I lost my cat 4 days ago

Catconcern, I took some time off but 2 days ago I read the very long post you sent me.  I can not tell you how much it meant to me.   You made a lot of sense.  I hope life is getting better for you, I think you said you adopted some new cats???  Please keep us posted and thanks again for all you said to me it really helped. 

Thanks for posting ppl. I don't know. It's 12.20 am and I'm awake and still regret my decision. My cat was my best friend as well as many other things and it annoys me like crazy that I Wasn't there for him at the end. At the very least, I could have gone back and see him a second time not leaving him scared. I had the keys in my hand about to go, I didn't because I didn't want to project anymore of my fear into him. But I should have gone. He would have known how much I loved him if I had gone back and he wouldn't have been as scared and very happy to see me. I ask myself, why on earth didn't I go? If god does exist, and he knew how much I'd suffer, why didn't he give me the power to go and see my boy? Why the hell didn't I go back?

My cat deserved at least one more chance. The operation worst case scenario. If he was suffering even an hour later. I would have out him down. At least I would have bee. Sure and I wouldn't have broke my promise not to put him down and try to fix him. My boy died with me leaving him scared and me breaking a promise to him and me abandoning him. Yes I'm repeating myself. But I'm upset. My boy is gone from this earth forever, he meant the world to me, he was closer to me than anyone in my life and most loyal and I let him down and departed on those terms. What a complete and monumental mistake on my part.

I loved him dearly. He loved me dearly. He was a once in a lifetime thing and he's gone because of me. I don't feel like crap all the time. Sometimes I do. I honestly feel my baby wasn't ready to depart this earth and I made him do so prematurely. If this is the case, I hope I die in my sleep tonight and see him in the afterlife. But only if were both happy and healthy and I die a peaceful death. But then I think of the pain it will cause my loved ones left behind. I don't know. I feel angry at a lot of things. Myself. God if he does exist. The vet. My family for recommending putting him down. No one knows my boy better than me. On the way to the vet I said to myself they're going to tell me to put him down. No matter what they say. Don't do it. Yet what did I do? My cat was visibly angry and had a wild look in his eye the last time I saw him at the way they got him put of he cage. If it was his time, I believe he would have gone peacefully and accepted it. As previously mentioned, even with a split side he was still able to jump up on the window sill.

This is just one more mess up on my part to go in tune with my life. I'm in a living hell. The most important thing to me in my life and I mess that up too. My world is one that is very messed up and full of suffering. Many things in my life are great. Many are not. My mind and life is tortured.

Bless you my baby boy. If there is a god, he sent me an angel and you were that angel.

While he was being analysed he was still awake on the operating Table. On the bets institution, we put him down. The anesthetic could kill him they said. It didn't. So why put him down. All these ifs and buts to me the vets shouldn't get put on pedal stools like they do. 100 percent fact the second shot of cortisone was my cats downfall.

My boy believed me when I said I wouldn't put him down and would try everything for him. Then he wakes up in the afterlife if there is one. And if there isn't, that's even more depressing and messed up than I could ever imagine as that means I will never, ever see him again. That's what makes this even more difficult. Once you are dead, you are dead. On this earth at least, forever. There better be a god. There better be an afterlife. Because if there isn't in my mind what is the point.

I was just saying the day before we put him down I wasn't ready to. That changed of course when his side split open and the vet instructed us too. Life is so precious though, and once you make that decision there is no going back. I didn't realise the magnitude and reality of it all and all the problems and answers it would probe afterwards. I feel I ruined 15.5 years of love and trust and messed it up at the vital time and killed my boy. I betrayed him.

I love you boy.

robinathome said:

Catconcern, I took some time off but 2 days ago I read the very long post you sent me.  I can not tell you how much it meant to me.   You made a lot of sense.  I hope life is getting better for you, I think you said you adopted some new cats???  Please keep us posted and thanks again for all you said to me it really helped. 

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No worries robin. Anytime. Yeah I got 3 kittens. I had to as just a week ago I was at a very low point in my life and need some positivity and love. I never thought I'd puty boy down robin, if I did, I at least thought id know it was the right time. I don't believe it was. I just been exercising like mad lately to make myself feel good not just for my sake but for my boy. I've still been able to have happiness, though some times to be brutally honest I just wAnt to die. I'm well aware of how much of a mental case I sound like lol.

On you, how are you going? I hope you're ok and are happy and are finding peace.

catconcern said:

While he was being analysed he was still awake on the operating Table. On the bets institution, we put him down. The anesthetic could kill him they said. It didn't. So why put him down. All these ifs and buts to me the vets shouldn't get put on pedal stools like they do. 100 percent fact the second shot of cortisone was my cats downfall.

My boy believed me when I said I wouldn't put him down and would try everything for him. Then he wakes up in the afterlife if there is one. And if there isn't, that's even more depressing and messed up than I could ever imagine as that means I will never, ever see him again. That's what makes this even more difficult. Once you are dead, you are dead. On this earth at least, forever. There better be a god. There better be an afterlife. Because if there isn't in my mind what is the point.

I was just saying the day before we put him down I wasn't ready to. That changed of course when his side split open and the vet instructed us too. Life is so precious though, and once you make that decision there is no going back. I didn't realise the magnitude and reality of it all and all the problems and answers it would probe afterwards. I feel I ruined 15.5 years of love and trust and messed it up at the vital time and killed my boy. I betrayed him.

I love you boy.

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How did you betray him? You did exactly what ALL of us would do and take him to a vet. What other choice did you have?? His side had split open - either from him gnawing at the tumors or just the tumors started to grow like crazy and bleed on their own. I think you said the vet saw multiple tumors throughout his body. Let's say he stitched him up, how long would it be before another one opened. Most likely the vet would have given him some sedative/pain killer and made him a zombie. I don't think you would want to remember him that way. But once we take our pets to a vet things kinda get out of our control. Vets take over and do stuff that we have no choice but to trust them. You made promises to him - but that was before you had the full picture and facts. Things got crazy at the vet - I'm sure not as you planned. You weren't ready for what happened. Of course looking back you can say I should have gone in to calm him. But you were there and the vets were shaking the hell out of the cage so how much would it have changed if you went back? He might have gotten more agitated because he wanted to leave. We don't know cc. It happened as it happened. What if he died that morning from profusive bleeding before you even got to the vet. All we can say is 15.5 years is a good long run these days - I think the average is 14 years from what I read. I hope you can see things in a different way. Your boy was sick, and you tried to do your best - and really it seems saved him from a lot of suffering. My cats last day she was in agony. Her cries were horrific after she had a stroke. She was like that for hours until she passed at the vet. I wish it never happened like that and we could have ended the suffering sooner than later. I still love her and miss her. We need to forgive ourselves. We do the best we can but things don't always go to plan. Peace and rest to our wonderful pets. No more suffering or agony.

I pray that you can find forgiveness for yourself in your heart. You are living with guilt for no reason and it is casting a cloud over your life. You committed no sin. A sinful person would have done nothing or even thrown the animal out to fend for themselves. Sadly, that happens all the time.

You made a great story with your boy - now it`s time to be good to yourself as he wants it.

That was a great post zone out. It brought tears to my eyes. Gees 7 weeks today and it hit home the hell I've been going through. Thoughts of suicide etc. You helped me. Again. Thank you. I'll respond to your other messages when I get some rest I've only slept 4 hours. I need some sleep. I'll be in touch.

What hurts a lot is that my boy didn't deserve to go out the way he did. He was the most loyal and devoted caring thing to me on this earth, I feel I didn't replicate that back to him when it was most needed. My boy believed me when I told him I wouldn't put him down and I'd do everything for him, and he died with me breaking that promise. He was asleep on the operating table { still alive as he was being analysed } or just before he got anesthetic, thinking and believing what I said and he'd see me again. It hurts because he'd never wake up again. It's like he was an unsuspecting victim. He didn't deserve that. Then again he was a very smart cat who had a sixth sense like many of them do he may have known that he was never going to wake up again. That hurts also, because in his last moments, I wasn't there. And he would have been scared.  Every other time I took him to the vet, I was there for him. And when they wanted me to leave him there sometimes, I never would. I would never leave him. If they wanted me to leave him there for a couple of hours or overnight, I never did. I'd never leave his side. This time I did. I also think like the other times, I could have waited. Why did I leave after dropping him off? Again I felt rushed and like I had too. But i can't blame the vets because ultimately it's my decision, fault. I know why I didn't go back although i still have immense guilt, it was because I didn't want him to feel anymore of my fear and tension leading into what we thought would be his operation which he never had. Then I go back to the cage. They scared him and shook him up when getting him out of the cage, seeing him like that shook me up and messed up what was to be my final goodbye and I couldn't comfort and console him like I normally would have. But that is also my fault. I knew their cage was crap, I knew I should have brought my own cage as he was sick and in the last weeks needed a few visits to the vet. I got the vets cage as it was close to my house and thought I needed to get one asap. I could have gone to my grandma's which was a better one but it would have taken 5-10 minutes longer to get it and I thought those minutes were better served going to the closer vet. The cage although better, was still crap also as it needed many screws and the opening interfered with it all when closing, it wasn't your conventional cage and I didnt have enough faith in my dad in handling it as I'd need his help also, I couldnt operate that cage alone as it takes 2 people.Mum wasnt home, she knew how to do it. All this crap added up.

Anyway, he died with me breaking promises to him. With me not comforting and consoling and thanking him enough. With me leaving him scared, not even being there when he got put down and dying with ******** strangers. These things kill me. The second shot of cortisone elevated his downfall super fast. Before it, he was fine. Full of life. Going outside, running, usual Mr cat that he was. So thats another mistake that we made. He was such a unique and beautiful looking boy who has a great soul and mind. Such a caring, sweet man. I just wish he could have departed on better terms with me being there properly for him. I understand we can't stay around for ever and animals don't have a long life compared to us. Just a once in a life time beautiful angel was in my life and now gone and I wish I gave someone precious the departure they deserved. He didn't deserve the ending he got. If I saw my boy being attacked by pit bulls or rottweilers what ever, I'd die protecting him and die with him by his side because that's how much we loved each other. So why on earth didn't I do a better job in an easier situation? Once you are gone you are gone. I should have taken every step necessary to ensure his well being or at least give him better final moments. At the time having him stitched up and coming home didn't enter my head which I should have done and having the op would have been too much. But the op would have been better and if he was suffering then put him down even if it wasn't long after it even if that be one hour later. At least know his time was up and I'd given him every chance of survival. He deserved that. He didn't deserve to die alone, abandoned and with broken promises. I don't think he was ready to die. That's the thing. I believe he wanted more time on this earth and I denied him of that. Looking back, I wish I thought to have him stitched up and come home and at least he's with us. Again, if he was suffering, end his suffering with euthanasia.That would have been better than death. We could have put him down anyway. Be sure. Give that extra chance.  At least I would have known his time was up and I wouldn't have abandoned him. I thought at the vet, no, we have to act now as this cancer is spreading insidiously. So I decided to have him operated on.Then on the vets advice, we put him to sleep. The vet '' given from what I can read here he doesn't like other animals and giving him medication will be a problem '' That's not a reason to give up or not give him meds. He  wasn't as bad as that. He didn't know my boy. I did. And I knew on the way to the vet they'd tell me to put him t sleep. I said to myself they'd tell me that, don't do it, no matter what they say don't do it. An idiot me once again goes against my own thoughts and beliefs and mess up another vital judgement call in my life that has led to fatal circumstances. 

I know I've wrote exactly what I've wrote before and repeat myself.But I had to say it again. Because the thoughts and feelings are still the same. Maybe not as bad as what they were. But theyre there. I think I'm still in shock and denial to some extent. Yes I know he's gone. I feel I'm the cause of it. Prematurely at least. But I think I'm still in that window, like a protective bubble if you will like no, it didn't happen. This isn't happening. Although I know it is, has. 

I was blessed with 15.5 years of my life to have a guardian angel by my side. The best thing in my life, the best loving companion and I stuff that up and ruin his last moments. Now that I wrote that, I also think, don't be so hard on myself. Not going back to see him the second time while he was still awake, was because I loved him so much I didn't want to affect him negatively in the slightest at all. I don't know. What a load of crap life can be sometimes. It's like a cruel trick was played on me wanting me to suffer. I suppose the reason why I put him down was because I didn't want him to suffer by going through with the op. He had a lot of cancer, spreading right through his rib cage. I didnt want him having that much of his body removed. The cortisone. I'm telling you right now, that crap made it spread through his body even more. That stuff shuts don the immune system and the ability to fight off disease and other sickness, even vital organs. 5 days after his second shot, that's when the rapid breathing, loss of voice/meow, hiding, lethargy, excessive sleeping started and lack of eating. Once he even meowed in pain telling me how sick he was. 

God bless my baby. I love him dearly. Such a loving, devoted kind hearted man he was. He always will be.

I love you Bruce.

Thanks for the honest view of your feelings.   I totally understand everything you said.  I agree life can have its cruel twisted moments.  Heck, I have had my share and still feeling the repercussions. Nobody is immune - no matter how rich, smart, or famous - we all go through times of hurt, loss, pain, grief, guilt.    Everyone.   The problem is we don`t always know in advance the consequences of our actions/decisions.   If we had all the info and time to think things over we would make fewer mistakes.   But sometimes we just get overwhelmed.  Stuff starts hitting the fan and we have to react fast, without the luxury of time to think about alternatives.   When I was a little kid I remember thinking we could bring things back to life.... after all I saw it happen in cartoons.   Then at some point I realized it isn`t like that - it`s hard to deal with that reality.

There is something  I dont understand.   What was the idea for the cortisone?   I hear about atheletes getting cortisone shots to relieve stiff painful joints I think.   What condition did your cat have that they thought cortisone would help?

Very wise words once more zone out. Thank you. Re the cortisone. It can shrink lumps or growth of cancer supposedly. I must admit, my boys lump on his throat which was huge did decrease significantly. But he then lost his voice, purr, meow straight away also and that's when he went down hill.

Hard thinking about my boy tonight. I miss him. Too think I'll never see him on this earth again kills me and knowing I didn't go back and see him while he was conscious. I still feel I abandoned him. 15.5 years together we had a strong bond and relationship and it ends on the note of me breaking a promise to him, leaving him scared at the vet, not going back and seeing him then going against my word and putting him down. It was the ultimate betrayal. I wish I thought of the aftermath that would follow and realise there are no second chances. I could have did the following differently

I could have had more time with him in saying goodbye ( I didn't know at the time it was goodbye but knew it could be )

I could have stayed longer and comforted him. When I said if this is the last time i see you boy thank you and I love you. He let out a scared growl. I left it at that. I could have stayed longer, patted him and comforted him more.

I could have stayed at the vets and not came home. I never, ever left him alone at the vet when I took him. Ever. I didn't have to come home after we went there. I could have stayed and checked on him moments later.

I wish I went back and saw him. I was so close to going back and seeing him after my mum went to go and see him. I had the keys in my hand and started to walk to the door. This had haunted me. I would have comforted him and would have had better final moments than the ones I had with him. I would have eased his fear . At least by going back he would have known how much I loved him and how devoted I was to him.

I could have had him stitched up and he could have had whatever time he had left at home. At least if be sure it was his time and he was home where he wanted to be. If he suffered while at home, then I would have put him down.

He could have had the op which was my intention. He was supposed to have it. Again, if he was suffering after the op, put him down. At least I would have tried everything got him and would have been sure his time was up. I don't think it was. Regardless, I broke promises and left him scared.

I should have been there when they did put my baby down. I went back and saw him while he was asleep, before they euthanized him, but wasn't there when they actually did it. I should have been.


Too many mistakes here. I deserted my boy. In all honestly the way I feel this world or at least my world is a total joke and my world in many ways is a living hell. I have many great things in my life, but so much pain. I've been through some hard times and times a lot wouldn't have been able to endure. Despite all that, I've managed to push through it and live a life. Then this happens. Yes death is inevitable, but it is the harsh circumstances and brain lapses on my part which had tortured me. If my boy died and he shouldn't have, and he feels I abandoned him, I hope I don't wake up tomorrow morning. If there is a god and heaven does exist, at least my boy is ok. If there's not and I'll never see him again, then I've condemned my boy to eternal death and it kills me. If there is no heaven, then this life is a bunch of bs. Then I have no purpose in this pathetic existence.

Amazing! I love signs. They were clear definite signs to. In honor of my cat of 14 years I began volunteering at a shelter and fostering feral kittens was the first time I felt any better, like I might make it. I am so relieved to hear you have taken steps to move out of grief and into some light. Channel all the love you felt for your soulmate cat into your kittens and you will all be blessed.

catconcern... I think we all probably have "something" we feel badly about...or guilty about, but the fact is.... you set out what your goal was...to give your furbaby the bestest life full of love, and you did that. Cat's have an instinct in them I feel, when it's time for them to go. One experience at the end...may bother you....because you are focused on it along with how devasting it is to lose our pets, but the lifetime of love and support you gave your baby is where your thoughts should be. I really believe cats are a different breed when it comes to the end... I feel they disconnect and are in their own lil world and wanna "get er done". With no more pain. You are being WAY too hard on yourself. You kitty knows you for the love you have given it.... not anything that happened in it's last days. You owe your kitty to think of the things that make you smile..the special times [emoji]128522[/emoji] You can do that. I know you can. We all have suffered a very hard loss but my promise to Minnie was what I wrote on the picture of me and her that last day....and I encourage you to make the same promise to your furbaby. "

MnM...wow you said it all.  I am actually crying.  I lost Franny July 22 2014.  I went thru many things Catconcern did with guilt because it all happened so/too fast.  I rescued my brother and sis cat 12 years ago.  I always said if I had not they would have been put down.  Franny had a great life here with me.  In the end I tried like hell to save her...but it did not work.  I miss her like hell....BUT...the bottom line is this cat had a life because I chose her and her brother.  And in the end she did disconnect and got ready to move on.  Our time together should have been longer but what if it had never happened. How sad. Catconcern MnM is totally right you are way to hard on yourself.   DEATH IS NOT PERFECT.   We see it every day..even in the news.  We give our kitties all the best we can and sometimes we fail.  But for all those years the love we shared is as perfect as it gets. 

Thanks for the replies ppl. I really appreciate it and it's helping me a lot as ATM I'm on a little vacation. The replies came At. Time I needed them. I'll respond to each individual post in the next day or so. What has been bothering me the last couple of days is my boys actions the day he was put down.

Putting that morning
Racing out his door
Rubbing himself on me
Wanting to go outside
Grooming himself
Jumped on windowsill
Off it in fear when I started crying uncontrollably
Scared at vet
Angry at vet after they looked at him

Despite his gaping wound from the list above he did those things listed from grooming himself onwards. I feel he wasn't ready to go. He had more time and I ended his life prematurely. Like I basically murdered him or denied him time against his will. I know I'm repeating myself but these things haunt me.

Once again thanks for the replies and I'll quote each on of the recent posts here they mean a lot and are very touching. They came at a time I most needed them. You are some very wonderful people and it's good to know people like you all still exist in this world.

Talk soon.

The boys of summer song just came on. Reminded me of Bruce straight away and thinking of him walking in nonchalance in the vacant block behind me coming to me after I called him on a beautiful day. He did that a lot. Walked in nonchalance and lazily and always listened to me.

"I can tell you my love for you will still be strong, after the boys of summer have gone "

" Don't look back you can never look back "

Maybe I should listen to that last quote

Sad and teary while sitting in a bar watching American football haha. Yet at the same time, still feeling happy and content. You guys understand, the other part of us where out babies and lost ones lie and always will remain. I guess in time the wounds will heal, or at least lessen. I still feel what happened shouldn't have, or at least the manner in which it did for various reasons and timing of it all. I could have prevented so much.

no...circumstance and life itself caused the end...not you. YOU must turn your thinking around. If you would have allowed that vet to stitch him up ...just so he could come home...or just so you could be with him.... THAT is where you should have felt guilty. Stop and think what you would want out of your own life if you were ill for some time.... and then your body was simply giving up...and you could PEACEFULLY go during your sleep but oops... no we want you to fight longer and prolong your sickness.. man..you did the most UNSELFISH thing possible and I GUARANTEE the spirit of your lil guy was soooo ready to release itself out of that agony of a shell he was in... and I pray, I really do...that you have a confirmation through a dream, or a sensation...whatever...because you deserve the peace you allowed him to have.

 Sad and teary while sitting in a bar watching American football haha.

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I`m a Jets fan...I`ve been sad for 45 years - last time they won a championship.

One more time...MnM...you are so right.  My sister was given 6 months to live and she lived for over 3 years.  But in the end...when I took her to the hospital I had no idea they were going to tell me you sister has 24hours to live.  REALLY....My family flew in and we sat for 9 days while she fought it out in an induced coma.  But her body did give up...her spirit was fighting it.  But our bodies do give up and in the end...while no one was in the room about 1 hour after she passed...I got up on her bed and I looked down on her face....and for the first time in 9 days...I saw a smile.  I was shocked.  She was finally at peace.  AS said there is no perfect death.  My sister agonized for 9 days in a coma.  AND then when she was at peace.   DEATH IS RARELY PERFECT!

whew.... that gave me goosebumps... thank you for sharing that.