Telling someone they are adopted...Am I wrong?

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luvmyparker

luvmyparker

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She is normally a very caring, sweet, compassionate person. I really think the world of her...but right now, yeah, I am so disappointed in her.
 

3CatsN1Dog, I am afraid it will cause A to be angry at her mother, which would be awful considering she may not have much time left. That's where R thinks the timing is perfect and that it will give A a chance to talk to her mom about it before she passes. "imagine if she found out years later and didn't have the chance to ask her mother about it".

My reasoning with her failed because I am not adopted and have no personal experience. Apparently, common sense plays no role in all this. If I had some way to make her see its wrong, I'd do it in a heartbeat just so A and her family can deal with things as they are, without added stress. All I can do is hope the message goes ignored or that facebook has issues and the message never goes through.
 
jennyr

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I have a friend who waas in a similar position to A, in that she was adopted by her paternal grandparents and brought up to think her father was her brother. But when someone told her when she in her twenties, it caused terrible problems on all sides, and raised a whole load of family issues, much worse than if she had been adopted by strangers. She ended up totally estranged from all her family on both sides and has never spoken to any of them again (she is now in her 80s). I can only hope R thinks better of it.
 
rockcat

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Wow. You know, I agree that the timing is horrible and she should keep her mouth shut, for now at least.

I have mixed feelings about the future, though. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't she A's biological half sister? As an adult, perhaps they should both have the opportunity to choose whether or not to have a relationship. Isn't it just as wrong to ignore the fact that her sister may want to know her?
 
misty8723

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I'm not sure about telling a total stranger, but I very much believe that everyone has a right to know where they came from.  I don't get the reluctance to admit a person is adopted, but that's just me.  It's better to raise a person knowing from the start then to spring it on them later, but they still have a right to know.
 
MoochNNoodles

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Somewhat off topic; but somewhat related.

There is a family at my church where the Dad adopted the boy when he was too young to remember.  He was the SWEETEST kid.  He always came over to talk to me.  Like every week we'd have a short chat.  I talked to his little sister too and his parents are really sweet people.  Sometime in his late teens they decided to tell him he was adopted by his Dad; why I do not know.  It could have been from someone on his bio-dad's side; I really don't know.  His Mom is his bio-mother.  The way I understood it; it really threw him for a loop.  It was after this that that he started making bad decisions.  Bad.  He ended up in prison.  He wasn't even 20 and serving time.  He got out and for some reason ended up right back in there.  Either it was a mix up or some other charge he had to account for.  Not my place to ask.  I've only seen him a couple times since then.  He looks like a shell of the happy kid I once knew.  So hard and cold; when I know he has a warm heart under there.  His son was a baby when this all happened.  Now his son is the cutest; sweetest lil thing!  The boy's mom and SO (never asked if they are dating, married, etc) bring him to church or the boy's grandparents do.  My DD LOVES him.  He's about 3 years older than her I think.  Maybe just 2.  When she was learning to walk he was the only kid in the nursery who paid much mind to her.  She'd pull up on him and use him like a walker.  He'll hold his hand out to her and she'll put her little hand in his little hand.  It's soooo sweet!!  I about cried when he graduated to the pre-school room last year!!

So that's just another example of how this stuff can really turn someones life upside down.  I do think someday it would be ok to talk to A about it.  But not now.  R's mother recently passed too didn't she?  I would see that making her feel like A needs to know before she can't ask the tough questions.  And who knows; maybe she will accept it fine and will make peace with her mother over it.  But I couldn't live with myself if I caused her extra pain during this difficult time.
 
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luvmyparker

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Ah, yes, MoochNNoodles, her mother passed away this past summer. This is why she is so adamant on telling her. That emotional side of her has seemingly clouded her better judgement. Your story only makes my stomach turn more for this situation.

The thing is, if it did destroy A's life, R probably wouldn't be able to live with herself either...however, her emotions have got a strong grip on her and she is willing to take that chance.
 
misty8723

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MoochNNoodles said:
Somewhat off topic; but somewhat related.

There is a family at my church where the Dad adopted the boy when he was too young to remember.  He was the SWEETEST kid.  He always came over to talk to me.  Like every week we'd have a short chat.  I talked to his little sister too and his parents are really sweet people.  Sometime in his late teens they decided to tell him he was adopted by his Dad; why I do not know.  It could have been from someone on his bio-dad's side; I really don't know.  His Mom is his bio-mother.  The way I understood it; it really threw him for a loop.  It was after this that that he started making bad decisions.  Bad.  He ended up in prison.  He wasn't even 20 and serving time.  He got out and for some reason ended up right back in there.  Either it was a mix up or some other charge he had to account for.  Not my place to ask.  I've only seen him a couple times since then.  He looks like a shell of the happy kid I once knew.  So hard and cold; when I know he has a warm heart under there.  His son was a baby when this all happened.  Now his son is the cutest; sweetest lil thing!  The boy's mom and SO (never asked if they are dating, married, etc) bring him to church or the boy's grandparents do.  My DD LOVES him.  He's about 3 years older than her I think.  Maybe just 2.  When she was learning to walk he was the only kid in the nursery who paid much mind to her.  She'd pull up on him and use him like a walker.  He'll hold his hand out to her and she'll put her little hand in his little hand.  It's soooo sweet!!  I about cried when he graduated to the pre-school room last year!!

So that's just another example of how this stuff can really turn someones life upside down.  I do think someday it would be ok to talk to A about it.  But not now.  R's mother recently passed too didn't she?  I would see that making her feel like A needs to know before she can't ask the tough questions.  And who knows; maybe she will accept it fine and will make peace with her mother over it.  But I couldn't live with myself if I caused her extra pain during this difficult time.
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Which is why I think you should tell the kids from day one that they are adopted.  I don't see why people are afraid to do it.  If you love your children and raise them with love, YOU will be their parents, not their biologicals.  However, they will at least know where they came from. 

I also don't think just telling someone that they are adopted would totally change their personality, so there may very well be some other underlying issues.

I am going through something right now where we are trying to sort out the truth of someone's birth after the fact (all parties are dead and it was a closed adoption).  What we can figure out is the baby was adopted at birth by the biological father (who was trying to hide the fact that he had an affair with the baby's mother), and the biological father's wife.  It is the daughter of the girl who was adopted who is trying to sort it out.  I got involved because the birth mother was my aunt - but since we weren't close, I didn't know anything about a baby.  We are fairly convinced that we have the story straight, but we don't know any of the hows or whys.

The sad thing is that my newly found cousin believes that my aunt "didn't want" her mother, gave her away, and never tried to contact her.  Whereas, I think my aunt was going through a tough time, separated from her husband with two young children already, very poor, and possibly an alcoholic.  She may have wanted the baby very much but knew she would have a better life if she let the father have her.  If everything wasn't all secret and hush hush, we would all know the circumstances and can adjust to it. 
 
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I also think that adoption should be part of the family narrative from day 1, so that the child never "finds out" they're adopted, because that can cause a lot of trust issues. Imagine finding out your parents were keeping something from you, or even lying to you, your entire life! That can definitely cause problems. But if that didn't happen, it's certainly not something a stranger should spring on someone, especially during a stressful time.
 
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I beleive the choice of telling the person they're adopted is between the adoptive parents.   If you're a complete stranger to the person, stay out of it because either A)they won't beleive you anyways B) it may ruin that person's trust for her adoptive parents. 

Especially if the adoptive mom is in the hospital and pretty much on her deathbed, you really don't want to put their relationship in jepardy when the mom could pass on any day.
 
ut0pia

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I can't believe R is going to do this!!! Is is extremely careless of her.

I mean, the only thing that would come out of it would be that your half sister would see your entire family in a bad light, because of R's actions. I think your half sister would see it as though you are approaching her without the approval of her adoptive parents, and therefore must not like them or otherwise be in conflict with them. And if she had to choose a side, it would be her adoptive parents, because they are the ones she knows and loves.

So, I think R is ruining any chance for ever having a good relationship with your half sister....

And of course there's the issue of how it may affect her emotionally :( There has to be an intervention to stop R!
 
calico2222

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I was given up for adoption at birth and was adopted by my parents at 5 months old. My parents were honest with me from day one, I grew up knowing that I was adopted and feeling even more special because of it. Mom told me they picked me out of ALL the babies because they wanted ME, so when I was little I pictured it like the produce section of the grocery store only instead of tomatoes, cucumbers and lettuce, the bins were filled with babies they could chose from 
 . In reality, they were put on a waiting list and had to wait over 2 years before a baby became available. They even got a children's book that explained adoption that I begged mom to read to me time and time again when I was little. I remember on girl in grade school used to pick on me because I was adopted (I didn't hide the fact) and finally I had enough and told her "well, at least my parents chose me, your's were just stuck with you". It was just a fact of life to me and made me even more grateful for everything they did for me.

Now, if I would have found out when I was 30 something it would be a completely different story. I think this is the biggest mistake R could ever make if she wants any kind of relationship with your half sister. I took care of my mom for a year and a half while she died of cancer, and even knowing I was adopted, if someone from my birth family came forward during that time and wanted to start a relationship I would have been angry and insulted. It would be like someone saying "hey, you're about ready to lose the only family you have ever known, but guess what...we're here to replace her" like she was just disposable and someone else could just fill her shoes. Honestly, I probably would have punched them in the face. 

Maybe a few years down the road your step-sister could handle the news and everything would be ok but definitely not right now. I know you can't control R's actions but please try to talk some sense into her (I know you've tried) before she adds more stress and heartache to that poor girl's life.
 
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luvmyparker

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Oh believe me, we had a head to head battle about this. She will not back down. I even used some stories from here as examples (didn't say where they came from or anything). She just got annoyed that no one is agreeing with her. Well, except her husband, of course.

Losing her mother has made her an emotional wreck and she's been acting on these emotions ever since. I get that she's hurting and wants everyone to have the same kind of relationship she had with her mother and feel how she feels but her common sense is just being drowned in these feelings and she just doesn't get that that's not how it works.
 
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luvmyparker

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I am not 100% sure whether or not R actually messaged anyone. As far as I know, she didn't...and if she did, nothing came of it. Hopefully, if she went ahead with it, it was dismissed. My mother is in contact with a couple people from A's family and no one has mentioned anything.
 
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