advice please...really bad situation :(

gloriajh · Jun 20, 2011

Originally Posted by Carolina

Oh honey, I am so very sorry...

One thing I learned in life is that we are better off alone than in bad company... Trust me when I say.... WAY better off, and you will be alright

You need no one to make yourself happy hun, just you, and you only. Always always remember that no matter what, you will always have yourself, the most AMAZING, and the most important person to count on. Never forget that

You have Jakie too... and us

Do you really want this other woman in your life? Really? I'm glad that your are financially self-sufficient and that you haven't moved in together - that's a real advantage.

I heard someplace that men like to hunt - now that you are rejecting him, it's likely that he'll try even harder to win you back - but - back for what (?) is a question.

It's nice he's done wonderful things for you - at least you have some good memories - unless he did those wonderful things out of feelings of guilt, that is.

For your sake - find the man that's out there - waiting to love you as you deserve.

I'm so sorry to be so plain spoken, because I know you're in such pain and agony. The sooner you decide, the quicker your healing will come.

I hope the best for you.

kittkatt · Jun 20, 2011

libby74;3079066 said:
Originally Posted by ut0pia

Weird but today I get a text from the girl, saying her cat is sick and she needs help. Of course I had to offer to give her a ride to the vets office, and I gave her my vets address...

Honey, you have no idea how my jaw dropped when I read that. Seriously, what the heck is going on?! Maybe I'm just suspicious by nature, but something is seriously off. Of all the people in the world she could have called, she picked her "ex's" fiance?! She knows the two of you have issues at the moment, yet you're the one she called. I'm sorry, but IMO there is some major manipulation going on.

Click to expand...

Just why the heck would she call you of all people?

It sounds to me as if she wants to keep her foot in the door by being "nice" to you for whatever manipulative reason she has. Not good at all.

It reminds me of when my ex husband's "mistress" was trying to suck up to me so she could keep my ex in the picture: I didn't know at the time that she was his mistress, but I sure had my suspicions - which proved to be totally true. Not only was she his mistress, she ended up having his kid, too.

You say that you think he won't give up easily on you if you end things, and will try to get you back. I once had a boyfriend who used to play those games with me: He'd do something to push me away, then try reeling me back in again like a fish. I would hear all his "excuses" and false promises, too. It's a long story and I won't bore you with all the details, but I will say that it was the most confusing & heartwrenching relationship I had ever been in. Men like that are nothing but manipulators & liars: they thrive on the excitement. It's a challenge to them to see if they have that control over you. I'm not saying that your fiance is as bad as my ex was, but all the "signs" are there - and I'm worried for you. You don't want to spend years of your life with someone like that. It will leave a bad taste in your mouth for future relationships.

I'm glad to hear that you're not rushing into things now, and are being cautious. I think that if you step back and take a good look at things, you'll realize in time that you're better off with someone you can trust. There are a lot of good guys out there, and you deserve better. If you're having second thoughts, that's usually an indication that you know he's not right for you.

It will be tough going for awhile, but you can do it! We're all here for you if you need to talk.

natalie_ca · Jun 20, 2011

Originally Posted by libby74

Mariya, do I remember something about his Grandmother's ring that caused trouble with his family? There were conditions attached or something like that, and Kyle didn't stick up for you the way he should have.

Originally Posted by ut0pia

I just don't know what to do, and yes the grandmother's ring situation was really awful!! I don't know ....
There is a lot he has done for me, a lot of actions that speak volumes about how he feels about me.

So I can't just ignore all that...

Weird but today I get a text from the girl, saying her cat is sick and she needs help. Of course I had to offer to give her a ride to the vets office, and I gave her my vets address...

I haven't made up my mind yet because I just don't want to throw away something that has been good so far, and i guess in my mind, I am refusing to see this for what it really is...

Kyle has been sucking up to me all this time after me finding out about it, which only shows how manipulative he is

OMG! I'm going to be completely blunt here because I can't stand it anymore!

If you were in front of my I would shake you until you came to your senses!

You keep saying "I don't know", but the fact is that you DO KNOW but you don't want to make the decision.

What is it? Better to be with someone than alone? Wrong!!! It's better to be alone than unhappy and miserable in a relationship.

Wake up!!!! This guy is poison and is only going to keep doing what he's doing and it will ruin your life. You will end up married to this creep, have his kids and then end up finally coming to your senses years down the road only to be tied to him for the rest of your life because there is a kid involved. Wake up!

I didn't realize this was the guy and the grandmothers engagement ring. He didn't have the balls to stand up for you to his family. What a loser!

Now he's sneaking around with his ex and concealing her identity and probably told her to call you about the cat.

This guy is a lying manipulative jerk, and it won't get any better either. This punk has knocked down your self esteem to the point where you will accept anything he does and forgive him for it. Stop that!!!!

You keep saying that you don't know, but you do. Dump the guy. Make it a clean break. Don't talk to him. Don't see him. Walk away and have yourself a good life.

One day you will find someone who loves you heart and soul enough to stand up for you and to be open and honest with you and to take your feelings into consideration instead of trampling all over them. You are a worthy person and you deserve all of that and so much more.

There is a lot he has done for me, a lot of actions that speak volumes about how he feels about me.

And there are lots that he hasn't done for you that speaks volumes about how he feels for you. Like:

1. Take your feelings and desires into account.
2. Not stand up to his grandmother about that stupid ring.
3. Sneaking aound with his ex behind your back.
4. Inviting her over regardless of how you felt about it.
5. Changing her name on his phone so you wouldn't know he was talking to her.
6. Telling her to call you about the sick cat to manipulate her way into your life.

If I talked to you for even 1/2 hour I'm sure I could come up with many more.

The problem is that you are too close to the situation and can't see what an abused woman you are. If this was happening to your very best friend in the whole world, or your sister, you would see it differently.

Get out now while you still can.

ldg · Jun 20, 2011

Mariya, I'm so sorry, this really sucks.

Most of us replying know how hard it can be to let go. It's obvious you don't want to - that's natural too. You have fun together, he can be so wonderful, you have great chemistry... and no relationship is perfect. But is someone who would treat you like this someone you want to spend the rest of your life with?

When you're really in love, you want to be an open book, you want to bare your deepest secrets - and you know your feelings will not be betrayed, because you cherish your love in their totality - and they cherish you in the same way.

Don't trust your head right now. It doesn't know - because it's in conflict with your heart. Your heart knows your partner is selfish and manipulative, and you don't want to "know" that. It means you've wasted so much time and emotional investment. All of us that have been divorced know this feeling. It can be so very hard to admit "I've been wrong."

But embracing YOU can be so very liberating once you get past the hurt.

It's great that you had him cut off the relationship on the speakerphone. But do you really want to invest more time in a relationship with someone that would be in a position to need to do that after making the decision to marry you?

ducman69 · Jun 20, 2011

Here is the thing, not everyone has the same thought processes, and its especially obvious between men and females IMO.

It wouldn't even cross my mind to think that my girlfriend would be emotionally traumatized by my inviting a buddy over for a short visit. If she didn't want to meet him/her, that's cool we'd just hang in the kitchen or hang outside on the patio and leave her alone. And if she suddenly took off when my friend arrived... I'd just be confused, as I think most guys would.

I am friends with all but one of my ex's. If I knew I had a current girlfriend that was insecure about that and worse was digging through my personal items and snooping, then I would probably do the same thing and put her under a different name to avoid a drama fest as its just simpler as the path of least resistance. And personally, if my SO thought she could decide who I am and am not allowed to associate with, especially when I've known them long before the relationship even started... I'd be pretty miffed.

And a quick reality check, but while I don't know the guy, who the heck would invite over the ex if he had any secret romantic intentions? I would invite the ex over to a hotel, not to meet my current girlfriend while she was home, that's just common sense. I also wouldn't have someone I was having an affair with programmed into my contacts under any name and be introducing her to my GF, again that doesn't really make sense.

I definitely agree though, if you don't feel secure or trusting in your relationship as it seems you clearly don't, its time to reevaluate things.

carolina · Jun 20, 2011

Originally Posted by Ducman69

And a quick reality check, but while I don't know the guy, who the heck would invite over the ex if he had any secret romantic intentions? I would invite the ex over to a hotel, not to meet my current girlfriend while she was home, that's just common sense. Curious... have you have you cheated? Common sense to you, but believe you me, it happens. It happened to me. Not only my ex-husband invited his mistress to come to the house, but to dinner with me and her friends afterwards. Yep, it SO happens!

Especially when talking about an affair. A one time fling... sure... motel, car, whatever - but an affair... ah, there is no common sense in an affair. I also wouldn't have someone I was having an affair with programmed into my contacts under any name, again that doesn't really make sense. Really, and just how would you communicate with that person? Public phone?

This one is a common common one.

..............................

ut0pia · Jun 20, 2011

Originally Posted by LDG

When you're really in love, you want to be an open book, you want to bare your deepest secrets - and you know your feelings will not be betrayed, because you cherish your love in their totality - and they cherish you in the same way.

This is just it Laurie, you said it so well, and I don't think I could EVER want to be an open book to Kyle ever again...
In fact, I don't feel the inclination to share anything with him anymore

I told him I need time to decide if we will continue with this or not. And not to rush me. He said take as long as you need. I really just want to forget he exists and ever existed for as long as I can get away with it...

yosemite · Jun 20, 2011

My husband did things like that - hiding phone number by writing them backwards, lying about really little stupid things. It took 33 years but he finally showed his true colours. I wish I had heeded the signs and dumped him then instead of when I'm 64 years old and being kicked to the curb so to speak.

You need to get rid of this guy and you already know it. Hopefully you will find the strength within to do it.

ut0pia · Jun 20, 2011

Originally Posted by Ducman69

If I knew I had a current girlfriend that was insecure about that and worse was digging through my personal items and snooping, then I would probably do the same thing and put her under a different name to avoid a drama fest as its just simpler as the path of least resistance.

Would you really, because to me, the right thing to do in that situation would be to break up with the current girlfriend. If she is snooping and insecure, why be with her anyway, isn't it better to confront her and end things if it came to that than lie to her??

ducman69 · Jun 20, 2011

Originally Posted by Carolina

Curious... have you have you cheated? Common sense to you, but believe you me, it happens. It happened to me. Not only my ex-husband invited his mistress to come to the house, but to dinner with me and her friends afterwards. Yep, it SO happens! Especially when talking about an affair. A one time fling... sure... motel, car, whatever - but an affair... ah, there is no common sense in an affair.

That's probably for the best then, as I wouldn't want to be with someone that was THAT dimwitted!

Originally Posted by Carolina

Really, and just how would you communicate with that person? Public phone? This one is a common common one.

Huh? You use your phone like normal, you just wouldn't program them in as a permanent contact if really trying to be secretive. But if there are guys inviting over mistresses to dinner, then apparently common sense isn't as universal as I thought.

I can only speak for myself, but I also don't see why I would invest all this time and effort into winning someone back if I wasn't very much interested in being with her, not someone else. All and all, it just seems more plausible that the guy is just being, well, a guy. *shrugs*

Originally Posted by ut0pia

Would you really, because to me, the right thing to do in that situation would be to break up with the current girlfriend. If she is snooping and insecure, why be with her anyway, isn't it better to confront her and end things if it came to that than lie to her??

Because people are imperfect, and every woman I have ever known has had some kind of flaw. If she was cute, caring, smart, fun to be with, but just insecure I'd try to work around the one problem.

feralvr · Jun 20, 2011

libby74;3079066 said:
Originally Posted by ut0pia

Weird but today I get a text from the girl, saying her cat is sick and she needs help. Of course I had to offer to give her a ride to the vets office, and I gave her my vets address...

Honey, you have no idea how my jaw dropped when I read that. Seriously, what the heck is going on?! Maybe I'm just suspicious by nature, but something is seriously off. Of all the people in the world she could have called, she picked her "ex's" fiance?! She knows the two of you have issues at the moment, yet you're the one she called. I'm sorry, but IMO there is some major manipulation going on.

Click to expand...

my sentiments exactly. This is outrageous that she called you about the cat. Please take yourself out of this mess. There is some sort of game going on here. This has been a shock to you on alot of levels. And actually, Kyle should be livid that SHE called you at all.

You need to put yourself first right now and remove yourself from this drama. Take a step back to breathe, think and decide where you want to go from here.

carolina · Jun 20, 2011

Originally Posted by ut0pia

Would you really, because to me, the right thing to do in that situation would be to break up with the current girlfriend. If she is snooping and insecure, why be with her anyway, isn't it better to confront her and end things if it came to that than lie to her??

Or what about just RESPECTING your fiancee enough to not do what breaks her heart? CARING about her enough to talk to her and build her TRUST? Isn't that what a MAN would do? Or you want a immature boy that needs to lie to you to get his way? (supposing he is not cheating on you?)
If, and big if, he is not cheating on you, he has shown absolute disregard for you - his fiancee... Lack of respect, lack of care, on the top of breaking the trust. Is that any better?

ut0pia · Jun 20, 2011

Originally Posted by Carolina

Or what about just RESPECTING your fiancee enough to not do what breaks her heart? CARING about her enough to talk to her and build her TRUST? Isn't that what a MAN would do? Or you want a immature boy that needs to lie to you to get his way? (supposing he is not cheating on you?)
If, and big if, he is not cheating on you, he has shown absolute disregard for you - his fiancee... Lack of respect, lack of care, on the top of breaking the trust. Is that any better?

Exactly I am not even considering the cheating part because I have no proof, being the logical person that I am, I can't really base my gut feeling to be proof in this case, it's just not how my mind works.
But even considering that he is not cheating, I am still completely heartbroken, sad and I am still wanting to dump him..because of the lack of respect and the lying...

And for the record I stumbled upon that text, his phone was right next to me and messages kept popping up, he has an iphone so the message itself shows on the screen, not a "you have 1 new text message", and when I saw his ex's husbands name show up within a message, I knew it was her, not "Jason" a supposed co worker who wouldn't know her at all...I knew because her husband's name has a very unique spelling, so chances it was someone else would be extremely low..
And, when I ask more about Jason he keeps making up lies about how he is his co worker who has cats and he thinks he's gay and has a crush on him, but he keeps talking to him even though he knows Kyle is straight and engaged..
Oh boy just writing out his lies makes them all the more real and more serious- and to make things even worse, he immediately deleted the text with the husbands name and kept saying to me he doesn't know what I'm talking about, it must have been my imagination, and I have no trust in him to think it's his ex!!! He threw a fit over how I don't trust him...I ignored it and all I did was write down the number so I can look up whose name it belongs to later...
So, I wouldn't say I was snooping and looking at his private things for no reason, it just happened that I saw that one text and when I saw it I knew something was not right...

carolina · Jun 20, 2011

Originally Posted by ut0pia

And, when I ask more about Jason he keeps making up lies about how he is his co worker who has cats and he thinks he's gay and has a crush on him, but he keeps talking to him even though he knows Kyle is straight and engaged..

Ok... Here we go... It does get worst and worst... This is my point. If there was nothing there, why would he be making all these elaborate lies? To Ducman69's point - even if guys think differently, even if they don't want to deal with the drama - why, just why would they go as far as creating a gay co-worker who has a cat, and the whole life details behind "Jason"?

It is just too many lies... There is no way about it.... I am sorry...
Plus, if you are this stupid and weak to have to lie to not "Deal" with emotions, sorry, but you wouldn't deserve a second of my darn time and a milliliter of my heart. Want a relationship? Fist become a man, then we talk.

Originally Posted by ut0pia

Oh boy just writing out his lies makes them all the more real and more serious- and to make things even worse, he immediately deleted the text with the husbands name and kept saying to me he doesn't know what I'm talking about, it must have been my imagination, and I have no trust in him to think it's his ex!!! He threw a fit over how I don't trust him...I ignored it and all I did was write down the number so I can look up whose name it belongs to later...
So, I wouldn't say I was snooping and looking at his private things for no reason, it just happened that I saw that one text and when I saw it I knew something was not right...

There you go... typical manipulative game of throwing the blame on you.... Brother.... This guy goes from bad to worst.

carolina · Jun 20, 2011

Originally Posted by Ducman69

Huh? You use your phone like normal, you just wouldn't program them in as a permanent contact if really trying to be secretive. But if there are guys inviting over mistresses to dinner, then apparently common sense isn't as universal as I thought.

What you mean about common sense? Common sense would be to break up a relationship then start another, and not have an affair in a way that you won't be caught. There is no common sense in having an affair IMHO.

natalie_ca · Jun 20, 2011

Originally Posted by ut0pia

And for the record I stumbled upon that text, his phone was right next to me and messages kept popping up, he has an iphone so the message itself shows on the screen, not a "you have 1 new text message", and when I saw his ex's husbands name show up within a message, I knew it was her, not "Jason" a supposed co worker who wouldn't know her at all...I knew because her husband's name has a very unique spelling, so chances it was someone else would be extremely low..
And, when I ask more about Jason he keeps making up lies about how he is his co worker who has cats

Ok, let me get this straight.

You looked up the number and confirmed it is his ex girl friend? But you didn't tell him that you did that, but you did tell him that you know that "Jason" is not a co-worker and that he in fact changed the name of his ex on his cell phone? And he still denies that "Jason" is is ex girl friend?

Girl, if you stay with him after all of this, all I can tell you is that I have a very big bridge that is located in San Franciso that I would like to sell you for a really good price.

tink80 · Jun 21, 2011

oh boy. my first ever boyfriend was like this and i stayed for too long because it was my first relationship and didn't know any better.
he is going to manipulate you and make you feel crazy and paranoid and that it's your fault...it's not even worth arguing with him.
just run away. run away now. FAST. with your ears plugged so you won't have to listen to his lies anymore.

nekomania · Jun 21, 2011

All this dilly dallying about cheating and not cheating...

Here I am sitting and thinking...

I would never in my life want to be with a guy who would let me leave, get in my car, and drive off if I'd been drinking. That alone speaks volumes. And his careless "see ya later then" text message is just the icing on the cake.

I am quite sure that no one is here to judge you and we all want whats best, even if we'd each individually go about it a different way. What matters is, in the end, regardless of what you decide to do everyone will be thinking about you. And they'll all be here for you in the end.

rosiemac · Jun 21, 2011

Originally Posted by capt_jordi

You wouldnt be annoyed and confused if a friend just called up and said "yeah sorry we cant be friends anymore?" I think I would be... esp. considering that the ex came first.

It's not a question of who was first on the scene?!. And no, l wouldn't be annoyed, because l would fully understand how the girl would be feeling having an ex hanging around. I wouldn't stay friends with an ex anyway and i'd respect his new relationship by keeping my distance.

Infact, l personally find it strange that people can be friends with their ex when so much has went on in their lives?!.

Originally Posted by ut0pia

Weird but today I get a text from the girl, saying her cat is sick and she needs help. Of course I had to offer to give her a ride to the vets office, and I gave her my vets address...

Have you heard that saying "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer". Sounds like this is what she's doing with you?.

At the end of the day your the person that has to live with the situation so only you can decide on what path you want to go down

trouts mom · Jun 21, 2011

Honestly, if it was me, it would be very hard for DH to earn the trust back after something like that.

I think it would take counseling, and for your FH to not see that girl anymore.

Let him know you're not forcing him to be with you, and if he prefers to make contact with other women and lie to you then maybe you're not the girl for him. Nobody deserves that trickiness behind their back.

If everything is on the up and up, what does he even have to hide?

advice please...really bad situation :(

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