Does anyone else ever feel this way?/ What might be going on?

Sorry long post/rant

Sometimes I really hate this massive amount of empathy & compassion I seem to have. While it comes in handy most of the time, sometimes it just makes my life miserable. Sometimes I just wish it would go away. Without compassion, I couldn't look on a neglected child or animal and be sad.

So I have this very good friend of mine, who several things are going through my mind.

The borderline personality disorder seems to be rearing it's ugly head, again- and even though it has been gone for months, I can't help but think this this friend is upset because of something I did, or said (even though they said no). The scenario: My hubby is very very out of it most of the time, distant & passive aggressive. This friend who visits us quite often - has literally been a light to our darkness - (both hubby and I being homebound). Anyway - we had a conversation on the phone, and he was telling me because of hubby, he was thinking of not coming over again.

So suddenly the game night we had planned - he can't make it.

The housewarming which was a definate is now a maybe

The website I am building for his law firm - now he doesn't want to get together to discuss it

And hubby's surprise b-day party which was a 100% plan, is now "if i have time".

All signs seem to point to him avoiding coming over again.

It seems he is avoiding us because of hubby, and im the one who is getting hurt from it... soooooo that brings us to today.

He tells me it has nothing to do with me, and says it is about a "false delimma" whatever that means.. . (someone enlighten me?)

We liberally apply (in fact he is co-director with me of this ministry) what we call "The Four Principles" located here: http://freedomfromdivision.com/?page_id=78

I know he would tell me if there was a problem with me. But I know it's not with me, however it might be with hubby- and now I am upset with hubby.

So he tells me he is just having a rough couple of days and to just pray for him. Here is where the empathy comes. I hate it because it means I hurt for him, and literally cry out of concern for a friend, I know he is having a really bad time and feel like something horrible is going on (worst case scenario) so how come I have to have empathy? Why can't I be a jerk sometimes lol....

Anyway, I would love thoughts & ideas here... Thanks

Wait, who has the borderline? You, hubby or friend?

BPD is just awful to live with... I don't suffer from it but my dad does. I know how hard it can be.

Can't think of any advice that's relevant here, but I just wanted to give a hug and to say I'll keep you in my thoughts.

I had it. I don't anymore, it has been overcome and healed. - I just have residual pieces occasionally.

I guess I have no choice but to take what my friend says at Face Value that it isn't me, it is him - having a bad day the past couple of days.

Though this was erased last night when he called me after church and on top of the world, then I feel I somehow ruined it.

I know it is possible for men and women to be "just friends".  But for some reason when I read your post I just couldn't help thinking that this friend has feelings beyond friendship for you.

You say that he told you that it "isn't about you".  Did he ever specifically come out and tell you anything negative about your husband?  Anything at all?

How does your husband treat you? Does he ever talk down to you? Yell at you? Make fun of you? Laugh at you? Belittle you? etc etc

Maybe your friend is picking up negative feelings from your husband, and it is making him feel uncomfortable.  These feelings could have to do with your friend's growing affection towards you, and his faith about "You shall not covet your neighbor's wife."  He could also be feeling uncomfortable with your husband's behaviour towards you.  Most women in an abusive relationship, especially a verbally/emotionally/psychollogically abusive one, tend to stick their heads into the sand and turn a blind eye towards it because they have been conditioned over a period of time to "just accept" that this is just how it is.

There really isn't anything you can do however, if your friend chooses to talk to you in riddles instead of just coming out and telling you what he means by ""false delimma"

You have no choice but to respect his wishes and give him the time and space that he needs.  It could be that this is the end of a friendship, which is always sad.  But a friendship is just like any other relationship, people do tend to change over time, even if not at the same rate or for the same reason.  People grow apart, and friendships melt away.  That is always a sad thing especially when one person wants the friendship to end, while the other still clings to it.

Natalie_ca said:

I know it is possible for men and women to be "just friends".  But for some reason when I read your post I just couldn't help thinking that this friend has feelings beyond friendship for you.

You say that he told you that it "isn't about you".  Did he ever specifically come out and tell you anything negative about your husband?  Anything at all?

How does your husband treat you? Does he ever talk down to you? Yell at you? Make fun of you? Laugh at you? Belittle you? etc etc

Maybe your friend is picking up negative feelings from your husband, and it is making him feel uncomfortable.  These feelings could have to do with your friend's growing affection towards you, and his faith about "You shall not covet your neighbor's wife."  He could also be feeling uncomfortable with your husband's behaviour towards you.  Most women in an abusive relationship, especially a verbally/emotionally/psychollogically abusive one, tend to stick their heads into the sand and turn a blind eye towards it because they have been conditioned over a period of time to "just accept" that this is just how it is.

There really isn't anything you can do however, if your friend chooses to talk to you in riddles instead of just coming out and telling you what he means by ""false delimma"

You have no choice but to respect his wishes and give him the time and space that he needs.  It could be that this is the end of a friendship, which is always sad.  But a friendship is just like any other relationship, people do tend to change over time, even if not at the same rate or for the same reason.  People grow apart, and friendships melt away.  That is always a sad thing especially when one person wants the friendship to end, while the other still clings to it.

Click to expand...

The False delimma ended up being a mis-interpreted text message. The thing with this friend and I, there has never been ANY romantic feelings either way- And yes, my husband has passive aggressive so we have often had conversations about him and sometimes negative.

Turns out this friend really had his own issues he was dealing with- and since we do - as Christians - apply "the four principles", it helps. I am pleased to say everything is back to normal (Nick in fact came over tonight) -- My husband (on his OWN!) realized how he had been treating Nick and made things right. SO long story short, we are all 3 best buds now- or so it seems. Nick and I have been connected from Day one, he really helped me out in a bad place in my life- and has since become my best friend, and no longer feels like a third wheel- but feels connected to both of us.

I feel so silly and foolish and stupid. Everything is Fine... I just perceived it wrong I guess. I wasn't being excluded. I get alone time with Nick all the time, he just wanted that time with Ricky. So they came back, we went out to eat- then played games & watched TV and when he left, we had our customary one on one time to just chill and talk about whatever. Ricky is completely OK with the relationship with Nick, and it seems for the time being, things are "back to normal."

We have definite plans to hang out next week. He is coming to the housewarming party, he came over tonight for a game night, and the birthday party for ricky is still on

This seems another case of Mel jumping to conclusions. I'm sorry if I annoyed anyone!! But thanks for listening and all.......

Glad it all worked out. 

I think of Nick as "my best girl friend", in other words- he is a guy but you can talk to him like you would your best gal pal