Starting to get to me. *long*

Growing up, my mom and I were never close. Even now we aren't close, but ever since I moved out, we've been better at getting along. The most we really did together when I was a teen was go to amusement parks like Six Flags. My grandma told me a few years ago my mom admitted to her that she resented me growing up, because I replaced her in my grandmother's heart. Since I've been born, I've been the apple of my grandma's eye. She raised me for a few years, taught me and got me doing 7th grade level work while in 3rd grade.

My mom always finds fault in what I do, or always has to dislike it. I went with hubby and we got tattoos - she told me mine could have looked better, but praised his. She has 11 tattoos herself so she has no room to be against them entirely. If I get a piercing she avoids that part of me and gives it disgusted looks when she sees me, and points it out that she doesn't like it - even though I'm 23 and haven't lived at home for 5+ years. My brother is attached to her hip at nearly 21, and has always been her baby, I dont compare.

I know my grandma is correct when she says my mom has been jealous of me for years. I was 5'3", 100lbs for the longest time (now I'm around 115). When my mom was my age, she was as well. She's got a thyroid problem and has gained weight. She is jealous that I have someone I love and am still cuddly happy with after ~6 years. She cant stand my dad - they basically just reside together in the same home and don't know how to speak, just yell, when talking. She is jealous I make as much as she does, but she's 51 and been in her field for 32 years, whereas I'm 23 and been in my field for 4 years (though the cost of living in NC is less than SC, and salaries reflect that). She's jealous I have a new car, a new house, and no financial worries, but she's brought her problems upon herself and because of her spending habits. When my parents moved, she had $30,000 in credit card debt that my dad didn't even know about until signing the deed came around.

Well hubby and I are having a Labor Day cookout. I invited my parents and brother. It's a 3 hour drive, so not even a day-long drive or anything to get here. My mom kept changing the subject when I mentioned it, so I asked my brother if they were coming. He said he thought they were. My dad wants to come because he wants to get away from both of them, but he doesn't have much money as he's retired and spends all his social security money on cigarettes and beer. I emailed my mom yesterday and she responded saying "I'm not coming. Your brother may if he doesnt have to work and your father wants to." Well my brother isn't going to spend 3 hours in a vehicle with my dad, because they cant stand to be in the same house most of the time. And he doesn't go anywhere without my mom. I told him today "you guys don't like me, you never come to visit me." They've been here 3 times since I moved 5 years ago. I've been there countless times, it used to be multiple times per month we'd go up there. When they come, I or my MIL pay for their hotel since they are tight on money.

Last time they came was Christmas, since it was the first Xmas in our house. My MIL had her credit card on file to pay the $78 for the hotel room, and my mom refused to let her pay and took out her card instead and paid. Now my brother is having a fit saying we never paid for the room and they can't afford gas and hotel rooms to come see me. My mom's priorities are obviously in order (sarcasm). She cant come see her only daughter, but she can spend money weekly on acrylic nails, pedicures, hair styling, clothes, jewelry. Then complain she has no money in the bank.

Rob is at the point where he doesn't want to visit them in NC anymore if they cant put forth effort to see their family here, when we are offering to pay for them to stay in hotels. We dont ask them to come often. My in-laws cant understand why they are so adverse to coming here once in awhile. Yeah money is tight, because they MAKE it that way, and we offer to help make the trip affordable and they still wont come.

I know we are still going to have an awesome time at the party, but it sucks when everyone wonders why my family is always MIA. They begin to think they live in Jersey still instead of NC, and when they find out they're so close they cant understand why they dont make a trip 1-2x a year. My dad does want to come, hasnt told me if he is or not yet. The only downside is that he's already told me he's going to sleep on our couch, even though there's a reason we don't have guest rooms - ever since living with Rob's parents we didn't want anyone staying in our house. That and we'll be sleeping in (he'll probably be sleeping by 9pm and up by 5am!) and have a lot of cleaning up to do and he will stay as long as possible to not have to go back to his house in NC. I've always been daddy's girl and feel bad saying that but I'm probably 99% accurate on it - and he wont stay at a hotel or in my in-laws guest room. They live right behind us, as our land was given to us by them, and they would love for him to stay there and actually sleep on a BED instead of a beat couch.

Buncha drama, such is my life, should have taken notice that half my family doesn't speak to each other or like each other, and now I see how it all comes about.

I have no advice or anything just good luck and some vibes maybe your mom will understand eventually! Enjoy your party!

I am not sure what to say as I have never had much of a relationship with my mother. She bailed when I was two and my sister was 5 months old and actually did this while my dad was at work and left us here alone. And she used to drop in from time to time but she mostly wanted us when it benefitted her. But her family they have always taken care of me it was like they maybe felt bad because their sister bailed and kind of stepped up to take their place. And so I am a bit bitter about it I don't even celebrate mother's day. And after my miscarriage it was worse, but I was renting a room from my mother at the time and she was charging me about $600 a month plus I paid for my own food, and when I began to notice something was wrong I begged her to take me to the hospital and she said she didn't have the money and at the time I didn't drive and I lost my baby and I blame her for it. So not sure that I can give clear advice on mothers. I love my mother but I was raised to love my mother because if I don't then I am as bad as her. But I know it hurts when your mother doesn't do you the way she should it feels like a knife inside your heart and the only thing I can offer is an ear if you need to talk.

Its like readin my family story hun, my mother is exactly the same, when I lived with blaine she visited us twice in two and a half years - bearing in mind it wasnt even a 5 minute drive go figure, now that i live back in her house im not worthy enough to be spoken to, she refuses to speak to blaine she blames him for me having to live here, she loves my two younger brothers and my youngest brothers girlfriend, she compares me to her all the time which in our latest arument i threw in her face that i was sorry i wasnt slim, blonde and a pain in the ass like her......but it all boild down to jealosy my mam hates that me and blaine are still so solid and love each other no matter how many spanners she throws in the works

So when i move back out of here it will more than likely be the last time i step foot in this house because she cant make the effort to see me in my place so why should i, but i can gaurentee myself one thingand that will be her turning into my best friend when i move out

Ive learnt just to deal with it as harsh as that sounds

that you can resovle it and that you have a great party

I was overjoyed when I was old enough to get out of the house. I am relieved to see that I am not the only one with a "difficult" mother. I say, don't let the sense of duty to be a good daughter spoil the wonderful life you have now. I've learned to avoid things that cause unhappiness and my mom is one of them. Have a great party.

Can we please start an "I cant stand my family" support group.

My mom lives about 10 minute from me and only calls me when its convenient for her...AKA she needs a vehicle fixed or my sister needs something. Basically this may make me sound mean and horrible but I say F it. Sorry but I have no regrets by basically cutting ties with my mom, I havent lost any sleep over it I just dont feel any compassion any more. when I was having troubles my mom talked crap about my to BF..yet when my sister gets a speeding ticket my mom will drive all the way to Bloom to pay it for her. Hello the girl gets everything handed to her on a silver plate and she cant pay her own speeding ticket. Who was the one that took in her golden retriever because she couldnt take care of him anymore...ME (not that I mind I wanted a big dog and I love my Maxie baby more than anything) but still. Who is the one she calls for everything ME, yet I cant count on her for anything. So I give up. I dont bother, I MIGHT go see her for holidays this Im not all that sure about it. I plan on doing my own thing because Ive got issues with BFs family.

BFs step mother treats him his brother and the girlfriends like we are ants that need to be squashed yet her children can do no wrong. So when holidays were being discussed it was decided that her kids would do the holidays. Hello the guys wives cant even cook. Im not even mad that they want to do it Im freakin LIVID that it was even a consideration to ask myself or the other gf if we wanted to be involved. Its not as if they arent sure we are going to be with the guys for the holidays. Ive been with my bf for almost 3 yrs and the brother and his gf for almost 6 so its not as if we are going anywhere just because we arent married doesnt make us less of a couple. So I have officially vetoed ALL holidays involving families. Im going to do my own thing at home with my family, Me, Bf, Max, Franklin, Fatman, Hercules and GiGi. So frick all of them.





Anyways off my rant....Tara Im sorry your family is acting like buttheads but honestly there is no reason you cant have a relationship with your dad and avoid your mom and brother. Sometimes family sucks, thats why we are stuck with them but the bonus is your friends you can pick and they can also be a family to you. Here have a hug Heres a group hug for everyone else who has a crappy family!!!!

I was definitely overjoyed when I could move out as well. My mom had been telling me to leave since I was 14, but if I did, to not come back. When I DID leave at 18, she told me "dont forget you can always come back here!" She told my family in New Jersey that Rob abused me and I was too afraid to say anything ... which was a complete lie because I wouldn't have stayed with him if he ever did that. We were play wrestling once and I banged my foot on the computer chair and my brother told my mom he did it on purpose and she built from there. My family in NJ hadn't met him yet, so that was their first impression. When they DID meet him though they realized he is wonderful and she was full of it.

I haven't lost any sleep over it, and I've been pretty used to not getting along with her. But last night when Rob pointed out how her priorities seem to be, nails, tanning, pedicures, hair, jewelry, etc come before taking a day or two a year to visit her daughter, I was like wow never stopped to think about it that much. Sometimes I'm jealous of my friends who have wonderful mother-daughter relationships. My grandma used to be more of a mom to me, but she lives in NJ and I only get to see her for a week every 2 years or so when we go on vacation there. If we have any reason to go north we'll visit her then as well. She's usually complaining about my mom's actions as well, and that's HER daughter. We call each other and rant to each other about the ridiculousness.

Rob is ready to cut them off and no longer visit until they make an effort to come see me once in awhile. Yeah we do travel a lot, and try to visit them as much as possible, but it's tapered off over the years as we've seen its never reciprocated. We gave my brother a car to drive in order to save gas, my mom doesn't even seem appreciative of that, which she should - SHE pays for his gas even though he has a job! He spends all of his money on Burger King and Cookout fast food, or buying $200 sunglasses, $400 shoes, when he works part time at a grocery store making $7.50/hr. She buys him whatever he wants if they're out together and has always had things handed to him. I had to pay for my car, my own gas (and I DIDNT have a job for the year I lived in NC), clothes, etc. My brother owes her over $2000 and she continues to pay for stuff, he'll never be responsible as long as he has her around. She puts herself further into debt paying for his crap. When I bought my Mustang, the first thing she said "I thought you hated Mustangs. Your brother will be upset, that's been his dream car." No, I never hated Mustangs, I just had a Camaro (and still do). So sorry it's my brother's dream car, he'll never own if he doesn't learn to be responsible.

I feel bad that my dad always wants us to visit, and wants to visit us, but we won't be going up there as often again. If he comes to visit us, my mom has a fit that they don't have enough money to spend on gas, especially when he spends over $400/month on Coors and cigarettes. He's been here a few more times than my mom has, but that was a few years ago. He says he needs to get out and spend time with people and be able to have fun without her dampening it and complaining. My cousin is up their butt now about going to her son's birthday party, and she only lives 30 minutes away from them. She hasn't seen them in a year. Now that she knows they aren't coming to my place, she's really on them about making the trip, and I know my mom wants to go there even less than come here! I thought of it as sort of a revenge now LOL that's horrible.

This is a sad thread. If it were me, I would quit begging them. When I wanted to see them, I would go where they are, rent a room in a motel and leave when I had enough. Sometimes we just have to build our lives with friends and the one we love. I know I have close friends that I would call before I ever called my sister for anything. But I don't fret about it. Just accept how things are and make a life elsewhere. Sometimes ignoring people brings them around.

Oh hun, do I EVER know how you feel.

My Mom and I never got along growing up either, and like you, my grandmother and I are VERY close. It is well known that my 2 brothers can do no wrong (the youngest I can understand, he has Down Syndrome) even though I am the one who has always been there for her, and helped her out when she needed me. I babysit my youngest brother for free, as she is a single Mom who works nights, and it is literally EXPECTED of me to do this, and if I have plans or make a fuss about it, I get the biggest guilt trip imaginable. I would do anything for her, but have always been treated like a failure.
I am 29 and I too have tattoos and piercings. (9 piercings, 6 tattoos) and yes, she always has something to say. "Don't you think you have enough?" etc. She is a very negative person, and ALWAYS has something to say about how I live my life.

I am not sure what is worse a mom who is there and treats you badly or a mom who bails and seems indifferent to you well unless she wants a pitty party about how bad we treat her even though she bailed on us. She goes on abou how I am closer to her but if my sister is around she falls all over herself kissing up to her. And she acts like there is something wrong with my head but then again my dad does that too so I guessI should be used to it. The only thing I know to do is to keep moving forward.

I haven't fretted much until now. I guess it's after seeing Rob's cousins get along so well with their mom, and some of my friends get along so well with theirs that I feel like I almost have missed out. I'm sure one day my mom will regret not spending more time with me and all that. My in-laws cant understand what her deal is. I've gone this long without a good relationship though and I'll survive. She's said some nasty things to me over the years, mostly as a teenager, and done unfair things as punishment over the most ridiculous stuff back then too. Even now nothing I do is good enough or right. I'll have a great time at the party, because Rob is all I really need - he took me away from the cruddy times I had living at home and we have a great life now. I've got a bunch of friends coming as well, and they won't complain like my mom does. She actually left my wedding reception early because she was angry I wouldn't take her somewhere ... she wanted to go on a ghost tour downtown the night of the bonfire reception we had, but 1. I was the hostess and it was for MY wedding, and 2. we'd all been drinking for a bit by then. She stormed off to the hotel room and they left the next morning. She came down for a housewarming/50th bday party (MIL and my mom are 3 weeks apart in age so we had a joint party for them), and I took her on the tour and to the outlets then, she had a decent time, but then left the next morning without telling me (I called them as they were pulling into THEIR driveway, 3 hours away!) and I had bought an Easter ham to cook! So instead of both our families being here, just Rob's was for Easter.

I didn't realize how many others had similar problems with their moms! I just dont understand mine most of the time, and probably never will. But I will be alright. It's already gotten back to irking me rather than saddening me.

I hear ya there i dont understand my mam neither!

She has perfected one thing mind and thats the art of being able to look straight threw me and act like im not there