I could use some support...

This is very hard for me to post...and, as such, I'm not going to go into too much detail...

But, that being said, I don't know where else, but TCS, I feel comfortable sharing this information. I think some members may be aware, but I haven't posted too much about this topic. And, the reason for that is because it's not something I want posted all over the internet. But, I have suffered with eating disorders since I was 8 years old (anorexia and bulimia). As a teenager and young adult, I was in treatment frequently - sometimes even in the hospital for extended periods of time. Well, for the last 4 years, I've been more often recovered than sick. And, I've not needed constant monitoring for approximately 2 years (though I've continued on in therapy and have more frequent doctor's appointments than the average 27 year old). But, for the last, well, 3 months, I've been slipping some. Not too much at first. But, a little slip plus another slip plus another slip has landed me near relapse. And, thus, I could really use some support or vibes or prayers or whatever.

I'm under the care of my doctor as well as a therapist. I'm not in terrible shape. But, I'm also struggling to maintain my weight and not lose. Ideally, I need to gain. I am eating, but I am also having a hard time not exercising as much as I feel is necessary. It's definitely a struggle to get in what I need each day food and fluid wise. I have had many consequences from my eating disorder and know that I can't afford (emotionally or physically) to slip much further. And, per my doctors and treatment team (including a nutritionist who has formulated a meal plan for me), I will be monitored through more frequent appointments and some support/treatment groups. If, in a reasonable amount of time, I'm not improving, I will need to look into more intensive treatment options. But, we're not there yet -- and support groups with qualified staff are my first line. It's hard, but I am willing to do what is necessary to nip this in the bud. I'm kind of holding steady, but I've learned that if I'm not moving forward, I may move back. And, even though I'm stubborn and fearful, I know that that is not an option.

I just feel as though I needed to share this here. I'm not sure why -- I just feel that since TCS is a part of my life, I need to be authentic and genuine here. And, that means putting this out there. I don't want to say much more than this on the forum where it can be read by the general public, but I am an open person and, if anyone struggles with similar issues, you're more than welcome to PM me. I am going to my first support group tonight (it's a treatment group) and I'm nervous, but I know I have many people here who care about me and who will be thinking good thoughts for me. That is something I so appreciate about TCS. So, please, if you could, your prayers would mean the world to me tonight and going forward. I've been down this path before and it's a struggle, but putting this out there is helping me be accountable not only to my treatment team, but to myself as well. Thank you for allowing me to do that.

One last thing, I'd like this thread to just be about support and my needing to put this out there. If you have more specific questions, I'd prefer to go to PM as this is a public forum (meaning others not a part of TCS could read this). <-- I hope that's okay to post.

(Oh, and don't worry, chocolate is still all good as far as SS is concerned . The chocolate I received (and ate) that my SS sent me earlier was a huge incentive toward getting well. Because, even though there's a blip in my road to full-fledged recovery, I will get there.)

I am so sorry hun that you are struggling with this, you WILL beat it and I am glad you are getting help. I agree TCS is a great place to air youyr problems, we are all one big family and I believe people on here have helped me overcome some really tough times and I hope we can do the same for you.xx

Originally Posted by Ruthyb

I am so sorry hun that you are struggling with this, you WILL beat it and I am glad you are getting help. I agree TCS is a great place to air youyr problems, we are all one big family and I believe people on here have helped me overcome some really tough times and I hope we can do the same for you.xx

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I couldn't agree more with the above, its a one day at a time Outlook to have and we are all here to support you

Good for you for having the courage to speak about your struggles. our secrets can make us sick. You have my full support--I've battled different demons in my life and they can be beaten. One day at a time, sweetie--and you have the desire to get better. So you've opened that door, now just get through it. We'll be here.

You know you can post this here because we are your friends! We love you and care about you. We want to be there for you no matter what. You are a strong girl, and I know that you have the strength to get through this.

Many many to get past this and nip it in the bud. You have a great support system here at TCS and we are here to listen and help as much as we can.

I just sent you a PM! I'm struggling with something similar, and it really sucks.

I'm not sure what to say, but I wanted to offer hugs.

Alison, first off, You are a strong, beautiful woman and you are going to come up stronger from this experience. Take things minute by minute.

I've watched my best friend Renae struggle with her eating disorders (anorexia/bulemia/body dysmorphic (sp?) disorder) for several years now. I asked her if she would mind me sharing her story with you and she said that she didn't mind, so here's a bit of what she's gone through...

Although it's heartbreaking to watch at times, I've tried to stick by her through thick and thin (we've been best friends since we were in middle school.) Two of the most difficult times included two different hospitilizations for her because her kidneys started to shut down as a result of all of the eating related issues. She's a fighter though and made full recoveries thankfully Her parents put her into couseling and that has helped her a lot! The counselor/psychiatrist has helped to teach her how to cope when she gets the urge to work out too much, starve herself, or binge. Renae has also shared those coping tools with me as well, so when I notice her having an "off day" I'm able to talk her through things. I think the most benificial things in her recovery as well has been her going to outpatient group meetings (like you're talking about attending!) They had overeaters and anorexia/bulemia patients all sharing their stories in the same group...I think it helped her to hear both sides of the story and learn that she's not alone.

Even though she will always have these eating disorders and has to make a daily decision to take care of her body she has done incredably well! (similar to the way a recovering alcoholic makes a daily decision to stay sober). She has learned that it's perfectly normal to enjoy a piece of chocolate and not feel guilty, juts like it is safe for her to work out in moderation. Renae is still dealing with the way these conditions have damaged her body though -she is only 24 and she has osteoparosis from the lack of nutrition. She has also delt with severe kidney and anemia issues as well as having her monthly cycle affected too. Thankfully though, she has some good doctors/specialists that are all working together to help her out and Renae has a really strong resolve to continue on with her recovery. I think that you are being soo brave right now love because you have learned to recognize when you're starting to slip before you fall completly off track. That's amazing that you know how to recognize that- it will be helpful in your recovery. Stay strong hun, you will be just fine. Also, make friends and learn to lean on the people in your support group- they will be your life line on your weak days

You've got my support, Alison. I don't know personally what it's like, but my best friend (also a family member) was in the hospital for months due to anorexia, it nearly killed her, and it hurt us all so bad to see her so ill. She has been in very good shape for over 5 years now, married 2 years ago and had a baby 11 months ago. I honestly think meeting her husband has helped her tremendously as well. So while she's still very conscious of things, she also has pledged to keep herself HEALTHY. I wish you all the best in the world that you will be able to do the same. I think it's great that you're planning on continuing treatment andgoing to group sessions, I hope it helps you as much as you want it to.

You've been through so much lately. Please know that I will be thinking about you and praying for you.

I decided to come back to this post to share more due to all of the kindness I have received. But, this is still something I carry close to the vest, so to speak, and so it's difficult to open up completely...

I had my first outpatient group this evening. I should have been more clear when I wrote about it as it is an intensive group run by doctors, therapists, and nutritionists. And, we are made to eat a meal there and, as I found out, a snack as well. There were also two groups. It is a treatment facility that does intensive outpatient and day treatment groups as well as regular therapies and support groups. Because I've been through hospitalizations and intensive and day treatment programs before, my doctor and therapist pushed me to attend this group on Wednesdays in the hope that it gets me back on track before I need to go 3-5 days per week or, worse, need to be hospitalized. During this time, I'm also having twice weekly therapy and doctor's visits. Last week, my doctor threatened hospitalization following some lab work and an exam (which showed, for me, a dramatic weight loss). The fact that we're moving slowly in this direction rather than rushing into more intensive treatment is a gift and one I need to take seriously.

I'm not sick enough to be admitted to the hospital, but if I were to continue in this direction, it wouldn't be long before I was. However, I am having some serious complications from my eating disorder in that my lab values and electrolytes have been off and my weight has dropped to a potentially unsafe level. The treatment center assessed me this evening and recommend more intensive treatment to start (3x weekly, 4 hours each visit), but, for now, I have a couple of weeks to show improvement. And, as long as I'm moving in the right direction, I can avoid that recommendation. But, it's going to take some hard work on my part. I have a number of health issues related to my eating disorder (including osteopoenia -- a precursor to osteoperosis, kidney damage, liver damage, intestinal issues, ulcers of my esophagus, and some cardiac involvement). And, I also have health issues not related, but a concern nonetheless. I've been skating by for a while now and that has to stop. And, while I'm grateful to have these opportunities presented to me, I'm also scared. This is a blessing and, while it's painful and terrifying, I have the chance to turn it around and get well again. It's hard to admit I'm sick now, but I am. However, even though I may balk and fight, I am also capable of being and staying well. I was well for many years. And, I will be again...

So, it means so much to me that everyone has been so supportive. I was afraid to post at first since I feared backlash. I don't want to be seen as pitiful or pathetic. But, I should have known that those here aren't capable of that kind of mistreatment. Thank you for all being here...not only for me, but for everyone. I love you all (yes, that's me being sappy, but it's true).

Oh Alison, you should know better than to think we would shun you or scold you for being sick, or for any issue. At the risk of sounding cheesy because I don't even know you, I am hurting for you. Like I said, I haven't personally experienced what you are going through, but reading your story makes me remember what my best friend went through. It made me feel so small and powerless because I couldn't help. I hated it. I don't really know what or exactly when her turning point was, but I am so happy she is still here, and doing well.

It's absolutely none of any of our business what you're going through, but from what you said in this thread, it sounds like you do realise what your situation is, physically and mentally. Most encouraging is that you sound like you want to make the effort to get well. I want you to get well.

Please feel free to pm me for any reason, any time. Or not.

I hope you continue to want to get better. Because you deserve to be well!

I have no advice, Alison, just love and support.