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Agggghhh! I get so frustrated!!

post #1 of 20
Thread Starter 
It's the same ole crap here and I'm really getting tired of it. Most of you know my husband decided to leave and go live with his friends a while back. Well he still wants all the benefits of marriage and it's pissing me off. At the same time, I really care for him.

Tonight Rashid just knocked on my door. I had already locked the door, turned the computer off and was under the covers ready for sleep. So I open the door and he comes in, goes to the refrigerator for juice and then follows me to my bedroom.

After years, he still doesn't get it that I go to bed at 10:00 PM and that's that! I get up early and go to bed early. He stays up all night and sleeps in late.

When he comes over late like this I just feel like I'm an afterthought. YOu know.... he goes to the mosque then goes to play with his friends at the gym, then decides he's going to stop by his wifes house. This just rubs me the wrong way.

I've tried to explain to him that I'm not a last minute person or a late night person but he doesn't understand why I can't be like him. Not to mention I think it's rude to just drop in on someone at that time of night. Am I all wet here?

I guess I just feel like we're not living like husband and wife so it pisses me off when he tries to pull stuff like this. Then he leaves with his bottom lip hanging to the floor, leaving me feeling guilty. For what?? UUuugghh!! I don't even know if this makes sense but I had to get it out. Now I have to turn off the PC again and get in bed because I took a pill and I'm getting very sleeeeeeeeeeepy
post #2 of 20
I don't think your all wet at all. It's a matter of respect. To me, he seems like he's not showing any respect to your feelings.

You have told him that you go to bed early, and he should respect that, and either come over during the day or before Mosque. It would also be really nice, if he'd call you and make sure you're up to having him come over. I mean what if you're sick, or what if you have company.
post #3 of 20
Ditto to what Hope said
post #4 of 20
Sheesh! Next time, don't open the door!
post #5 of 20
I agree with yayi. It's just not worth it, especially when you know what he wants.
post #6 of 20
Tammie, explain to him why it pisses you off, ie that you're not living like husband and wife so he can't take the liberties he is now.

What's wrong with the day time? Why can't he come before he goes to the mosque? A phone call before hand would be good also. Aadmit i'm an early night person too,so i understand why you'd get annoyed with it. And some late-nighters just don't seem to get it.

Good luck!
post #7 of 20
That is so wrong and unfair. I actually had an ex like that Needless to say.... he is an ex for a reason.
post #8 of 20
If he's moved out and living with friends, he doesn't live with you anymore. IMO, that means he only has the right to come over when it's OK with you. I agree with others here - let him know there are hours when he can visit, and don't answer if he comes later. Although since I don't know either of you, I don't know if that would cause huge fights, scenes, etc if you just didn't open the door, so maybe that's not an option.

Is this maybe a control thing? I would assume as your husband he would know the hours you keep, and maybe coming later is just his way of showing that he can still do whatever he wants as far as you're concerned, even if he's moved out.
post #9 of 20
SIGH...how frustrating...if i were you, i wouldn't be putting up with that kind of treatment. like being his wife only makes you good for one thing.
post #10 of 20
Quote:
Originally posted by HopeHacker
I don't think your all wet at all. It's a matter of respect. To me, he seems like he's not showing any respect to your feelings.

You have told him that you go to bed early, and he should respect that, and either come over during the day or before Mosque. It would also be really nice, if he'd call you and make sure you're up to having him come over. I mean what if you're sick, or what if you have company.
Ditto, He is not showing you any respect
post #11 of 20
mzjazz , in my eyes this is not a marriage to me . I don't know if you have talked about the rules when he left you and what the hole meaning is for the leaving . But for sure a talk is in order between you and him . I would clearly tell him from now on he has to call you if it is ok to come over for a visit . It looks to me he is using you to his benefits .In one hand he is wanting the marriage to keep you warm for him and in the other hand he is doing what he wants to .You need to get some leagal atvise from a lawer (sp)to see what your rights are .The first visit is usualy free . There is no need to feel guildy at all sending him away . Please don't open the door anymore in the night , just ignore it and go to sleep . He will get it in time . BTW , he was the one leaving you and not you him .
post #12 of 20
He needs to start showing you the respect you deserve. You have nothing to feel guilty about! Just tell him that from now on, you will not open the door after 10 pm.
post #13 of 20
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally posted by adymarie
He needs to start showing you the respect you deserve. You have nothing to feel guilty about! Just tell him that from now on, you will not open the door after 10 pm.
I've tried this. If I don't answer the door he'll keep ringing the doorbell until I answer. Then he wonders why I'm not happy to see him.

I'm really re-thinking what I want. I'm not sure I want a marriage anymore.... with any man!
post #14 of 20
Quote:
Originally posted by mzjazz2u
I've tried this. If I don't answer the door he'll keep ringing the doorbell until I answer. Then he wonders why I'm not happy to see him.

I'm really re-thinking what I want. I'm not sure I want a marriage anymore.... with any man!
IMO It is time to serve him some papers, both divorce and restraining order. If you are happier without him around and it sounds to me like you are then he needs to hit the road. I know when I told my ex to hit the road I was scared to be own my own. I since found out who I was and what I am. You can do this too!

Of course this is a decision that only you can make, but we all will support you in your decision
post #15 of 20
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally posted by blondiecat
IMO It is time to serve him some papers, both divorce and restraining order. If you are happier without him around and it sounds to me like you are then he needs to hit the road. I know when I told my ex to hit the road I was scared to be own my own. I since found out who I was and what I am. You can do this too!

Of course this is a decision that only you can make, but we all will support you in your decision
I'm not scared of him at all. If I told him it's over, he would stay away. I just haven't done it up to this point. I wasn't ready to do something so final. Before I married him I was a single mom for 17 years and was at a point where I was happy with my life the way it was. I was happy with him because we both still kept our independence and it doesn't bother him at all. When he left I was actually totally shocked. I didn't expect it at all. There are a lot of issues... 98% of them are his own personal issues with his past life in Iraq and Saudi. (Post traumatic stress)

I'm getting close to making a decission.
post #16 of 20
Persian Princess:

I'm a guy, and that is just downright disrespect. He's treating you as a convenient possession, and couldn't care less for your feelings.

I don't know why you put up with it, just don't let him in. He doesn't deserve it.

I hope you can find the strength to stand up to him, you definitely deserve better. I hope this guy doesn't become violent.

I dont remember how many women friends I've had over the years that put up with the "bad boys". Don't gravitate to his habits, build your life and find a guy who will treat you with the respect and love you deserve.

Go for it girl!!!


Clyde
post #17 of 20
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally posted by Clyde
Persian Princess:

I'm a guy, and that is just downright disrespect. He's treating you as a convenient possession, and couldn't care less for your feelings.

I don't know why you put up with it, just don't let him in. He doesn't deserve it.

I hope you can find the strength to stand up to him, you definitely deserve better. I hope this guy doesn't become violent.

I dont remember how many women friends I've had over the years that put up with the "bad boys". Don't gravitate to his habits, build your life and find a guy who will treat you with the respect and love you deserve.

Go for it girl!!!


Clyde
Thanks for the support! He really would NEVER get violent with me. He's really a very gentle man. I'm not worried about that at all. Part of this is my fault for putting up with it. So I need to make the choice and make my stand! The thing is, I really enjoy doing things with him once in awhile and like talking to him. But not late at night only and I'm not really wanting a marriage anymore; (not that I have had one for the last 5 months anyway!)
post #18 of 20
Just remember - we are here anytime you need to vent!
post #19 of 20
Tammie, can i just say something?

I don't know the full story on the relationship and the happenings between you and your husband.

However, i do know that ALOT of Iraqi's i know have been affected by the goings on in Iraq, my mother is extremely depressed due to the situation there. I'm sure you can understand how worrying and frustrating it is to watch the news and be able to do absolutely nothing about it at all. The problems there have affected Iraqi people here in varying degrees.

All i'm saying is, yes it's easy to say he's direspectful and all the rest. And i'm not saying what he's doing is right,, and i know this is no excuse, just, to see things from another view point. Like you said maybe he's depressed? has PTSD?

Anyway, i wish you luck
post #20 of 20
If you don't want him in your house after 10 pm don't answer the door. If he keeps knocking call the law and have him escorted away.
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