Just typing stuff. (long family crud)

Just need to type some stuff out. Kind of annoyed.

My brother asked me to go to the Pride Charlotte event today - I finally decided to make the 6 hour round trip drive to spend a couple hours up there - he and my mom were going, but my dad was staying home (they never invite him to do anything, though that's not something I'd really see him doing either). They didn't tell him I was coming, and I didn't call ahead to tell him so it'd be a surprise I was there, even if it was only for a few minutes to say hey before I went to Pride.

Things were interesting and fun at Pride, and I planned to leave around 4 to get home by 7ish. Around 3:45 my brother was up taking pictures of the drag queens, and my mom and I were resting our feet sitting on a granite artistic thing in the atrium area. She drops a "bomb" on me - she told me she intends to file for divorce from my dad sometime in the next week.

Now, I know things have been crap for YEARS. In 2002, she left for two weeks and took my brother and I with her. She told me today she thought moving to a new state would change things. 7 years later, that is not so, and she has no patience or desire to deal with my dad anymore. I'm not shocked about that really, though my grandma says she's 100% serious this time and plans to go through with it - yet finding the money for a lawyer is going to be hard for her as they struggle to pay their bills as it is.

I'm not all that upset by the idea of them divorcing, as I know they are both pretty miserable. I do think my dad still loves my mom, but things are not in happy order there. She says she has zero love left. They've been married for 27½ years, together for 35 years. All they do is complain about each other. Considering I have my own life here in SC (3 hours away) with my husband and 3 cats, it wont affect me as much as if I still lived at home and was younger. But I worry about my dad in all of it, what he'll do, where he'll live, how he'll deal.

My mom says she intends to keep the house, as its in her name. She told me my dad said he wont sign any divorce papers and will take her to/see her in court. He hadn't told me any of this stuff, I think my half-sister (his first marriage) knew about it because she asked me was going on down in NC. My grandma is surprised he hasn't told me either. I guess it's probably because he plans to make it long and drawn out. Kinda made me sad when my mom said he picked the only rose from their rosebush, put it in water next to her bed with a paper that said "I love you". She said she ignored it and that its too late, but I see it as at least he tries to show you he does care. She's been very negative toward him for years though, even when he tries to do nice things. I've always been closer with my dad than her - we never had a great relationship when I was growing up.

I knew something was up today when she was acting so nice to me, took interest in my pole stuff, and wanted to walk around with "my kids on each arm!"

Ugh, I was having such a good day, and right before I leave I get that dropped on me. Now I'm back home with my hubby and kitties and about to go on date night. Hope everything turns out well. My best friend says she thinks it will - I hope she's right.

Ugh. That's a tough one, no matter what your age or the situation.

I'm sorry your heart is uneasy. I hope it all works out amicably and quickly and everyone finds some peace.

Cally

Sorry to hear that

I never understand why people stay together so long just to divorce years later.

Originally Posted by Trouts mom

Sorry to hear that

I never understand why people stay together so long just to divorce years later.

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Me either. My first reaction was "then why the heck didn't you do it 10 years ago?" I dont believe that the whole "changing states" (from NJ to NC) was going to change a thing, or even knew that she thought that. And still, 7 years have passed since they moved there...

I feel bad for my dad mostly, because of how cold my mom can be. I know, because I've been on the receiving end. Their age difference certainly doesn't help things - she's 52, he'll be 70 in December. When he talked to me today, he seemed normal, telling me he'd make one of my old clocks customized if I can get him a picture of my 3 cats together and blow it up to 8x10, and asked me about the driveshaft to my truck. My MIL thinks that my mom will get the short end of the stick in the long run, because she has a job and my dad is retired, and she may have to pay him alimony. Not sure how laws work on all that though. I don't know where he'll go to live if she really does go through with it and it gets finalized.

Argh, so frustrating. And I hate that my mom just decided to drop it on me when I was having a decent day, supporting my brother at the Pride event.

I imagine there really is never a "good" time to drop a bomb like that . Sorry to hear this news. It sounds like your mom has been so unhappy for many years. It is hard news to bear, no matter how old you are. Just to you tonight. I hope your mom can be happy now and must be a bit relieved now that you know...

My mom called me last night while I was at the gym and left a voicemail to call her back regarding divorce stuff. I can count on one hand how many times she's called me in the last 6 years, so I knew it had to be regarding that. I tried 3 times today but she was at the vet with their bird. So when my brother called me earlier, she got on the phone, ranting and explaining everything she found out from the lawyer. If my dad makes it easy (which I don't think he is going to) they will split stuff down the middle (her 401k, house sale if it ever sells and if they get anything out of it), etc. If it's not easy, it will cost $3000-6000 in lawyer fees and court costs, and they will have to shred each other apart so she is compiling stuff to use against him if she has to (and apparently her lawyer enjoys getting down and dirty in court). I don't know where either of them will get the money for that though, but my dad has already told her he'd refuse a divorce.

She can't throw my dad out, but if he doesn't leave, she intends to let the house foreclose and find somewhere for her, my brother, 3 cats, and a bird. My grandmother offered to take her and the animals in, but my brother wasn't welcome. She thought that was horrible and refused the offer. (Mind you, my brother is 21 and should be doing his own thing anyway!) I guess my dad has been talking to his younger brother (who's been divorced 4 times ) a lot lately. Not sure about what. When my dad asked where he would live if he left, my mom said "you have a daughter in SC, and one in PA. There ya go." He said he doesn't want to live here (though to me he's always said he did and she didn't) and that he'll never live up north again. I don't know what we'd do about him living down here if he ended up calling me about it. Rob feels like something is going to land on us in all of this though.

I don't think she gets that I want to stay out of it. And ranting to me about my dad, *knowing* I always got along with him better growing up because she always favored my brother over me, well I don't know what she's getting at. Ever since Pride Charlotte, she's been all nice to me though. Rob said I better not get dragged into any court stuff up there and if they try, that I should refuse. I need them to figure it out themselves, and I'll be there when it's over with. I sometimes wished my mom and I had a better relationship when I see others who have great relationships, but I really can't picture it, and now I feel like she's trying to drive a wedge into me and my dad's relationship.

She also told me that she has yet to tell my dad she went to a lawyer about it, because I guess she thinks he doesn't believe her. She intends to tell him on Saturday morning. Told me he's been acting nice lately but that she's still over it all and pursuing divorce. He still hasn't said anything to me about it, and I haven't talked to my half-sister recently to see if that's what she was talking about a couple weeks ago.

I just need to vent and let it out somewhere, don't mind me. My mental worst case scenario is pretty bad, although I don't know if its something that would really happen, it's kind of scary to think about.

My advice? Don't get involved and don't pick sides. It's their marriage and whatever happens is between them and no one else.

The next time your Mom called and tries to get you involved in a discussion about her divorce, tell her that you do not want to get involved and that she should be talking to your Dad and lawyer about, no one else.

Have you told your mom that you would really like to stay out of it? Sometimes you just need to be blunt. I know I do with MY mom.

I'm really sorry you and your family are going through this. Divorce is never easy, but neither is a very unhappy marriage.

I've told my mom, grandmother, and brother I want to stay out of it. And if my dad brings it up to me finally, I intend to tell him as well. When I told my brother, he just kept repeating "well you still really need to talk to mom so she can tell you what she wants to tell you anyway."

My grandma usually just keeps telling me that my mom is serious this time. I keep telling her in return that I don't care what they do, as long as they leave me out of it. She gave me the quick rundown of what my mom found out (about splitting stuff if they do it the easy way, or having to fight nasty if they do it the hard way) when I talked to her, and I just said "Okay, so I can continue to stay out of it because that has nothing to do with me."

When I stop and think about it, out of the first 10 friends of mine that came to mind yesterday, 8 of them have divorced parents. They survived it, so I'm pretty certain being 24 and having my own adult life will contribute to me surviving it just fine as well. I don't have to sit there and watch it play out, there is no custody battles to be fought, no child support to be dealt with. Only thing I'll have to do is go pick up my stuff I still have at their house if/when it gets sold.

Argh. Just something else to weigh on my mind on top of everything else I have going on (work, school, myself, dealing with foster kittens, etc). Though I'm getting pretty good at pushing it out of my mind until someone calls me up and reminds me of it. Also just feels better to type it out right now, too.

Originally Posted by Kailie

Have you told your mom that you would really like to stay out of it? Sometimes you just need to be blunt. I know I do with MY mom.

I'm really sorry you and your family are going through this.

Divorce is never easy, but neither is a very unhappy marriage.

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Hugs.

Wow, sounds like a major mess is about to unfold. As others have said, tho, it's best to tell everyone up-front "don't involve me in this".
I feel bad for your Dad; I think your Mom has opened a big ole can of worms without realizing it. She may very well have to pay alimony, keep him on her insurance, split her 401k---people don't realize that when you get divorced everything you own or have saved is basically up for grabs.

It sounds as if this is going to happen no matter what. I hope your Dad gets a good attorney.

I know this isn't easy for you, sweetie; no matter how old you are, they're still your parents and you don't want to see them hurt (or hurt each other). You just concentrate on taking care of yourself (((hugs)))

Ack. So today my mother calls me today and I was thinking it was my half sister, since she said she was going to call me at some point today to discuss the "situation", as she put it. I answered, my mom asked what I was doing - I had just woken up because we've been sick for a week. She started the main part of the conversation with "So after today I may not have a daughter or step-daughter anymore depending on the answers to my questions."

On Tuesday when I talked to my dad, he told me a little about what was going on, mostly what i heard from my mom already. He said he would probably have to buy a trailer or something down here near us, and either work for my hubby or someone that he knows. All I said was that trailer down here are pretty cheap, especially 10-15mi away because it's more "country" out there, and that I was unsure if hubby could afford to hire him on but could talk to some people he knows also. That was all. Well, somehow my mom claims that he told her neither me or my half sister will do anything to help out. I never say no to anything, and I was not directly asked for any help either. There was probably dropped hints, but I'm one of those people that if you want some help, ask me and we will discuss options.

My mom said "Part of the reason I was able to pursue this more now is because he has you and your sister to help out with giving him some place to go." That made me pretty irked - that she figures we'll pick up the mess she is making without a problem, as if we don't have anything going on in our own lives. My half-sister has two kids (15 and 12) and her husband also owns a shop. According to my mom, my dad told her my sister said her house was full and that her husband couldn't hire him, but I don't think she would say a direct no or that she couldn't help. I'm assuming now that's what she was going to call and discuss with me. My dad also confuses me and my half-sister's names because they both start with T. (And my grandma always either calls me my mom's name or one of my female cousin's names sometimes when we talk ) And when my parents both relay things, it always ends up being a "well i heard this" and "no i never said that" type thing.

So my mom asked me to look for cheap houses/trailers/boarding homes/apartments for cheap down here. Surprisingly there were actual houses nearby in the $30k range - they've been listed for 6+ months. And a trailer for $26k listed 4 days ago. The mortgages on them would be a lot less than apartments in the area, and the senior (55+) community starts at $149,900! I sent her those links, and some job links down here. Though my dad is 69 and hasn't worked in over 7 years and seems picky about where to work even though he's not really in a place to be choosy.

She had also mentioned to me that since it is family, hubby should be able to hire him anyway, even if he has no room/money to do it. So it sounded to me like she expects him to fire someone there that's been there for some time now so he can hire my dad to do stuff. Hubby said "well if she's so set on not messing with family, why is she doing this? She's not helping him one bit by tossing him out." She also suggested we just take him into our house until he got a job, but we would probably end up buying one of those other houses before that happened. We both want to keep our house as just me, hubby, and kitties. I love my dad, but when I moved into this house, we agreed we would never live with anyone else again.

He emailed me right after she hung up from me, telling me she was going to be calling. He plans to get a lawyer after his next social security check comes in. I guess I'll let him know about the houses down here and see what he thinks.

I just want to slam my head into a wall today I have too much going on to have this dropped on top.

It seems you mom expects you and your sister to take your dad in and look after him. In other words, she wants you to clean up her mess.

She sure isn't being fair. They need to work out their own issues, find their own place to live and leave you ladies out of it.

Wow; you've got to love family ('cause it's against the law to kill them )

Shame on your Mom for putting you in the middle of her drama. It's good that you're willing to help your Dad find a place to live and, hopefully, a job (although at his age it will probably be very difficult). Don't let you or your hubby get pressured into anything---you can't give up your own happiness and peace of mind, and it's really unfair of your folks to expect you to do so.

I wish I had some fabulous words of widsom to help you make it thru this mess; all I can do is send loads of that things work out without you being totally stuck in the middle.

Thanks for the vibes and words

My hubby just called me and asked what I thought about getting an investment property now that the market is at a big time low. We can get a decent house nearby for under $400/mo mortgage (and he reminds me of how I *had* to have my house in 2009, right before the big housing bubble burst... but I like our house and my sanity is intact, so its worth the "huge" [in comparison] mortgage payment we have on it ). He talked about giving my dad a "life deed" to the investment house, but it would still remain ours. Then depending on the market we could sell it if it appreciates in value in ~20 years, or rent it out. The only rule would be that he cannot smoke indoors, only outside or in a garage if it has one. We can't promise him a job, but could at least give him a place to live rent free. Hubby said he could be useful to take care of the yard, tinker with some of the cars when they need to be fixed (BIL's car is acting up right now), etc if he has no luck finding a job - but of course he should still look for one, easy as it is. UPS is hiring package handlers part time, so there's one option! His SS check should be able to provide him enough for anything else he needs.

I need to call him and propose our idea. I can't imagine he would say no to it, I know *I* wouldn't say no to the offer if someone was putting it out there for me and I was in a situation where I could potentially have no where else to go.

Part of me thinks I'm shocked and amazed my mom would dump this on me (and my half-sister), but at the same time, I don't think I'm all that surprised. She probably sees that since I was always daddy's girl, I will just drop everything to clean up her mess since it involves my dad needing a lot of help. All I can do is try my best. She needs to realize I have a husband also and can't just ignore his input. Luckily in this case, his input is a positive for my dad. We've been talking about investment properties a lot since July, this area just isn't quite where we intended to have our first one!

The income property sounds like a good plan, especially if it's do-able without putting a financial strain on you and your husband.
My only word of advice would be to get everything in writing; DH and I have been screwed over by family in the past because we thought "hey, it's family; of course we can trust them".
Best of luck in whatever you decide, sweetie.

Oh we will definitely have to get things in writing. My family is full of people who screw each other over. Dysfunctional is an understatement

I'm surprised my dad hasn't said his brother was going to help out somehow. His brother has tons of money, and more than one residence. Last year when my uncle bought his condo in FL, he was talking about sending my dad a pre-paid Visa to go visit him, all expenses would be covered. But my dad said my mom would get angry (I think she would have been fine with it, because they can barely stand to be around each other) and passed the offer up. I know he's been talking to his brother a lot, I expected him to mention something on that end but he hasn't.

I'm really hoping he listens to our offer and finds the positive in it. I know he'll probably be angry about not smoking inside, but I know what their house is like and I'd rather not have to try and get rid of the smell in the future. I guess we'll see. I think I'm going to write it all out in an email also, so there'll be NO reason for anyone to cross anything up and misunderstand - since that is also a given in my family that gets extremely annoying.

Oh boy. So my husband told me he came up with a "better idea" this afternoon to solve the problem of my dad being out of a place to live.

He has always wanted a garage - a big one with at least 3 bays, room for a lift, etc. Told me he'd even add a pole/aerial studio to part of it so I could benefit from it too. Well, his idea is to build the garage, minimum of 30x40ft, and add a living space for my dad in it. The only part of this that I'm sort of uncomfortable with is being so close to our house.

I do love my dad, and I know he misses me living in NC, but I worry that having him so close to us is going to turn into a "constantly over my house" thing. We told my in-laws when we moved in our house that it wasn't a free for all to come over all the time. And really they only come over if we ask them to stop by - usually we go to their house if we want to chat. I *may* be over thinking and over worrying that I will never get my privacy or solitude that I so definitely enjoy with living in my house. When I moved into my house I was SO happy to have a place to call my own and be by myself (with hubby and kitties) in, and not have to worry about anyone else around or in my space.

I don't want to feel like I will be losing my freedom to go out and do things like I do now - date nights, car meets, road trips - basically dont want to feel like I live at home again and am 16. I know I wouldn't have to ask permission, but its just a weird thought I have in my mind. When I moved away, I enjoyed the distance. Not too far away to only have rare visits, but not too close to always be obligated to visit.

I could just be over thinking it and spazzing out about it. Hubby thinks its an awesome idea (because it's his idea? ), and so does the guy he works with. Of course, hubby also gets a huge shop out of it all He says he will put the aerial studio in the upstairs rather than the living space so that my dad doesn't have to walk up so many stairs because it could begin to get hard for him over the years. Hubby thinks as long as we keep him busy, he'll be content doing his own thing. And to set ground rules ahead of time saying that we would like to retain our house being a place to unwind after work/school without having daily visits.

He also points out that this way, we could still buy an investment property in Maine, like we had planned.