conflicted...could use advice?

**warning, long rambling post!!**
I got engaged in Feb 09, to a man I had met just 4 1/2 months prior, at age 25. My (now) husband was 28. While we had not known each other for a very long time, we both felt confident in our decision to become engaged, and were very happy together. Before actually proposing, my husband contacted my parents to inform them of his intentions (something that at the time was important to me. I had grown up always seeking my parents approval and wanted them to be okay with us becoming engaged) and they said they were happy for us. We began planning a wedding for Sept 09.
Right from the beginning, wedding planning was hard. My mother thought we would not have enough time, but I had always thought fall weddings were beautiful and wanted one. We began butting heads right away. She didn't like the small wedding we had planned, the location or really much about it. The day we brought pictures to her, to show the location, she cried but wouldnt say anything to me about it. She always complained that she didn't feel included but also hated everything I wanted. It was always "this is not the wedding i dreamed of for my only daughter" etc. We were paying for the ceremony, they were paying for the reception.
We chose to have a small ceremony in TN. Just the two of us, with my parents/siblings. My husbands parents are deceased, and he is not close with his siblings, so we wanted small ceremony, and everyone (about 150-200) were invited to a reception celebrating the marriage. My parents ended up feeling that the rest of the family would feel slighted and upset if they were not invited to the wedding. At their insistence, we invited up to 20 additional family members (at additional cost to us, as our ceremony site was only for up to 14 people, so we had to pay extra for additional people/possibly move the site).
In June 09 my parents came to the house my husband and I had just moved into. They had decided they no longer approved of us getting married. They felt my husband was controlling (that he was making me give up friends, and my dream wedding....which was not true. I was settling into a more domesticated life, my best friend had recently been married so we didn't see each other as much, and I wanted a wedding that suited both my husband and I, so he and I compromised on what we wanted)
It was a heck of a lot more then that. My parents had investigated him to try and find reasons for us not to be together. They did find a couple things in his past, however they are things he had disclosed to me, and nothing that would stop him from getting a job much less having a healthy relationship...However they felt that if he was going to be my husband, he needed to share every single detail of his past with them (which I felt was not okay for them to demand). The things they said and the way they handled things (in addition to other things I can't get into) lead to my parents not being invited to our wedding and us not having a relationship with them.
Twice, right before the wedding, my mother tried to tell me they were okay with us getting married now, and wanted to come, to which I declined. I had already sent out letters to everyone invited, letting them know we were planning to elope in a private ceremony, and that we would still hold a reception, only a small one at our home for family. So trying to become invited within a month of the wedding was not okay.
Throughout the past year, I have seen them a couple times. At Christmas, my mother cried...when I told her that our wedding pictures were lost. She accused me of trying to keep them uninvolved in the wedding, when infact our pictures were lost and I was completely broken up about it. Each time I have seen them it has been awkward, and uncomfortable and ends in my mother crying because I am not around. THey don't try to apologize, they stand by what they did and expect us to just forgive them and move on with things, like nothing happened, which is hard for both my husband and I. There is a lot that went on under the surface that I didn't get into in this post, so just imagine having your parents basically find fault with your spouse for something that is not your spouses fault and having your spouse feel completely betrayed by them.
If youre still reading, thanks. Sorry its long...the real point of the post..
My older brother is getting married soon. His wedding is 6 hours away from my home. My husband will not be going with me, as he refuses to be around my parents. I want to go because it is my brothers wedding and I want to be there to congratulate him. However, we have been having money issues, and fighting about the cost of my going to the wedding. Our cars keep acxting up, so I am going to have to rent a car for the day to get down there. We can't really afford a hotel room for the night, and we have no one to come watch the cats for the night. I am sure the cats will be fine, but we don't even know if we can afford christmas at this point, and the wedding is in Nov, so we are trying to watch our finances.
We ended up decided to rent a car, drive to the ceremony, and leave immediatly after. My husband won't go in for the ceremony, but I don't think I could drive there and back alone in the same day, so I begged him to at least come help with the drive. If we stayed overnight, we would have to pay for a hotel and an additional day on the rental car.
So basically, I am going down for the ceremony only, and skipping the reception. I kind of feel like I am being a bad person for skipping the reception. I have not told him yet that I won't be there for it. A couple of my friends said they honestly just would not go. I don't feel like that is an option I guess...I don't like hurting people or making them mad, and while I don't see my family often or talk to them often, I wouldn't want to hurt my brother by missing his wedding.
Is it stupid to drive down there just for the ceremony? Aside from not being able to afford to stay, a part of me is selfishly choosing to not go to the reception. I can't even watch wedding shows without breaking down. I hated my wedding. Our ceremony was rained out, so it was inside, just my husband and i, I had no wedding dress, I looked awful and we lost all our pictures. Our reception, just as bad. I spend all day cooking for a reception at our house, where only about 20 of the 60 invited guests showed up. Half my moms family declined to come, because my parents were not invited. Friends showed up super late. Barely anyone ate. Out of my three closest friends who were supposed to be bridesmaids, two didn't show up, and one showed up an hour and a half late because she forgot to try and get off work that day. I know the wedding is just a day, but I have been depressed over what happened with mine for the past year. That, plus how uncomfortable I feel around my parents, and the way certain family members try to push us together, I just think it would be wise to not attend the reception. (Last christmas, as soon as I walked into the family celebration, i said hello to some people, and my aunt told me I needed to go speak to my parents and made a scene about it infront of people...it was awful)
Basically, I am just trying to find out if I should be upset, just need to get over everything or what. I honestly don't know that I ever can just get over the things that happened, nor do I want to. Its been a lifetime of parental control leading up to them trying to map out my life for me, and I chose to not follow what they wanted. I don't want to hurt anyone by not attending the wedding, so I am trying to show some support in going to the ceremony, without putting an additional financial strain on my life and causing more emotional pain to myself.

Oh hun, what a heartbreaking story!

I'm SO sorry for all of the events surrounding your wedding. I think it was sweet of you to respect your parents in the sense of wanting their approval to get married. Once they gave that approval, it's just a shame they back tracked and everything unfolded the way it did. Given that they never apologized, I don't blame you one bit for what happened after that.

However, how to manage your relationship going forward is up to you. They've made that pretty clear saying they don't see any reason to apologize. You can either accept what happened, and let it become a thing of the past, or not.

Parent-child relationships can be REALLY difficult when the parents just aren't able to see their kid as an adult. My mom had that problem. It was SO strange whenever we'd go visit her parents. She'd always start ACTING more like a kid than like the "mom" I knew. Her parents always intimidated her (even though all I ever saw was incredibly wonderful grandparents LOL). Nothing like what happened to you happened to her - but I use it just to illustrate part of the issue. I think you did a whole lot of becoming independent really quickly. It's unfortunate it was their reaction to your wedding that did it. Sadly, that was apparently part of the problem. It became YOUR wedding, not your mom's. I'm sorry - she does owe you an apology for THAT.

As to your brother.... I think making the effort to get down there despite the financial difficulties is REALLY sweet. I know you haven't told him yet you won't be staying for the reception - but I'd use that phone call to talk to him a little bit, to tell him it's really important to you to be at the ceremony for him because of everything you went through with your wedding, but because of financial constraints, you won't be able to stay for the reception. Surely he'll understand?

I don't think it's crazy to try to go. I'm sorry it's caused the tension it has between you and DH - but things being tight financially ALWAYS causes stress. But if something like this came up in Gary's life, I'd forego Christmas for family, and what's important to him. Christmas doesn't have to be about the money spent on gifts - there are plenty of gifts that can be given that require no money at all.

One thing I would consider... because you lost your wedding photos, maybe start saving up for another wedding. There's no harm (IMO) in renewing your vows. You can either make it a little ceremony for just the two of you, and don't bother even telling anyone about it. Or you can use it to help repair the family relationships - if your mom is willing to apologize for trying to control your original wedding. She may not want to apologize for trying to break you two up. But THAT came about (as I understand it) from her feeling like you weren't getting the wedding she thought you ought to get - and that's the root of the problem. So maybe this idea is a compromise that could help patch things up between you, DH, and your mum and dad - down the road.

I'm sorry you're wedding didn't go as planned. It sounds as though you had a lot on you, with cooking for your own reception, not to mention the emotional discord with your family.

I would make an effort to be there for my brother on his wedding day. It would mean a lot to him, much more so than friends or cousins showing up. I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings.

I hope that you and DH can patch things up with your parents. I know you're both hurt, too, but they're important people to have in your life. Even though your mom hasn't apologized, it sounds like she is very upset at the turn your relationship has taken. I can understand why DH would resent the way he's been treated, but maybe things will improve in the future.

How does your brother feel about your husband? Because if he has no problem with him you two should really both be together for this. If you're not people, like your parents, may take it as a sign the relationship is in trouble and start meddling more.
Besides, he's your husband, he has a right to be there with you.

Originally Posted by frankthetank

...She didn't like the small wedding we had planned, the location or really much about it. The day we brought pictures to her, to show the location, she cried but wouldnt say anything to me about it. She always complained that she didn't feel included but also hated everything I wanted. It was always "this is not the wedding i dreamed of for my only daughter" etc....

Click to expand...

Yikes, your mother sounds like she has narcissistic personality disorder. My mother does, too, and it is HORRIBLY difficult to be around people with NPD, they have no empathy and everything, everything is always about them! Others are simply to be used for their purposes. So you get a lot of hugs from me!

You asked for advice, so here is mine. Don't ever again try to get approval from your mother, it will never ever happen, in fact it's best to drop the idea altogether. Nothing you say or do will ever be good enough for her, probably you don't have the job she wants, or wear your hair "right" either. In fact, the best way to NOT get something is to ask a narcissist for it.

You don't mention your father much, he seems to be in the background of all of this, going along with your mother. Maybe there is hope to have a relationship with him again some day, you have to make the call on that.

Now, your husband... he needs to stand by you no matter what. You are going to your brother's wedding so he must go, too. He needs to publicly show that you both are united in your decisions by attending the wedding together. As a couple, you cannot let your mother call the shots for your lives, don't make decisions based on what your mother does or doesn't do, let it go. I'm guessing your childhood was pretty crappy; don't let her ruin your adult life, too.

If your husband refuses to go because your parents are there, he is being as petty as them, and is thinking only of himself.

Going to the wedding only is fine, make sure your brother and his wife see that you are there. If you go to the reception, an easy comment to any remarks is, "Thank you for your opinion."

If you get asked questions say, "We are here to celebrate my brother's happy day, this is not the time to discuss such things."

I'm sorry about your wedding. I hope you can take comfort in the fact that nobody's wedding ever goes as planned. I'm sending you good wishes and blessings.

Hi Danielle! Just go to the ceremony, I think that's enough. You don't have to go to the reception. I also think that your husband doesn't have to go if he doesn't want to. Trying to force one's spouse to do something he doesn't want to do is a complete waste of energy.

One thing I learned years ago in my marriage is that I don't have to attend family functions if I don't want to. Nobody cares!

Originally Posted by LDG

I'm SO sorry for all of the events surrounding your wedding. I think it was sweet of you to respect your parents in the sense of wanting their approval to get married. Once they gave that approval, it's just a shame they back tracked and everything unfolded the way it did. Given that they never apologized, I don't blame you one bit for what happened after that.

However, how to manage your relationship going forward is up to you. They've made that pretty clear saying they don't see any reason to apologize. You can either accept what happened, and let it become a thing of the past, or not.

Click to expand...

I come from a very dysfunctional home, and my parents both died when I was a teenager.

Today, at 48 years, I regret so much for not forgiving my Mom and Dad for their indiscretions towards me. You only have one set of parents and believe it or not, no matter how bad your relationship was, in time when they are no longer around, you do have regrets.

It sounds like they made efforts to mend fences without actually coming out and saying "I'm sorry!" So maybe that is enough?

Perhaps this wedding is a way to get you and your husband and your parents back on track. It might take time, but someone has to make the first step. Sounds like your parents tried before you were married but you declined. Maybe it's your turn now to make the effort and go to the wedding...with your husband

I think it would be very worthwhile for you to read the book Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud. Boundaries are what is needed in this relationship for it to be able to work on any level.
If at all possible for you I would go for your brother/his new wife and bring your husband and have a good time.
Sounds like you have a lot of stress, what types of things are you doing to help manage it all?
I know you said money is tight, do you have insurance? Maybe you could speak with a therapist?

Thanks for actually reading my loooong post...and for you replies.
A few things I didn't mention:
1. My husband refuses to forgive them, ever. He has told me that, probably a million times. I have tried to tell him that it would look so much better if he went to the ceremony with me...but he won't. Last Christmas, my brothers who both live out of town, came into town for the holidays and stayed with my parents. I chose to not go to my parents for the holidays (saw them at a different large family celebration) and spend Christmas day with my husband. We invited my brothers over to exchange gifts. They declined, and spent the day with my parents and some other family members at a bowling alley. I invited them over a couple other times that week, they kept putting it off. They repeatedly asked me to come to my parents instead, and I offered to meet them somewhere halfway. They didn't want to come to my house. So eventually, the last night they were in town, they came over to exchange gifts and stayed for about 20 minutes. They were in town for a whole week, and not one time even tried to see me, even when I asked...except when they invited me to go places with my parents. Basically, my husband is not a fan of my brothers bc of that...and because everytime they have been in town since, they have not tried to see me. My younger brother did once, but that is all. I only ever even know they are in town thru facebook. Also, on my birthday, they told me happy birthday on facebook. No text,call, anything. That was it.
2. I don't know that I can forgive my parents. I know, you have only one set of parents basicallym and family is supposed to be there through everything, but had I written out every single thing that happened and the way i felt through everything, it might be more understandable. Basically, I spent my entire life trying to please them and live up to their standards, and the ONE time I do something without putting the way they will feel first, I am basically an outcast. I don't want to live that way anymore.

At this point, I am thinking of asking my aunt who is going also, who is one of the only family members who stays in contact with me, to see if there is any way I can ride down with her. I don't know what I would do about a hotel room, try to pick up some babysitting shifts, or sell some stuff I own....IDK. But DH and I are fighting like crazy over this and I am just sick of it. I have already been depressed for awhile, I am sick of fighting on top of things. He wants to sit in the car during the ceremony. They are getting married on a college campus, on game day. I told him to drop me off, go do something for an hour, and come back and get me but he thinks traffic is going to be bad (and have anxiety and BP issues) so he doesn't want to drive in bad traffic.
He can be a jerk sometimes about things like this, and it drives me up the wall. I know he is hurt by what my parents did and the things they said about him, but he takes it out on me sometimes, and he is definitely doing that surrounding this wedding. I am so stressed out it is making me sick.

Originally Posted by cococat

I think it would be very worthwhile for you to read the book Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud. Boundaries are what is needed in this relationship for it to be able to work on any level.
If at all possible for you I would go for your brother/his new wife and bring your husband and have a good time.
Sounds like you have a lot of stress, what types of things are you doing to help manage it all?
I know you said money is tight, do you have insurance? Maybe you could speak with a therapist?

Click to expand...

I don't do anything for stress relief except cry all the time. I feel like a crazy person. I am always sad, mad, stressed, i dont even know. I feel like I am living in a tiny little dark closet all by myself and I have no one to ever turn to. I do have insurance, good insurance...and a fear of doctors. Growing up, my parents used to tell me my "depression" was just teenage angst and I would get over it and that therapists are useless. So I guess I have a phobia of going to one. I feel like they will just tell me its life and to deal with it.

You have a lot going on, and it's true that "that's life" but if you go to a doctor seeking help, you will be taken seriously. It's too bad your husband cannot see that attending the wedding would be something he does for you, not for your parents or brother.

On a side note, and this is a touchy thing to propose and I apologize in advance if I'm way off base, but is your husband very controlling? Granted, your mother was WRONG to try to control your wedding and say horrible things to your husband, but I've seen more than once a marriage when one spouse slowly alienates the other's friends and family; there is some need to be the only one in his/her spouse's life. If you think that is the case, please be careful!

Originally Posted by SwampWitch

You have a lot going on, and it's true that "that's life" but if you go to a doctor seeking help, you will be taken seriously. It's too bad your husband cannot see that attending the wedding would be something he does for you, not for your parents or brother.

On a side note, and this is a touchy thing to propose and I apologize in advance if I'm way off base, but is your husband very controlling? Granted, your mother was WRONG to try to control your wedding and say horrible things to your husband, but I've seen more than once a marriage when one spouse slowly alienates the other's friends and family; there is some need to be the only one in his/her spouse's life. If you think that is the case, please be careful!

Click to expand...

No he isnt. This is really the only thing he is acting controlling about...and things have been more touchy lately with the money issues. He feels like he is being a bad husband bc he can't provide for us etc. And I know it is hard to understand why he is so upset with them, but the things they did TO him were very personal...so he has taken it very very very hard. He has no problem with some members of my family. Friends....I had three close girl friends...I have always been kinda a private person. Well two of the friends kept promising to be there for things like my bridal shower, bachalorette party, reception etc. and never showed. I still talk to the one, who lives a couple states away but she has a lot going on right now, so I don't want to burden her with my issues. And my other friend, who was my closest friend, got married soon before I did, and for the months leading up to her wedding, didnt really talk to me much....busy with wedding stuff I guess, then she got pregnant right away, and is now busy with her family so I don't see her very much, and again, I don't like to talk about myself really.
Thanks for looking out though...if I thought he was trying to control me, and such , I would be gone. I have dealt with a controlling boyfriend, I wouldn't have it again.
I asked my parents why they investigated him (i mean it was like full on, got a private investigator or something, the day they came over and tried to pull all the crap, they had old pictures of him, just random crazy stuff!) and the reasons they gave me as to why they investigated him was because they thought he was controlling, and worried since we had not known each other long. When I asked why they thought he was controlling the reasons were
*he stands behind me when we were at their house
*i talk for us often instead of him...he only talked when they directly asked him things
*i wasn't seeing my best friend as much (she was planning a wedding & worked 2nd shift, I was planning a wedding and worked 1st shift...I was in bed before she even got off work....not too much time to just hang out like we had before)
*he isn't close with his family(he is the youngest of like 8 siblings....the next youngest, is 10 yrs older then him. Only one of them live near us. He was thew product of his dads second marriage, and all his siblings are from his first marriage...when his mom died when he was 12, his dad got real sick. none of his siblings took him in and he went to foster car for awhile...they just aren't a super close family...)
Apparently those reasons all meant he was not the right person for me. They also didn't like that he had tattoos (as my mother commented before that he wasn't the type of guy she pictured me marrying)....I didn't see those as reasons to investigate someone...but IDK

Your parents were way out of line.

I'm so sorry you're going thru this. I know it's really hard on you.

well here your story sounds familiar

im the oldest out of me and my sister.

my parents just spent over 3,000 on my sisters wedding b/c they like her husband.
my wedding is next july. they are not spending anything on it b/c they dont like my fiance(we have been together almost 3 yrs now).

my parents do not approve of anything i do. they try(try is all the can do) to tell me what to do and how to raise my children, how to keep my house, what animals i can have, what i spend our money on.

my sisters wedding was in june i was invited but my fiance wasnt. i still went though i got turned into a maid and had to do stupid little errands.

most of my so called friends no longer talk to me b/c they hate my fiance. but Ive made better friends.

dont let what other people think or do stress you out. its not worth it. tell your husband you want to go. give your reasons.. dont bow under pressure from your parents stand up to them and tell them what they did was wrong and you cannot forgive them.

as for your friends. you will make new ones. life goes on and it does get better.

I did read your whole thread and I feel for you, your family seems to like to punish you for every little thing tho you don't deserve it.

My opinion is go to the wedding if you want but I don't feel it's necessary. Where was your brother when your parents were coming down on you, did he stand up for you in any way? I don't think your husband should be pushed to go either.

If I were you, I would stay far away from the family. They don't seem to show any love or affection for you...stay away from them for the sake of your marriage, only what I would do.

Thank you everyone for your responses. It actually felt good a little to type it out and get some of it off my chest.
As for where my brothers were during this whole ordeal...when I discussed it with them after it happened, they both told me they felt for my husband and what we were going through but at the same time, if this had happened to them/their fiances, they would be upset, but would not accept their fiancee not forgiving my parents...So basically, had this happened to them, and their fiancees had said they would never forgive my parents, they would no longer be with them. For me, it was not an option to lose my husband because of what they did. I plan on forever with him. Children grow up and make their own lives and families, and all I was trying to do was make my own path in life, doing what made me happy.

I'm so sorry to hear how your wedding went, how your parents treated you, and the tough time you're having wanting to see your brother at his wedding but having financial issues to make it there.

My mom didn't give me an iota of assistance planning my wedding. She made up stories about my husband while we were dating, calling him controlling and abusive. There was a time where the two of them didn't speak for months, because my mom is Italian and tried to kiss him and he wasn't used to that in his family (his family is a family of huggers). He turned so she could kiss his cheek and she got offended - yet didn't say anything to me about it for over a month on why she was being rude to him, causing him to not want to be around her. She also rarely ever visits us, its a 3 hour drive, but she complains she cant afford it - even though we pay for the hotel room. Last time, she refused my MIL's offer to pay and paid herself, and is now saying it was all a lie and we never offered - hubby has told me it'll be quite sometime before we go visit them again because he's had enough of her. So I can feel you on husband-mom stress.

Hope everything works out and you're able to attend your brother's ceremony. He should understand you can't stay for the reception, and it's wonderful of you to go through what you're going through to attend his reception and be there for him on his special day.

Originally Posted by frankthetank

feel like I am living in a tiny little dark closet all by myself and I have no one to ever turn to.

Click to expand...

This is definitely a concern. What if someone you loved that you felt close to said this to you? Please try one and go. I think it will be so very important to helping you have someone to talk to at least and to help develop solid boundaries and coping solutions for the people you have to deal with in life.

Originally Posted by cococat

This is definitely a concern. What if someone you loved that you felt close to said this to you? Please try one and go. I think it will be so very important to helping you have someone to talk to at least and to help develop solid boundaries and coping solutions for the people you have to deal with in life.

Click to expand...

Please PM any one of us at any time! I believe that my DH has narcissistic personality disorder, but I come from a position in my family that groomed me to tolerate a lot of the abuse. What you are putting up with shows alot of strength and character; not everyone will understand what and why you put up with, hence the saying "Lonely Are The Brave" - your cats will, though
I vote for explaining to your brother about the reception; if he's intuitive, he will try to send you a couple of $$ and maybe you can stay longer. After all, if he ever has kids, you'll be the wonderful auntie
In your shoes, I would give my DH the right to stay angry (his conscience, after all - between him & God) and tell him that as his friend, I understand and accept his position although as his wife, it's rough on my heart. As for the rest of the family, I would tell them that they raised you right and that you honor the marriage convenant that you vowed to, so, no, family politics will NOT be allowed to hurt your marriage.
And please keep us posted! Reading your post actually made me forget some of my own sorrows of the day Take Care, Susan