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Marriage...How Soon Is Too Soon?

post #1 of 41
Thread Starter 
I just love all these interesting topics lately.

OK, if two people meet and fall in love and within a month they get married, is that too soon?

I think it is. And just like my comment in the kids thread, I think it should be required that 2 people date and/or live together for at least 2-3 years first so that they can see each other with the walls down. In fact, of my friends, the best marriages are the ones where they dated and/or lived together for 4-5 years.

You all know how it is. When you first meet someone you have your best foot forward. It takes some real time and effort before you truly get to REALLY know the person your with. Even if you love each other, it may not be enough.

So, how soon is too soon in your opinion?
post #2 of 41
Anything under a year is too soon in my opinion. I agree that it takes a good long while to see if you can put up with everything.

I'll say that a lot of women pressure way too quickly on this issue. I've heard of some who demand a ring in a set amount of time.

The whole marriage issue has me baffled anymore. I see sooo many people in bad marriages or getting married just because they think it's the next thing to do, like college after high school. Women are the guilty party here often. They get so consumed with having "the wedding" that it's the focus of their lives.

I am now going to dig out a little deeper section of the foxhole over here for myself.

(Where the heck is Blue in all of this? She's the only who started this ball rolling!)
post #3 of 41
Hmm good topic!

Honestly... anything under 2 years is iffy. This is of course.. strictly my opinion. I never understood what the rush to get married was anyway. I mean.. most people date exclusively for a year. After a year or maybe a little longer.. some people decide to live together. I think this is great! Living together before getting married is definitely something I think most couples should do. Everyone has little idiosyncrasies and some of them you might not see until you live together. Living together is like the ultimate test.. if you can live together for a year.. and still love eachother and not constantly get on each others nerves. Then.. I think considering marriage should be open to you.

Why rush to get married? Whats the difference between being married and living together and just living together. If you are in a relationship and living together... the only difference with being married and living together is how much the wedding cost you, the jewelry, and the fact that your relationship is written down on paper. All these are in my opinion not that important. Yes, it will be nice to get married and have children one day. I do not see the need to rush it.

If its rushed... well then.. you've wasted time and money... not only on the marriage that didn't last.. but the divorce you are going through and possibly alamoni (sp?).

These are my opinions.

post #4 of 41
There's a whoooole lot of people being very quiet out there. Or as they used to say in the old movies..it's tooooo quiet.

Geez..you don't think this means that everone but us has a life on saturday night??

Uhhhh,Deb.....I hate to tell you this but that corner you're digging in is the ...ummm...potty.
post #5 of 41
Thread Starter 
Ya know, I may be moving to the Bay area early next yr....Hmmmmm....I might date you if I can love those cute lil cats of yours FIRST. LOL.:-) Oh, thats right, your already attached! Your loss! :-)

And KF, stop kicking me!

Life? whats a life?
post #6 of 41
I think it all depends. My hubby and I got pregnant after only being together for 5 months, we didn't get married until the month before the birth of our daughter. We had been together for just over a year, and come October we will be married for 7 years. While a friend of mine dated her ex-hubby for 3 years before they got married, and well... now he's her ex, and they were'nt even married a year. So that's why I think it all just depends.
post #7 of 41
Well MeowMan, I am spoken for and I'm very much in love. However, if you are moving to the bay area and we are still living here... meeting you in person would be awesome.. and you would be more than welcome to come and visit Jake, Bastion, and Drew... and bring you furbabies too! I think you and Craig would get a long great.. you seem to have a lot in common.

Fair warning. The Bay Area is the supposedly the most expensive place in the world to live. Namely San Francisco. *SIGH* We are looking to get out of San Francisco and move to one of the smaller surrounding cities. More of a rural feel. I mean.. when we pay $2750 for a loft that has 2 bedrooms.. cement floors.... no air conditioning.. and the master bedroom (if you can call it that) doesn't have a door.. and the closet in the master bedroom doesn't have a floor. (the master bedroom is upstairs.. teeny tiny room, and the closet has no floor! you can look from our closet floor to the down stairs floor!) its pretty bad. I hate this place.. and we are planning to have another place soon.. like mid august. (THANK THE LORD!)

The Bay Area is beautiful though and being near the water is a definite plus.. though I could do without all the bridges *shudder*. If you do move here MeowMan.. Lemme know.. maybe Craig, you, and I can meet somewhere! (With our furbabies!)

post #8 of 41
I was 19 when I first met my husband. We dated for about 8 months before he asked me to marry him. We didn't live together, either. We waited about 10 months before we got married. This September will be our 4th wedding anniversary! In my opinion, getting married after only knowing each other for a month is really dumb. You barely even know that person!! Those are the marraiages that don't work-- but I guess there is always that rare time that it does.

Now, I know of a girl at work is is 23, and she and her boyfriend have been together since they were in JR. High (7th/8th grade). She wants to get married, but he doesn't yet. I honestly don't think it will ever happen for her with him..... he is too much into drinking and partying. And, while she loves him, it probably is better that she move on..... I have a feeling that if they do ever get married, it won't last that long.
post #9 of 41
Marriage is a long journey with many roads to choose from. I believe that you need to truly get to know the person you are planning on spending the rest of your life with. Can you do that in one or two months? - I think not. After all - you are not even at that "burping in front of each other" stage by that time!
post #10 of 41
I've never been married, so I don't have much to draw on for this.

I don't think it's possible to know a person after one month. I know that there are marriages that work though.

as soon as 3LK reads this, I hope she will tell the beautiful story of how her parents met, and only knew each other for something like 3 days before they got married & he was shipped out. It's truely a touching story, a miracle.

I think that the values have changed so much that a story like that isn't very possible for 2001. I don't think people have the same ideals. we are so quick to give up & I am basing that on the divorce rates. I really think that it's in the back of most peoples mind that 'well there's always divorce if this doesn't work out'. people didn't think that way 20 years ago. you didn't want to shame your family by getting divorced.

I'm not saying this was right, but I do think it made people take the institution of marriage a hell of a lot more serious. we're a society of convienance, of instant gratification, and that has made it's way into the family.

so I think it's more a matter of your mind set when entering into marriage, then anything else. there is no magic number of months or years, no combination of dating or living together. I think that you need to take time to get to know that person for sure, but most importantly how committed are you to sticking with it? are you in for the long haul,

for better or worse?


this is not intended to be a shot at anyone who is divorced. I believe that there are many, many legitimate reasons for disolving a marriage. To be unhappy is one of the worst things imaginable. I just think that a lot of people get married, and you can tell that they aren't in the right place mentally. they are more wrapped up in what color the brides maids dresses will be, or registering for all those cool gifts, and they don't think about what a huge committment they are making. it's just too easy to not to have to try and make it work.
post #11 of 41
AP wussing out with a "disclaimer"! :chicken:

I, for one, take zero offense at your comments.

And Kittyfoot, it figures, I'm usually up to my neck in s*** anyway!
post #12 of 41
Ok, jaws are probably going to drop on this one but here goes. I met my husband and five days later we were engaged. I had just gotten out of a 6 year relationship that was going nowhere. We didn't get married for another 2 years but at the end of this month it will be 3 years married and at the beginning of August, we will be together for five years. This is my second marriage and I told my husband when we first met that (a) the animals come first and (b) I don't trust men as far as I can throw them and I can't even pick him up (I completely trust him now). Anyway, I wouldn't trade him for anything (but we won't let him know that) as he's the best pet sitter I have (I'm gone quite often for cat shows), cooks, cleans, does laundry holds down a full-time job and -- get this -- is 11 years younger than I am. Rene and the crew can attest to how wonderful he is. And for all of you single girls out there, no he does not have a brother or cousin. For the guys, yes he has a sister who will be 20 years old on my wedding anniversary. Anyway, that's it, now you can all pick up your jaws from the floor.

post #13 of 41

I had to put a disclaimer because there isn't anymore room in the foxhole! gotta cover my ass!

I just wanted to make clear that while I think people don't take marriage seriously enough, I do know there are reasons why it doesn't work (abuse of any sort, etc.)


I don't think that there is anything shocking about your story. true it's not the norm by a long shot, but I do think things like that happen. it really depends on the people involved. and getting engaged instead of married initially is smart. You're making the plunge, without really taking it. you guys took 2 years to get to know each other, and found that your initial feelings and impressions where right on the money. may you both live happily ever after.
post #14 of 41

You still waited the 2 years before actually getting married. It wasn't like you were engaged after 6 days and married after 7. I'll bet that if your husband lived up to your previous expectations of men during the engagement period, he wouldn't have made it to the alter with you.

AP: There's always room for one more.
post #15 of 41
True we did wait the 2 years but he did move in with me about 6 weeks after we met. We wait because I knew that I was going to move out of New York and wanted to make sure he wanted to come with me. I also really waited to find out if I would have killed him while driving cross country which can be very stressful especially when he had to sleep in the truck with the kitties (who were in big cages because I didn't want them to stay in carriers for the whole ride) and I slept in the hotel room with our dog. I did all the driving with my bad back and all and he did the navigating. Now picture this, 15' Ryder truck with car carrier and mini-van on the carrier. I didn't kill him and waited for family to come here to see us get married. I do love him but there are times where I wish I could kill him.

post #16 of 41
Ok some of you say that getting to know someone for a period of time before you marry is the best thing to do. Well I say it depend more on how mature you are when you get married then the time you have known each other. Not that knowing each other isn't good too. Here is my story.

I met my husband in high school. We dated for 3 years and we got married when I was a senior. Well at age 17 along came kids and I had 4 kids in 6 years. Stupid huh! Well I have managed to raise those 4 kids and they all turned out to be nice adults with kids of their own now. During all these years (38 of them) things kept getting worst as time went on. But we stayed together anyhow. I guess that was dumb too...sigh. Now it is just like two strangers living in the same house with absolutely nothing in common.

So my point is that I don't think its so much how long you know someone before marrying them that is important but how mature you are when you make the decision.
post #17 of 41
I do agree with Meme. I was 36 and my husband was 25 (although he acted older and also looked older).

post #18 of 41
Hmmm, interesting, I have to say, I think it all depends on the individuals themselves, not necessarily how old they are, my Mum and Dad got married the day after my mums 17th birthday, and they are still together and very happy 30 years later. I also am married at age 19, and have been for over a year now,. My husband and I met when we were 10 years old but he lived over 150 miles away so nothing ever came of it (obviously as we were only 10!!)but then we saw each other again when I was 17 (he was 19) and got together (it was a long distance relationship), it was 6 months and we got engaged, and 6 months after that we were married. I moved a long way away from all my family but we get on absolutely brilliantly, and I would definately do it again, theres not one thing in our relationship I would want to change. (of course we're not perfect - who is?!!) but we could never be without each other now! Also I have two older sisters who are 6 and 5 years older than me, and one will be married a year tomorrow, and the other has only been married for 2 months.
I think everyone is different and it depends on the individual couples as to whether it works or not. I do however think it takes longer than a month to get to know someone properly, but for some people it works anyway, it depends how much time you spend with someone in that time period, I mean you could be dating some one for 6 months and only see them for a couple of hours a month, or you could see them for a couple of hours every day. As with myself, I couldn't see my husband alot when we were dating as he lived so far away, but we spent at least 2-3 hours a night on the phone EVERY night! and when he did come to stay it was always for a few days at a time.
Anyway, just like everyone else, this is just my own opinion.

post #19 of 41
I too have never been married so my opinion only comes from what I have seen. My parents met and dated Freshman year of highschool and got married when they were 19. After 20 years of marriage, they divorced because my father fell in love with a woman, who 8 years later married. My mother dated a man for 7 years and it was an emotionally abusive relationship they broke it off finally! She met a man on the internet and they married 5 months after there first date. He is a wonderful man, and she is the happiest I have ever seen her!

My roommate met a man when she was 21, kicked me out of the apartment claiming she had no time for her friends because she was getting married. 2 months after their first date they married. Exactly two years later she called with the news they were divorcing.

I think for the most part it is too easy to divorce, not put any effort into the marriage. Statistics say, that a child from divorced parents has a bigger chance of divorcing themselves. How sad is that?
I think when I meet a man I will know when the time is right for marriage. I am 25 now, and I know that I am not ready yet for marriage. I want to be a little more settled. But you never know, when fate throws you that curve ball, it could just knock you on your but
post #20 of 41
There certainly are no guarantees. I dated my ex-husband for quite a few years before we got married. He then slipped into the same role that his father holds. After figuring out I was about 20th on the priority list behind job, kids, family (his), reading, napping, etc., etc., it was time to go. He had no desire to work on the relationship at all and felt everything was oakie-dokie as long as he was getting a meal on the table promptly at 6 pm. In looking back, there were signs, but I didn't see them at the time.

That's why I am such a big Dr. Phil supporter, especially when he talks about always making an effort to take care of the relationship.

I just think that when 2 people get married after spending almost no time together that some of these types of issues are more likely to surface.
post #21 of 41
My husband and I knew each other for 13 months before we got married, but only spent a few weekends together before we moved in together, and actually decided to get married on the night we met (about 6 hours after we were introduced).

Neither of us ws looking to get married at the time, but in hindsight it was probably for the best for us to settle down and quit the partying. I was certainly getting tired of the dating scene, and jokingly told my friend the day before that I was just going to marry the next man who asked me. I lived with someone else for 4 years, and was broken up with him for almost a year when I met my husband.

It kind of just hit both of us, and stuck. He had about 4 hours of cold feet in the first week, but bounced back well. My best friend told me I was a moron, and his buddies had a pool to see how long we would make it.

We have been married for 5 years, have been through numerous crises (extramarital temptation (not acted upon), putting a cat to sleep, serious illnesses, unemployment twice for each of us, near bankruptcy, buying and building a house), and are day-to-day happy and very much in love.

I know it makes no sense, but that's the way it happened. You can never really know until you're there. Sometimes it's just fate, and sometimes you listen.

I am a big believer in fate, and listening to what the uncontrolled events in your life are telling you. Many good things in my life have seemed like silly decisions at the time, and if I had used only my logic, I would have missed out on so many things.

Didn't plan to get all philosophical there... oh well.

post #22 of 41
I'm a big believer in fate, too, Julie. I was kind of surprised when my last act upon faith didn't turn out the way I would have like it to.

post #23 of 41
Maybe it will yet, Deb... you never can tell how things will turn out.

I read this on a calendar, and it has become my mantra:

"Sometimes we have the illusion that hurrying will get us there faster"...
post #24 of 41
Good quote, Julie. I like it.
post #25 of 41
Well I lasted 54 yrs as a single guy before finding my lady. Last year my views on this subject were radically different than today. Was it fate that prodded me to finally learn to use a computer,buy one,go to the cat chatroom and meet my beauty? I don't know the answer to that. I just know that during the next 10 months we found so many things in common and when we finally met it was as old friends. It is real hard for me..us being so far apart again. Both have things to keep us apart for a time and each understands and respects the other's sense of duty. Sure,we could just throw all aside and concentrate solely on our own needs,but that is what maturity is..a sense of duty to those around us. In my case an elderly mom who needs my affection and care too.

Plus we have several issues concerning our citizenshp,etc to decide. Lots of paperwork to figure out. Talk about testing your commitment.

When we both are able to reconcile our responsibilities I will be proud to marry this dear lady..or however she wishes.

BTW...her avatar reflects one of my pet names for her..because she can do 14 things at once and still talk to me...and no,I won't tell you WHAT 14 things!!!!!
post #26 of 41

I may be really dense here, but what do you mean by citizenship? I have never been able to figure out where you are from.
post #27 of 41
in the words of the beer commercial..I AM CANADIAN !!!!!

Town of Bloomfield,province of New Brunswick,country of Canada.

Meme on the other hand is a US citizen. There are all kinds of legalities and things like visas and tax items to consider regardless of where we choose to settle.

Believe me this takes commitment to a relationship.
post #28 of 41

*smacks hand to forehead*

thanks for clearing that up!
post #29 of 41
By the way AP..I have been in the most advrtized place in North America...DETOUR,Maryland.
post #30 of 41
I've never heard of detour MD. it's a real place?
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