The law forbids people from harming animals, but there is no law saying you must love them and treat them well - very minimal basic care is all that is required to satisfy the law.

And if the law is satisfied, then, also by law, you can't directly intervene - the owner has rights regarding not only his privacy, but his property (which is how the law views animals). You can talk to the person, try to help the cat a bit when alone with it, but that's about it. You can't even (legally) feed him a better diet without his permission, much less remove the cat from the situation.

Even if you could motivate him to give you the cat (buy it, for example) it sounds like this would only set up another animal to have to go through the same experience.

If you think the cat's suffering is bad, I can assure you your heart would break watching what people put their own children through and we can't do anything to stop it. I considered teaching in college - to the point education was my minor and I did some student-teaching. There were many reasons I chose not to teach and this is one of them. I would have gone insane being forced to watch as kids spirits were broken by wrecked home lives I knew in detail but was forbidden to intervene.

Everyone is selfish - but most of us learn to try and control it. We find people (or animals) we care about and place their needs above our own. Some, even without compassion, learn that in the long run it is better to put the needs of others ahead of their own at times. But some people are both foolish and cold-hearted, insuring they never learn to look out for anything but themselves. People often talk about "the price of freedom" and bring up soldiers sacrificing their lives - which is true, and they definitely should be honored and respected. But in "the land of the free" where we believe everyone is entitled act as they best see fit so long as they don't break a law, it also means watching as people mess up their lives and those around them, trying to clean up the messes they make when we can, and, sadly, at times watching helplessly.

Thanks for the kind words everyone. Sparrowhawk- you said something that might have made me rethink this. I don't think I'll ever stop worrying about Tyler if he's not around but when I look back and think about it, he lived pretty well here. Me, my daughter, my BF, we all have him attention, fed him every day and I wasn't mean over whatever issue he had going on. He had other cats to snuggle with.

I still think I may be over thinking this and that it's possible he just escaped the house, it just seems less likely. I'll have to talk to roommate eventually so we'll see.

I noticed this morning that there have been no accidents outside the litter box the last couple days. But Tyler being missing takes all the fun out of "I told you so".

I think feeling guilty is almost my natural state at any given time. I want to take care of everyone so I kind of think I've failed. But everyone's comments here mean more to me because they're coming from cat lovers who I'm sure would also try and help if they could. So thank you. I'm sure these feelings will lessen over time.

That's probably the nicest, most helpful thing anyone has ever said to me. About anything. Thank you.

Margret said:

This is a very common problem for women. We're socialized to believe that we're responsible for everything. "The love of a good woman" is supposed to be able to reform a bad man (a myth that's resulted in a heck of a lot of abusive marriages). It's essential to your own health and well-being that you fight the tendency, and the first step is forgiving yourself for not being God. The second step is laughing at the whole notion that you might have godlike powers. And somewhere along the way comes learning to distinguish between feeling and fact.

Margret

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Though the route may be different, I assure you men struggle with it as well. With men it tends to revolve around meeting expectations and demands instead of reforming another though. Men will blame themselves for not doing enough, not meeting the needs of someone he cares for and driving that person to act out (if someone traditionally viewed as a dependent - spouse or child, for example) or for failing to live up to expectations placed when addressing someone in authority (I failed my parents/company/other social group, everyone's screwed up because I couldn't be good enough!).

But in both cases, your solution is accurate. People are responsible for their own choices and the consequences those choices bring. If you want to help out of COMPASSION - that can be good, so long as you don't over-extend yourself or the person has shown no interest in change and your "help" has become simply "enabling" - but guilt should not be your motivation, especially if  you've done nothing wrong. There is actually a really good way you can discern whether or not your guilt is misplaced, and, even if guilty, is something that may be a good idea anyway. Can you honestly apologize for having caused this situation? If apologizing sounds weird, 99% of the time, it's because you have no blame for the current predicament (note - "weird" should not be interpreted as "unpleasant" - it's never fun to apologize when we screw up. By weird I mean does the apology make logical sense).

The apology test also works because in a time you may actually be at fault for something in the future, it tends to mend relationships a lot quicker than trying to fix problems out of pride. When you hurt someone, their emotional pain can be so intense they don't even want you to be a part of the solution. They would rather pick up the pieces themselves than see you scurrying around trying to do it. However, if you aplogize for the wrong you did and ask for permission to help mend the problem, it normally catches people off-guard, because now instead of trying to fix things out of a vain, self-righteous attempt to justify yourself so that you feel better about yourself and your mistake, you have humbled yourself before the person you hurt and given them the power to choose if you will be a part of the solution. Exposing yourself in humility and letting them see your pain also tends to trigger memories of their own past wrongs, and possibly times that they were denied the opportunity to set things right and the sorrow and regret they had about never getting that opportunity. By placing the power in their hands, they realize you truly are sorry, because you are placing their feelings even above your own need for comfort of redemptive work.

But when its not your fault (and in your case, this is DEFINITELY not your fault), if you tried to apologize and explain all this you would sound bizarre, because there is not possible way to construe the events to place one iota of blame on you. I just went into the "apology test" as a little fyi for your future.

Oh no. I know how you feel. I work a lot of odd jobs involving animals and one time I was employed by this crazy lady. She seemed to love her animals in theory but didn't want to take any responsibility for them. I was hired only to feed and water her horses, but ended up feeding and watering a whole host of other animals both farm and domestic because it wasn't being done and if I didn't do it no one would. It would make me sick and angry all the time not only to see how neglectful of her animals she was but also that she was taking advantage of me. I felt guilty constantly being torn between wanting to call animal control on her but needing the job desperately. She ended up skipping out of town one day (with her animals) without paying me several weeks worth of pay. >=| It was a nightmare.

Anyway, all of this to say that you did as much as you can. I understand feeling guilty but you can't control other people. It's ultimately your roommates responsibility to care for his pet not yours. I'm glad he's moving out soon so you can be at peace in the future.

Edit: I forgot to add the part  about setting boundaries. I took care of the animals two most basic needs: food and water. I still feel guilty about to be honest, but I had to set that boundary. I had two other part time jobs and a house, a husband and my own furbabies to take care of. I did not have time to clean up after her animals or exercise them when it wasn't my responsibility to do so. And I certainly couldn't afford to take them to the vet when they were sick. It's hard, but you have to think of your own life too.

These replies have far exceeded my expectations! So thoughtful and full of advice and wisdom I can apply (and relate) to many different aspects of life in general. I feel understood and that's a wonderful feeling.

I'll comment on them a little later when I have time to put together a reply.