Childless by choice/Childfree

parsleysage · Dec 29, 2013

Is anyone else here childless by choice? (Or, if you don't mind sharing, childless not by choice?)

I ask because I've noticed a higher percentage of people who have cats choose not to have children. (This could just be because of the company I keep on the internet, though!

) Neither my boyfriend nor I want children, though he's 100% sure and I'm only 95% sure.

We consider the cats our kids and we like that they are "kids lite" - yes, they are costly to care for and have some of the same risks/downsides of kids (poop and breaking things being the big two), but we can also leave them in the house for 24-36 hours, maybe 48 in a pinch, with no supervision, or lock our door for a few hours or at night and totally ignore them if needed.

I also like that I can swear at them when they tick me off without worrying about little pitchers and big ears

Plus, cats bring many of the same joys as children - laughter and playfulness and comfort. And they're furry!

All in all, we don't want kids for a number of reasons, but we consider cats a pretty good substitute. Anyone else agree?

chasetheblue · Dec 29, 2013

Agree. I'm 95% sure I don't want children and have felt that way my entire life.

peaches08 · Dec 29, 2013

I've always been 100% sure that I did not want children. I also have a medical condition that may be genetic (SLE, a form of lupus) and I feel it's completely irresponsible for me to have children, but that isn't the real reason for me not wanting children. I simply never wanted kids. I'd rather have my cats. They're cheaper.

awaiting abyss · Dec 29, 2013

I'm 99.99999% sure I don't want children. This is by choice.

All of my animals are my family. I love them like I would love a child. I don't think of them AS my children, but rather as a packmate or clanmate. In other words, they are my family. I would do anything to protect them and I care for them dearly even if we aren't related we are in the same clan.

Some spend less time as part of the family, but they are not at all less important than the ones with longer lives with us.

On another note along this topic- My husband and I recently got married, and its unbelievable how many people ask questions like: when are you going to start having kids? how many kids are you having? etc and say things like: "you'll see when you have your own kids." And when we say, "we're not having kids," we always get the response, "yes you will. You'll change your mind." Its so annoying. :/

betsygee · Dec 29, 2013

ChaseTheBLUE said:
Agree. I'm 95% sure I don't want children and have felt that way my entire life.

I have also noticed that a lot of people who have cats do not have children. But agreed--it may be the company I keep. LOL

I was 95% sure I didn't want children when I was still in my teens! I didn't really plan for cats to be a 'substitute'--in fact, I didn't get a cat until I was in my early 30s. But when I did, she became what I tell people was my 'only child'.

Willowy · Dec 29, 2013

I know I don't want to get married, so no bio-kids. I always kind of had it in my mind that I might adopt a kid someday, but honestly I don't think it'll ever happen. I'm scared to be responsible for how the next generation of people turn out

. At least with pets I won't mess up the world if I don't raise them right :lol3:.

bluebird gal · Dec 29, 2013

I wasn't childless by choice, per se, but once I found out it was absolutely (all the testing & fertility shots later) genetically not in the cards for me, I was totally OK with that much sooner than most family/friends stopped mourning for me. LOL

I didn't find all that out until I was 27, about a year into my first marriage. I believe everything happens for a reason, and foregoing a discussion on ex-husbands, I truly believe, and could not be happier, that I could not have children with that man. ROFL.

My only guilt arose from the fact that I had such a wonderful relationship with my parents my whole life, that I felt - even moreso as an only child - that I let them down. They would have been just awesome grandparents.

But all in all, I don't feel that I've missed anything by not being a parent.

betsygee · Dec 29, 2013

Bluebird Gal said:
I wasn't childless by choice, per se, but once I found out it was absolutely (all the testing & fertility shots later) genetically not in the cards for me, I was totally OK with that much sooner than most family/friends stopped mourning for me. LOL

I didn't find all that out until I was 27, about a year into my first marriage. I believe everything happens for a reason, and foregoing a discussion on ex-husbands, I truly believe, and could not be happier, that I could not have children with that man. ROFL.

My only guilt arose from the fact that I had such a wonderful relationship with my parents my whole life, that I felt - even moreso as an only child - that I let them down. They would have been just awesome grandparents.

But all in all, I don't feel that I've missed anything by not being a parent.

I hear you re the parents. I know my dad was disappointed. He died without biological grandchildren. But you know, DNA isn't everything. You create your own tribe. There are young people in my life I call 'niece', 'nephew', even 'grandson' who are not related by blood but are my family nonetheless. Sometimes the people you bond with along life's path are better family than you could ever have planned.

MoochNNoodles · Dec 29, 2013

Awaiting Abyss said:
On another note along this topic- My husband and I recently got married, and its unbelievable how many people ask questions like: when are you going to start having kids? how many kids are you having? etc and say things like: "you'll see when you have your own kids." And when we say, "we're not having kids," we always get the response, "yes you will. You'll change your mind." Its so annoying. :/

DH and I got this a lot as newlyweds. We got married fairly young; just a few months before I turned 21 and he 23. I was still in college. I learned to be firm and people dropped it. We (obviously) wanted kids; but not yet. We were married 6 1/2 years before our first was born. It was a nice season in our life. Now we are on to another one. We used that time to build our marriage, pay off debts, buy a house., etc. Now we are in a different season; one with it's own challenges but joys too.

Now my rant is not about people bugging us about having kids; it's about people judging other people's parenting. Especially those without kids.

Like I said; new season. This one will pass for us too and my attitude is like it was before we had kids; enjoy what we can about where we are now.

And whether or not you change your mind; it's no ones business but your own.

betsygee said:
I hear you re the parents. I know my dad was disappointed. He died without biological grandchildren. But you know, DNA isn't everything. You create your own tribe. There are young people in my life I call 'niece', 'nephew', even 'grandson' who are not related by blood but are my family nonetheless. Sometimes the people you bond with along life's path are better family than you could ever have planned.

My kids have become that to a few people. I had that kind of relationship with some growing up and it's great! I'm a military brat via my Step-dad and many people in our church are military transplants as well. They've really become an extended family. We've shared holidays and things; they are there for us when we need people. But one thing they've shared is life history and experiences I'd never learn from my own family. My cousin and her husband have decided to remain childless (they have dogs instead of cats) but they love my kids. My Aunt spoils my kids like they are her own grand-babies. When I find myself missing my blood family; I have to stop and remind myself how much these "family by choice" people mean to me!

natalie_ca · Dec 29, 2013

parsleysage said:
Is anyone else here childless by choice?

I am. I've known from a pretty young age that I didn't want any kids. When most little girls were playing with dolls and pretending to be Mommy and baby, I always said that I was babysitting my dolls.

When I was 17 I went to my family doctor and asked to have my tubes tied. He refused because of my age, stating that I might change my mind. I never did. Back when I was in my late 20's I found out that I had Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, which meant that it would be extremely difficult to have children and that I would likely need to take fertility drugs if I ever wanted to get pregnant. While some women would have been devastated by this news, I was practically leaping around the doctor's office! LOL

I don't have patience for children and don't really like being around them for any length of time. Plus I'm selfish with my time. I enjoy "me" time and never wanted the responsibility of raising kids because they just took up too much time and attention.

I don't regret my choice. I have 3 cats and I do consider them my fur kids. But I don't consider them a replacement for the family I never had. They are just an addition to my life that make me happy.

parsleysage · Dec 29, 2013

Natalie_ca said:
Back when I was in my late 20's I found out that I had Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, which meant that it would be extremely difficult to have children and that I would likely need to take fertility drugs if I ever wanted to get pregnant. While some women would have been devastated by this news, I was practically leaping around the doctor's office! LOL

I too have PCOS

That combined with my IUD makes me feel pretty safe that I won't ever encounter an accidental pregnancy. Fingers crossed!

goholistic · Dec 30, 2013

parsleysage said:
Is anyone else here childless by choice?

Yes. I never had that "I want to have kids" mindset that all my [girl]friends have. I never had that motherly desire for human children. In fact, I can't ever understand it. I guess I was wired differently, or maybe I should have been a male.

Don't get me wrong...I have a niece and a nephew (my sister's children) whom I love dearly, but seeing them on a part-time basis is perfectly fine with me. They are a handful! I'm glad she had kids to fill the grandchildren void for our parents.

On top of that, I, too, have a medical condition that would make pregnancy very difficult, if not life-threatening, for both me and the child.

Plus, I feel like I shouldn't contribute to the already over-populated world. I promised myself that if I should ever change my mind, that I would adopt or do something to give existing children a chance at a better life.

I need a low-stress, quiet life...which is opposite of having children.

My boyfriend/significant other of 8 years has three adult children already.

The list goes on and on...seems like having cats fits the bill!

jcat · Dec 30, 2013

We're childless, but not by choice. It's just something we've learned to accept over time. Being childless has had no influence on our having pets, though. I grew up in a household full of pets of all kinds, and one of the first things my husband and I discussed when we got engaged was my unwillingness to live without pets. He had never had one and I had several, so that was something that had to be clarified in advance. Having them has helped to deal with being childless, as it has with many of life's vagaries. He's turned into a real pet lover, too.

kimkats000 · Dec 30, 2013

My third date question was always "When you grow up do you want to have kids?" No matter what they answered we would have a good talk about it. IF they were firm on the wanting kids I did not continue the relationship unless it was just as friends. My now husbands answer was "I am never growing let alone having kids!" That was MANY years ago!

We used to get the when are you having kids question all of the time. I just looked them in the eye and said never without smiling or looking away. If you are firm and straight forward about it most people back down and do not ask again. Some would want to discuss it with me. With them I would list all the reasons AND offer to let them raise any child we had!

Once I talked a doctor into tying my tubes my life was wonderful! I could then just shake my head and tell them "I can't have kids". I just did not tell them if was by my own doing LOL.

See I am a Kindergarten teacher so get all the kids I could ever want all day long! It is SO nice to come home to the cats/dogs/husband that can/will take care of themselves if needed.

Kim

bluebird gal · Dec 30, 2013

betsygee said:
Bluebird Gal said:

I wasn't childless by choice, per se, but once I found out it was absolutely (all the testing & fertility shots later) genetically not in the cards for me, I was totally OK with that much sooner than most family/friends stopped mourning for me. LOL

I didn't find all that out until I was 27, about a year into my first marriage. I believe everything happens for a reason, and foregoing a discussion on ex-husbands, I truly believe, and could not be happier, that I could not have children with that man. ROFL.

My only guilt arose from the fact that I had such a wonderful relationship with my parents my whole life, that I felt - even moreso as an only child - that I let them down. They would have been just awesome grandparents.

But all in all, I don't feel that I've missed anything by not being a parent.

Click to expand...

I hear you re the parents. I know my dad was disappointed. He died without biological grandchildren. But you know, DNA isn't everything. You create your own tribe. There are young people in my life I call 'niece', 'nephew', even 'grandson' who are not related by blood but are my family nonetheless. Sometimes the people you bond with along life's path are better family than you could ever have planned.

Very true on the people you bond with in life. My husband had 2 grown boys who are awesome kids, 2 beautiful daughter-in-laws, and now we are anxiously awaiting the birth of our 3rd grand daughter any day now. And the countless friends we have made in all our traveling now - much more kindred, gypsy spirits. Funny that we were never that close to any neighbors living in a traditional home.

Winchester · Dec 30, 2013

This is not going to sound very good, but it's how I feel.

Had I had a choice, I would have not had children. I don't think (but I don't know) that I would have ever gotten married....or maybe wouldn't have gotten married at 16. I do know that Rick would have liked more children; I did not and I was very adamant about that. I don't really like kids all that much, especially really young kids and babies. Once they're older and I can actually talk to them and carry on a conversation and do things with them, I'm much better.

I love my son, I dearly love my son. But I had him so young that it was almost like a kid having a kid. And I think sometimes that we grew up together. While most children were complaining about their parents complaining about the type of music they were listening to, my son's complaint was that every time he'd go for a favorite cassette, his mother had it. And when he became a teenager, he looked older than he was and I looked considerably younger than I was. So when we were out shopping together, people thought we were a couple. That was just weird in so many ways and it gave us both the creeps. (I remember we were shopping one day and I stopped at the post office. When I got out of the car, a couple guys whistled at me. I ignored them, but when I got back to the car, he was a little appalled. "You're my mother!" Why are they whistling at my mother???" And then right after we built our house, we had bought a ton of evergreen trees and were trying to get them planted. DS and I ran down to the local store for a bit of lunch and the guy there was a very chatty old man. He asked us what we were doing that day and we said that we were planting trees. That they were young trees, but they would grow. And I remember he said, "Well, you two have your whole lives ahead of you and you'll live to see those trees grow!" And DS said, "Wait, a minute.....She's my mom!") Figure that when he turned 16, I was only 32. His friends had parents who were considerably older than that. So we had a lot of issues, just trying to get along sometimes. It was hard because I was really young, too.

I always thought that I was too selfish for children. I had to give up a lot when our son was born and that has always bothered me. And I'm not talking about materialistic things. I had our son at 16, so I was trying to be a mother to an infant son, a wife, and a student....because there was no way that I was not going to graduate from school. No way. The equator would have frozen over before I would drop out; it's the way it was. And I wonder what my life would have been like had I not gotten pregnant so young. I really wanted to go to college and I did eventually and graduated with a Bachelor's in Geography (and that's how I got my present job). But I think that had I been a younger college student, I would have continued my education, gone on for my Masters and eventually, my Doctorate. I loved college, even as a nontraditional student.

As much as I dearly love my grandchildren, I am not really the grandmotherly type. I don't live for my grandchildren; my grandchildren are not my reason for being. Sorry, but that's the way it is. I love to visit with them, I love it when they visit with us. But I'm always glad when they leave, too. I have a GF whose every other word is about this grandchild or that grandchild and, to be honest, I'm kind of dismayed by that. Why? Because it's like she has no life other than those grandchildren. None. She does very little that doesn't involve her grandkids. And, although that's fine for her, that would kill me. I think that Rick would visit with the grandchildren every single weekend if he could. And often he'll go down for the day to spend time with them. And I'll stay at home. I'm content with that. Like I said, I'm too selfish for children. I enjoy spending time with them. But not every weekend of my life. It's hard to explain.

luvmyparker · Dec 30, 2013

I do sometimes briefly think about having a child but honestly, I never really wanted any. I love my 5 year old niece to bits and enjoy every second I am around her but I can't really see myself giving birth and then raising a child.

I've been called selfish and told that I am suppose to have kids, which does make me feel guilty but really, I am not not in a position financially or mentally to bring someone into this world. It wouldn't be fair to the child if I couldn't bring them up in a safe and stable environment. Not only that, I am battling an eating disorder and if I am unable to nourish myself properly, there is no way I could nourish a baby. If something happened to it because of my issues, I'd never forgive myself.

Animals are my "children". Most likely, that is how it will remain.

betsygee · Dec 30, 2013

Winchester said:
This is not going to sound very good, but it's how I feel.

Had I had a choice, I would have not had children. I don't think (but I don't know) that I would have ever gotten married....or maybe wouldn't have gotten married at 16. I do know that Rick would have liked more children; I did not and I was very adamant about that. I don't really like kids all that much, especially really young kids and babies. Once they're older and I can actually talk to them and carry on a conversation and do things with them, I'm much better.

I love my son, I dearly love my son. But I had him so young that it was almost like a kid having a kid. And I think sometimes that we grew up together. While most children were complaining about their parents complaining about the type of music they were listening to, my son's complaint was that every time he'd go for a favorite cassette, his mother had it. And when he became a teenager, he looked older than he was and I looked considerably younger than I was. So when we were out shopping together, people thought we were a couple. That was just weird in so many ways and it gave us both the creeps. (I remember we were shopping one day and I stopped at the post office. When I got out of the car, a couple guys whistled at me. I ignored them, but when I got back to the car, he was a little appalled. "You're my mother!" Why are they whistling at my mother???" And then right after we built our house, we had bought a ton of evergreen trees and were trying to get them planted. DS and I ran down to the local store for a bit of lunch and the guy there was a very chatty old man. He asked us what we were doing that day and we said that we were planting trees. That they were young trees, but they would grow. And I remember he said, "Well, you two have your whole lives ahead of you and you'll live to see those trees grow!" And DS said, "Wait, a minute.....She's my mom!") Figure that when he turned 16, I was only 32. His friends had parents who were considerably older than that. So we had a lot of issues, just trying to get along sometimes. It was hard because I was really young, too.

I always thought that I was too selfish for children. I had to give up a lot when our son was born and that has always bothered me. And I'm not talking about materialistic things. I had our son at 16, so I was trying to be a mother to an infant son, a wife, and a student....because there was no way that I was not going to graduate from school. No way. The equator would have frozen over before I would drop out; it's the way it was. And I wonder what my life would have been like had I not gotten pregnant so young. I really wanted to go to college and I did eventually and graduated with a Bachelor's in Geography (and that's how I got my present job). But I think that had I been a younger college student, I would have continued my education, gone on for my Masters and eventually, my Doctorate. I loved college, even as a nontraditional student.

As much as I dearly love my grandchildren, I am not really the grandmotherly type. I don't live for my grandchildren; my grandchildren are not my reason for being. Sorry, but that's the way it is. I love to visit with them, I love it when they visit with us. But I'm always glad when they leave, too. I have a GF whose every other word is about this grandchild or that grandchild and, to be honest, I'm kind of dismayed by that. Why? Because it's like she has no life other than those grandchildren. None. She does very little that doesn't involve her grandkids. And, although that's fine for her, that would kill me. I think that Rick would visit with the grandchildren every single weekend if he could. And often he'll go down for the day to spend time with them. And I'll stay at home. I'm content with that. Like I said, I'm too selfish for children. I enjoy spending time with them. But not every weekend of my life. It's hard to explain.

Oh boy. I'll bet a lot of women feel the way you do, if they were honest about it. My mom always says she would not have had kids had there been a choice 'back in her day'. It was just such a societal expectation, no one even questioned it. Sounds like you still have accomplished an awful lot that you wanted to do.

parsleysage · Dec 30, 2013

Winchester said:
This is not going to sound very good, but it's how I feel.

Hugs, Pam!! You might be surprised to know that a lot - A LOT - of women feel the same as you do. Being childless by choice (what I call childfree), I read a lot of media on the topic and there are always a lot of anonymous articles and comments about women wishing their life could have gone a different route or feel completely overwhelmed by the drudgery of child-rearing, which especially in the early years outweighs many of the joys.

My mom had kids as a late teenager, right after graduating high school (my older brothers) and the other day I was reading her "senior book" which is the little memory book that you can order as a senior in high school. In the memory book she talked about wanting to move to Maryland and become a nurse, or all these other things, and I had no idea she even was interested in nursing! (She's a computer programmer now, a career she got into starting in about 1998 - graduated high school in early 80's.) I don't know how my mom feels about it, if she's sad or happy (or both - it is possible to be both) but I'm sure at times she has looked back and wondered how things would be different if she had a different choice.

It's one of the reasons I am so passionate about birth control and think that IUDs should be offered as the first choice of birth control for teenage girls - no pressures from boys not to use condoms, no remembering to take a pill. Very high effective rate and almost no possibilities for user error. That way, girls have a choice about whether or not to get pregnant.

peaches08 · Dec 30, 2013

parsleysage said:
It's one of the reasons I am so passionate about birth control and think that IUDs should be offered as the first choice of birth control for teenage girls - no pressures from boys not to use condoms, no remembering to take a pill. Very high effective rate and almost no possibilities for user error. That way, girls have a choice about whether or not to get pregnant.

I am also a women's rights advocate and feel that birth control is the best thing since sliced bread. However, due to the "I'm on birth control" mindset, STDs rates are climbing. Most specifically HPV and HSV. I understand what you're getting at though, in that so many women are afraid of the weight gain possible due to Depo Provera yet they can't remember to take daily BC. IUD's are usually reserved for women that have already had children, but it certainly isn't unheard of for child free women to get them as well.

Childless by choice/Childfree

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Just what part of meow don't you understand.

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Just what part of meow don't you understand.

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Mo(w)gli's can opener

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In the kitchen with my cookies

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Just what part of meow don't you understand.

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