New adopted cat woes

I think I'm posting this in the right place, if not I apologize.

First off, let me start this by saying I am a huge cat lover and have had cats most of my life. Which what makes what I'm going through right now all the worse because I feel like the world's worst person right now.

Recently my husband and I lost one of our two cats to illness. He was a huge part of our life and loosing him was devastating. Our other cat was very sad and lonely, so we decided to adopt a cat to give her and us a companion. Not to replace him of course, because no other cat would be like him in the same way.

We went to a local shelter and looked at a lot of cats. My husband wanted a cat that was going to be his buddy, but love us both and we thought we had found that cat. Her name is Felicia and she was very sweet. She curled up in his lap and mine and seemed to like us both. She was playful as well, something that I really like in a cat.

We adopted her and took her home Friday night and brought her into our computer room which we had all set up and ready for her. She was very skittish and hid right away. We left her alone and didn't force her into interaction, but just sat in the room with her and spoke calmly and softly to each other. Eventually she came out and wanted affection and acted sweet and affectionate like she had at the shelter.

The next day she was still very timid and would cringe away from both of us when we entered the room. We stayed patient with her and let her come to us if she wanted to, which she of course did because this cat loves affection. She started that day to show a preference to my husband, which was fine. That's what we had wanted.

She didn't eat until Monday and only then because she was willing to sit in my husband's lap and eat. Any other time we tried to entice her with food, all she wanted was to be petted. It seems to be the ONLY thing she ever wants. Thankfully since then she's started eating on her own and eating her fill.

Our other cat Elsa, (not named after the Frozen character, she's 10), is wary of Felicia and hisses at her, but otherwise isn't too bothered thankfully. Elsa doesn't seem very interested in getting to know her, though I know that'll come with time.

The problem is with me. Felicia only wants my husband. If he's not around she hides in the window in the computer room and only comes out to get pet after she's flinched away from me. He works during the day and I'm a stay at home wife, so I'm around her most of the time. She's completely disinterested in playing, or exploring, or anything except getting pet. She doesn't want anything to do with me it seems which hurts. But what hurts the most is I don't feel any connection to her. I don't dislike her, but I don't like her either. I hate myself for feeling that way, but I do!

I'm not sure what to do at this point. I don't want to take her back, I would feel even worse about that and I don't want to hurt my husband either. He really likes her and they are getting along great. But her coldness to me makes me feel so sad and feel the loss of our other cat all over again. I don't know if we should get another cat that will be more affectionate and a bigger personality? I don't want to overwhelm Elsa or Felicia with that though.

Does anyone have any advice?

My advice is honestly to just be patient.  It's been less than a week.  I truly believe that given time and patience the situation will improve. I know you're sad and looking for a quicker solution, but the truth is that Felicia will need time to get used to being in your home and to you.  It is great that she seems to have bonded quickly with your husband,but that doesn't mean she'll never bond with you- it just means you should give it more time and be encouraged since it's clear she's capable of bonding with someone.

I am sure others will come along with advice too

First off, I just want to say that I am so so sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved cat.

I second the recommendation to be patient - not just with her, but with yourself, too. Maybe I'm too hung up on your words at the beginning, but you said that you lost your cat recently, that he was a huge part of your lives, and that it was devastating, and that no cat could replace him. I understand that there is a lot of room in these words for different levels of feeling, but when you go on to describe how you don't feel anything for this new cat, nothing good and nothing bad, I wonder if you're not still at a point in your grief where you're not ready to bond with a new cat.

Which is okay, it's okay to feel that way. I lost a cat a year and a half ago, and after nine months, I thought I was ready for a new kitten. It turned out that I wasn't as ready as I thought, and our bonding process took longer than I was expecting it to as a result. No matter what, bringing in a new cat is going to make you remember your beloved cat. As much as you try not to, it's impossible not to compare them a little, and it's totally human and understandable to find yourself wishing for your old cat back instead.

It sounds like Felicia has formed quite a bond with your husband, which is great. It's great for your husband and for Felicia, and it also gives you some space to take things at your own pace. You're not rushing Elsa to bond with her; you understand that it's going to take time for her to adjust to Felicia. You know not to put pressure on Felicia to come out before she's ready - it sounds like you are doing things exactly right with her. Now try to be that patient and understanding with yourself. You and Felicia can coexist, and you can make sure she's cared for and treated well, and she has your husband for snuggles and security.

There's no need at all for you to rush a feeling you're not feeling yet. It will come. In the meantime, be kind to yourself about this. It hardly means you're a terrible person - you're just a person who lost someone who meant a lot to you. And it's hardly the final word on your relationship with Felicia. She's only been there a few days, and these things can take time. Let yourself feel what you feel about her now, but don't hang onto it. Feel it, acknowledge it, let it go, and see what happens next.

As everyone has mentioned above you need to give her time.  A few suggestions:

You be the one to feed her.  Food is a great motivator.  Offer her treats too.  A cat favorite for treats is Gerber stage 2 baby food in the chicken or turkey flavor.  It is a small jar with blue label.  It contains only chicken or turkey and water. No added spices.  Cats love this.  You can use it as a treat.  Offer some one a plate so you gets a taste.  Next try to have her eat it off a spoon you are holding and then move towards her licking it off your fingers. 

Play with her.  Find a toy she likes such as a laser pointer or da bird wand toy.  Toy mice or even some cat nip toys.  Make sure you are the only one in the room.  After you are done playing with her offer her a treat reward.

Try brushing her.  See if she likes to be brushed.  This might become something special between the two of you.

Just make sure you spend time with her without your husband present.  She needs to get to know you.

Also be sure you look into cat to cat introductions or you will have another problem on your hands.  I would keep the new one separate for awhile.  Has she been to the vet for a full check up?

Here are some articles on cat to cat introductions

http://www.catbehaviorassociates.com/a-simple-little-trick-to-use-during-new-cat-introductions/

http://www.aspca.org/pet-care/virtual-pet-behaviorist/cat-behavior/introducing-your-cat-new-cat

http://jacksongalaxy.com/2010/10/01/cat-to-cat-introductions/

http://www.thecatsite.com/a/introducing-cats-to-cats

Thank you for the replies! They were very helpful.

I'm happy to report that things are going much better. I tried most of your suggestions are she's a lot more affectionate and happy. She even comes and snuggles with me now too. I feel a lot better about the adoption and am already starting to love her like she deserves.

I think I was mostly getting overly worried and I think you are right also flowerdew. I wasn't as ready as I thought I was. I guess I mostly needed to hear/read that and know it was okay to feel that way.

Felicia has an appointment at the vet for a checkup on Friday. I've found she drools when she's getting pet a lot, so hopefully that isn't an issue with teeth or anything. Elsa is still hissing at her but she's okay with being nearby her, so progress?

Thank you all again for your help! It was greatly appreciated!

Thanks for the update.  Keep us posted on your progress.

Things have taken a turn for the worse.

We took Felicia to her vet appointment and thankfully everything went well there. She's healthy and has no medical issues. But ever since she's come home from the vet, she's back to her old ways with me and even with my husband some.

She tries to stay as far away from me as possible, hides, and cowers away from me whenever she sees me. I didn't harm her at all and was very gentle with her when getting her to the vet. I thought at first she was just nervous, but she is still acting the same with me.

She was doing the same with my husband that night and the next day, but she was back to loving on him by Saturday night. Though she's started cowering away from him and hiding from him too at times.

I've tried giving her treats, food, brushing, playing... everything! It worked before but now she treats me like I'm the worst person in the world.

I'm at a loss here...